Faster Than Light
Daria/Ranma 1/2 cross. Wrote this for a thread on Bast's board but never posted it.
Amnesiac Ranma in a world not his own.
Brittany and Jodie had drug off their respective boyfriends for some relief, but they weren't the only ones who had witnessed Daria and Ranma's response to being shoved into a closet together and the unnoticed watchers had come to the same mistaken conclusion.
Jane's muttered comment involving Daria, breasts, and biting probably didn't help matters.
That wonderful information exchange system called 'rumors' insured that the story spread faster than printing it on the front page of the local newspaper would have, at least among the high school students. Long before a smirking Daria and Ranma had returned with punch for their partially paralyzed pal, it was considered 'fact' that the three were on a date together.
Daria handed a glass of punch to Jane and sat on the floor with her, still smirking about having gotten one over on her friend. Ranma noticed a number of people watching them while pretending not to and closed the door behind him so they wouldn't start rumors about them.
Yes, you read that right.
"So, would you say your time in the closet was more or less rewarding than mine was?" Daria smirked in the dimly lit closet.
Seeing her normally reserved friend so cheerful Jane couldn't help but smirk herself. "I don't know. I think you came out ahead, after all you did get your mouth on one of these babies," Jane snarked hefting her breasts in her hands.
A thump covered up anything the heavily blushing Daria could have said and they both turned to see a passed out Ranma with a drop of blood leaking from his nose.
"Oh my god! Is he alright?" Jane asked panicking a bit as she hadn't dealt with any medical emergencies that didn't involve her brother and alcohol before.
Daria scrambled over to Ranma and checked his pulse and made sure he was breathing. "He's OK, but I don't know what's happened. He was fine when we got here then you hefted your boobs and thud, he's out and has a little blood on his lip."
"I know I have a nice pair, but I don't think they took down our resident Superman," Jane said having regained enough feeling in her legs to crawl over to the pair.
Ranma awoke at the point and rubbed the back of his head where he'd hit it on the ground.
"Only one way to test this hypothesis," Jane said cheerfully.
"Huh?" Ranma asked, still a bit out of it.
"Ranma look over here," Jane said cheerfully and then flipped up Daria's skirt.
*Thud!*
"Jane!" Daria cried out, pushing her skirt back down, cheeks blazing.
"Aw! I think I got gypped," Jane grumbled.
"What?" Daria replied glad that nothing was seriously wrong with Ranma, but still recovering a bit from Jane's adventurous idea.
"I got one drop for playing with my breasts in front of him, but a single crotch shot from you and the boy has covered his lip with blood!"
"Really?" Daria glanced at Ranma's face before realizing what she was doing and covered it up by grabbing a tissue from her jacket and cleaning up the blood from his upper lip.
Jane grinned at her non-conformist friend showing a bit of feminine pride. "Good idea, let's get him cleaned back up and back on his feet, then we'll quiz him about this strange reflex of his."
The two looped Ranma's arms around their shoulders and got the surprisingly heavy teen back to his feet, wrapping their arms around him to keep him steady.
"Huh?" Ranma said, being held up and shaken awake by his two female friends.
Before either Daria or Jane could ask anything one of the football players stumbled in with his girlfriend, both of them shedding their shirts before noticing the three.
"Oops," the guy said grabbing his shirt while his girlfriend, who apparently didn't believe in bras, did the same. They quickly vacated the room, locking the door behind them by way of apology.
"Hey," Jane said letting go of Ranma. "You didn't pass out."
"Why would I pass out?" Ranma asked.
"That girl was completely topless and you're still standing," Jane pointed out.
"She wasn't that good looking," Ranma muttered absently, as his brain began to put together what happened.
Jane frowned. "Daria's panty shot took you out and the same thing happened when I jiggled my breasts. Hmm." The artists came up with a new theory. "I was talking about Daria at the time, so maybe the key element is Daria."
Daria was glad the room was dark enough to cover her blush, although you may take note of the fact that she had yet to step away from Ranma, but she would assure you that it was only because he was still a little unsteady.
