Chapter 14: Comfort

As soon as they arrived back at the lair, Raph was on his way to his room. He knew Leo would like to go through their last mission, their failed mission, the trap, going over every detail from what they had done well and what they could improve and so on. And why they had walked right into a trap and why their mission had failed, of course.

And while Raph could get himself to listen when he was in a good mood or at least not as angry as he usually was, he had absolutely no nerve for this tactical blah-blah now that he was hurt and felt useless and had failed and couldn't have helped his brothers one bit.

He had been a burden and he just couldn't get himself to Leo pointing that out now. He knew, he didn't need to hear it as well.

So he left for his room, and Leo let him, the angry frown on Raph's face sign enough for Leo to let him have his way.

As soon as Raph had closed the door behind him, he allowed himself to let out an angry growl, behind gritted teeth, though, so his brothers wouldn't pick it up, but still, he needed to let it out somehow.

It was one way to shout out angrily after someone else had failed, when he could blame Leo, or Donnie, or Mikey, but this one was on him, on him being useless.

The others knew, he was sure about that, but there was no use in drawing any more attention to that fact than already was there.

His arms were shaking slightly, the muscles trembling because he was holding on to the crutches too tightly. It wouldn't even surprise him if he heard them crack right now.

They didn't, of course, so he kept holding on too tightly, and nothing was releasing the tension.

He clenched his jaw until it hurt, but that as well didn't help with the tension, the anger.

He needed to get it out. He needed to hit something!

But what? He couldn't even stand straight without the crutches, and after how badly the encounter with the practice dummy and the office chair had turned out, he could only imagine what would happen if he tried to hit the practice dummy leaning on his crutches or balancing on his good foot.

No, this was no option, he realized as he pressed his jaw in an even thinner line, adding hurting temples to his hurting jaw by doing so.

He needed to do something and fast because otherwise it could be his teeth that cracked.

He glanced over to his bed. This wasn't much, he thought, setting his eyes on the pillows, but it was all he got.

He tossed his crutches away, not caring where they landed, and jumped over to his bed in two jumps on his good leg. The moment he landed on the mattress on his knees, he started hitting the pillows, again and again and again.

His fist hitting the soft pillows wasn't as satisfying as hitting the practice dummy or a real opponent would have been because they gave in and stole away all of the fierceness of his punches, but it was better than nothing.

And sooner than he had thought he was panting for air, and so he stopped and let himself fall back on his carapace, exhausted, tired, but still angry.

If he hadn't know before he would know now that he was in bad shape. A little pillow-hitting wouldn't have worn him out that much just two weeks ago.

Had it only been two weeks? It felt like an eternity.

But at least his exhaustion had gotten the best of him and dampened his anger.

There was a knock at the door, and Raph knew it could only be one person that would dare to see him right now, knowing the state he was in.

"Leave me alone, Leo!" he called out angrily.

Or maybe two persons, Raph corrected, as the door opened and it wasn't Leo who stepped in.

"I am sorry to disappoint you, my son," Splinter said. "It's only me."

"Sensei," Raph said, all the anger gone from his voice, and sat up.

"Do you have a minute?" Splinter asked.

Raph shrugged. "I don't seem to have anything better to do."

Splinter twisted his muzzle at this comment, which made Raph immediately drop his gaze guiltily.

He looked up again when his sensei came to a halt at the bed.

"May I sit down?" Splinter asked.

Raph replied with a nod, and Splinter had a seat next to him.

"Leonardo told me what happened," he began, and Raph couldn't help, but flinch slightly at these words.

There! Now sensei knew as well what a burden he was!

"Oh." Raph dropped his gaze again.

What would that mean for him? Was sensei here to tell him how disappointed he was, to punish him?

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Sorry?"

The surprised ring to Splinter's voice made Raph look at his sensei again, checking if he might have misheard, but Splinter seemed truly surprised, his eyes widened.

This, on the other hand, surprised Raph. What was going on here?

"Why are you sorry, my son?" Splinter asked further.

"Why I am sorry?" Raph repeated. Really, was it that hard to get? After all, Leo had told Splinter everything, so why didn't he understand?

"Yes, that's what I asked," the mutant rat said. "So do you mind answering my question?"

"Be…because I'm a burden, sensei," Raph pointed out the all too obvious. "I'm useless. I couldn't help the others when everything went down. I was just standing there, in their way, and I couldn't do anything. I…I…"

A gentle hand on his shoulder shushed him.

"Raphael," Splinter said gently. "You are not useless."

"But I couldn't help them!"

"No?" Splinter asked. "Who was watching over their mission tonight?"

"I was. But…"

"Who told them that the Kraang had arrived?" Splinter interrupted him.

"I did."

"Who would have gone out there and done anything to help them, no matter what?"

"I would. But sensei, it's…"

"It's a sign that you are not useless, Raphael."

"Then…then why are you here?" Raph asked, now totally confused.

"Why do you think I'm here?" Splinter answered his question with a question.

"To tell me that you are disappointed with me," Raph said. "To punish me."

Splinter's eyes widened again. "Why would I be disappointed with you, Raphael?" he asked. "Why would I punish the son who has done everything to help his team tonight?"

Raph couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Then why are you here, sensei?"

"To check on you," Splinter replied. "Your brothers said you were really angry and sad after what had happened."

So sensei was here because he had been worried? Well, that was better than what Raph had feared, of course.

"You did well, my son," Splinter said, giving Raph's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

Raph felt how the last of his anger faded. He wasn't useless, he was no burden, he had helped his team. A warm feeling spread through his body, and before long, he returned Splinter's smile.