Same Mistake
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
-James Blunt, "Same Mistake"
When Jim is bidding his goodbyes, Kate scurries toward the master bedroom, not wanting to be alone with Martha, but she freezes as soon as she gets to the threshold of the office. Memories of him writing at his desk – or more often than not, distracting himself from writing – flood her mind.
He'll never get to write there anymore.
There'll be no more Nikki Heat.
She walks through the office in a trance-like state until she reaches the bedroom.
She stares blankly at the bed that will, from now on, be way too big and lonely.
This was such a terrible idea.
She has to get the hell away from there.
She doesn't have the right to be there. She doesn't belong there anymore.
Kate finds a suitcase and frenetically starts throwing her clothes in. It's messy but it's quick. The faster she can get out of there the better.
Before she can make a run for it, she hears someone shuffling in the kitchen.
Right. She had forgotten she wasn't alone.
The last thing she wants is for Martha or Alexis to tell her to stay, so she sits on the bed and sighs. She'll wait until it's clear.
Once Kate's alone the first floor, she drags the suitcase to the door and pauses. She takes out her keychain and removes the loft's key from it. She stares at it for a while, until finally placing it on the kitchen counter, where she knows they'll find it.
She goes back to the door and after a second's hesitation, she destroys all Castle built in her – or rather, she rebuilds what Castle broke down in her – by going back to her old ways and closing the door.
The void left in her by the loss of her husband is only made deeper as she walks away from the loft.
As she walks away from her family.
Outside of the building, she hails a cab and asks the driver to take her home.
Though frankly, she's not sure where that is anymore.
The room Kate steps into is light, contrasting the aura that surrounds her. But it's also lonely and slowly getting cold as the November chill seeps inside. That, though, she can relate to.
She's snapped out of her thoughts by the ringing of her phone. It must be Martha.
When the caller ID confirms her suspicions, she puts the cell on silent mode and leaves it on the kitchen table, right by the stove.
She drops the suitcase in her room and decides to take a shower.
As soon as she stands in front of the tub and drops the last item of clothing to the floor, she's frozen again. And she stays that way for a while.
If she steps into the shower all evidence of his body on hers will forever be gone. Castle's arms wrapped around her, his lips on hers, their bodies fitting together oh, so perfectly… Gone.
Just like him.
A feeling of dread and loneliness takes hold of her body – not for the first time in the past 12 hours – and the hollow pain deep within her reappears. She takes a few deep, shaky breaths before finally stepping into the tub.
Her rational voice – one that at the moment is barely a whisper in the back corner of her mind – is telling her that the memories of him won't be ripped away from her by the warm water… But with rationality thrown at the window, she breaks-down as soon as the spray hits her bare skin.
Sobbing almost hysterically, she ends up sitting on the floor. Soon, it becomes too much and it turns into a full-blown panic attack.
In an attempt to gather herself and to be able to get air into her lungs, she presses her knees to her chin, until the waterworks become nothing more than quiet whimpers.
He's gone. She's lost him forever, is a mantra that keeps circling her mind in the same haunting rhythm as the water falling on her shaking body.
She's gotten so used to having him around. How is she supposed to let go of all of that and move on?
Once Beckett finally makes it out of the shower, she changes into her pajamas and goes straight to her bed, feeling completely drained.
As soon as she lies down, she's reminded of the fact that she hasn't eaten all day by the rumbling of her stomach and a headache that's starting to make itself known, so she gets up again and walks to the kitchen.
When she opens the double door fridge, she's aware of a buzzing sound that's coming from behind her. She closes the doors and turns around to find her phone vibrating on the table. When it stops, she walks towards it and is hardly surprised to see all the missed calls.
Several are from Martha, a couple from her father, Lanie and the boys, and even some from Alexis. She sighs and puts the phone down again. She's pretty sure it won't be long until at least one of them is at her doorstep.
Kate rummages through the fridge and cupboards and manages to find enough stuff to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
She places the snack and a glass of water on the table, where she sits down to eat alone. She's going to have to get used to that feeling again.
For a woman who took pride in her independence, she sure is finding the empty apartment haunting.
As soon as she's done, she hears two knocks on the door, which she decides to ignore. The she hears them again, but they're more insistent this time.
"Kate! I know you're in there!"
Beckett sighs when she recognizes Lanie's hollering voice and grudgingly makes her way to it. She might as well answer. She knows that the ME could be capable of taking the door down if it meant getting to talk to her.
When Kate looks at her friend's face, she sees how frustration quickly gives way to sympathy. And that's exactly what she wanted to avoid. She doesn't need anybody's pity.
