Sucker Punch
"It wasn't your fault, you know."
"I overstepped. I came down here to say that I'm sorry. And that I'm through. I can't shadow you anymore. If it wasn't for me..."
"If it wasn't for you, I would've never found my mom's killer. And someday soon, I'm gonna find the sons of bitches who had Coonan kill her. And I'd like you around when I do. And if you tell anyone what I'm about to say, there's gonna be another shooting, but...I've gotten used to you pulling my pigtails. I have a hard job, Castle, and having you around makes it a little more fun."
"Your secret's safe with me."
-Kate Beckett and Rick Castle "Sucker Punch".
She stands there frozen. Life has sucker-punched her once again, knocking the air out of her lungs.
She can't do anything but stare at Castle's limp, bloody body trapped at the back of the cab in complete and utter disbelief.
Her mouth opens and closes, without being able to speak or even to breathe.
She wants to scream.
She wants to run.
She wants to get him out of there and get him back, because he cannot leave her.
He cannot leave her now. He cannot leave her.
He promised he would always be there!
But she can't do anything but stare.
Huddled behind her, Ryan, Esposito and Lanie can only watch as Beckett's life comes crashing down right before their eyes.
Captain Victoria Gates – who was supervising the scene – finds Beckett and sighs. She knew any attempt to try to stop the brunette from getting into the scene would've been futile, though she would've liked to break the news in better circumstances – as better as they can be as you tell someone the most important person in their life has been killed.
She walks over to the detective, who's still paralyzed in front of the scene, and puts a comforting hand on the younger woman's shoulder. She then turns her around gently.
Beckett doesn't resist as she's moved to look away from the chaos.
The reality of what's happening slowly sinks in as Kate stares past her friends, her vision unfocused. Tears start welling in her eyes; her limbs start to give in beneath her and her stomach starts turning.
Suddenly she runs to the nearest trashcan, where she violently empties her stomach.
Lanie rushes towards her friend quickly, and she tries her best to comfort her, but Beckett can't stop. She can't stop the violent sobs and she can't stop the dry heaving that's ripping through her body.
They stay like that for God knows how long until finally it stops. Then suddenly Kate's world turns sideways and melts into multicolored blobs before everything goes black.
Lanie drops to her knees with worry etched in her face, beside Beckett who's unconscious on the ground. Ryan and Esposito are quick to get to them.
The ME makes checks the detective's vitals before telling the guys to call some of the paramedics that are at the scene to get her into an ambulance. Taking into account the shock that Kate just experienced, Lanie considers it safer to take her to a hospital, just to make sure everything's alright.
As Kate is put on a stretcher, under the concerned watch of her friends, she slowly regains consciousness.
She struggles to remember everything that's going on. "What-" she's about to ask what happened, when everything rushes back to her. The blood, the pain in her gut that's starting to make itself known again… It's all coming back to her.
That's when her mind shuts off, leaving her feeling numb. She's vaguely aware of the fact that they load her into an ambulance and Lanie's holding her hand.
The ME stares at her friend's tear-streaked face and can see that she's there but she's not there. Her thoughts are taking her elsewhere, and considering what's going on, it's okay. At least for now.
At some point, Beckett notices the fact that she's no longer in the ambulance; she's now in the hospital being hooked to tubes and machines, and Lanie's not by her side anymore. A young guy in blue scrubs and a lab-coat is trying to get her attention.
"Ma'am? I'm Dr. Parker, can you tell me your name?" he asks her, not only to know what to call her, but also to asses her mental status. When she doesn't even acknowledge his presence in front of her, he asks again. "Ma'am?"
"Kate" she answers, her voice low and raspy. "Kate Beckett" she says, without looking at the young doctor.
He asks her other trivialities, like what day of the week it is, and determines that her mental status is unaltered, though she's deeply upset by something. He steps out of the room to talk to Lanie in order to find out what happened and he comes back with a chart in hand to continue his questioning.
Parker asks Beckett about allergies and for family history. She answers everything matter-of-factly, with no emotion whatsoever. That is until he asks his next question.
"Is there any chance that you're pregnant?"
That's the first time she actually looks at him in the eye, and what he sees is not the cold impenetrable façade he saw in her just seconds ago. What he finds in those troubled bloodshot and puffy hazel eyes, is a deep seeded fear.
"Yes" she nods slightly. "I think I might be" she adds as an afterthought. Home pregnancy tests are not that reliable.
He nods, and looks at her sympathetically before he leaves the room. His patient's best friend told him what had happened to Kate's husband, and he understands that this is a terrible time for her.
Lanie rushes back into the room as soon as Parker gets out. She finds the detective once again staring past everything in front of her.
The ME takes a seat by the bed and holds Beckett's hand, trying to reassure her.
A nurse comes in and takes a sample of Kate's blood. She then hands her a small plastic cup and asks if she could give them a sample. The detective nods and heads towards the bathroom. She's quickly back on the bed.
Lanie and Kate seat quietly each lost in their own thoughts for several minutes.
"Why?" Beckett's low, broken voice pierces the silence.