Then Jane said something unbelievably scary. "Let's test that hypothesis." Jane pulled up her shirt, revealing that although she believed in bras, she believed in a minimalist philosophy about them.
Daria found herself holding up a suddenly limp Ranma.
"Nope, he apparently reacts to both of us, but has no interest in cheerleaders," Daria grunted out. "Now help me hold him up!"
"Oops," Jane said. "I should have thought that one out more." She quickly helped Daria keep Ranma upright and shook him awake once more."
"Huh?"
"You keep passing out," Daria explained, wiping his lip clean of blood.
"Heh, heh, yeah," Ranma laughed nervously.
"So care to tell us what that's about?" Jane asked.
Ranma faded from sight, surprising the two and causing them to tighten their hold on him.
"I don't think you can sneak away invisibly while we're holding you," Daria pointed out.
"Damn!" came Ranma's voice from between them.
"So give," Jane commanded. "Or the shirt comes off!"
"OK OK! I..." Ranma's voice fell silent and he faded back into sight. "I don't remember," Ranma said grinning widely.
"Why are you so happy that you can't remember?" Daria asked.
Ranma thought about it for a second. "I have no idea I just know that it involves angry women."
"Drat, I was thinking it was because we were attractive, but I can't imagine women getting mad because you find them attractive," Jane complained.
"Some women do," Daria countered. "Maybe he was surrounded by militant lesbians," she joked.
"What's a militant lesbian?" Ranma asked, having never heard the term before.
"A whack job that hates boys," Jane replied.
A female voice seemed to echo in Ranma's head 'I hate boys' and he caught a glimpse of short dark hair. "Huh? I almost got something from that, there was a girl chanting 'I hate boys'."
"So I could be right, you get a nosebleed and pass out because you find us attractive?"
Ranma shrugged. "No idea. I remember a girl chanting that she hated boys and an impression of angry women, but that doesn't tell me why I get a nosebleed and pass out."
"You'd probably best sit down, just in case we trigger that reflex again," Jane suggested, taking a spot on the floor and waving for them to sit. "OK, Ranma, I promise neither one of us will get upset or angry if you find us attractive. I'd be more upset if you didn't think I was attractive."
"Really?" Ranma glanced over at Daria who nodded and was really grateful that they were in a dimly lit place.
"OK, now the cheerleader came in and stripped topless, how did you feel?" Jane asked.
Ranma shrugged. "A bit annoyed that she was interrupting us."
"You saw that she was topless?"
"Yeah."
"Breasts bouncing free?"
"Yeah."
"And you were just annoyed that she was here?"
"Yeah."
"I lifted up my shirt-" she began only to stop when Ranma held his nose. "Were you feeling annoyed?" Jane grinned.
"No," Ranma said, still holding his nose.
"If I ask what you were feeling are you going to get embarrassed?"
"Yep," Ranma answered nervously.
"OK."
"That's it?"
"Yep, I'm pretty sure we both know what you were feeling so I won't ask, I'll just sit here and feel smug that my breasts are made out of kryptonite."
"OK." Ranma wasn't sure what kryptonite was, but as long as she wasn't going to question him about what he felt he was happy.
"Now on to Daria's crotch!" Jane said forcefully.
Daria was again really thankful that only light in the room was from the cracks around the door, because she was pretty sure she couldn't get any redder. Then she noticed his eyes. "Ranma, how dark is it in here to you?"
"It's not dark in here at all, why?"
"How can you say it's not dark?" Jane asked. "I can barely see a foot away clearly and I'm sure seeing my mythical breasts in the light would be good for a week long coma at least!"
"Look at his eyes, they look like a cat's. They even reflect light like them," Daria explained.
Jane examined Ranma's eyes. "Cool!"
"Don't cat's see heat sources, like those infrared video cameras they wanted to buy for school security?" Daria asked.
"Wait! Didn't they take those off the market?" Jane asked.
"Not all of them, but some were taken off the market because they could see through clothes..." Daria trailed off.
