Goodbye's The Saddest Word
"Babe, this is your letter, and I hope you never have to read this... that I can tell you all of these things in person, but if something happens and I don't make it, I need you to know that our partnership, our relationship is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You're an amazing man, and I love you with all of my heart. Always."
-Kate Beckett "In The Belly Of The Beast"
"You know, he was going to see you. If you would've been here none of this would've happened"
"Alexis! That's enough!" Martha intervenes, but it's too late. The cold, harsh truth is already making Kate's heart race in her chest as realization falls on her like a ton of bricks.
It's all her fault. Why hadn't she seen it sooner?
Now she knows the only person responsible for all of this. Now she has someone to blame: Herself.
It's her fault if they're in this situation.
He was on the way to her apartment.
If she hadn't been so stubborn, if she hadn't been so fucking selfish maybe they wouldn't be in this mess.
It's all her fault, and she deserves everything his family has to throw at her.
Kate has to grip the chair when she starts swaying. By the time Martha reaches her, Alexis has already stormed back upstairs.
"Katherine" Martha stands in front of her, trying to get her attention. "It's not your fault" she says firmly when she finally meets her eyes.
"It is! He was going to see me, he-"
"No, Katherine"
Kate struggles to hold her mother-in-law's piercing gaze.
"It's the fault of that drunk driver. It's his fault. But he's dead. I know you're looking for someone to hold responsible. We all are. But for better or for worse… We have only destiny to blame"
The brunette drops her gaze to the floor and when she snaps out of the It's my fault trance, she looks back up where she finds something else to feel guilty about. She can see the pain that's eating away at the older woman's soul, but who's also trying to keep everybody together all while trying not to break down.
"I- I have to go" she says stepping away from Martha and making her way to the door. Martha's already dealing with her own grief… She doesn't need to deal with hers too.
The redhead huffs in frustration. How can she not get it? "Katherine, this is your home. We care about you. We're all grieving. Might as well do it together"
Kate looks back, staring at her for a while before she nods. If that's what she wants, she might as well stay. "Okay"
Martha nods and her daughter-in-law is actually surprised to see some light and relief in the blue eyes. A lump forms in her throat and she finally feels safe enough to let go.
"Oh, Martha" Kate makes her way to the other woman and takes her into her arms. "I'm so sorry" the embrace is strong and clingy, but it's exactly what both women need.
"Parents should not have to bury their children. That's just not right" she says between sobs, and Kate can't do anything but hold her tight.
They stay like that for God knows how long until they finally break apart.
Then the brunette calls the lawyer and Gina, who'll be there in a little over an hour.
As they wait, Martha busies herself by going upstairs to talk to Alexis and Kate goes into the office.
She's once again hit by images of him and of them in that space. His space.
As she walks slowly to his desk, she hugs the coat – which she didn't bother taking off – closer to her frame. She then runs her hand over the leather chair thoughtfully. When she sits on it she feels like she's somehow betraying his memory. This was his sacred place. It just feels wrong to be snooping around here.
She absentmindedly runs her hands over the desk and sinks deeper into the chair, grasping for whatever is left of him on the leather.
At the end she just grabs one of the Nikki Heat books from the bookcase and curls up with it on the couch in the living room, not yet ready to face the empty bedroom again.
Her reading is interrupted a while later by a knock on the door.
By now, Martha is back downstairs, so she's the one to get it. An older looking man in a power suit holding a briefcase stands in the doorway wearing a look of sympathy. "Good afternoon Mrs. Rodgers"
"Hello, Frank" she lets him in.
"Good afternoon Mrs. Castle"
Kate, who is now standing by the kitchen table, nods in acknowledgement.
As he sets up his things on the table, Martha calls Alexis downstairs and Gina arrives.
They all sit around the table facing the lawyer.
Alexis sits the farthest away from him, not really caring for this thing and shooting daggers at everyone.
They shouldn't be doing this. This whole thing shouldn't be happening. Why is this happening?
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be there watching over her every move and being irrationally over protective whenever she meets a new guy.
He was supposed to see her become someone important. He was supposed to walk her down the aisle. He was supposed to… He was supposed to do a lot of things.
But now he's gone. And the only way she's found to cope is to trying to find someone to hold responsible for her father's death, but it's not working. Nothing does.
She just wants this pain to end. And she can't seem to find a way to make all this at least a little less painful and it's driving her crazy.
She's just mad. Mad at herself, mad at the world…
Why did this happen to them?! They're nice people for crying out loud! Why do these things happen to nice people?
And why the hell is Gina doing there anyway?
Martha and Beckett just look worn out and mildly interested. On the other hand the publicist seems to be coping with all this just fine.
"Alright" the lawyer begins, laying some folders on the table.
That's when Kate stops listening, getting lost in her own thoughts. Whatever he could've left for her is nothing compared to what she lost.
They're actually doing this. This is only another remainder of the fact that they'll never see him again and that's making the constant pain in their gut only get worse.
