You guys are literally going to hate me for this chapter and I'm very sorry. It was necessary though. Feel free to express your feelings in a review.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! This chapter will make you want to cry, but I promised it'll get better.

Warning: Mentions of self-harm in this chapter.

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Chapter 18

Early December (Friday):

"I can't believe you're still dating her, Blaine," Kurt hissed through the cold air. He and Blaine were sitting on his favorite rock out by the secret lake. They were bundled up in winter clothing, although it was unseasonably warm for winter. It wasn't snowing, and the boys weren't freezing. The lake hadn't even turned to ice all the way.

"Do you realize that you say that to me almost every day? I'm not dating her, Kurt, I'm dating you," Blaine replied.

"Exactly. So why don't you break it off with Rachel? Tina keeps telling me that you've accidentally found feelings for her and that we're going to end up on the MTV show, True Life: I'm in a Three-way Relationship," Kurt argued. Blaine laughed. "Do you think that's funny? I'm not kidding."

"Stop listening to Tina. You know how I feel about you, and that should be enough for you," Blaine said calmly.

"It used to be enough. But, this has been going on for far too long. It's been a month since you started to date Rachel," Kurt replied. He used to tear up when having this argument with Blaine. But, he's gotten used to the fight. He doesn't even sound angry anymore, just tired.

"Kurt, let's go back to the house and order pizza. I'm getting cold," Blaine suggested. He began sliding down the large rock. Kurt followed, but argued.

"We can't fix our fights with pizza and Taylor Swift songs every time, Blaine," Kurt said. Blaine laughed out loud. He turned to face Kurt, who had his hands on his hips.

"Is this even a fight anymore? Or is it just a conversation that we just happen to have every day? I just don't understand what the problem is. You know I don't actually like Rachel in any way. And, you know I like you in every way. So, please, enlighten me on what our issue is?" Blaine sassed.

"Why can't you just be with me, Blaine?" Kurt called. They were standing a few feet away from each other, and Kurt took baby steps toward him.

Blaine took long strides to reach Kurt. His feet crunched on frost-bitten leaves. He walked right into an embrace. He held his arms tight arm Kurt, waiting for him to hug back.

"I am with you, Kurt," he whispered right in Kurt's ear, sending shivers down his spine. Kurt finally hugged back.

"Why can't I hold hands with you at school? Why can't I kiss you goodbye at dismissal time. Why did I have to switch seats with Rachel at lunch so you could hold her hand on the table instead of holding mine under the table?" Kurt questioned.

Blaine looked into Kurt's bright blue eyes. He smiled at how beautiful they were. "Kurt. You just listed all of the pointless things I do with Rachel in front of a crowd of students. But, after all of that torture of pretending with Rachel, I get to come home to you. And we get to do the fun things that Rachel doesn't even know about. That no one knows about. I get to cuddle on your couch with you and watch Disney movies all night. I get to bake cookies with you and let you lick the spoon. I get to kiss you all of the time. I get to have the feeling of butterflies in my stomach every single time you look in my direction. These are all things that are for us. Things that we don't need to share with anyone except each other. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel incredibly lucky," Blaine chimed.

Kurt smiled a little and thought about what Blaine had just said. "That's sweet, Blaine. But, those other things that you do with Rachel, the ones that you pushed aside as 'pointless,' they aren't pointless. They shouldn't be pointless. That's all part of a relationship. Yes, I agree, it's lovely to have those times alone with each other. But, spending time alone all the time is a great way to get sick of each other. I know those things seem pointless to you because you're doing them with Rachel, but wouldn't you feel happy doing them with me? I just want to know how it feels to hold my boyfriend's hand at school, okay?"

"I'm sure it feels absolutely wonderful until all of the other students, especially the football guys, start tearing us down for it. There's no more football for winter, Kurt, so I can't threaten to quit the team like I used to. There's nothing holding them back from ripping apart my life, and yours, too."

"Blaine, they've already broken me. They've torn me down to my core. I have nothing to lose," Kurt said.

"But I do, Kurt." Blaine crossed the small bridge that he was once terrified to even consider crossing, then turned around to offer Kurt a hand. Kurt took Blaine's extended hand and crossed the bridge, but then Blaine held on tight to show that he wished to continue holding hands until they got home.

