Title: Creeping On A Stranger
Word Count: 9,535
Summary: Seblaine Week 2014: Day 1 (Alternative Meeting). Sebastian has always had a habit of getting in the way and making a nuisance of himself. Since his little sister had gotten sick when he was eleven, he has spent years trying to gain back the attention of his parents.
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy or anything else related to the FOX universe.
Warnings/Spoilers: Nothing more than usual.
Sebastian spends most of Sunday out of his room in an attempt to avoid Hunter and Wes. He's pretty sure his roommate is hovering more than usual but since he has no chance of getting drunk with two empty bottles in his position, there's hardly an imminent risk to his health. The gardens are greening, although it's still a little cold and he wishes he'd worn better socks and taken a warmer coat when he ventures outside. He eventually ends up huddled in a corner of the library until he's forced to return to his room. He keeps his eyes low and avoids saying anything to Hunter. For once, his roommate grants him the space he needs and doesn't press and pry too much.
His teachers inform the classes on Monday that their exams will be in a week. A combination of frustrated pleas and furious whispering breaks out as his classmates write down the 'essential content' they will be expected to know. He tries to keep up, tries to get it all down, but there are several things he's never heard of before and he realises he's probably going to fail anyway after he missed the first semester and never caught any of the work up. There was simply too much to do on a regular basis already, as well as too much to cope with in school and outside of it.
By the time he starts the return trip to his room on Monday afternoon, he realises he doesn't particularly care about the exams. He has bigger concerns – like where he's going to be staying during the summer holidays or how to prove to Hunter that he's fine – and if he's just going to screw up because he's missing content and the letters still swim across the page, then what's the point in fretting about them?
He notices that the dorm corridor is eerily quiet when he walks towards his door. He wonders if everyone has left school for some reason, or maybe there's another Warblers performance taking place that he hadn't known about which explains where the boarders are. It's not like it's a rowdy place ordinarily but the silence is weird. Looking around curiously, as if an answer will materialise beside him, he opens his door and steps inside.
Hunter is hunched over his desk, glasses on, blazer discarded over the bed, highlighter in one hand and pen in the other. He looks completely frazzled when his eyes rise to see Sebastian.
"Where have you been?" his roommate demands, circling something in his book with one hand and highlighting something else at almost the same time with the other. He had no idea Hunter was ambidextrous. He wonders if it's a skill brought on by Hunter's manic obsession in doing well all the time.
His first reaction is to lie, although it's not like he's been anywhere exciting and Dalton doesn't even have anywhere that would be convincing or fantastical enough to use for a lie. He could be truthful but there's no fun in that. He finally ends up pausing, his brow wrinkling as he closes the door. "Why does it matter?"
"Because you need to study," Hunter says, exasperation thick in his words as he caps his highlighter and rises from his seat. "I drew up a study plan for you so that you can get the most out of each day and ensure you are revising all relevant content as well as probably filling in some of the blanks you have from not being here last year and-"
Sebastian stares at Hunter, struggling to take in the rapid speech which makes him think of a machine gun firing words at his head. He blinks repeatedly, accepting the sheet of paper which is covered in multi-coloured squares that distinguish his classes and not comprehending anything Hunter says nor the plan. Part of him is thankful that someone else went to all the trouble of creating a study plan but…another part of him knows it was wasted effort.
"-and so I thought that we could start on American History first because it's pretty easy and then move on to Geometry and-"
"Hunter," he interrupts, placing his hand against his roommate's chest in an attempt to stop the barrage of words. Hunter's mouth continues to move for a moment although the words fade away. "Thank you for the schedule but-"
Hunter's eyes narrow, his arms folding over his chest. "You're not going to tell me you aren't going to study," Hunter says bluntly, the look on his face displaying his displeasure and disappointment with Sebastian's minimal regard for exams. "You can't just let yourself deliberately fail."
Sebastian wouldn't have considered what he was doing a deliberate fail. It just didn't seem relevant to try to study when doing well was a moot point and doing badly was a foregone conclusion. Besides, he had all those bigger problems, like an urge to drink alcohol and get high, or see that his sister was surviving okay with a new heart?
But caring about exams?
Forget it.
"I'm going to see James in the morning," he lies, thinking as quickly as he can on his feet. He hasn't had to do this since he was at home. It feels uncomfortable to be lying again but on the other hand, it's familiar. It's easy to lie. "It's not fair that I sit exams covering content I wasn't here for so I'm going to see if they can be modified or maybe I can get out of them."
Hunter snorts. "You're joking, right?" Rolling his eyes, he turns back to his desk and sinks into his chair. Sebastian tries not to feel insulted at how dismissive Hunter can be when only a few days ago, he'd been baring parts of his past and the most compassionate Sebastian had ever seen. "The rules only bend so far, Sebastian. You can't just snap them when you please."
The words slap into his skin, leaving him raw and bruised. The helpfulness in Hunter two days ago, the care he'd seen in the past couple of months, erases with the comments designed to wound him the deepest. All the progress he's made with his roommate evaporates and he's left with an urge to drink alcohol – which he no longer has because of his stupid roommate. It's an increasingly anger-ridden spiral that he doubts would end well.
Gritting his teeth, setting his jaw, he tears the hand-drawn schedule Hunter had created into tiny pieces. He ensures that the pieces are too small to stick together again and walks over to his roommate. Hunter is staring at him with wide, hurt eyes when he flings the confetti over his head. It flutters around his desk, falls on his hair and his clothes, settles on his open book and covers the carpet around his chair. Dozens of bits of white paper and multi-coloured paper from Hunter's highlighters litter the area around Hunter's space.