"What do you want, Lanie?" she spits out, with more hostility than necessary.
"What are you doing, Kate?" she shoots back, taking in her friend's defiant stare.
Kate's eyes are dark and deeply hollowed, and there are lines of fatigue in her face that the ME had never seen before, confirming what she already knew. This is taking a tremendous toll on her, and it's only bound to get worse.
Lanie brushes past Kate into the living room. She shouldn't be doing this alone. She just can't.
Beckett rolls her eyes and closes the door, not in the mood for fighting. She slowly turns around and waits for whatever Lanie wants to say. The faster the ME gets it out of her chest, the sooner she can go back to her own lonely grieving.
The silence hangs between them for a while, until Lanie finally speaks softly.
"Why are you doing this, Kate?" she pauses. "The running, the hiding… I thought you were done with all of this when Castle came along" everybody saw how much he changed her, and now they're all worried that his loss will cause irreparable damage.
Kate gasps at the sound of his name, and she feels the tears start to well in her eyes, but she fights them. She's already broken-down enough for one day.
"Hurting the people who love you – your family… Leaving us behind?"
Now she can hear the hurt in Lanie's words. "I'm not…"
"Yes! Yes you are! You just walked out on your family!" she walks closer to Kate. She hates to see what her words are doing to her friend, but she has to tell her what she's doing. She has to make sure that she doesn't do something she'll regret. "Your dad, Martha, Alexis, the boys… We've all been worried sick about you"
They all know she's going to need time, but they had hoped that she would at least stay close. That she wouldn't run away. They only want to help.
Kate stares blankly at the ME, trying not to show how much this is rattling her.
Lanie closes the rest of the distance between them and puts her hands on Beckett's shoulders, staring deeply into the troubled hazel eyes. "We already lost Castle. We don't want to lose you too"
This makes something inside of Kate break, but before she becomes a mess of sobs again, she steps away from the ME and walks past her into the living room, not looking back at her.
"I just need…" she starts, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "Some time alone"
Lanie nods in defeat. That's as good as she'll get. "If you need anything, and I mean anything… There are a lot of people who care about you, Kate. Don't turn your back on us"
All Beckett manages is to nod, still not looking back.
As soon as she hears the door close, Kate takes a few deep breaths, but isn't able to keep the tears at bay anymore.
She barely manages to make it to her bed before losing it again.
Castle blinks as he slowly becomes aware of his surroundings and looks at the bright red digits of the alarm clock, that tell him that it's late, very late. And yet, someone's knocking on his door.
He pushes the covers aside and sits up. His feet hit the floor and he stands up before making his way towards the noise that disrupted his sleep. He looks through the peephole and quickly opens the door.
Kate finds herself at Castle's doorstep, freezing and her face tear-streaked. She looks up at him and already she feels warmer than she did when she got there.
He's wearing shorts, a black t-shirt and his hair is sticking out in odd points. He looks groggy. "Kate," he's suddenly wide awake when realizes she doesn't look right. "What's wrong?" he ushers her into the apartment.
"I'm- I don't know" she admits. "I'm cold, Castle. I'm cold" she looks at him pleadingly.
He's not sure of what's going on. She looks so small, so broken… And he does the only thing he can do. "Let's get you warm, then" he takes her hand and guides her to the bedroom.
She lies down and he drapes her with his body before pulling the covers up so that they're both shielded from the chill. He can feel her shivering slightly in his arms. "This is your home, Kate. You belong here. Remember that" he whispers in her ear.
She nods. The feeling of his heart beating makes a wave of unconditional love wash through her, making her believe that everything is going to be alright
Once she has been able to stop shaking and her breathing comes back to normal, he puts his hand over her belly. As if he knew the proof of their love was growing inside of her at this very moment.
"Thank you" she says quietly.
"Always"
For a moment, she feels pure happiness. Covered by her husband's arms and huddled in his warmth… It feels so right…
In a flash, Kate is back at her apartment. The covers are up to her chin and she's covered in sweat.
She turns to lie on her back and as soon as she pushes the covers down, the chill hits her warm body. And she remembers.
It was a dream… It was all a dream. But what a dream it was.
She can still feel the ghosts of his arms around her, and how safe she felt. Safer than she's felt since he left… Which even though it was just a little over 24 hours ago – it's felt like forever.
His words are also ringing in her head. 'This is your home, Kate. You belong here. Remember that.'
Is this him – or her own subconscious – trying to stop her from making the mistake of losing herself by leaving everybody behind?
Whatever it was, she's still not ready to face the rest of the world.
Whatever it was, she needs to deal with it herself before dealing with everybody else.
And she plans on taking her time.