Characters are not mine
A lot of stuff has happened since the last update. I had to give up on my lease horse, which had been my rock for over a year now. I just couldn't get my mind to focus on writing. I hope you can understand that.
Anyway, I hope this chapter is going to make up for the long wait!
I know I said less drama, but I couldn't go without it at all ;)
Mild TRIGGER WARNING: Brief mentioning of assault/rape
They fell into bed exhausted after Angela had left. The older woman hadn't been satisfied with Jane and Maura all evening, happy that they seemingly worked out the issues of the night, but also unwilling to accept that all seemed fine when she had been up all night, trying to mediate between her daughter and Maura like they were teenagers in their first relationship.
Frankie had texted both of them, making sure they were okay, not able to keep his promise to call them because of his case.
"Maura?" Jane whispered into the darkness.
"Yes?" the blonde answered equally quiet.
"I need to know."
"What do you need to know?" Maura asked, the worry showing in her voice.
"I love you. Is that enough?"
The blonde couldn't see but somehow felt the tears that were making their way down Jane's face. "Enough for what?"
"For you to stay. To not leave me. To be patient, to not get frustrated with me, not get bored with me. Because I can offer you nothing else right now."
Maura sighed, the needy tone in the brunette's breaking voice poking her right in the chest. "Jane, it is so much more than enough and you know that." She pulled the dark haired woman close, holding her head against her chest.
"But how can it be? You are giving so much and I can't pay you back."
"It is enough because I love you. As long as we love each other, it doesn't matter that you can't give back everything." She gently kissed Jane's head. "It's hard for me sometimes, but I love you and as long as you love me and want me to, I'll stay. Where is this coming from?"
Jane pulled back a bit and began to run her fingers through Maura's hair. "When I talked to Frankie today...we talked about you and me, too."
The blonde squirmed, remembering standing behind the corner and listening, but tried to control herself.
"When I had given you the letter, and you came over that night-" They both breathed in sharply at the thought of the night Maura had found her in the bathroom, "you basically proposed, and today I figured you did that to tell me you're here for me. You said you'd be here for me as whatever I need you to be, and if that included being married..." She paused for a few seconds, arranging her thoughts. "And I keep asking myself" her voice got uncharacteristically high again, causing Maura to tighten her hold, "how much 'I'm going to stay with you because I love you' was it then, and how much 'I'm going to stay with you because you need me' is it now?"
The blonde let her cry in her shoulder for some time, using the time to think about a good answer.
"If it was just you needing me, I wouldn't have continued this relationship." she said once Jane had calmed down. "Think about this morning – what happened in the shower. We've been through this. I think we both feel inadequate in this, for different reasons obviously, but we still do."
Jane nodded.
"Of course I'm worried about you, of course I don't want to push you past the edge, I don't want to push you past your comfort zone, but I keep doing it and I'm incredibly sorry for that. I want to protect you no matter what, but I could do that if we were just friends, too. When I say I want to be there for you as more than a friend, I say it because I love you and I want this relationship. I want you, I want us."
Instead of replying, Jane lifted her head until their lips were almost touching. She closed the distance slowly, letting both of them enjoy the anticipation.
The kiss started soft and gentle, warm lips meeting in loving movements. That was until Jane shifted so she was halfway lying on top of Maura. She hooked her arms under the smaller woman's shoulders and threaded her fingers into soft hair. Their mouths got hungrier and their breaths more ragged.
Jane switched to Maura's jaw eventually, carefully avoiding her bruised neck. She earned a few moans before she pulled away just enough to be able to speak.
"Maura, I..."
The blonde silenced her with a quick kiss before she could go on. "Don't."
Jane looked at her, clearly confused.
"I know you're not ready. I also know you think I expect you to sleep with me whenever we go beyond soft kissing. I don't. You don't have to make sure I still think you aren't ready. I'll expect you to not be ready until you tell me you are. I'll let you take the lead, today, tomorrow, next month. You can go as far as you feel comfortable, and then you'll stay on that level." She kissed the brunette again.
"I don't want to go on, being intimate until you reach your limits, and then stop when you tell me. Because let's face it, it kills the mood. Kissing like we just did is nice. It's really nice. I'm absolutely content with doing that for hours without going further, without expecting it to go further. I'll take the hint. Okay?"
Jane nodded, close to tears again.
Maura wasn't finished, but spoke in a softer voice than before. "I know he didn't respect your rules. I know he didn't stop when you told him to. I understand why you want to make sure I don't overstep your boundaries. I just want you to know that no action has to lead to sex or stop altogether. I really enjoy what we have." J
ane had pressed her face to Maura's shoulder, trying to suppress the tears that fell anyway.
"Thank you" she whispered after some time.