"Thanks for nothing," he sneers, turning on his heel and slamming the door as loudly as he can when he walks out.
If Hunter is so obsessed with studying, then Sebastian is more than willing to leave his roommate alone. It's not like Sebastian wanted to be there anyway.
Doing well is impossible.
The problem with fighting Hunter is that he's left with few places he wants to go to escape. He walks around the gardens for at least fifteen minutes in an attempt to burn off the furious frustration before he concedes that it's hopeless. He's still just as mad as he'd been when shredding something Hunter had obviously taken care to create, but after hearing Hunter's callous words he doesn't even feel guilty. Why should he care about Hunter's feelings when his roommate's words had been so carefully calculated to stab him in the heart? Didn't Hunter already know he was struggling enough? Hadn't Hunter inflicted enough hurt in the past months?
"Ah, Mister Smythe!"
He flinches before he can conceal it. His hands curl into fists by his sides. He continues staring at the tree and wondering if he's capable of burning a hole in it with his eyes. He's so angry that he's convinced it's possible for his gaze to become laser-like.
"I thought that was you. I was trying to figure out who was walking in circles around the gardens."
He grits his teeth together so harshly that he's pretty sure something cracks. Or maybe that's just the control he has over his temper fraying dangerously towards snapping completely.
"Mister Smythe?"
It's difficult to decide what to do. Running away from Dalton might just lead to a search party being sent after him. Stalking off might just get him followed. Turning around might set James on fire with the power of his glare. Saying anything might just reveal how hard he's struggling to contain his fury.
"Sebastian?"
A hand touches his shoulder and he shrinks away from it, walking a few steps before he spins on his heel and flexes his fingers. He wants to hit something. He almost wishes Hunter was tied up and on his knees in front of him so that his nose was completely accessible to Sebastian's fist.
"Stop pretending to care," he spits, glowering at the stupid principal who has his glasses perched on top of his head. As always, Dean Wilson James manages to look unnervingly calm.
"Why would you think I'm pretending?" James asks, drifting towards a rose bush that has pink and white blooms held aloft sturdy stems. His fingers caress the petals of one of the larger flowers.
"No one really cares." His irritation is increasing to the point that pummelling the principal sounds like a good idea. "You all just want to get inside my head and turn me into some golden boy and I'm not going to- I'll never be what they want because there'll always be her and that's just- No one cares."
James barely moves as Sebastian's outburst starts to unravel his seams. "So because you're the oldest, you should be more adored?"
His nose wrinkles at the thought of being adored. It sounds like a term someone would use to describe a mother with a newborn baby. "I already know I'll never be good enough for them so there's no point trying anymore," he mutters, turning away from the principal to stare at the tree again. The rage that had bubbled to the tips of his fingers seems to have dissipated, replaced by an icy wash of hurt and loneliness that leaves him feeling sick.
"What do you need to try to be?" James says, his footsteps approaching Sebastian but offering a wide berth as he moves around him to sit on the bench beneath the tree Sebastian that soaks up the tumultuous feelings within him the longer he stares at it.
He can feel James watching him and he lowers his head. His eyes prickle traitorously, his breathing hitching. "I'm not what they want," he mumbles.
"Ah, Sebastian…" James sighs, patting a spot beside him on the bench. When Sebastian peeks up, the principal wears an amused half-smile. "I won't eat you. Take a seat."
His chest hurts as he gives in and sinks to the uncomfortable stone bench. He wraps his arms around his stomach in a futile attempt to hold himself together when he's little more than a body full of broken pieces covered in skin.
"Sometimes, adults make mistakes," James muses. Sebastian looks out of the corner of his eye towards the principal and notes the slightly unfocused gaze directed at the expanse of green grass and multi-coloured flowers. "Sometimes, adults are too proud to admit it. Unfortunately, all that ends up doing is getting more people hurt."
Sebastian frowns as he looks from the principal to the flowers and hedges and trees surrounding them. He wonders what James is looking at. He wonders what James is thinking about. He wonders what James is talking about.
"And, sometimes, people favour one person at the expense of another's feelings," James continues with a distance in his voice that suggests he might be lost somewhere in a memory. "Just because some people make mistakes, just because some people don't demonstrate their care for you in ways that you desire, doesn't mean no one cares about you."
Sebastian ducks his head and swallows the sore lump in his throat. He knows all of this, instinctively, but it doesn't erase the ache that seems ever-present in his daily life. Having calmed down, he can accept Blaine cares even though he's not sure why. Perhaps his concern isn't that no one cares about him but rather that he's not sure there's anything about him worth caring about. He's just a piece of nothing, an unnecessary user of oxygen and food which someone else might need.
"If I've learned anything during my years, it's that it is a difficult thing to explain to someone why you care about them when they're used to being passed over," James says with a careful shrug, his head turning towards Sebastian. "You still care for their health and wellbeing. You still wish for every happiness and hope in the world."
James has spun as many tangled webs around him with vague sentences embedded with hidden messages as Therese in the hospital. He wonders if all intelligent adults are like that, determined to confuse teenagers as much as possible and he can't help wondering why. Is it really so difficult to just offer clear, concise advice that was easy to follow? He's increasingly uncertain he'll ever find his way out of the riddle maze constructed by Therese and James. Maybe he doesn't want to.
"But Sebastian," James places a light hand on Sebastian's knee and draws him back to the present, "just because one person doesn't want you doesn't mean others will never want you. Just because you don't see a point right now doesn't mean there isn't one."
