This chapter is literally not what I was going for when I started it. I almost uploaded it completely different, then I thought about it, and edited half the chapter. It went in a direction that I wasn't planning on going in, but I think it's still pretty okay. Thanks for following this story and reviewing! You're all lovely.
Warning: Talk of self-harm (I didn't go too much into it for now).
Chapter Five
Kurt made himself dinner and finished his homework. He patiently waited for five o'clock to come along so he could text Blaine. He changed into his pajamas at four, since he wasn't going anywhere anyway. He wore blue flannel pants with a plain white tee-shirt. He only wore tees when he knew his dad would be working so late that when he walked into the house, Kurt would be asleep already. He couldn't risk Burt seeing the marks on his wrists. He didn't want his dad to know about the way he was hurting inside because he didn't want Burt to think that he was being a bad father by letting those things happen. It was most definitely not Burt's fault.
Even after having possibly the best day of his high school career, Kurt could not help but feeling sad still, especially when his eyes glanced at the scars. He hated them. He thought that his scars showed weakness, even when he was trying his hardest to be strong. He thought that maybe it would help him to have a new friend so he won't feel so alone anymore. He wasn't going to reveal his self-harm habits to Blaine, though. He didn't want to scare him away.
The reason Kurt did it was because of depression and anxiety that he couldn't control. He would get really angry sometimes, too, for stupid reasons. Sometimes he did it because he felt like he deserved it because he didn't feel like he was good enough.
Kurt took out his phone and tapped the lock key. The time illuminated on the screen. 5:06. Practice got out at five, but he figured Blaine needed time to shower and change. Kurt was impatient, though, and felt that he waited long enough. He unzipped his backpack and retrieved the note with Blaine's number scribbled onto it.
"Hey, it's Kurt. I have two exciting things to tell you," he texted. He walked to the kitchen to get a snack while he waited for a reply. He sat at the table with cheese doodles that he was eating right out of the bag. Blaine texted back about ten minutes later.
"Hey! Okay, lay it on me! What's the good news?"
"Okay, the first thing is that you're allowed to come over tomorrow, and my dad's getting pizza for us. And the second thing is that I already have two girls interested in joining a glee club, if you were serious about starting one." He had to wait another five minutes for an answer.
"Yummy, pizza. And, yeah, I was totally serious about the glee club thing. That's awesome, Kurt," Blaine replied with. Kurt didn't know how to carry a texting conversation. He barely knew how to carry a real conversation. They were only four texts in, and he already had no idea how to respond. Should he change the subject, or tell Blaine about the girls? Blaine wouldn't know who they were, anyway. He didn't know anyone yet except the football team and Kurt.
Blaine texted again, after about eight minutes of Kurt not responding. "I know I told you to text me, but I have to do some homework right now. I just got home from practice. So can I text you when I'm done with my homework, if it's not too late," This made Kurt a little upset, but he knew it wasn't Blaine's fault.
"Yeah, that's fine. Talk to you later." Kurt thought that that was a perfect thing to say. It indicated that he wanted to continue talking to Blaine later on. It was like saying, it doesn't matter how late it is once you finish your homework. I'll be waiting for you to talk to me again, without sounding desperate or needy. It was simple.
Kurt waited for a response after that. Maybe a "yeah, talk to you soon," or even just a smiley face. But nothing came. And Kurt realized that his hopes were up too high, as usual. He was imagining Blaine as his boyfriend, sending him cute texts, telling him that he could not wait to see him the next day. Kurt had already developed some sort of fake relationship with Blaine in his head.
Why do I do that? Why do I create a fake life in my head, and why is that fake life always better than my real one. Everything is better than my real life. These thoughts flooded his head as he walked upstairs to his room. He was so angry with himself for a while. He lied down on his bed for about ten minutes, trying to clear his head. He calmed himself down by telling himself that it was normal to have high hopes and expectations within a friendship. In fact, it was probably healthy.
Since Kurt basically had nothing to do now, since he had waited all afternoon for a conversation that barely lasted, he decided to check out his Facebook. He had made a Facebook in ninth grade, hoping he would gain friends over the internet. But, only his family spoke with him on Facebook. He checked it frequently because he had an on-going conversation with his grandma through chat. He logged on and immediately noticed he had a message waiting, but when he clicked on it, he found that it wasn't his grandmother.
Message from: David Karofsky.
Kurt's heart dropped into his stomach. He wasn't even friends with David on Facebook. How could he have found him? Why would he be messaging him?
