First of all, sorry that I changed my username. I liked this one better (I don't know why it wasn't taken already, but I guess that's good for me).
Hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for reading and thanks for reviewing!
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Chapter 19
Kurt tried his hardest to avoid Blaine at all costs. By the second week of December, the separation was driving them both insane.
"The hardest part," Kurt explained to Tina, "is that I see him every day. We sit next to each other in history, we're lab partners in chem. And then I have to sit with him at lunch, too. And, to top it all off, I get to watch him stick his tongue down Rachel's throat during passing time in the hallways, and also at glee club. It just sucks to see him in person and not say a single word."
"Hey, how about you and me move to a different lunch table? We can get out of there. Mercedes, too. Maybe even Artie. We can just leave the two of them to themselves and have our own lunch table," Tina offered. Kurt smiled warmly.
"Thanks, Tina. Maybe we should," he answered.
"And, Kurt, just remember that you're being really strong right now. I mean, you haven't cracked once since your fight with Blaine. Even when Blaine tries to speak with you, you keep up with the silence. Good for you….Do you still want to get back together with him?"
"I did. I don't know, I think I'm just too angry to think about it. It's really rude that he keeps trying to talk to me even though he's the one who walked out on me. I'm not speaking with him until he breaks up with Rachel," Kurt stated.
"Kurt, I'm totally on your side and I support your decisions, but, now that I think about it, maybe you should talk to him. He's going through some pretty rough times and he might need you," Tina said.
"No. I'm doing the right thing. He needs space. If I give in, who knows what will happen?"
"Um, you'll get back together and live happily ever after?" Tina responded.
Kurt sighed sharply.
"I don't get it, Kurt," Tina said. "I don't understand why you think you're helping him by ignoring him. I don't believe that you think you're helping him at all, honestly. I think you're just mad. Which is okay. Everyone has the right to feel the way they feel, and if you're mad at him, that's fine. Just don't act like you're helping him in any way by pretending he doesn't exist," Tina advised.
Kurt didn't want to talk about it anymore. He didn't want to think about it anymore.
The bell rang and Kurt walked out of the room before saying goodbye to Tina. Gym was his last class, and he usually passed Blaine while entering the locker room. He walked through the gym to get to their locker room. He suddenly felt eyes on him when he was nearly halfway through the gym, and he knew Blaine was watching him. He tried to walk swiftly. He could see Blaine from his peripheral vision, and even when he knew he was past Blaine's path, he could still feel his eyes watching him.
Kurt entered the locker room and went straight to his usual locker to put his books inside. When he unlocked it and opened it, a note fell to the ground. He rolled his eyes and considered leaving it there on the dirty floor for sweaty boys to step on. Blaine left notes in Kurt's real locker almost every day, but this was the first time Kurt ever had a note come out of his gym locker.
Kurt bent down to pick up the note.
"He's desperate to talk to you, man," Kurt heard a voice say to him. He turned around to see no one at eye level, but then looked down to see Artie in his chair, parked next to Kurt's locker.
"Artie, what are you doing in here? Do you even take a gym class?" Kurt asked. He used to be scared of offending Artie, but he shortly realized that Artie didn't get offended easily.
"I lift weights while everyone else does regular gym activities. Have you never noticed that I change in this locker room with you every day?" Artie questioned. Kurt blushed.
"I try not to look around too much while I'm in here. Someone might get the wrong idea," Kurt responded. Artie nodded sympathetically.
"Anyway, Blaine told me what's going on. He told me everything," Artie explained, raising his eyebrows. Kurt nodded, showing he understood. "This morning I walked with him to math, and he was telling me how much he wants to talk to you. He even told me to make sure that you got that note," Artie said, pointing to the note in Kurt's hand. "He said it's pretty important."
Kurt stuffed the note in his bag without reading it. "Thanks, Artie," Kurt said. He picked up his gym clothes and walked to the bathroom inside the locker room, which was where he usually changed.
After gym, Kurt jogged to his locker quickly and then met Tina at Mercedes's locker. The three of them walked out to the busses together, and Tina said goodbye to them when they reached their bus. Kurt sat with Mercedes in a three-seater.
"Any word from the boy?" Mercedes asked, referring to Blaine. Kurt opened his back pack and took out the note. "Another one?!" Mercedes commented.
"This one was in my gym locker. And he sent Artie to make sure I received the note," Kurt said.
"Don't you think it's sweet, Kurt? Blaine misses you a lot, and he just wants to talk to you," she said.
"Of course I think it's sweet. No one has ever cared about me the way Blaine does, and I've never cared about anyone the way I do for him. We're meant for each other," Kurt stated.