Sebastian lowers his eyes, forced to think about Lillian and Blaine. He hasn't seen Lillian since the day of her surgery and he hasn't heard from her. He wants to call and hear her voice but he also doesn't want to call in case he wakes her up when she should be resting and gathering all her strength into finally getting better.
And Blaine… He's scared that he's getting into a mess with Blaine that he can't escape from. Blaine means so much to him and…and maybe Therese was right: maybe Blaine is something he can lose and it's terrifying him. If he lost Blaine, he'd have almost nothing bright left in his life. Now that he's had a pocketful of sunshine for the past few months, he doesn't want to lose it because he's a careless asshole.
Which, if he's being honest, tends to be his normal reaction to things too good to be true.
"I asked you the day you arrived whether you were angry at your sister or jealous of her, do you remember?" James says, removing his hand and staring out across the gardens again with a look of deep concentration. It's a facial expression Sebastian could envisage James wearing while he meditates.
Sebastian forces a slow, deep breath. He could never be angry or jealous of Lillian. She's suffered enough. "I love Lillian," he whispers, closing his eyes as he recalls how small and pale she'd looked after the operation. Some nights, he makes wishes on eyelashes that he'll suffer a traumatic brain injury which keeps him living and his personality recovered but all his memories of Lillian looking frail and sickly were erased, unable to be accessed ever again.
"But her illness has caused problems with the relationship you have with your parents, no?"
Sebastian opens his mouth to defend Lillian before pausing. There's an element of truth in the principal's words he's not sure he wants to admit to. Hadn't Sebastian exploded with anger over much the same thing earlier? Then again, he can admit that there are problems between his parents and him but aren't some of those issues his own making? He can't blame Lillian for everything. He won't.
"Lillian's illness doesn't mean I'm not their son too," he replies. It feels like an echo of Therese's words but to say it out loud… His heart twists with pain at the words. He doesn't like acknowledging how thoroughly his parents have diluted his position in their lives.
"Indeed." James hums a brief couple of bars of a tune Sebastian doesn't recognise, probably something ridiculously old, before he turns to face Sebastian. "So then why are you still trying to be good enough for them?"
James' question is so unexpected that he has to stop and think about the answer. He hates being disarmed so easily, to a level of stunned realisation where he's forced to re-evaluate everything. He thought knew where the conversation was going but now he's not sure of the answer to James' question. It's painfully logical and rational, sharpening the blurry pain on the edges of his vision into startling focus.
"Maybe if I can be good enough then…then they'll…want me again," he says, his voice weakening with the confession of one of his deepest desires. He squeezes his eyes together when he can feel them burn at the inner corners, forcing a deep breath in and out of his lungs to steady himself again.
Rather than dismiss his thoughts and feelings, James tils his head to the side with an expression of consideration. "Understandable," the principal concedes with a nod. Sebastian can feel eyes scanning his face, perhaps trying to see beneath the armour Sebastian is wearing in a desperate attempt to hold himself together. "Is there something wrong with being good enough for yourself?"
He blinks, and then frowns. "I don't understand?"
"Well, take for instance your grades," James says with a vague wave of his hand. "If you get As, then your parents might be proud and shower you with praise. They may offer smiles of happiness, then return to doting on Lillian. They may not even care enough to read your report card." James keeps his tone neutral and matter-of-fact. Sebastian wonders if that's why each possibility the principal offers him seems to pierce deeper into his heart. "So I ask you, what about your feelings? What if you can be happy with Bs? What if you show yourself how capable and intelligent you are under such extreme personal distress? What if you see yourself as someone worthy of the friendship offered by others? What if you accept that you're not going to be given up on by other people?"
It takes several minutes for Sebastian to process the words, to see beyond the pain carved into his bones by the portrayal of his parents' disinterest, and realise that James is trying to make him like himself. The principal doesn't need to know about all the dangerous things Sebastian does to realise how broken he is inside. He knows from Lillian that healing is as much about the physical recovery as the mental, the emotional. He's seen his sister get knocked down countless times, and every time he's been awed by her ability to remain positive and keep going. He doesn't know how he's meant to achieve James' words but…he knows it's something he should aim to do. He doesn't want to doubt Blaine's friendship forever. He doesn't want to question Hunter's motives every time. He doesn't want to fear that losing Lillian will mean the loss of the only person he truly trusts.
"I could also use the example of your health," James says and Sebastian tries not to stiffen at the words that skirt too close to Lillian. "What if you heal and recover and find your own version of happiness? What if you find a new lease on life and graduate college, get married, start a family?"
Sebastian can't imagine settling down with anyone – he hasn't even kissed anyone – but he also understands James' suggestion: if he continues on his current route of abusing alcohol and marijuana then he might not see the future. He could destroy his body before he's even begun living. And while sometimes Sebastian can only see darkness and has no interest in what might happen in the next decade, Lillian having a new heart changes everything. How is he meant to destroy himself when he has the opportunity to spend time with her? How could he inflict the pain on her of watching him fall apart? He knows how badly he's coped the past four years being the older brother. He doesn't want his little sister to have any of that burden because he's too foolish to accept help and get better.
"Even if there is significant strain on the relationship between you and your parents, I imagine your sister still loves you as much as you love her," James continues, his tone gentle as he folds one leg over the other, his hands resting atop his knees. "I'm sure Lillian isn't the only person that wants what is best for you."
Yesterday, Sebastian would have known Lillian loved him. He could almost believe Blaine cared about him, and might have begrudgingly conceded to Hunter and Therese. Maybe he could even consider Wes among the very small circle of people.
