Characters are not mine
I know, I know. I let you wait again.
A lot has been happening during the past few weeks, but here you go: another rather long chapter that hopefully pleases you :)
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Self harm, sexual situations (with consent)
Maura woke up at some point, startled by a series of sounds she couldn't quite place. Feeling the weight of Jane completely on top of her, she figured it had just been the brunette moving, and went back to sleep.
She was pulled back into consciousness a few hours later, her bladder protesting against the hipbone that pushed into her stomach.
She turned her head towards the night stand on her side – the night stand where both their phones were laying. Trying to reach her phone she had to realize her arm was only long enough to reach Jane's. Moving around and possibly waking the brunette was not an option. She needed her rest.
The display lit up with the push of one button and revealed the time: 11:48.
Maura didn't even look at the digits though. Her attention was pulled towards the face that was staring back at her – her own face.
She didn't recognize the picture, it seemed to have been taken without her knowledge. The Maura in the picture was sleeping or at least having her eyes closed. Her face was free from make up, freckles showing everywhere. Her mouth was opened ever so slightly. When did Jane take this?
"What?" Jane asked, her voice raspier than usual, before turning her head to take a look at whatever Maura was talking about. The blonde hadn't realized she had spoken out loud.
Seeing the picture of Maura on her phone, Jane quickly hid her face in the crook of Maura's neck. "Are you mad?" she asked in embarrassment.
"I'll decide on that once you tell me when you took it." Of course she wouldn't be mad. She was just curious.
"Do you remember our first sleepover?"
Maura nodded. "Yes, but you didn't take it there. I fell asleep next to you on accident. I had my make up still on."
Jane giggled slightly. "First of all, we both know you didn't fall asleep by accident. And I didn't mean the night we hid from Hoyt. I meant our first real sleepover. Make up off, Pyjamas on and stuff."
Maura smiled at the memory. "Of course."
The Italian grew more serious again. "I had a nightmare that night. I...I knew I could have woken you up, but you looked so peaceful. Peaceful enough to make me calm down." Maura tangled her finger in Jane's hair before softly pulling her head up, wanting to see her face. "And we hadn't been friends for too long back then, so I didn't want to ask you to sleep next to me whenever I had a bad phase. I took that photo so I didn't have to call you every time I had a nightmare."
"Did it help?" Maura whispered. "Why do you think I still keep it as my background?"
After some more minutes of cuddling and silent thinking about the previous night, they both got up to use the bathroom.
Meeting on their way to the kitchen, Jane looked nervous, massaging her scarred hands. Maura quickly interfered, pulling the taller woman's hands apart and massaging them herself. "Are you thinking about last night?"
Jane looked away. "How are we going to deal with it?"
Maura thought for a second. "It was a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings happen. I'd suggest we treat it as such and move on."
Jane nodded, but the tension in her whole body told Maura that the actual problem hadn't been solved. "Jane" she pleaded, "what is going on?"
"I...you...could you look at the cuts after breakfast?"
The blonde quickly leaned up and placed a soft kiss on Jane's lips. "Of course."
Their late breakfast was pushed further away when they discovered 3 pieces of paper on the counter. Two were folded in half, one reading "Jane" and one reading "Maura". The third laid in between, opened up and ready to be read. Maura picked it up. "I came here this morning to make sure you two are okay. The way you were sleeping makes me hope you are. I left pancakes and am going to bring you lunch during my break. Love, Angela" So Angela was the one who woke me up earlier.
Jane had walked up to the blonde, wrapping her arms around her waist and looking at her mom's letter as Maura read it out loud.
"Do you know how good this feels?" she whispered, "Being able to hug you like this. We are okay, aren't we?"
Maura placed her hands on Jane's. "I don't, but I know that being hugged by you like this, especially after yesterday, feels so very good and special. Yes we are okay. We are okay" she answered.
Jane pressed a light kiss behind the smaller woman's ear. She then reached for the letter obviously addressed at her. She stepped back from the doctor as she unfolded the paper.
Hey sis, I hope you and Maura are okay. I drove Maura this morning, but left because I didn't want to disturb you. If you don't mind I'll come over this afternoon, there is some stuff I want to talk about. Don't freak out, nothing too bad. Love you, Frankie.
She dropped the letter just to get a glimpse of Maura smiling at hers. "It's nice to see that he's there for you."
Maura turned to face the brunette fully, her smile lasting for a few moments before she turned serious. "It would be nice if you could let him be there for you, too." Jane looked away quickly. "Can we talk about that later? I'm starving." Maura decided to let the subject drop, they had one whole months to talk in front of them.
They ate in silence before retreating to the bathroom.
"I suggest I look at the cuts first" Maura spoke calmly. Jane just nodded in response, pulling down her pyjama pants. She sat down on the toilet seat, while the blonde roamed through the room, picking her utensils. Finally she knelt down before Jane.
Inspecting her thighs she suddenly stopped, eyes widening in confusion.
"What's wrong?" the brunette asked, nervously and scared.