They remained silent until they reached grass instead of woods. Blaine dropped Kurt's hand because he wasn't sure if Burt was home or not.

"Look, Kurt," Blaine began as they entered an empty home. Burt's car wasn't in the driveway. As usual, they had the house to themselves. Burt didn't mind leaving them alone all of the time because he was under the impression that Blaine had a girlfriend. "I completely understand that it's easy for you to be openly gay, because everyone already knows that you're gay. I'm not like that. No one knows besides you, Tina, Mercedes and Rachel. It could change everything for me if I come out now. I just don't want anyone to think that they're above me just because of who I like, you know? I know you want me to be all lovie-dovie with you in public, but it's not fair that you're asking that of me. Do you really want to bring me down with you?" Blaine asked. The question hit Kurt hard.

Do you really want to bring me down with you? Kurt repeated this in his head and couldn't form an answer. Blaine could tell that he shouldn't have said that by the way Kurt's eyes dropped. Kurt took a deep breath and tried to stay calm.

"Okay. You don't have to hold my hand and do all that stuff in school. But, at least break up with Rachel and consider coming out?" Kurt offered.

"No, Kurt. You said you'd be patient with me. Did you really mean that? Because you're pressuring me right now and you're being the opposite of patient. Why can't you just be here for me and help me through this?" Blaine asked, getting louder and more serious as he went on.

Kurt sat on the couch and thought about who was really to blame. Blaine sat next to him and put his head in his hands.

They sat on the couch for a long time, stuck with their own thoughts. Kurt came to a conclusion in his head and was trying to decide if it was the best choice or not. Blaine looked over at him.

"I can see that you're not sure if you should say something or not," Blaine said. Kurt looked over at him. "Just say it," he urged.

Kurt sighed. "Maybe it's hard for me to be a patient friend and an attention-seeking boyfriend at the same time. As your friend, of course I only want you to feel safe and comfortable. But, as your boyfriend, I want you to show that you're proud to be with me. We can't have both right now. I think you need a friend more than a boyfriend," Kurt explained slowly.

"Are you saying we should take a break or something?" Blaine said in a small voice.

"No. I don't know what we should do. That's what I was trying to figure out in my head. If we break up, but remain best friends, it would be like we never broke up. We would still have the same feelings for each other and we would be spending the same amount of time together. We'd end up making out every night and then pretending it was a mistake," Kurt said.

"So, we have two options. Either, we stay together and you have to be very patient, which I know is a lot to ask. Or, we spend time apart until I get myself together enough to come out," Blaine said.

"I don't like that last option, Blaine," Kurt said quietly. Blaine reached over and grabbed his hand.

"I don't either. Maybe it's what we need, though. What if I promise that I'll break up with Rachel and come out by the end of our holiday break?"

"That's in January. That's a month of us being apart, Blaine," Kurt said angrily.

"Hey, what do you want from me? I'm trying, Kurt. I really, really am," Blaine argued. He stood up off the couch and walked toward the door. "We're going to take time apart, okay? I'm going to text you when I think I'm ready to show everyone my true self, and you can help me through it. Until then, I'll see you around," Blaine said. He opened the front door and walked out, leaving Kurt alone in his home.

Blaine ran to his car and turned the radio on to full volume. He hit his steering wheel in anger before driving off.

Kurt took a couch pillow and threw it to the ground forcefully. Tears were streaming down his face. He scratched at his wrist intensely.

He kicked the pillow out of his way and ran up the stairs. His clock illuminated the time in his dark room. 7:39. He opened his drawer and retrieved his sharpest razor. He didn't give himself time to think before tearing his skin open. He used his pale skin as paper, and the razor as a pen. He scribbled nonsense. His vision was blurred and he wasn't sure what he was doing.

Once he felt like his left arm had taken too much, he transitioned his razor to the other hand and began on his right arm. A few scratches in, he realized that he had had enough. He went to the bathroom to clean himself up. He felt dizzy, and his head was pounding, so he took two pain-relievers.