Now, it feels like things have shifted. The friendship he has with his roommate is probably in as many pieces as the study plan Hunter had created for him. Without Hunter, he doesn't have Wes either. His circle has reduced substantially because of his own stupidity, his own carelessness, his own irrationality and fear.
"Dalton's doors will remain open for you in the summer, Sebastian," James says, his hand patting Sebastian's shoulder. "I want what's best for you too. If returning home isn't it, then you should know you will be safe here."
Sebastian wonders if the principal touching him is appropriate. It doesn't feel creepy or paedophilic but it's…unusual, he supposes, given his crappy experiences in public schools. The principals there tended to sigh a lot and complain he was too young to be wrecking his life. With James, the contact feels vaguely parental. Instead of the disappointed sights, James seems to be trying to impart some sort of wisdom that Sebastian is too young, too naïve, to fully understand.
When it feels as though James is preparing to depart and leave him with his thoughts, the fears that have doggedly pursued him since first period snap at his heels to be acknowledged again. "But what happens if…if I fail my exams next week?"
James offers a knowing, somewhat mysterious, smile. "We don't set our students up for failure, Sebastian."
The principal's words clash with what Hunter has told him about how the school operates. His heart flutters and he bites at his lip, staring down at his hands twisting together in his lap. "But…I'd have to repeat, wouldn't I? Or I'd get expelled?"
"The newbies still get told that?" James laughs, a low rumbling from deep within his chest. His mirth almost makes Sebastian uncomfortable. "I'll admit we can't allow students to progress through grades if they aren't learning requisite content, but we also don't allow our students to suffer because we're aware they are struggling with other issues." James pauses, looking Sebastian over. "A reader and writer can be arranged so you can complete your exams to the best possible standard. I've already requested your exams be modified so only content from this semester is included. It is pointless to disadvantage you with content you weren't present for to be something you are now graded on."
Sebastian gapes at the principal. He had no idea someone would have already recognised a problem and taken steps to fix it. He'd lied to Hunter about planning to see James tomorrow but evidently James was more intelligent, more aware, than Sebastian had let himself acknowledge. He feels guilty that he'd expected to be screwed over by a failed system once again.
"You might not receive the grades you want, Sebastian." James pats his knee before he stands and returns to the rose bush. "You might not even receive the grades which you think would be 'good enough' for your parents, but I'm well aware that school could be considered your lowest priority and I wouldn't blame you for feeling that way."
Sebastian watches the principal remove a pair of scissors from the inside of his jacket. His eyes widen when James snips the head off one of the pink and white flowers. He wonders what the punishment would be if a student was caught cutting the flowers.
"I don't set my students up for failure, Sebastian," James repeats, poking the rose stem through a button hole on his jacket. "If you are in need of assistance, my door is always open. Please remember that."
As James walks away, Sebastian is left to ponder whether the words are an obtuse reference to the emotions he'd had rampaging through him earlier, or if they're about the crisis he'd had over admitting to his sexuality, or if it's to do with his inability to function after his sister's surgery or, hell, maybe James knows more than he's let on about Sebastian's drug habits. There are so many possibilities which run through his head, so many thoughts about what he might assistance with, that he's forced to realise how screwed up he's become.
He starts to think he may need some serious help.
If he doesn't, he might never find his way out of the tangled mess he'd created for himself.
He sits alone at dinner.
It's the first time he's eaten alone since Lillian's surgery.
It's a devastating sign of the depth of his mistakes because he lacks Hunter's company. He hadn't realised just how much he'd grown used to it until he no longer has it. He pokes at the food with disinterest before he concedes he's just not hungry and abandons his plate. He casts his eyes around for Hunter, intending to apologise on the spot, until he realises Hunter isn't seat at the long table which the Warblers take up.
Increasingly insecure, he searches for a corridor that isn't likely to get frequented by anyone and pulls out his phone. He stares at Therese's number for a while, wondering if he should call her, except he knows that hers isn't the voice he needs to hear right now.
The connection clicks and he slips to the floor, folding his knees to his chest with his back against the wall.
"Hey."
"Hi," he whispers, lowering his head to his folded knees and imagining the colour of Blaine's eyes to keep him calm.
"How are you?"
"I…" He nips at each of his lips, wondering how to answer. James' words weigh on his mind and the guilt of Hunter missing dinner weighs upon his shoulders. "Have you ever wanted to…to be good enough for someone but…you just can't?"
He can hear the smile in Blaine's words when he responds and Sebastian spends some time recalling the curve of Blaine's lips when he was amused by something. "Yeah, I know that feeling. I'm gay, which is hardly what my parents want. I tried to make up for it, I worked myself half to death trying to do better, but the fact remains that I'm gay and I can't seem to get rid of that smear against me at the moment."
Sebastian nods slowly and realises that the separation he feels from his parents isn't necessarily isolated to him. He's not the only teenager that feels this way. Blaine clearly has problems with his parents too. It's…comforting, even if he's left with the urge to yell at Blaine's parents until they realise what an amazing son they have.
"And have you ever wanted to just…give up so you can prove they're right, that you aren't good enough?" Sebastian says, his words laboured by all the conflicted thoughts in his head. A long pause follows, one broken only by Blaine's quiet, steady breathing over the phone which tells him nothing about what the other boy is thinking.
"What do you mean by 'give up'?" Blaine says eventually and Sebastian recognises the implications behind the words he'd spoken which hadn't been his intention at all.