Maura quickly set the alarm after asking Jane about her appointment the next day. They returned to their previous position, Jane laying half on top of Maura, and slipped into sleep quickly.
Jane woke up to an empty bed that was illuminated by sun light.
A wave of initial panic went through her, causing her to sit up abruptly, at the thought of having missed her appointment or at least being up to miss it.
She fell back onto the mattress when she got a glimpse of the alarm clock. It was 9 in the morning; she still had about 2 hours to get ready.
Slowly her senses caught up with her. The warm smell of coffee and pancakes filled the room, and Maura's voice was softly chiming through the house, causing the brunette to sit up again. While she had heard the doctor sing before, they were both sober for the first time.
She smiled at the memory of the blonde standing in the middle of the crowded bar, more shouting than singing some country song, not being able to keep the melody.
This was different.
Jane didn't recognize the melody and couldn't make out words, so she got up, planning on sneaking up on the blonde.
Maybe the coffee and pancakes were part of the reason to get out of bed, too, but hearing that beautiful voice overshadowed her need for caffeine.
"...remembered the place where she had been" Maura's voice got louder and clearer with every step Jane took down the stairs.
"the colours and lights that she had seen"
What was Maura singing? Jane couldn't place it.
"A place full of joy and love"
Finally she saw the blonde, who was standing in front of the opened fridge, picking out different kinds of berries.
"A place she would be dream-" Maura froze as she noticed the brunette while turning around to place the berries onto the counter.
"How long have you been standing there?" she asked, obviously flustered.
Jane couldn't help but smile at the reddish spots that formed on the doctor's skin.
"Not long" she tried to soothe the blushing woman. "But I'm curious...What song was that? I didn't recognize it."
Maura looked down at the floor, and Jane was almost sorry she had asked, when the blonde finally answered quietly. "Father wrote it for me when I was a child."
"Oh" was all Jane got out.
"Why did you let me sleep" she asked, trying to shift the mood. It was obviously a sensitive topic.
Maura picked up immediately and went back to setting up their breakfast. "I didn't want to wake you up. I thought we would still have enough time as long as I got up on time."
Jane walked up to her and hugged her from behind. "You are perfect" she said while kissing her still bruised neck gently.
The blonde turned around in her arms to be able to properly kiss.
After some time she extracted her fingers from the dark curls they had grasped and broke the contact. "Let's eat and get ready. You don't want to be late, do you?"
Jane kissed her one more time before sitting down.
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They parked in front of Dr Breen's office at 11:30.
"Are you sure you want to go alone?" Maura asked.
Jane nodded and leaned over to kiss the woman sitting on the driver's seat.
"I'll be waiting here" Maura said after the kiss had ended.
The brunette shook her head. "You don't have to. Go shopping or something. I'll call you once I'm done."
She straightened the scarf that was covering the bruises on Maura's neck, making sure she would feel safe to leave the car.
She gave her one last peck before leaving the car and making her way up the stairs to the old building.
Maura sat in the vehicle for some minutes, thinking about what to do. Appointments at Theresa's were usually 45 minutes to one hour, but for some reason she had placed Jane shortly before her lunch break. When the two doctors had spoken on the phone the day before, Theresa explained she had planned something special for the detective, to make her feel more comfortable with this whole therapy situation.
Finally accepting that she wouldn't be able to figure out how long Jane would be gone, she pulled out of the parking line and drove through the city without a plan on where to go. She thought about going to work, just for a few minutes to see if Pike was doing his – well her – job correctly. She decided against it for two reasons.
Mainly because she wouldn't be able to sleep because of the horrible things she would see, and Pike had already caused a lot of bad dreams, but also because it would be unfair to Jane.
She eventually stopped in front of a small café and got inside.
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"Hello Detective Rizzoli". The light voice of Theresa Breen echoed through the small room as the brunette entered.
"Hey" Jane answered as she stood behind "her" chair nervously. Even though it wasn't her first time at the psychologist, she still was anxious to no end.
Dr Breen stood up and reached out her hand, watching carefully as Jane shook it reluctantly.
"You don't like shaking hands, do you?" she asked friendly.
"No" the brunette answered. "It's not because of you, it's just...the scars..." she added with a shaky voice, turning her hands around, "...I don't like them being touched.".
It was still hard for her to talk about her thoughts and fears, especially with a stranger, but she was willing to do her best, even if it meant feeling uncomfortable.
Dr Breen sat down again and motioned for Jane to do so, too. "Then why do you do it?"
Jane looked at her bewildered for some time.
"Well...you already had your hand...and...what else should I have done?"
The doctor smiled at her. "You could have said you weren't okay with it, for example."
"Yeah but that would have been awkward."
