Criminal Stupidity

The three Lawndale teens were sprawled out in what had become their standard TV viewing positions. Daria was bootless with her left leg taking up most of the couch and the right one on the floor looking far more relaxed than her parents would have believed possible without some of the herbs they grew in their hippy days.

Ranma was sitting on the floor slouched against the sofa leaning against Daria's right leg while Jane used his lap as a pillow.

It was amazing how doing months of hard time together (high school) and spending most of their free time together had changed the three.

Daria had found two friends who didn't require her to dumb herself down to fit in with them, instead they liked the fact that she was 'a brain' and listened to her opinions and debated them with her. She was actually seen to smile occasionally, but if confronted would deny it.

Jane had found two people who liked her art and even when they didn't get it they at least appreciated the effort she went through to create it and often helped. Painting Mr. DeMartino's car a soft, two toned blue-green had been labeled a success as he'd been a bit less hostile to the world. It was a shame they'd only been able to get ahold of water based paint that had washed off when it had rained a week later and returned to its standard eye gouging orange color.

Ranma had found two girls who didn't hit him or jump to strange conclusions. He wasn't sure why that was important, but simply accepted that it was. They had even taken a bit of interest in martial arts and once Ranma had studied enough of modern artists and philosophers to be able to insult them properly, they'd gotten quite good, for hobbyists. He figured if they kept practicing they'd be able to throw a ki-blast by their senior year. He was as far above his father as a teacher as he was a martial artist.

The most obvious change in the three's lives from the outside was that they appeared to be dating. It had all started innocently enough… well maybe not.

Lawndale had an indoor heated pool and between that, a French thong swimsuit that Kevin had sworn was required swimwear for first time swimmers and the term co-ed swim class…lets just say it had taken Daria and Jane several hours to calm down a twitching Ranma.

The next day wasn't quite as bad in terms of amount of groping and of skin exposed, but it was safe to say that Ranma was going to need serious therapy if this kept up, so Jane had come up with the wonderful idea of having them both pretend to be dating Ranma.

"Huh?"

"No way!"

"There is a method to my madness. Hear me out."

"Huh?"

"I'm listening."

"We don't have to actually date, all we have to do is give off the signals that we are dating."

"Signals?" Daria and a now caught up Ranma asked.

"Yes, signals. We don't confirm or deny anything all we do is give off signals that we're dating. You know, like Ranma smiles at us and we joke with him. He does small things like grabbing us sodas when he's getting one for himself and we all act a little territorial when someone of the opposite sex approaches one of us and if someone says something bad about one of us the other two rip on them."

Ranma scratched his head. "How's that different from how we normally act?"

Jane opened her mouth and then closed it again looking perplexed.

Daria raised an eyebrow and looked over at Ranma. "You cad. Dating us both and not even letting us know we were dating. And here I thought I was still single," she said in her usual sardonic manner.

"OK, then we simply go to the next step. Touching."

Ranma and Daria turned bright red.

Jane signed and pointed at them, the floor and behind her. "Brain, gutter, out! Not like that you ninnies. I mean the occasional hand holding and leaning against each other. Nothing too outré."

Ranma cocked his head to the side. "Outré?"

Daria glanced over. "She means nothing too far out there. Just hand holding and the occasional hug.

Jane nodded. "You think you can handle it?"

Ranma nodded. "I can handle it, that is if you don't mind?"

Daria blushed. "I don't have a problem with it."

Jane smiled. "Excellent, and that's one less problem we have to deal with."

"Does this mean I don't have to deal with Quinn hitting on me anymore?" he asked hopefully.

Daria growled for a second before realizing what she was doing and pretending she was just clearing her throat. "Just refer her to me. I have some photos of a certain sixth grade birthday party involving a younger sister who literally buried her face in birthday cake. I also have a coupon for three free poster size enlargements and twenty page size prints at the local Quicko Copies."

Ranma sighed in relief. "Thank god! Every time that girl or her friends get near me it feels like there's this void trying to suck me in."

Jane bit her lower lip to keep from saying anything as she noted Daria's raised eyebrow and remembered that one of the 'voids' trying to get 'filled' was Daria's sister. Quickly switching to something a little less insulting, Jane quipped, "Is it the same void you feel around the cheer leaders?"

"Nah, they don't suck nearly as hard."

"That's not what I heard," Daria muttered to her and Jane's shock.

Jane smirked and made a clawing gesture in Daria's direction. "Meow." A flash of yellow drew her attention to Ranma's face. "Do that again."

"Do what again?" Ranma asked confused about the recent conversation and deciding he didn't need to know what they were talking about as long as it lead to him not having to deal with certain grabby girls anymore.

Needless to say the three were soon declared off limits due to a combination of blackmail, threats and subtle cues.

"Next on Dragon Ball Z the destruction of Namek!"

Daria and Jane both noticed it was getting a bit late, even for a Friday.

"I say we watch the destruction of Namek and call it a night," Jane offered.