"I didn't mean that I'd… You know," he says awkwardly, waving his hand in the air even though Blaine can't see it. "Just… Exams are next week and… I mean, I'm probably not going to do well anyway so I… I'm not sure why I should bother studying."
"Thank God," Blaine breathes. Sebastian tries to smile at Blaine's relieved tone but the attempt at a smile wobbles with the internal crisis ravaging him again. "If you don't want to study, then you don't have study. What that means, though, is it's going to be viewed as proof by your brain that you can't do something and Seb? I know you could do anything you put your mind to."
His exhale shudders out of him as Blaine speaks his words with such confidence. Sebastian struggles to believe it. His automatic reaction is to dismiss and disagree with them but he keeps silent because he thinks it ties into what James was saying. He lacks conviction in himself, he lacks the belief and hope that everyone around him has. He's not sure when, or if, he'll ever feel the same but maybe he's not a monster either.
"You need to do what's right for you right now, Sebastian. Not what anyone else tells you to do," Blaine continues and Sebastian can almost imagine his fingers twisting through Sebastian's hair. The phantom hands against his skin are comforting and helps soothe some of the anxiety in his stomach. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Continuing to pretend he's curled against Blaine's body, he explains the stress of the exams and his spat with Hunter and the conversation with James. Blaine occasionally responds with questions to elicit more information but mostly he just listens and it reminds Sebastian about why he's so grateful he has the other boy as his friend. There's minimal judgement in any of the words Blaine speaks and it comforts him to know that he's not hated because of his ability to screw up all the time. He's pretty sure his parents would be filled with judgment and dislike at his actions. Blaine remains positive and nurturing.
"You know you have to apologise to Hunter, right?" Blaine says when he comes to the end of his pathetic tale of epic failure.
He sighs, knowing he has to, knowing he will, but knowing that accepting ownership of his mistakes means accepting he made it in the first place. And usually he'd just prefer to hide it all away. "Yeah, I know. I'm so dumb."
"Seb…" He can hear Blaine's concern through the phone, the longing to hold Sebastian close and help calm him down. "We just want what's best for you. We want you to heal and be happy. Lillian would, and I do, and I'm sure Hunter does too even though he's got a weird way of showing it."
Sebastian knows Blaine is right. Blaine is calm and logical, decisive with his words and quick to discern the problems that plague Sebastian's mind. Some of the illusion of Blaine's chest beneath his cheek begins to break because he needs to apologise to Hunter, needs to get his act together for his exams, and needs to figure out what he's doing over summer break.
"Thank you for being my friend," he says and manages a small smile when Blaine chuckles.
"Thank you for being mine."
He opens his eyes and straightens out his knees. His thighs have cramped with how long he's been crushed into a ball and he takes a few moments to register Blaine's silence. It's unusual and it stops him, his curiosity ratcheting several notches higher.
"Are you okay?" he says when Blaine seems to lack being forthcoming about whatever's on his mind. The feeling that something is wrong is so loud it's nearly deafening.
Blaine hums in his ear, which doesn't sound convincing. Sebastian struggles to his feet once the cramp has faded rolls his neck to work out some of the kinks across his shoulders. "They want to get me out of here in a couple of weeks," Blaine admits, his voice quiet.
"Really?" He casts his eyes around the corridors for a familiar picture or sculpture to begin the path back to his room. It takes a few moments before he sees something he knows and begins walking. "Blaine, that's amazing! I'm so proud of you!"
"Yeah…" Blaine doesn't sound as certain, as proud of himself, as Sebastian would have expected. It stops him in his tracks, his brow crinkling together.
"What's wrong?"
"It's just…daunting to be going home," Blaine admits, his voice fading away to such an extent that Sebastian has to increase the volume on his phone to try to hear him. "I don't know what my plans are going to be for summer. I don't know what school I'll be going to in the Fall. I don't like uncertainty. I like making lists. I like having plans. I like clarity."
Sebastian begins walking again, mulling over Blaine's growing list of worries. It's nothing Sebastian hasn't already been thinking about but it's now affecting Blaine's happiness and wellbeing, and Sebastian doesn't want the other boy to lose his brightness and enthusiasm. "Do you know if you're parents are planning anything?"
"No," Blaine says with a sigh and Sebastian wishes he was there to wrap his arms around Blaine's body and protect him. "To be honest, I don't even know if I'm going to high school or if I have to repeat."
He remembers James' words from earlier, that Dalton students aren't set up for failure, that his exams will be modified, and he repeats a variation of them now in the hopes that it will reduce some of Blaine's uncertainty: "There are always options. I'm sure some slack would get cut after what you've been through."
He enters the dormitory wing and slows down. He knows he'll have to get off the phone soon. There are too many people around who could hear him.
"Yeah, maybe."
Sebastian wants to be able to reach through the phone and squeeze Blaine into a hug, taking away the sadness with his presence the way Blaine is able to do with his words. He doesn't like feeling useless, incapable of offering help to someone he cares about so much.
"You need to take care of yourself too, B," he says, leaning against a wall halfway down the corridor to his room and tipping his head back. "Besides, I plan on spending loads of time with you in the holidays so if you're discharged, that makes things so much easier."
"Wait… You do?"
He wonders why Blaine sounds so surprised. He glances sidelong at the phone with a faint frown creasing his eyebrows. "Of course I do."
"Oh…" Blaine's little exclamation is so breathy, so squeaky, that he suspects Blaine is blushing. He's not sure why and he's not sure why it amuses him so much but a small smile crawls across his lips at the image of Blaine with red cheeks and lowered eyes and a shy smile. "Well… Um… You go apologise to Hunter and I- I'll talk to you soon, yeah?"