The younger woman raised her eyebrows. "More awkward than doing it even though I was going to know you had reservations?"
Jane thought for some time. Dr Breen really had a point. "But...it just doesn't work that way. I mean by offering your hand you showed you expected me to shake it"
The brunette had looked down, but was forced to look at the doctor again when she was met with silence.
"And you want to please. You want to meet my expectations."
The room was filled with silence as Jane was allowed to think.
"I honestly never thought of it that way."
Dr Breen nodded. "You thought you were strong for doing it, right? You thought you were strong for not letting your experiences affect your behaviour."
Jane fell silent again, lost in thoughts.
"Are there other situations where it is this way? Is this a pattern?"
Everything fell out of place as Jane began to view herself from a different angle.
"Yes" she whispered, a bit ashamed but mostly astonished.
"Would you mind if we talked about this again next time? I feel like you could use some time to think about it."
Jane agreed. There were some thing she needed to rethink on her own.
"So" the doctor started again "how have you been during the past days?".
Jane mapped out the previous events, not going into detail but also not playing it down. The psychologist listened carefully, encouraging the brunette to go on from time to time.
"I have an idea" she said after Jane was finished. "I thought we could go grab something to eat and take a walk. I thought that would be a good alternative to this small room."
Jane was surprised but thankful, and so they left the building a few minutes later.
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Jane was suspiciously quiet during the ride home. Even though she had assured that the session had been good, Maura sensed something wasn't right. But no matter what she said, Jane didn't let her in.
As soon as they arrived at Maura's house, Jane locked herself in the guest room and told Maura to leave her alone for some time.
At first Maura was hurt, but analysing the brunette's behaviour, she concluded Jane was confused, not angry.
Sighing she sat down on the couch, covered her legs with a blanket, and reached for a magazine she hadn't read yet.
It wasn't until it got dark outside that Jane left the room and tiptoed towards the blonde who was still reading.
She slipped in next to her, wrapping the blanket around both of them as Maura put the magazine down and looked at her silently.
"Do you have time to talk?" Jane asked, uncertainty showing through in her voice.
The smaller woman turned towards her a bit. "Of course."
The brunette swallowed audibly while she fidgeted with her hands. "First of all,"
Maura pulled her hands apart and started massaging them, causing Jane to relax.
"I'm sorry for locking myself away like this. The session was pretty intense and I needed some time for myself."
"I understand."
The way Maura looked at her made Jane's heart flutter. How could she look at her with such an unconditional love after having waited for hours without even knowing why? "We have to talk about our relationship."
Maura's gentle smile fell immediately. "Jane, we've been through this." She gripped her hands harder for a few seconds. "More than once."
"Yeah, but this time it's different."
The blonde sighed softly. "Okay, go on."
"We talked about me doing stuff just to fit people's expectations during therapy today. That this act of being strong and pulling through against my will from time to time even was just a mask for my fear of not being good enough, of disappointing people. I thought about whether this was true or not this afternoon."
Maura's brows were raised in concentration as she thought about what Jane just had said. She had thought of Jane's behaviour as strong and heroic. Never would she have guessed it was just a façade, at least not all of it.
"When I was little, I was my mother's perfect little girl. Until it turned out I preferred to be one of the boys. I didn't like dresses or playing with dolls. I discovered sports, and was usually the only girl of the team. I didn't show interest in boys, at least not in any romantic way. And then I decided to join the police force...Do you know how many nights I spend listening to Ma crying? I stopped telling her when I was on undercover operations. Instead I told her I was spending weekends or even weeks with Casey. Do you remember when we told her how we met? How shocked she was when she found out I was undercover as a hooker? She doesn't know I did stuff like that all the time. Casey was an easy way out. My Ma knew him since we were both teenagers and he was always away with the army, so there was basically no way for her to find out the truth. For years I was so proud of myself for making this story up...for how well I was doing my job and for making Ma believe I was dating the same time. I guess I just tried to stop making myself feel guilty about causing her so much fear about my safety. Plus I didn't even want to date anybody at that point. But I never said so, always used Casey as an excuse.
And speaking of those undercover operations...I didn't even want to do half of them. I was so disgusted, even just at the thought of some, but I did them anyway, even when Cavanaugh had told me I didn't need to them if I didn't want to. Because he once told me I was the best, and I didn't want him to be disappointed, to regret having me working for him. But I told myself I was so strong for doing all that disgusting stuff, for not letting it stop me from doing my job, when I was afraid to admit I was uncomfortable or even afraid."
She didn't look at Maura. She just tightened the hold on the doctor's hands now and then.