"Then why aren't you together?" Mercedes questioned.
"He needs to figure himself out. He also needs to learn to not care about what anyone thinks, and to be proud of who he is. It was frustrating to be with him and to have him hide me away. It wasn't fair to me. I'm not putting myself through that again. When he can be proud to be with me, he can have me," Kurt explained. Mercedes nodded her head.
"Well, I guess you know what's best for you guys. Are you going to read that note?" she asked. Kurt shrugged his shoulders.
"I haven't read the past two notes. But, Artie said this was important. Should I?"
"It's up to you," Mercedes shrugged.
Kurt looked at the note the whole bus ride, but never made an attempt at reading it.
"Why are you angry with him?" Mercedes asked.
Kurt thought about his answer. "I'm not so angry with him, I'm really just annoyed. It's sweet that he wants my attention and that he sends me these notes, but he needs to realize that it's not necessary. We planned on taking a break from each other, and he's not following that plan. I just don't want to encourage him to continue writing the notes and texting me and everything. It's easier to just ignore him until he stops," Kurt explained.
"What if he's trying to tell you that he wants to get back together, and you just don't know because you're not reading the notes or texts?" Mercedes questioned.
"It doesn't matter. Until I can see that he's ready, I won't get back together with him," Kurt said.
He knew that he was being harsh. That was no secret. He was tired of Tina and Mercedes telling him that he's not helping Blaine by paying no attention to him. Kurt knew that he was helping Blaine in every way he could. Blaine needed time to collect himself, and Kurt needed to stand far away from him as he did so.
He and Mercedes remained silent for the rest of the bus ride home.
On his walk home, he tried to decide if he was going to read the note or not. He entered his house still unsure, and sat on the couch to think.
Artie said it was important, Kurt thought to himself. But if it were that important, Blaine would drive to my house and walk right inside and demand to talk to me. But, that's not happening.
Kurt walked up to his room and threw the note into his drawer. Maybe I'll read it later, he figured.
He took a short nap on his bed and then woke up to the smell of food. He jumped out of his bed and swiftly walked down the stairs. His first thought was that Blaine had walked into his house and started to cook in an attempt to surprise him. But, he figured Blaine wasn't that stupidly desperate. He walked into the kitchen to find his Dad making bacon.
"What's up, kiddo?" he said in a cheery voice.
"Hey, Dad," Kurt said back. He rolled his sleeves down so his arms were completely covered.
"Were you sleeping? You've been sleeping a lot lately. Is school wearing you out?" Burt asked. He was speaking loudly over the sound of sizzling bacon.
Kurt rubbed his eyes. "Um, yeah. Too much stress," Kurt half-lied.
Burt nodded his head. He knew it wasn't school that was tiring Kurt out. He could hear his son crying at night, and he knew it was because of Blaine. But, he didn't want to question Kurt about it because Kurt would only get angry.
Kurt sat down at the table and his father slapped some bacon in front of him.
"Have some," he said.
"Thanks, Dad," Kurt responded. He picked at the food but didn't eat any of it.
"How are your other friends that you've been telling me about? Mercedes and Tina? How are they?" Burt asked, trying to make conversation that wasn't about Blaine.
"They're tiring," Kurt answered simply.
"What makes you say that?"
"They always want to help me fix my problems, but they don't realize that I have everything under control," Kurt said vaguely.
Burt nodded. "Well, maybe you should invite them over on Friday. What's today, Wednesday? Yeah, so text them and ask them to come watch a movie or something. And tell them that you're only inviting them over to have fun, not for advice or comfort or whatever they've been trying to give you, yeah?" Burt suggested. Kurt looked at his father as if he had just said something very offensive. Burt raised his eyebrows, not knowing what he did wrong.
"Friday is my day with Blaine, Dad. I can't just hang out with other people. That would be, like, abandoning him," Kurt said.
"Oh, so Blaine's coming this Friday?" Burt asked happily.
"No," Kurt answered quickly.
Burt gave him a confused look. "Then, you're not ditching him if you don't even have plans with him, Kurt," he explained.
"Whether Blaine is here or not, it's our day. I'm not going to do that to him," Kurt snapped.
"I don't think he would mind, Kur-"
"Dad. I'll invite the girls over on Saturday if that will make you happy," Kurt compromised.
Burt pushed his lips together. "Do whatever you want, kiddo. Just, try not to get too stressed over little things," he answered, rising from his chair. "Do your homework. I'm going to go grocery shopping," he said.
Kurt threw out his leftovers and ran upstairs. His head ached, as it did almost every day since he and Blaine stopped talking.