"When I..." she started, "when I gave you the scalpel after you broke down in my office two days ago..." she swallowed. "You never asked me to look at the cuts." She looked up into brown eyes. "I thought you were hiding them from me. I thought you felt guilty or didn't want me to feel guilty, but..." She looked down again to confirm her observations once more. "There are less cuts from that day than I expected. And they qualify as scratches more than anything else."
Jane carefully took the doctor's head in her hands, gently stroking her cheek. "I was so angry, I felt so lost and wounded. After you left me in there, I... I did one of these. I could already think clearer again. I felt so incredibly guilty for threatening you. I couldn't do this to any of us. I just couldn't imagine what it would have been like for you, if I asked you to stitch me up afterwards."
They just looked at each other for a few minutes. Maura didn't know how to respond. She wanted to thank Jane, but didn't know if that was appropriate.
When the silence became awkward, she resumed to check the wounds. "These all look well, I don't need to do stitches. We'll wash them with clear water and bandage them up afterwards." Jane looked relieved.
"I'll definitely pull out the stitches I first made, today. I'd leave the ones the hospital made in for two or three more days."
Carefully she began to cut through the thin threads and finished as quickly as she could. She remained on the floor a little bit longer.
"Jane" she said, unsure of how to go on. The brunette stayed silent, allowing Maura to think. "When I broke down yesterday morning...When I said I needed to let you go...I...I felt like you couldn't be harmed and harm yourself when I held you close, held you together. But I am not able to do that. I can't lock you up and protect you from everyone including yourself. I can't protect you from people like Hoyt, or Casey." Jane flinched at the name.
Maura laid her hands onto the brunette's knees to comfort her. "And I surely can't protect you from the memories." She had started crying by then. "After what happened yesterday, I... I realized I can't even protect you from me."
"Maura" Jane pleaded, both hoping to stop the tears and telling her how important she was to her.
"It's been two weeks since we first kissed. Look at what happened." Maura sounded so heartbroken, Jane didn't know what to say or do. She just watched as the smaller woman fell apart. "Two weeks, Jane."
The brunette tried her best to sound soothing when she answered, "All couples fight and have misunderstandings."
Maura sobbed louder. "How many times does it result in one person nearly dying or the other being afraid for the other one's life? Because that has happened three times already." Jane sighed. Maura was right. "Yes, but we have it harder. The circumstances aren't the best and you know that."
Maura looked up at Jane hopefully before she crashed down again. "Be honest with me!" she demanded. "How many times have you gone to a hospital to get stitches and a blood transfusion before?"
"Not once?" Jane replied, trying to figure out where this was going.
"How many times have you looked at your gun, contemplating whether to use it or not?"
"I have thought about it a lot, but I was serious about it just once except for the other day in your office."
"How many times have you broken down crying before?"
"Not often."
Maura looked away. "You have, in more than one year of struggling, not been to a hospital once, you had heavy suicidal thoughts ONCE, and you had break downs just a few times...and in two weeks of being with me, you've gone through all of that?"
They looked at each other, equally shocked. Jane hadn't even thought like that before.
As Maura spoke, new tears began to flow down her cheeks, "Do you really think this relationship is good for you right now?"
Jane reached for one hand, clutching it hard. "I've always had good and bad days. I don't think this is your making."
"Then what is it?" Maura breathed, hopelessly, as she asked herself again why she wasn't able to help.
"I don't know. But we'll figure it out. I have an appointment with Dr Breen tomorrow. If you don't mind I'll talk to her about it."
Maura nodded silently, tears still making their way down her face.
Jane got up, pulling the blonde with her. She first put off her top before undressing Maura. She hesitated at the panties, not knowing if it was okay to remove them if she kept her own on.
Finally she pulled them down, remembering that Maura had taken them off during their previous showers and suspecting she would be mad if her expensive undergarment got into contact with shampoo. The doctor didn't seem to mind – actually she let Jane control the situation on purpose, hoping that she would find a way out of it, because she herself had no idea on how to go from breaking down to their good mood of earlier that day.
The brunette turned on the water and held Maura's hand as she waited for it to warm up. I have to make her stop crying. But how? Is this how she's feeling all the time with me? She pulled the blonde with her, stepping under the spray first. Wrapping her arms around the smaller woman she pressed her close, bringing their chests into contact. Maura gasped before relaxing into the touch, resting her head against Jane. This was new.
Actually it wasn't, their chests had been touching before, but that had happened over night when they had both been asleep. This was Jane's conscious decision. And it felt so good. It felt so good to have that much skin contact, to know that Jane trusted her enough to give that much of her.
For Maura, sex had always been fun, at least once she gave in and stopped thinking too much. She had had many sexual partners, some of them one night stands, some semi-important relationships, she had even been engaged, but none of these encounters compared to what she was feeling right then, in the arms of her best friend who had become so much more than just that.
Knowing that for Jane, physical contact was equal to giving up safety, especially since Casey had ignored her rules and boundaries considering her very own body, made her body fill with warmth.
She is okay with me being this close. I am part of her rules.
Jane seemed to be lost in thoughts, too, absently combing Maura's hair with her fingers.
This feels so different. We touched like this before. What is it? What is different this time?