"After Hoyt...and Dominic...and Casey, too...I was convinced it was so great of me to go through all the nightmares and panic attacks alone. That I didn't ask for help from my family or co workers. At work they expected me to be okay when I was back on duty. I didn't want them to think I was weak, not when they told me I was some kind of idol for dealing with it so well. I didn't tell Ma, because I wanted to prove her wrong so badly. She always said this job was gonna break me, even though she hoped I would be fine with everything she had got. For once in my life I didn't want to let her hopes down.
Similar with Frankie. I've always been his idol. I told myself it would destroy him if I admitted being broken, when in reality I was afraid of destroying myself.
I haven't told Ma about Casey yet. She mentions him everyday, but instead of telling her what happened, or at least that he hurt me, I keep quiet or talk my way around it, because I don't want her to see how weak I was to let it happen. I don't want her to believe she raised her daughter to be so submissive. She's so proud of me for being strong, at least."
She didn't say anything for some time, but Maura waited extra long before speaking up herself, not wanting to interrupt Jane in one of her unusual talks about emotions.
"But you never did this with me. You always told me about your nightmares, except for the ones Casey caused. You told me when you went on an operation. You share all of this with me. You aren't weak or broken. And you surely aren't submissive because he did this to you."
"That's what I wanted to talk about." Jane said, ignoring Maura's last sentences. "You are different. I couldn't find one situation in which I acted against my will to please you. I couldn't find a situation in which I lied to you, and myself in the process, to protect myself. Well except for what happened recently, but I guess this whole self harm thing is something different from everyday behaviour."
Maura nodded, not being sure where Jane was going.
"I thought about why it is like that. You don't expect anything from me. You never expected me to be girly, except for those times where you wanted me to wear dresses, but there was dress code so I think you're not to blame for that, you never expected me to just work after what has happened, you never thought of me as being weak for nightmares and stuff. This morning...I don't even know how to thank you. You just accept me the way I am, and you don't judge. I just want to make sure I do the same for you."
Maura's face turned into a loving grin. "Jane..."
"No, let me finish."
Maura nodded, the smile still decorating her lips.
"You'd never expect me to do something I don't want. You'd also never keep me from doing something I really want. I just want to be sure you get everything you want from this relationship. I don't want you to regret us because of something you can't have."
"Are you talking about sex?" The smile had faded into a frown. What could possibly be so important to her that Jane feared their relationship would stand in the way of it?
"I'm talking about having children."
The blonde was left speechless. She hadn't thought about the topic of children since they had gotten together. Too much had happened, too much that was more important. "I realised that I have no idea if you want them or not. I just want to make sure we're both happy in this for the long run. We're running out of time to get children, but I'm in no place to get and raise a child right now or in the close future."
It took some time for Maura to answer, but when she did, she breathed in deeply before starting. "I have to be honest, it's been a long time since I thought about reproducing. But...as someone who was adopted and grew up with what most people would call cold hearted parents, I would never get a child if I wasn't sure it would grow up under perfect conditions."
"But you can never be sure about that."
Maura shrugged. "Maybe that's why I haven't thought about it for so long."
She rocked closer to Jane, snuggling into her side. "When I was younger, I dreamed about pregnancy and motherhood a lot."
Jane moved to lie down, pulling Maura with her. The blonde was lying on her back while Jane was resting on her side. She placed her right hand on Maura's belly. "You would be so beautiful, pregnant."
The doctor smiled in return. "I planned I was going to have two children, one girl and one boy, with the perfect husband to complete the family."
Jane kissed her shoulder.
"But I also knew it was close to impossible to achieve all I wanted to achieve before starting a family. Plus, since I never really experienced what good parents are like, I was afraid I'd be just like my parents, especially since I do struggle with people. Before I met you, I spend a lot of time daydreaming about that family."
Maura turned around slightly so she could snuggle up to the brunette again.
"What were their names?" Jane asked playfully.
"The boy's name was Jeremy, the girl was called Bethany. Oh, and we had a golden retriever called Molly."
They laughed a bit. It felt good to be sharing the most intimate thoughts, it was freeing.
"Sounds lovely."
Jane turned more serious again. "What changed when you met me?"
The blonde pressed her face against Jane's chest, placing a kiss there. Then she pulled back just enough to be able to speak.
"When I got to know you, as our friendship developed, I realised that all I needed, to have the perfect family...was you."
The response she got wasn't a verbal one. Jane pulled Maura's face up to hers, waiting just milliseconds to look at the blonde's lips before claiming them.
AN: Here it is, I hope you liked the chapter.
What do you think about putting a bit of the therapy session in it? Is that something I should do more often or is it not interesting at all?
As usual, tell me what you think, and if you do it nicely, I will use your ideas or opinions to make this story better ;)
If you need someone to talk, I promise to be there and listen!
Take care and have a nice weekend, Alex