He took pain-relievers and did his homework in peace. Once his head ache had diminished, he decided to call Tina, because he didn't know what to do about the "important" note that he had received via gym locker.
"Hello?" Tina spoke into the phone after only two rings. Kurt figured that she was the type of person to do her homework right after school and then do nothing for the rest of the afternoon.
"Hi," Kurt said shyly.
"What's up, Kurt?" Tina asked, trying to figure out the point of the call.
"Sorry. It's just that, I usually talk to Blaine when I'm upset or having a bad day, but I can't do that right now," Kurt explained.
"Do you want to talk about Blaine, or do you want me to get your mind off of him? I'm fine with either," Tina responded.
"I have this note," Kurt began. The opened the drawer that the note was in but didn't take the note out. "Blaine put it in my gym locker and told Artie to tell me that it was important. Do you think I should read it?" Kurt asked.
He could've sworn that Tina laughed into the phone. "Just read it, Kurt. What's the worst that could possibly happen?"
"What if it says something really sweet that will make me want to drive to his house and jump into his comfortable arms," Kurt said.
"What if it does?" Tina responded. Kurt was silent.
"Kurt?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you love Blaine?" Tina asked quietly.
Even through the phone, Tina knew she had made Kurt blush. She could almost feel the warmth of his cheeks through her cell phone.
"How do you know if you love someone, Tina?" Kurt replied after thinking about it.
"I don't know. From what I've learned from movies and books, loving someone means that you care about them more than you care about yourself. And that you would be happy just to see them happy, and you'd do anything to make sure they're safe and comfortable. And, stuff like that," Tina declared.
"If that's what love is, then, yes. I love Blaine," Kurt revealed quietly. He could hear Tina smile.
"I knew you did. Do you want to know how I knew? It's because I see you struggle every day to keep your distance from him, because you know that that's what he needs right now. You were right in class today. Blaine needs space, and you're giving it to him, even though it's clearly killing you inside," Tina determined.
"Do you want my advice, Kurt?" Tina asked after moments of silence.
"Yes, of course," Kurt replied.
"You're stressing over this too much. I know it's hard to be without Blaine for so long, and it's even harder because he keeps trying to get back with you. I'm sure he doesn't understand how much you're doing him good by staying away, though. And, more importantly, you're doing yourself good. You were in a very stressful, and very unfair relationship with him because you deserved more than hiding away in bathrooms and running out on dates. But, I promise that one day, very soon, you two will be okay again. It may take a week, it may take a month, it may even take a year. But, soon enough, you'll be walking down the hallways holding your boyfriend's hand proudly. Okay? Just try to focus on keeping yourself happy," Tina counseled.
Kurt felt a lot better and he was glad that he had decided to call Tina.
"Yeah, thanks Tina. That actually cheered me up a lot," Kurt admitted.
"Do yourself a favor and read that note, when you get a chance," she added.
"Maybe I will. I'm too tired to read it tonight, though. I'll save it for when I'm completely awake and happy. Basically when I'm not a mess," Kurt said.
"That's fine. Good night," Tina muttered.
"Night. Thanks, again," Kurt said back. She hung up the phone and Kurt plopped down onto his bed, feeling completely satisfied from that conversation.
I guess it pays off to have friends, he thought.
After a few minutes of just lying on his bed, Kurt had realized something very strange. He sat up and texted Tina.
"It just hit me that I haven't heard you stutter in, like, a month. How did you overcome that?" Kurt texted. He wasn't sure if her stutter was something she liked to talk about or not, but he was very curious.
She texted back nearly five minutes later. "This is embarrassing, but that stutter was fake. Joining glee club made me realize that I don't need to push people away with a fake stutter. Instead, I should try to let people in," she explained.
Kurt felt happy, like he had something to do with her newly-found confidence. "Good for you, Tina," he texted back.
Kurt fell asleep about an hour later, thinking about Blaine. He imagined a scenario in his head where Blaine stood up for him with the football players, telling them that he loves Kurt. He also imaged Blaine telling Artie how much he wanted to be with Kurt again, and how hard it was to be away from him. He imagined Blaine publicly breaking up with Rachel and admitting it was all an act.
The final scenario he played in his head turned into a dream as he slept. He thought of Blaine sitting with him at their secret lake, holding his hand and telling him how beautiful he looked with the sunset behind him. They would fall into a kiss. It would look like a beautiful setting, with a soft pink sky in the background, and the sunset reflecting onto the lake.
Kurt dreamt of this peacefulness with Blaine and felt completely renewed and happy.