"Sounds good," Daria agreed.

"If you like," Ranma said sounding a bit off to the girls.

"Aww, we won't leave you alone that long, I promise we'll be here bright and early," Jane joked.

Ranma grinned figuring he'd gotten the joke. It was at least ten hours till the destruction of Namek, even with all the commercials cut out.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Time for bed dear," Helen gently pulled her husband up from the couch. "Do I have to?" Jake whined. "They're just about to reveal Darth Vader's true identity!"

"Dear, it's Anakin. It was Anakin last time and it's Anakin this time."

"It could be someone else!" Jake defended.

"Honey, it's always Anakin. I don't know why you get so caught up in it."

"It just seems a shame to break up such a promising couple with a transparent lie about Vader being their father and them being twins. I mean, they look nothing alike!"

Helen shook her head, trying not to grin as she tugged her husband off the couch. "If they were identical twins, Leia would be a boy."

"But shouldn't they at least look a little alike? And what kind of story is it when the hero doesn't get the girl?"

"Han Solo was a hero."

"Han Solo shot Greedo before he had a chance to draw! That's not very heroic!"

Helen shook her head and tried a different tact. "It's Friday night and I still have that Leia costume…"

"It just feels wrong dressing as Luke now."

"Even if I wear the chains?" Helen smirked.

"Redneck Jedi to the rescue!" Jake shouted and swept Helen up into his arms, dashing up the stairs with more speed and energy than should be possible for a man his age.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Are you okay?" Ranma asked, as he and Jane stared at Daria, who had just given a shudder they both could feel.

"It's like a million fanboys just cried out in perverted delight, before falling silent," Daria muttered rubbing the goosebumps on her arms.

Ranma and Jane each grabbed one of Daria's feet and began rubbing them.

"There, there, it's all over now. The perverted fanboys are gone," Jane promised.

Daria melted into the couch. "If I weren't so relaxed right now I might take offense at your tone, knave. Bring me a soda of the caffeinated variety and you shall be forgiven."

"At once my queen!" Jane jumped to her feet and gave a salute that was quite popular in Germany for a while before it fell out of fashion. Grabbing a couple of cans of McCola from the fridge Jane returned to find a blushing Daria and an unconscious Ranma. "What happened?"

"He was rubbing my feet and he passed out," Daria was looking anywhere but at Jane.

"How did rubbing your feet knock him out?"

"He looked up," Daria muttered just loud enough for Jane to hear.

"And?" Jane drawled out.

"And my skirt may have ridden up a bit," Daria checked to make sure her skirt was decent.

"You shameless hussy you. Using your feminine wiles to render the poor boy senseless," Jane smirked.

"You know foot rubs are my kryptonite. They're like three syllable words to Dan Quayle. I zoned out and when I shifted my feet so he could get a better grip on my heels it must have slipped," Daria protested.

Jane looked down at the unconscious martial artist. "Have we figured out why he ends up with a bloody nose when this happens?"

"I'd have to say no, but we can cross off your guess of misdirected blood flow."

"How so?"

Daria pointed to the cushion she'd covered Ranma's lap with.

Jane picked up the cushion and then placed it back on his lap. "Yowza! I'd hate to get hit by that."

"I wouldn't say it's a snake," Daria rolled her eyes.

"Not even a spitting cobra?" Jane grinned.

Daria smothered a giggle and cleared her throat, trying to keep from laughing.

"Why Miss Morgendorffer, did you just find a sexually suggestive comment amusing? How low of you."

"What do we do with him now? And no suggestive comments please," Daria added, clearly amused.

"I say we stick a cushion under his head and use him as a pillow while we wait for the destruction of the little green guys."

Daria looked down at his lap. "You could put an eye out."

Jane wiped an imaginary tear from her eye. "I've corrupted you. You made a sexually inappropriate joke. I'm so proud."

"Who's joking," Daria deadpanned, before both broke out in laughter and rearranged their sleeping pillow…er, friend.

Jane curled up on his left side and used the side of his chest as a pillow. "Ahh… perfect, and no eye patch needed."

Daria casually slid next to Ranma and mirrored Jane's position on his other side. "You're right, this is comfortable. We can now add pillow to Ranma's list of skills."

"He's like a great big teddy bear," Jane ran a hand down his belly, but Daria captured it before it could get anywhere interesting.

"I was just curious." Jane laced her fingers through Daria's.

"Well be curious when he's awake enough to consent."

"Spoilsport," Jane pouted, but squeezed Daria's hand to let her know she was joking.

"Half the fun is his reactions and he isn't awake enough to react right now," Daria pointed out.

Jane grinned. "Yeah, but the other half is yours."

Daria, being the ever mature and intellectual teen that she is, stuck her tongue out at her.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"We have to find them and find them no! I want complete profiles on this 'Beavis and Butthead' and anyone connected to them!" the agent ordered.

AN: I was planning on a crossover with 'Beavis and Butthead do America' in this one.

Typing by: the last primarch!