Lanie looks over at her looking confused, but it quickly dawns on her and her heart breaks when she realizes what she's talking about. If only she had an answer to that… "I wish I knew, Kate. I wish I knew"
Beckett feels like she's 19 years old again, wondering why the universe is so cruel, wondering why her mother had to die… Only this time's worse. Nobody should go through something like this in their lives.
And she's gone though it twice.
Is this some kind of sick twisted joke the Universe is pulling on her? She just got over her mother's murder – after over a decade of heartache – and now this? How is that even fair?
This is exactly why after the death of her mother she vowed to never depend on anybody ever again.
Castle managed to get into the walls she had built around herself, and now he's gone.
He won't be there to cheer her up when she feels like she's drowning in paperwork.
He won't be there to spin crazy theories when they've hit a wall in their investigations…
He won't be there to love her… He won't be there for her anymore.
He's gone and she's here, alone.
Not all alone, she reminds herself as she absentmindedly takes her hand to her stomach. That's when she breaks down crying once again, this time, quietly.
He won't be there to see their child grow up.
Lanie stands up and sits beside her friend on the bed, holding her close.
Beckett hangs on to the ME like if her life depended on it until she almost cries herself to sleep. That is until she jolts awake. "Have you called Alexis? Martha?" she asks the ME almost desperately. God, they're going to be so crushed! And Alexis…Beckett can't help but feel terribly for Alexis. She knows how it feels to lose a parent.
Lanie nods with the same sad, hopeless expression she's worn since they brought Beckett into the hospital. "Do you want me to tell them to come here?"
"No" Kate shakes her head. They've got enough on their plates already. "Call my dad"
"Do you want me to tell him what happened?"
"Not over the phone. You can tell him once he's here" she won't be able to do it, so she's grateful that Lanie offered to.
The ME nods and just as she gets down from the bed, Dr. Parker comes into the room. "Could I talk to Detective Beckett?" he says to Lanie, who nods and leaves. "Kate," he starts as he reads from the chart. "You are indeed pregnant" he gives her a small smile and pauses to let it sink in.
She just nods, incapable of registering any emotion. She just has way too much going on to understand it completely.
"And everything else looks alright. The loss of consciousness was most likely caused by a drop in your blood pressure, but that's completely normal" he reassures her.
She nods again in acknowledgment.
A while later Jim Beckett rushes into her room. He stops at the door and stares at his daughter sympathetically. She looks completely drained, and doesn't even realize he's there.
He silently heads over to his daughter's beside, and when she feels him beside her she turns to look at him. "Hey" Jim says quietly.
"Hey"
"I'm sorry"
She shakes her head and lowers her gaze. It's not his fault. It's nobody's fault.
He puts his hand on his daughter's back and leans closer to kiss her softly on the forehead. "It gets better" he whispers. He knows how it feels to lose someone you love. It's going to be a living hell for a while, but she's strong. She'll get through it. It will get better.
"Does it really get better?" she looks up at him. "Or do you just bury it deeper?"
He tilts his head to the side. I wish I knew, Katie. I wish I knew.
Beckett is kept in the hospital for the rest of the night to be released in the morning.
Esposito, Ryan, Lanie and even Gates are at there before she leaves. The detective notices they're still wearing the same clothes they were wearing the day before. They've probably been working on the case all night.
"So?" she asks them, not really knowing if to wish for an accident or a hit.
The thing is that if it was an accident, it would be over quickly… But there would be nobody to blame.
On the other hand, if it was a hit, she would most certainly go down the rabbit hole once again, but it would also give her a goal: Catch the sons of bitches that did it. Maybe that would give her the closure she'll crave desperately once his absence haunts her every second.
Because she knows it will.
"Forensics is still on it, but it's looking more and more like an accident" Ryan says softly.
She nods. An accident has ripped him from her. It doesn't seem fair.
But then again, nothing really does right now.
"Where are we going?" Jim asks his daughter.
They're in a cab and he's not sure where she'd like to go, and when he asks her, she realizes she doesn't know either.
She could go to her place, but she's got barely anything there. The only reason she's kept her apartment this long is for when her and Castle want some time away from the overcrowded loft. And going to her father's is not really an option. She doesn't want to bother him.
She ends up giving the address for Castle's place. The ride there is silent, both father and daughter lost in their own thoughts.
Once at the building, Jim takes his daughter up, and decides to stay in order to offer his condolences to Martha and Alexis.
Beckett knocks instead of using her key. Being there seems like a bad idea now. She doesn't feel like she has the right to be there anymore.
As soon as Martha sees who's at the other side of the door, she opens it and throws herself into the detective's arms. Kate hugs back, but is incapable of saying anything. What can she say?
Once the women break apart, Jim walks towards the redhead. "I'm so sorry, Martha"
Martha's eyes are puffy and they can guess she's been crying. She shakes her head and gives Jim a quick hug.
Beckett takes a few steps inside and scans the loft. "Where's Alexis?"
"She hasn't been out of her room since we came back"
Kate nods in understanding. It's going to be really tough for young woman for a while.
Martha offers Jim to come in and have some coffee, but he refuses.
"Will you be alright?" he asks his daughter.
"Yeah" she lies. She's not alright. She might never be alright again.
AN: I know these are completely horrible circumstances, but it's only going to get worse before it gets better, so I hope you'll bear with me.