It hid her suddenly, this feels sexual, causing her to stop her movements. She had felt like this before with Maura, on the night they had been so close to taking that step, but they had stayed at least a little bit clothed back then.
Now she felt Maura. She felt her arms around her shoulders and neck, she felt the warm skin of her chest against her own, she felt her wet hair sticking on her body, she felt her soft thighs touching her wounded ones, she felt her lips on her clavicle, she felt her nipples pressing into the sensitive part right underneath her own breasts. She felt whole and safe.
Finally she relaxed back into the touch, sighing as she pulled the smaller woman impossibly close.
"Tell me this doesn't feel special to you" she whispered.
"It does" the blonde answered quietly, "I've never felt like this before."
Tears made their way into Jane's eyes upon hearing those words. "Me either" she admitted, mostly to herself.
"This" she went on, "this is what gives me hope. What I'm feeling right now is so strong, and it makes me so happy. To hold you like this, to feel you like this – this is what I look forward to. As long as you are there with me, I want to be able to do this, and hopefully more, and should you decide to leave me – or if something should happen to you – I want to remember moments like these. There is no going back for me anymore. I can't just go back to being colleagues, being friends. I can be your friend, but not without wanting more. Not when I know it can be like this."
She pulled back to study Maura's face. The blonde had stopped crying, but looked very moved by Jane's speech. Jane brought up one hand at first, followed quickly by the other one, to cup the face in front of her. "Tell me you don't feel like this."
Maura shook her head.
"I don't care about what happened. We'll get over it. I will recover. What I care about is this, you and me." She smiled. "I don't care because this...this is the happiest I've ever been. This is the most complete and fulfilled I've ever felt. I feel so much love for you right now. Tell me you don't feel the same. Tell me you don't feel like this and we'll step this down and focus on my recovery. But should you feel the way I do, I'd be stupid to let you go by the means of my own well being. Because I've never felt better. And if this is me struggling with all those things, imagine what I – what we – could be like once I'm okay again."
She knew how needy she sounded, she knew she was pleading, begging for Maura to hear her. She didn't care.
The smaller woman looked at her unbelievingly. She threaded her hands in Jane's hair, grabbing a fistful with each and pulled her close again. "I love you so much." And then all restriction were gone. They equally pulled at each other, forcing their lips together. There were nibbles, licks, and bites, and soon their breathing became ragged, little moans and groans escaping from time to time.
Lost in the feeling, Jane moved her mouth away from Maura's, starting to kiss and suck at her jaw and neck instead. She felt the blonde sink down a little bit when her legs went slack as she found a particularly weak spot. Holding her up she giggled into her neck, pressing her against the tiles to get her into a more stable position. "Jane-" the blonde tried to interfere, but ended up moaning when Jane sucked on her neck again. When she had recovered from the intense feeling, she tried again, "Jane, stop."
The brunette pulled back immediately, eyes filled with worry. "Did I hurt you?"
Maura shook her head and stroked Jane's cheek with her thumb to calm her down upon noticing the panic rising in the Italian. "No, not at all."
Some of the tension left the brunette's body, but a good part of it stayed.
"I don't want you to do something you aren't ready for."
Jane gently kissed her, before replying, "I wouldn't have done that if I wasn't ready for it."
"I know. But if you keep doing this I'll want you to do things that you are not ready for. I'll want to do things you aren't ready for."
At first Jane raised one eyebrow as if to challenge the blonde, but she quickly realized she was right. She wasn't ready to have sex again. But she was getting there. Standing under the shower with Maura, having her pressed against her, kissing her and making her moan, felt so intimate, right and exciting.
They washed each others hair, and Maura made sure to rinse Jane's thighs before they got out of the shower.
Just after they were dressed and Jane's thighs were bandaged, the doorbell rang.
Maura went to open it, while Jane carefully pulled her pants over the bandages. When she finally went downstairs, she was surprised to find her brother standing in the kitchen, holding 2 plastic bags.
"Hey Frankie" she breathed. She had expected her mother. Of course she knew he would come over, but she had been sure he would come after his shift, around 5 pm. She glanced at her watch; shortly before 2 pm.
He caught her staring at him like a deer in the headlights.
"Jane, don't worry, I'm just bringing food. Ma wasn't allowed to shift her break."
She nodded, slowly making her way over to Maura, who was standing next to the fridge, arms reaching out to take the bags away from Frankie. He handed the food over and gently patted his sister's arm. "Do you want to talk now or would you rather have me coming over later today?"
Jane didn't answer, and Maura hurriedly placed the boxes of food into the fridge, taking the brunette's hands into her own encouragingly.
Jane's thoughts raced. Now or later? I'm not gonna get out of it anyway. Now or later? Maura said I should talk to him. Now or later? He said he's there for me. Now or later? I don't want to talk to him. Now or later? Actually, I do. Now or later. Or do I?
She was pulled out of her trance when Maura placed a gentle kiss to her jawline. Their eyes locked, and suddenly Jane knew.
"Now would be nice."
AN: So, I hope you liked this chapter. I was originally planning on adding the Frankie/Jane talk to this chapter, but I decided to put it into the next.
As usual, tell me what you think.
Take care xxx