"Ranma can you see through our clothes?" Jane asked before answering herself. "Of course you can't otherwise you'd have passed out in a pool of blood by now."
Daria sighed in relief. "So, how much can you see?"
"Well, I can see everything pretty clearly if washed out and gray, and a couple of times it looked like your face glowed for a second or two," Ranma replied.
"And you didn't think us glowing was worth mentioning?" Daria asked.
Ranma flared his aura for a moment, outlining his body in a blue glow, before returning the room to its previous twilight state.
"Well I know whom I'm calling if I lose my keys in the parking lot at night," Daria snarked, not all that surprised that Ranma was his own night light and relieved he didn't gain x-ray vision in the dark.
"OK, I guess if I could do that I wouldn't think it strange if other people glowed for a second here and there," Jane replied.
"Its not that hard," Ranma said. "I could probably teach you to manifest an aura before the year's up if you were interested."
"How much work we talking here?" Jane asked, curious.
"Not a lot, couple of hours a day and some moderate effort."
"Moderate for us or for you?" Daria asked, knowing Ranma used a completely different scale.
"Well the first two weeks would be really taxing, I won't lie, but it gets easier after that."
"Can simple humans learn how to do the voodoo you do?" Jane asked.
"Most of it, I think, but simple things like increasing your strength and speed, flaring your aura, throwing chi blasts are easy to learn, if you have a good instructor."
"Could I lift the jeep?" Jane asked excitedly, remember her vow.
"Sure, it'd take you most of the year to get that strong and you wouldn't be able to hold it longer than a minute or two to start."
"We are so in!"
"What do you mean we?" Daria asked not that she wasn't interested, but being volunteered without complain just wasn't in her nature.
"I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't try to insure you were suffering right along with me."
Ranma found himself nodding at that, suffering built strong martial artists and a good friend would want his friends to be strong too.
"Misery is such a slut," Daria snickered.
"I am not, I was wearing a bra when I flashed him," Jane protested grinning.
"Bra? What Bra?" Ranma asked.
The two girls turned to Ranma.
"You didn't see her bra?"
"It's a thin black number, just enough support to be comfortable without being confining?" Jane said hopefully.
"I didn't see a bra, all I saw was," Ranma slapped a hand over his nose. "You!"
"Eeep!"
"So while you may not have x-ray vision in the dark, you do have the ability to see through underwear?" Daria asked slowly.
"How would I know if the underwear is there if I couldn't see it?" Ranma asked carefully, his danger sense warning him to speak carefully.
"So when I was kneeling by your head and Jane flipped up my skirt... did you see any underwear?" Daria asked.
*Thud!*
"I think that was a no," Jane replied softly, wishing she'd known Ranma could see through underwear before embarrassing her friend like that, much less exposing herself the way she had.
"I'm guessing he can see through thin material if there is substantial body heat involved," Daria guessed.
"Hmm, if I remember my sex education classes correctly substantial blood flow to the appropriate area would mean-" Jane began only to be interrupted by Daria.
"Several possible things which I will never confirm nor deny, but that's not important at the moment," Daria said with forced calm.
"Then what is important at the moment?" Jane said nervously.
"The fact that I have no intention of being the only girl here who gave Ranma a major nosebleed," Daria grinned evilly.
"I showed him my breasts," Jane offered, hoping she could get out of it that easily.
"Nope, I'm thinking the Full Monty is more appropriate in this situation."
"Which means?" Jane asked, never having heard the phrase before but thinking it sounded like a very kinky sexual position.
"The pants, give them to me," Daria ordered with a grin and a fake Bavarian accent.
"Eeep!" Jane would admit to being at least a little curious and probably would have gone for a Partial Monty if Daria had bought her dinner first, as long as it only involved two fingers and nothing in the rear, but the Full Monty sounded way too adventurous to try with anyone who hadn't been dating her for at least a year first. 'Why couldn't she just be trying to strip me naked?' Jane thought as she tried to dodge Daria's darting hands.