He wants to say something about how adorable Blaine sounds but all he ends up saying is a lame, "Of course. Rest well."
Blaine echoes the words and the call ends. He strokes his thumb over the dark screen and pretends it's the dark curls that spiral over Blaine's head. He hopes Blaine's parents will let them see each other during the summer. He hopes wherever he ends up will allow him to see Blaine.
He pockets his phone and turns his attention to approaching his room. Every step feels like he's trudging through molasses as his trepidation rises, until he's standing outside his door like some sort of freak that won't knock and won't move. He tries to remind himself that it's his room too. He shouldn't feel so anxious.
The door is unlocked so he steps inside. He can hear the hiss of the shower pipes and accepts the momentary reprieve from having to face Hunter.
He takes the opportunity to remove his school uniform and swap into sweatpants and a t-shirt. He usually has a shower at night to rid himself of the grit and stench of a day surrounded by pretentious private school boys but he just wants to crawl into bed and hide for now. He draws the covers to his chin and stares at the ceiling, thinking about how the summer.
Ideally, he wants to return home so he can be with Lillian and shield her from any nightmares she might have. He wants to burn pancakes for her but put them on a tray anyway so she can eat breakfast. He wants to make pillow forts with her and hear her giggles as she confesses silly secrets to him. He wants to sit in the park on a blanket and feel the sun on his face and disagree about the shapes in the clouds. He wants to read her stories and-
The door to the bathroom opens abruptly and he reaches up a hasty hand to wipe away the tears that have trickled down his cheeks.
He tracks Hunter's movements and notices his roommate's studious avoidance of looking at him. It's similar to the last time they'd had a major argument and he thinks there's an irony somewhere. He just hopes there's no sex this time to make everything even more complicated.
"I'm sorry," he calls softly, his teeth skimming his lip. He watches Hunter's shoulders and neck stiffen as he fiddles with something on his desk.
"I'm sorry too," Hunter says, closing a couple of books and straightening his pencil case. The obsession with neatness has returned and Sebastian wonders if he triggered some sort of regression in Hunter's habits. "My words were hurtful."
He raises himself in the bed, folding his legs and fidgeting with the edge of the blanket. He hadn't expected Hunter to apologise. Even in all his conversation with Blaine, the possibility of Hunter apologising hadn't really come up. It makes him realise how much he hates them being so awkward and uncomfortable around each other.
"My exams are going to be modified but I… I should probably still study," he says, peeking up at Hunter because he's an extending an olive branch here and if his roommate burns it, he's not sure that they'll-
But Hunter turns, a faint smile on his face as he sits on the edge of his own bed. Sebastian can feel himself relaxing because it's normal and maybe all has been forgiven that easily.
"It's not a stupid idea to study," Hunter says, smoothing his hand across his blanket to get rid of a few wrinkles. "The exams just before Christmas were awful enough. I can't even imagine what they'll throw at us this time."
Sebastian scrunches his nose in distaste. He's hated exams for years but the Monday quizzes have been tough. He doesn't need anything worse than that.
"Look, I… I don't want to cause so many problems that you run out of here when summer break starts, desperately searching for a drink, but…I do care about your wellbeing, Seb," Hunter says, his eyes lowered to where his feet kick at the mattress on the side of his bed. It's the most nervous Hunter has ever looked and it does nothing to erase Sebastian's feelings. "If you'd rather I just butt out then-"
"I can't spend the rest of term not talking to anyone," he interrupts, his blood cool in his veins at the thought of being so isolated. "You saw what my parents were like. You know Blaine is difficult to see. Lillian is- Lillian. And I- I don't have anyone else here that I-"
He can't quite say that he trusts Hunter because some days, he's not sure that he does, but he needs Hunter to still talk to him. Even if his roommate upsets him or enrages him, he knows that lacking anyone to talk to will drive him to despair and he'll end up on a very fast descent into a very dark place that would become very dangerous once the summer holidays rolled around.
"I'm still your roommate, Sebastian," Hunter says, hopping off his bed and crossing to Sebastian's. "I'll still be here. You don't get to kick me out until the start of sophomore year."
Sebastian smiles weakly, unwilling to consider he has to go through a phase of getting to know someone else, of someone else finding out about all his hellish problems. Maybe it's just easier to keep Hunter close next year.
He shifts over on the bed when Hunter stands expectantly beside it, allowing his roommate to settle next to him. Their arms brush together and the contact offers some comfort to Sebastian that they'll be okay living together again.
"Did you call Blaine?"
He raises an eyebrow at Hunter, unsure of why that would even be something his roommate would ask.
"You always call Blaine when you need help," Hunter shrugs, elbowing him in the side playfully when Sebastian can't deny it. "Have you kissed yet?"
His jaw drops and he's left to gape at the other boy. "Have we- What?"
"Oh please." Hunter rolls his eyes and lies down on top of the blanket, apparently getting comfortable despite Sebastian having no intention of keeping his roommate in his bed for the night. He'll literally kick him out if he has to. "You're more touchy-feely than Micah and his girlfriend and they get so drunk at Warbler parties that we have to peel them apart to avoid them having sex on a couch in front of everyone."
Sebastian cringes at the crude mental image and thwacks Hunter in the stomach. "Blaine's my friend," he defends, folding his arms over his chest.
"So you're fine with holding my hand, letting me touch your knee, putting your head in my lap so I can pet your hair?" Hunter retorts. Sebastian mouth presses into a thin line when he realises his roommate has a point. He lets Lillian cuddle him because they're siblings but there's no way he'd let anyone else do that. Especially not a guy.