He liked to text Blaine whenever he thought about cutting, and Blaine would make him feel so good that he would forget that he was considering it. But, he couldn't do it this time. Instead of thinking too much about it, he put on a large crew neck sweatshirt and went to bed.

In his sleep, Kurt dreamt of his mother. He went to her grave and sat down in front of it, like he often did in real life. In the dream, he placed flowers next to all of the others, and talked to his mom, telling her that he was in love.

"I'm so happy, Mom. I haven't been this happy in a very, very long time. Blaine makes me feel loved. Of course, you and Dad have always done that, but it's different. I was born into your life, you had no choice of which baby you wanted. You were stuck with me, whether you liked it or not. Although, I supposed that's how love is, too. Yes, Blaine chose to be my boyfriend. But, maybe it wasn't choice at all. Maybe it was fate. Is that silly, to believe such a thing? I just know if love was a choice, I'd still choose him."

This blurry dream was interrupted by a knock on Kurt's bedroom door. Kurt could hear the knock in his dream before his brain realized that the knock was happening in reality. He lifted his head and squinted to the door.

"Sorry to wake you, kiddo. I just thought Blaine would be here," Burt asked. Kurt rubbed his eyes.

"Blaine needs time to himself right now. He's figuring things out, you know?" Kurt answered tiredly. Even when his mind was foggy from fatigue, he still knew how to tell just enough of the truth.

"Well, alright. Night, Kurt," Burt said.

Kurt plopped his head back into his pillow and immediately fell back asleep. He hoped his mother would be in his dream again, but when he woke up Saturday morning, he didn't recall having another dream at all.

He stayed in his oversized sweatshirt and went downstairs for breakfast. He figured it would be relaxing to have a Saturday morning without Blaine, because he could stay in his PJs and watch cartoons all day.

I have two options, Kurt said to himself as he walked through the living room. I can either think about Blaine and sulk all day, or I can watch TV and ignore my problems.

As he walked through the kitchen door he thought, I like the TV option better.

He strolled into the kitchen to find that his father was still home. He checked the clock on the oven to see that it was definitely past nine thirty.

"Hey, why are you home right now?" Kurt questioned.

"Can I not have a nice breakfast with my kid before work?" Burt asked sarcastically. He sat at the table next to Kurt and slid him a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

"Are you here because you thought I'd be lonely without Blaine to eat breakfast with?" Kurt inquired.

"I just thought we could both use some company today. Did you and Blaine fight?" Burt asked.

"Wait, did I dream that I was talking to you last night? Or did that really happen? Because I definitely recall telling you why Blaine wasn't here last night," Kurt answered.

"Well, yeah, you did. But, vaguely. I mean, you don't have to tell me what's going on, because it's really not my business-"

"Dad, I told you," Kurt interrupted. "He's trying to figure some things out. His life isn't perfect."

"But I don't see why that's keeping him from being here. Not that it matters, since I'm sure he'll be back next Friday," Burt assumed.

"He needs space, Dad. I don't know how much and I don't know for how long, but I know that I need to give it to him, okay?" Kurt snapped.

"Alright, alright," Burt said, putting his hands up in defense. "If that's what Blaine needs, then I'm glad you're giving it to him. I know it must be hard for you to spend time away from him, with your feelings for him and everything, but you're doing the right thing"

"What did you just say? I don't have feelings for Blaine!" Kurt stood up swiftly. "I'm tired of everyone thinking that Blaine and I are a thing. He has a girlfriend, Dad," Kurt fumed, his face turning red.

Burt remained calm even though Kurt seemed furious. "That doesn't mean you don't want to be with him," he stated quietly.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "That doesn't mean I do want to be with him, either," he said.

His dad got up and left the kitchen and Kurt followed him. He put on his coat and his working hat.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get angry. I'm not having a good week," Kurt said before his dad left.

"It's fine. You obviously need some space, too. Have a nice day, Kurt," Burt said as he walked out the door. Kurt lied on the couch and draped a blanket over himself.

He picked up his phone off of the coffee table and checked it before realizing that Blaine was not going to text him. He decided that he didn't like break-ups. Even though he knew that he was going to date Blaine again, it was hard to pretend to be strong.

He turned the volume on the TV up and tried to tune out his thoughts, just for a little while.