Jane fought back, but Daria was surprisingly wiry. Thinking that she could use Daria's shyness against her she tried to mirror Daria's tactics with the end result being, a lot of squealing, two naked and panting girls, Ranma passing out with a shirt that was covered in blood.
"Oops," Daria muttered as she saw Ranma's shirt. "I think we may have killed him."
Jane examined him closely. "Nah, he's still breathing, but we better get dressed before he wakes up again and really does die of blood loss."
Daria laughed as the strangeness of the situation hit her. "I never thought I'd be in this situation before."
"Well you never met me and Ranma before, and your life was assuredly poorer for it," Jane said proudly. "I know mine was."
"You may be right," Daria admitted thinking of how lonely her life was before she moved because she refused to change who she was just to fit in. "But my acerbic and sarcastic nature says you'll never drag it out of me."
"I'll take the challenge, Morgendorfer. I will spend much time and effort on making you smile and I will enlist my Evil Hench Person Ranma as well!" Jane announced grandly.
"Evil Hench Person?" Daria asked while searching for her skirt.
"Well he can change sexes, which makes henchman a bit inaccurate and I'm already planning on ways to make you laugh that requires two girls for the situation to be funny!"
Daria grinned, not that Jane could see it in the dark, but she could hear it in her voice. "You don't happen to see my skirt, do you?"
"Yeah, I'm wearing it. Just put on my pants when you find them."
"Why are you wearing my skirt?"
"Cause it's your turn to ride Ranma!" Jane said brightly.
*Thud!*
"Did you just knock out Ranma again?"
"Nah, he's in the same position, now help me get his shirt off."
"What?"
"We need to rinse the blood out before it stains and find a light switch so we can run the washer and dryer."
"And so Ranma can't see through what little we're wearing, because I don't know about you but I think he's lost enough blood for one night."
(On the other side of the door...)
"I can't hear anything anymore," one of the teens complained to the others outside the locked door. "I think they caught on and turned on the washer so no one could listen in."
"Aww," sighed the crowd.
"What's going on!" Brittany asked, having returned to the party.
"A guy and two girls are in the laundry room with the door locked and they were making a lot of interesting sounds, but they turned on the washer, so now we can't hear anymore," the teen explained.
"What's the last thing you heard?" Brittany asked curiously.
"Something about it being the other girl's turn to ride the guy."
"They're still at it?! I can see why they turned on the washer, the spin cycle will help him conserve energy," Brittany replied.
"Really?" the boy asked.
"Yeah, it practically does all the work for you! If he's still in there with those two, he probably needs the help."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"Thanks for not being mad," Ranma said.
The girls rolled their eyes.
"Once again, we can't get mad at you for things we did," Daria replied.
"Yeah, it was totally my bad. Except for the whole, 'both of us stripped at the same time', that I blame Daria for," Jane said with a grin, as she watched Ranma hold his nose shut.
Daria switched Ranma's shirt from the washer to the dryer. "If you had taken your punishment like a woman that wouldn't have happened."
"How was I to know the Full Monty just meant nudity? The way you were talking it sounded like something that required at least four fingers, extensive tongue use, and careful positioning," Jane protested.
Daria smirked. "So British slang is your weakness? Well how about I have Ranma knock you up at six tomorrow morn and then we can all three enjoy a little bangers and mash, if you get what I mean," Daria said suggestively.
Jane went wide eyed. "I'll agree to the second one as long as you agree we can forgo the first. I'm too young to spawn!"
"To knock someone up in England means to wake them up. You have fallen for my fiendish trap by ignoring the second thing to concentrate on the first!" Daria laughed evilly. "We'll be by around about 6:30 then." Daria slunk forward and leaned in to whisper in her ear, "And bangers and mash will be had by all."
"Eeep!"
Daria backed off, happy to have gotten the upper hand. 'I'll have Dad make some tomorrow morning and then we'll surprise Jane with them.'
Ranma stopped pinching his nose shut and wondered what it was about British food that frightened Jane.