But Blaine is, apparently, an exception.
"I don't- We're not- He's- We're just friends."
"Riiight," Hunter says, the elongation of the vowel making his disbelief abundantly clear. "He's cute though. I can see why you like him."
Sebastian refuses to acknowledge that his cheeks might turn a little pink and his glare at Hunter's smug face turns a little green with jealousy that someone else has noticed. He also won't acknowledge how possessive he feels about his friendship with Blaine remaining his without Hunter jabbing at them.
"You're not gay. Now go back to your bed and leave me alone to be mad with you," he grunts, kicking his ankle into Hunter's calf. His roommate bubbles with laughter, flipping him off as he slides from the bed and returns to his side of the room.
"Try not to think of his lips around your dick in your dreams," Hunter sing-songs as he shuts off the light and crawls under the covers of his bed.
Sebastian spends at least a minute gaping in the dark at the faint outline of his roommate's body, unable to think about anything else.
Like they've done so many times before, he finds a routine with Hunter where they study in their room. Books are spread out across their floor and the two of them seem to move between the floor, desk chair and bed depending on which muscle gets most uncomfortable at their previous position. They take turns reading out important points – and Hunter still teases him for his stilted and slow reading which he'd like to think has improved – and sometimes he jots down notes. Hunter takes more meticulous notes but his roommate has always been eccentric and excessive.
On Friday, he meets the person that will be his scribe for the exams. Tim is a junior, on the soccer team, and stands at least half a foot taller than Sebastian and several inches wider. They chat briefly to allow Sebastian the opportunity to gauge whether he trusts this guy to honestly and accurately read and write his exams for him. With his dark brown hair and bright blue eyes, he seems a strange mix of exuberant teen and wise man.
"Tim had an older brother," Hunter confides later that night when Sebastian tells him about meeting the older boy and the odd feeling he'd had during their encounter. "He was killed in a car accident a few years ago which left Tim with two sisters. I think he's mentored a couple of freshman this year as some sort of 'pay it forward' memorial thing to his older bro."
Sebastian could imagine Lillian doing the same thing if he ever died because she's so warm and loving, except his death would be from his own stupidity – most likely from drinking and smoking too much or getting into a car while drunk and high.
On Saturday, Hunter goes into some sort of ultra-focused study mode thing which almost borders on scaring Sebastian. Sure, he wants to try to pass but Hunter seems to fall into some sort of study trance thing which is downright weird. He ends up backing away to go to lunch and doesn't return until later that evening after spending several hours listening to music in the sun outside. It had been nice to unwind and feel the heat on his face, although it hadn't been as good as having Lillian beside him to argue over the shapes made by the clouds.
On Sunday, his phone rings with an unfamiliar number and the loud vibrating of his desk scares both of them from their study mode. Hunter huffs a complaint at the device skittering across the wood and he mutters a half-assed apology as he scoops up the phone.
"Hello?" he says, highlighting a point that Hunter was certain was vitally important even though he was pretty sure Hunter had consumed every word in every textbook they had and could recite it verbatim if asked.
"Sebby?"
The name catches him so off-guard that drops the highlighter. It leaves a bright pink splotch in the middle of the notes he'd hoped to keep neat for studying throughout the week but none of that matters right now.
"Lils?" he says, his voice cracking even though he tries to hide it.
The nickname must catch Hunter's attention because he can see his roommate freezing from the corner of his eye. His fingers tremble as he caps the highlighter because he doesn't want to get pink all over his sheets.
"Hi," his sister breathes, sounding delighted, and tears spring to his eyes because God, he's missed her. He discards his notes and folds his knees towards his chest.
"Hey, kiddo." He tries to inhale deeply but something gets lodged between his lungs that makes it hurt. He wants the conversation to be completely normal but he's fractions of a millisecond away from dissolving into tears that he's not sure he'd be able to stop. "This is a surprise."
"I've spent days begging Therese for a phone. She's been so fussy and annoying," Lillian grumbles and he smiles as twin streams of dampness streak down his cheeks. "How are you, dummy?"
He chokes on a wet laugh and she gives a soft giggle that only makes his urge to cry increase. "I miss you every day," he confesses, wiping at his face as discretely as possible. He knows Hunter is definitely staring at him and he feels horribly self-conscious, but he doesn't want Hunter to leave the room either.
"Not as much as I miss you. Imagine when I woke up from this super big surgery and all I saw was Charlie's dumb face." He can imagine his sister's outraged pout at the words and manages another wet laugh. "I wanted you."
He turns his head to the side so he can sniff away from the speaker of the phone. He doesn't want to betray that he's crying to Lillian if he can avoid it but hearing her voice is completely overwhelming. It's the last thing he'd expected. He thought she'd still be totally out of it and recovering. He had no idea when she woke up but it's such a relief that he's struggling with the shock.
His bed dips as Hunter sits beside him. A large hand settles between his shoulder blades for support and it helps him breathe.
"Charlie saved your life," he points out but Lillian grunts in disagreement and he's filled with such warmth, such fondness, for his sister. He'd forgotten this stubborn side of her when her health had been better.
"Charlie's not my brother, dummy," Lillian says. "You were meant to stroke my hair and kiss my cheek and say you were glad I was awake and I was meant to roll my eyes and tell you that you were too pretty to cry and I didn't want your snot on me."