Kurt was too scared to read the message, but he was too curious to not read it.
David: Hummel. I know what you're trying to do. You have a gay little crush on Blaine, and it's gross. I heard Blaine talking about starting a glee club at practice today. You're turning him gay, too. And none of us want that to happen except you. So stop. Stop talking to him because he doesn't want to talk back. You make him and everyone around you uncomfortable. If you don't stop trying to take Blaine from us, I will end you.
Kurt just stared at the screen. He reread the message over and over, but it was hard to see through his tears. He grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. He cried even harder and he couldn't control whatever thoughts were running through his head. Those thoughts turned into screams. He leaned over and grabbed a box from under his bed. There were old birthday cards inside, but underneath those cards were Kurt's favorite pain-relievers. His razors. A tear fell into the box and onto one of the razors. He picked that one up, wiped the wet tear from it with his shirt, and stared at it. Soon enough, his soft, pale skin was burning against the razor. He only slit himself four times, toward the top of his wrist before he dropped the razor into the box. He screamed again, but not into his pillow. He let himself cry for a long time, until he felt like he might be sick. He watched the red blood fall from his arm after he forced himself to stop crying. Once the bleeding stopped, he took a single Aspirin to cease his head ache.
He needed to get out of the house, so he decided to go for a nice walk around the neighborhood. He put a band aid over the cuts, although they stopped bleeding, because he wanted to pretend they never happened. Then, he put one of his father's sweatshirts over his own pajama shirt. He didn't find it necessary to change out of pajamas because no one was going to see him. Kurt had a special place he liked to walk to when things got bad.
Behind Kurt's house there were woods. One day, when Kurt was about 13, he was wondering through them. He went way further into the woods than he was allowed to, and discovered a nice little lake on the other side of the woods. It was so far into the woods that it was invisible from Kurt's backyard. The ground was just dirt, no leaves or sticks, and there were large rocks to climb on. One rock was so big, it looked like a small mountain. Kurt liked to climb on top of it and look at the fish swim in the lake. It was a nice getaway spot, and Kurt was the only one that knew about it. He never even told his dad.
Kurt treaded through the woods to get to his secret lake. He climbed to the top of his favorite rock and sat in silence. Going there had always helped him think his thoughts all the way through. He thought about the message, and what he should do about it. He wasn't going to stop talking to Blaine, like David had asked him to. He decided to tell Blaine about the message at school, but leave out the part where David said Kurt had a crush on Blaine. Blaine said so himself that he did not care about the football players, and they weren't his real friends. So, maybe Blaine would tell David to back off of Kurt.
Thinking about this so much made Kurt's head hurt. So, instead, Kurt sat on the rock and forced every thought out of his brain. He pictured Blaine's golden-brown eyes and kept his mind set on that picture. Blaine's eyes seemed so loving and caring. The top of the rock was flat and long enough for Kurt to lay down, but he had never tried to because he was scared of falling off. He considered lying down now, but he instead got down from the rock. He didn't want to be out in the woods while it was getting dark.
He quickly walked back through the woods to his house. He checked the clock once he was inside, and it read 6:53. Time passed so fast when he was at his secret lake. He could have sworn he only thought about Blaine's features for five minutes while at the lake, but he had been there for nearly an hour. He checked his phone and saw that he had a text message waiting for him.
"I was talking to my dad in between homework assignments, and he said I can go straight to your house from school and stay as long as I want, if that's okay with you and your dad. Can't wait 'til then!" read a text message from Blaine, with a smiley face at the end. This helped Kurt feel less miserable, knowing that Blaine was looking forward to seeing him. He remembered Blaine saying he never really had friends, so he was probably just as excited as Kurt was.
"That's perfectly fine Blaine. You can stay as long as you'd like," he replied. He waited another minute for Blaine's response.
"Awesome. See you at school tomorrow. I'll meet you at your locker before English," he said.
Kurt thought about the cliques at school. How the cheerleaders hung out around the head cheerleader's locker, and how the girl across the hallway from his locker would wait at her locker for her boyfriend to show up, and how the band kids would all meet up in one spot and walk to the band room together. Kurt could finally have that. He could wait at this own locker for his best friend, instead of going to first period ten minutes early. He didn't have the huge groups like everyone else, or a boyfriend to hold hands and talk with in the halls. But, he had Blaine. And, for Kurt, that was definitely enough.