Jane quickly turned around at the sound of the dryer going off. Not that she was retreating, no! She was just helping Ranma, that was it! She was biding her time until she came back with some stunning innuendo! 'Cause Daria was just joking about bangers and mash, right?' She had to be, because Ranma still got nosebleeds from either of them showing skin, so she had to be bluffing.
Pulling the silk shirt out of the dryer, Jane almost purred. It was just so warm and felt so silky. "Hey, Ranma turn around for a second, I'm taking off my shirt!" The sound of Ranma spinning around was comforting. At least he could still be out innuendoed! Jane quickly switched shirts, enjoying the feel of warm silk. "Catch," she called throwing her shirt to Ranma.
"Man this is tight," Ranma commented, pulling on the blue shirt Jane had been wearing that was at least two sizes too small for him.
Jane and Daria both were rendered a little speechless by the sight of Ranma wearing it. They'd managed not to stare when he was shirtless by teasing each other, but that too small shirt outlined exactly how well defined his muscles were.
Jane recovered faster, her brother's bandmates wandering around half naked having given her a slightly greater resistance. "You aren't going to complain about me stealing your shirt?"
"I have a feeling that it's happened a lot. Something about sleepwear..." Ranma trailed off confused.
"Good idea," Jane said. "This shirt is just so comfortable and it's long enough to use as a nightshirt. "You should get one Daria."
"You want me to steal one of Ranma's shirts to sleep in?" Daria asked, amused at discussing the theft in front of the owner.
Ranma rolled his eyes. "You can have one of the plain ones if you like."
"Plain ones?" Jane asked. "So you have better ones?" She grinned evilly.
"Yes, I have ones with elaborate dragons on them, but they take forever to make, so I don't let anyone steal them."
"You make your own clothing?" Daria asked curiously.
"Silk clothes last longer than any other type around me and it's cheaper to make your own than buy them," Ranma explained. "So I learned. Some woman with long hair taught me."
"Finally pulling through that amnesia thing?" Jane asked.
"Bits here and there, but nothing that makes any sense and some of the bits I do get are so crazy that I probably picked them up watching TV."
"Give me one of the stranger ones," Daria said.
"I was fighting a multi-headed dragon, but I wasn't trying to kill it, I just need some of the moss that grew on its back."
"Wow, that's a bit out there, but considering what we've seen you do, I can't say it couldn't have happened," Jane offered.
"The militant lesbian and a wrinkled old man wearing a cheerleader outfit complete with pom-poms was helping me."
"But then again it might be a dream you are remembering," Daria added.
Ranma smiled. "Thanks, that actually helps. Hopefully all the crazier things are just dreams."
"So you can make feminine type clothes?" Jane asked.
"Some simple designs, I think, why?"
"Well if we have clothes like yours then we won't have to steal yours," Jane suggested.
Ranma chuckled. "So you are willing to strip down to your underwear in my room and let me measure you?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Jane blushed but pushed through it. "As long as the lights don't go out, otherwise me and Daria might as well just go naked," she leaned forward as she said the last bit, pulling his shirt tight to show off her assets.
"Eeep!" Ranma clamped both hands to his nose again.
"Yes!" Jane cheered. "I win!"
Daria snickered and rolled her eyes. "Well, as much fun as this has been, I think it's time to head home. My parents are pretty easy going, but unless I'm home before Quinn, she'll use this time to play on their fears, in an attempt to keep me far away from the popular crowd, by getting me grounded for the year."
"Are your parents really that gullible?" Jane asked.
"My mom isn't, but my dad is. So while I don't have to worry about being grounded, my dad will worry and try and spend time with me. It's not that it's not touching, but it's touching and annoying at the same time."
"My parents are so easy going you'd never know they were there. Mostly because they're not," Jane said with a hint of amusement.
"My parents are..." Ranma trailed off for a moment. "I have no idea, but I think my father is a panda."
"I'd say government bred super soldier, released from a lab, just took the lead," Jane said.
"How do you figure?" Ranma asked.
"Memories so strange they have to be faked. They obviously programmed you with a lot of false memories so no one could figure out who made you."
