Even after such Earth shattering revelations and the death of yet another man who had guided them in their musical career they were not talking. The silence going through Mordhaus turned from one of hate filled tension to something heavy and depressing Skwisgaar could practically feel the fear in the air, he could see it in his friends eyes the few times he came into contact with them. They didn't want to speak, they didn't want to be near one another. That had not changed despite developments; despite the fact that there was to be a funeral very soon. Skwisgaar wasn't looking forward to it, he wasn't looking forward to his future. He had stubbornly hoped time and time again that something would change. He had came close to breaking nihilist beliefs and praying that something would keep his band from ending. He couldn't lose this, this was security; this make shift home and family made up for the love and comfort that had been taken from him as a child. Anymore this place felt as cold and self loathing as his mother's home in Sweden. He felt isolated; alcohol helped to ease the pain of that. Being alone brought a chill with it that filled you up on the inside. The burn of vodka filled him with a false sense of warmth, of feeling something besides an overwhelming sadness.

He quickly took notice that ever since what happened Toki had became somehow even closer with Magnus. He didn't even know that were humanly possible, but apparently it was. Most of his time was spent out, away from the others. They refused to let the ex-guitarist onto the property, Skwisgaar always felt uneasy and worried each time Toki went out with the older man. He still didn't trust him, but he knew better than to voice that feeling. Even though he had known Magnus longer, knew what he had been like and most probably still was like he knew better than to say a damned thing. If he hadn't said anything in the first place then him and Toki would be at least on speaking terms. Skwisgaar thought back to being in that cave, the younger man's fingers brushing against his hand and the fearful look in his eyes. That had been the most contact they'd had ever since their fight and literally nothing after that brief moment of vulnerability.

Skwisgaar didn't want to spend his time this way. He wanted everybody to be together, but that wouldn't happen. He had hoped he would at least have Toki by his side, but he had fucked that up for himself. He didn't know how to fix it, fix anything even if it was just a temporary fix he wasn't sure what to do. Skwisgaar didn't know how to admit how much he hated being this alone, how much he constantly needed to be around people or at least have one person by his side. Somebody who actually knew him, who knew how awkward and fragile and completely immature he was more times than not. Toki was his closest friend, that was something rare for him, losing close friends wasn't so rare on the other hand. Back when he was a kid he lost them for completely different reasons, as an adult he lost his friends, because he pushed them away. He hurt them, betrayed them, and apparently abused them. He couldn't work it out in his brain why he did these things, why it made sense to him that these were the ways to keep those he loved by his side, but it felt like it worked. His mother had always used guilt and demeaning remarks to keep Skwisgaar loyally by her side, but he had eventually run far away from her. He shouldn't be surprised people he loved left him after some time.

His phone went off pulling him from dark vodka induced thoughts. He picked it up from the edge of the bed surprised to see that it was Toki calling him.

"Hello"

There was mostly silence on the other end of the line, he could hear rustling and uneven breathing.

"Hey Skwisgaar" The younger man finally responded.

From the tone of his voice and the way that it trembled he wondered if he was crying.

"Why are you calling me?"

"I'm not really sure...Nobody else will talk to me and Magnus is busy..."

Skwisgaar kept himself from making a remark on the mention of the older musician's name. He hadn't heard Toki talk for awhile now, he wasn't going to get into a second fight and chance never hearing from him again. Bad enough they couldn't be in the same room to have this discussion.

"Why didn't you just come to my room?"

"I sort of just want to be by myself, but I need somebody to talk to."

Silence fell between them. He remembered days when they would either talk for hours or they wouldn't talk at all and it would be just fine. He missed playing guitar while his friend listened, he missed that adoration.

"Toki I think we should talk about what happened."

"Don't"

"We need to talk about this, I was only trying to help you."

"I don't want to talk about this, I'll hang up on you." Toki warned.

Skwisgaar kept quiet.

He took another drink from the bottle. He wanted to tell him something, anything, or a lot of things. Admit he was a selfish asshole, confess he was in love with him and that scared the Hell out of him. Tell him that he didn't want to lose the band, because his only use in life was guitar and he was scared of what would happen if he lost this one thing. Tell him his fear of being alone, admit he screwed up by pushing everybody away by treating them like crap.

"Do you know how much you mean to me?" Skwisgaar asked, his voice came out small like it was a question he didn't want to voice.

"No" Was the simple response

It was such a flat, one dimensional and hopeless response for somebody who used to look at him with hope filled eyes.

The alcohol managed to push down the lump in his throat and burn away the aching in his chest. He told himself the tears pricking at his eyes were just from the awful burn the drink left in him.

"I think we need to talk, not right now...After the funeral maybe, we don't have to talk about Magnus. There's just other things we really need to talk about."

Skwisgaar didn't want to be alone, he didn't want to permanently lose this one person. He could work on himself, he could work on being less selfish; there was always tomorrow, always time and learning from a lifetime of mistakes. He was willing to work on it.

"I don't know"

"Please, I'll take you somewhere nice, anywhere. I just...I really need to tell you some things and there's just a lot we need to discuss. Please Toki"

Each second without a response made him more and more nervous.

"Aren't you afraid people might get the wrong idea if they see us somewhere together?"

"I don't care about that."

He just needed to see him, needed to work on making something new.

"Alright, we can talk after the funeral. Besides that might be the last time we get to see each other anyway."

More vodka washed away the urge to cry.

"Right...I'll see you later I guess."

"Yeah, later Skwisgaar."

The line went dead, Skwisgaar tossed his phone down onto the bed. He wasn't sure if he felt hopeful or like he was just going to end another chapter in his life that he was far from ready to end. These were people he had known for years, this was the person he loved; he wasn't ready to cut all ties with them.