His attempt at laughing breaks in the middle, unable to contain the emotions that seem to be spilling to each nook and cranny of his body. Hunter presses closer and Sebastian ends up tucked beneath his roommate's armpit, leaning into the embrace because he might just go to pieces after this phone call.
"Don't cry, Sebby," Lillian whispers when he doesn't try to hide the sniffles and unsteady breathing that have taken over him. "I hate the thought of you crying and I'm not there."
"It's only because I'm so happy," Sebastian whispers back, pressing a hand to his chest like he can stop it aching. He wants her in his arms, her little face pressed into his neck like when she was five and came running into his room after a bad dream. He wants to cradle her against him and breathe in the scent of her vanilla soap and strawberry shampoo. "I love you so much, Lils."
"I love you more," Lillian retorts before adding, "and I have a bigger heart that functions properly now so that's totally possible, you know."
The spark in his sister, which had been absent for at least a year, has returned in full force. It's almost enough for Sebastian to reconsider his uncertainty about returning home for the summer. If Lillian is there, then he wants to be there too. If his parents hate him, then… Well, it's not like Lillian didn't already know and hated their parents for it.
"How are you, poppet?"
She explains, carefully and steadily, that she woke a little over a week ago and hadn't fully understood what was going on after so many months in and out of consciousness. Much like him, she'd pretty much given up on ever receiving a transplant a couple of years ago. Both of them had lain awake one night holding each other when she'd asked him how he'd cope when the surgery wasn't successful.
When, not if.
They'd lost hope so many years ago that now it seems hard to imagine everything is going to be okay.
Lillian talks about getting to eat lots of ice cream because she can. She tells him about all the sleeping she's doing because she still gets tired easily while her body adjusts. She mentions that their parents visit a lot but sometimes she pretends to get sleepy just so they'll leave her alone. She says Therese had stopped by a few times and Lillian had been asking about Sebastian. He wonders if he should reach out to Therese so he can get more regular updates – or contact – with his sister, but once he makes that call, once Therese has his number, he expects the nurse to be calling and checking on him more frequently than he's comfortable with right now.
"I wanted to hear your voice so badly though," Lillian concludes and by the time she's done, Sebastian has given up trying to keep control of himself. He's been crying silently into Hunter's arms throughout most of her speech. He almost thinks he's going to need a new heart too with how badly his chest aches. Listening to his sister reminds him of how distant he's been – largely because of their parents – and he misses her terribly. "So anyway, there any boys you like yet?"
"Lillian," he chides but she giggles and it brings a smile to his face. "I told you that I wasn't going to discuss that."
"But Seb," Lillian whines, just like she would when she was younger and wanted extra ice cream or to shove her Brussel sprouts onto Sebastian's plate, "if I have a boyfriend I want to know everything about boys and now you can tell me because you'll have first-hand knowledge of what it's like to be one and kiss one."
"Oh my God," he mutters under his breath, covering his face with his hand as his cheeks burn red. He can't tell what's more mortifying – the fact that his sister imagines having a boyfriend and he's going to have to defend his little sister's honour, or the fact that she wants to know what it'd be like kissing a boy because he will be.
Maybe.
Eventually.
….Hopefully.
"And I want to know what they smell like and what they like to eat and see at the movies and-"
"You could just ask me those things," he says and Lillian huffs. He can imagine the cross look on her face as her pale eyebrows draw together in disbelief that he's so stupid.
"You're my brother. I already know all of those things. I need to know things about boys that are boyfriend boy things."
He honestly has no idea what the difference is but he guesses it must make sense in her mind and the silliness of the conversation has slowed the tears and brought a smile back to his face again.
"Thank you for calling," he says, inhaling deeply without pain for the first time since he'd answered the phone.
"Thank you for answering," Lillian chirps and he rubs another hand across his cheeks to get rid of the mess of tears. "I'll try to call again soon. Do you know what you're doing for the summer holidays?"
Sebastian isn't entirely certain how long his sister has been awake and alert enough to put all the pieces together but she seems pretty aware of everything going on around her, including all the complicated parts of his life that he hasn't figured out yet. He wonders if someone has told her everything or she's just a tiny perceptive genius.
"No."
"Well, Therese told me that you were welcome at her place and that I could come over whenever I wanted to spend time with her daughters and you. So I mean, if you don't want to be stuck at that fancy private school or caged in by our villainous parents, then I vote that option."
One of his major uncertainties is the imposition that it would place on Therese to stay with her. Just because she's offered doesn't make him believe he's truly wanted there because who wants to have another teenager with drug problems stay with them? Wouldn't he be an awful influence on Therese's little girls, just like his parents thought he would be on Lillian?
"Thank you for the suggestion," he says, knowing another part of his indecisiveness is what will maximise his time with Lillian and Blaine without placing them in harm's way. "I'll take your thoughts under consideration."
"Your formality sounds like something dad would say," Lillian mutters and Sebastian feels guilty and unhappy at the comparison but knowing that yes, his father did speak like a man capable of boring people to tears. "Just… Choose whatever will make you happiest and keep you safest, Sebby. You should also know that every opportunity I get is going to be spent with you so you should be totally prepared for that."
He smiles and sits himself up again, shrugging off Hunter's arm. His shock at Lillian calling has faded, replaced with such immense relief that he feels like he could float high enough to live among the clouds.
"I love you, Sebby."
His heart expands with happiness and warmth at her words. "I love you too, Lils," he replies.
Hunter smooths a hand down his back as they exchange more tales about entirely random things and Sebastian knows he has to see Lillian as much as possible in the summer holidays. The question he can't answer is where that will be.
~TBC~