"Or it could just be a dream with no deeper meaning than his father being overweight and liking his sleep," Daria suggested.
"That... sounds about right," Ranma grinned.
"Well at any rate, I believe it's time to go, if we want to save Daria from parental over-protection. So Daria, climb atop my trusty steed!" Ranma snickered and got down on one knee as Jane urged her to climb aboard.
Rolling her eyes, Daria complied, trying not to show what being this close to Ranma was doing to her. 'Curse you tiny blue T-shirt' she thought to herself and renewed the vow she made when she was nine, if she turned into one of those brainless, giggly girls, she would have herself cryogenically frozen until a cure was found.
"We are going to have to get you a coconut," Jane said suddenly, confusing Ranma and making Daria suppress a giggle that threatened to burst from her mouth, by pressing her face against the side of his neck.
Ranma stumbled and almost went down.
"Easy, Tantor, she doesn't bite," Jane promised amused by the bright red they both turned.
"Why a coconut?" Ranma asked, trying to distract himself from how Daria's breath felt against his neck.
"If you don't know the reason why, then I can't tell you, but there shall be much watching of TV at your place as we educate you on popular culture!"
"And away we go?" Jane said looking at the crowd outside the closet who began cheering. She quickly closed the door before they got a good look at her.
"OK, Problem. How do we sneak out when half the school is between us and the exit?" Jane asked thoughtfully.
"Why do we need to sneak out?" Ranma asked, confused.
"We'll have been in here for a while and we're wearing each others clothes. Normally not a big deal. Unfortunately, I didn't count on the crowd, so now we have to figure out a way to escape a room with only one exit, without being seen." Jane's brow wrinkled in thought. "Daria, you're being unusually quiet."
Daria didn't move from her extremely comfortable spot, but did lift her mouth from his neck to speak, "Don't care."
"But they'll hose your reputation!" Jane complained. "I can get away with pretty much anything as I've managed to convince the school I'm a crazy artist and not to expect anything I do to make sense, but you still have a mostly clean rep."
"Meh, never cared about my reputation in my old school and I care even less here," Daria dropped her head back onto Ranma's shoulder.
"So you don't mind having a load of hormonal school boys pester you, thinking you're an easy lay?" Jane asked, pointing out the one problem she figured Daria would care about.
Ranma's growl caused the door to vibrate slightly and raised all the hair on Jane's arms. Daria found herself having her legs wrapped around a vibrating Ranma an experience she wanted to repeat and decided she would be speaking with her mom about it, because she really wasn't used to feeling like this.
"OK, well then for the sake of the poor hormonal boys, who Ranma will cripple for bugging you, we will have to sneak out."
"I could just make all of us invisible and walk out," Ranma suggested.
"Seriously?" Jane asked.
"Sure, I'll have to carry you, so we're all three really close together and I'll need a sheet to cover us with."
"If we're invisible, why would we need to cover up?" Jane asked.
"The more I'm making invisible the harder it is, but I can cheat by making a sheet invisible and covering us with it," Ranma explained.
"Cool," Jane said grabbing a red satin sheet from on top of the dryer. "So how close we talking here?"
"I'll have to carry you, while you hold the sheet closed around us."
Jane wrapped the sheet around them, smirking at how comfortable Daria looked and suddenly found herself being held by Ranma.
Carrying Jane bridal style with Daria on his back, he carefully wrapped them all in the Unisenken's Thief's Cloak technique before opening the door and sliding out through the crowd of confused teens who were wondering why the door opened when there was no one inside.
The boy who'd been listening at the door was congratulated on an excellent prank, as everyone figured he'd set the washer and dryer timer and made up the rest. Only Britney and Jodie knew differently and they didn't say a word, although they did track down their recovering boyfriends.
Jane was curled up comfortably against Ranma and discovered why Daria was being so quiet. He smelled good! Jane buried her nose in the crack of Ranma's neck and relaxed.
* The not so great escape
* Mother knows best.
* Dream a little Freudian dream of me.
* Something Else
Typing by: Stephenopolos