Actually, none of them is really listening to Frank, except for Gina who's asking questions and taking notes.
The lawyer makes quick work of it all and after everything is sorted out, he offers his condolences and bids his goodbyes before leaving. The publicist doesn't stick around much longer and leaves just after Frank.
Martha sighs and retires to her bedroom, leaving Kate sitting at the table and Alexis fixing herself something to eat.
The silence between the two is heavy and uncomfortable so after some thought, the brunette decides to make a move. She gets up, and as she's about to make her way to the redhead, the room begins to spin and she suddenly breaks out in cold sweat, trying to fight the dizziness, but it becomes too much and when she feels the color drain from her face, she says weakly, "Alexis"
Alexis looks up and is immediately alarmed about how bad she looks. She runs towards her just in time to hold her up. All the anger towards everybody she was determined to feel suddenly a distant memory.
"Something's wrong" Kate manages to say before slipping into unconsciousness in the girl's arms.
"Grams! Grams!" the young woman struggles with Kate's weight, but is determined to not let her fall.
Martha, concerned by her granddaughter's fearful tone, makes her way downstairs as fast as possible and is struck by the scene she finds by the kitchen table. She's quick to get to them and helps Alexis keep Kate up, before slowly taking her to lie on the couch.
Martha kneels by Kate's side and Alexis leans on the back of the couch, anxious and worried expressions on their faces.
"Katherine? Katherine?" the older woman tries to get some response from her daughter-in-law, but nothing happens. "What happened?" she looks up at Alexis.
"I- I don't know. She stood up from the table and next thing I know she's as white as a ghost and I- I'm keeping her up"
That's when Kate slowly opens her eyes.
"Katherine!" Martha explains, visibly relieved.
"Wha- What happened?" Beckett is confused. Everything in her mind is a blur.
"You fainted" Alexis explains simply.
"Go get her some water, dear" Martha instructs her granddaughter, who's quick to do as she's told.
Kate slowly sits up, regaining her bearings. "Whoa" she closes her eyes, her balance still off.
"Easy, easy" Martha sits by her side. "What's wrong, darling?"
"Nothing" Beckett shakes her head, accepting the glass Alexis is handing her. "Thanks" she says taking the glass to her lips.
"Are you sure?" the older woman pushes, throwing her a look.
"Yeah" Kate nods reassuringly. She's not ready to say anything else. But she definitely should go to her doctor. She needs to take care of herself.
Beckett's energy has completely left her body despite of the fact that it's not later than 6 pm, so she heads over to the bedroom, where she takes her shoes and coat off before slipping into the covers.
Fire. His car is on fire.
The sun is shining in the clear sky overhead, but the last thing on her mind is glancing at the scenery. She's just running. Running towards the fire as quick as her wedding dress is letting her go.
They're about to get married and now his car is on fire.
The street seems to stretch endlessly in front of her and frustration and exhaustion are making it hard for her to breathe. The more she runs, the farther away from the flaming car she seems to be. Her limbs have started to protest and oxygen is barely getting into her lungs, but she has to get there. She has to save him.
They have to get their happy ending. She can't give up.
"Castle!" she screams between breaths with the vain hope that he'll spring up from somewhere unscathed. "Castle!" she yells again, finally approaching the inferno.
Suddenly, she feels herself drifting back away from the chaos, but she fights the pull with all her might.
She has to save him. She has to bring him back. She has to…
"Katherine. Katherine" a frightened Martha is shaking Beckett awake.
About an hour after the brunette retired to her room she started screaming, so Martha came running in to find her tossing on the bed.
Kate's eyes suddenly open. Her breathing is quick, and she's covered in sweat.
"It's alright" Martha tries to calm her down. She sits on the bed and puts her hand on the other woman's back. "It was just a nightmare"
As Beckett's breathing gets back to normal, the redhead is taken back to when she used to wake Richard when he had nightmares and how she had to stay with him, running her hand over his hair for him to be able to go back to sleep.
That was so long ago…
"I'm sorry Martha" Kate runs her hand over her face, the images of her dream still fresh in her memory.
"Don't apologize, dear" Martha says softly, before she remembers something. "You know, actually… I'll be back in a second" she scurries out of the room, leaving a confused Kate in her wake.
Martha sits on the edge of the bed and opens a drawer, its contents staring back at her mercilessly. She takes out the two white envelopes and runs her hand along the names scribbled across its well-worn surface, memories of how these letters ended up in there rushing back into her mind.
Six months earlier...
"Hey, kiddo" Martha looks up from the script she's going over to meet her son's eyes.
"Hey" Castle walks into the living room and sits by his mother's side.
He looks thoughtful, and she waits patiently for him to say whatever he has to say. Throwing him a sideways glance, she also notices that he looks fidgety and he's staring at the two white envelopes he's holding.
"What is it, Richard?" she finally asks, startling him out of his trance.
He shakes his head trying to clear his thoughts before speaking. "Can I ask you a favor?" he turns his body to face his mother with newfound confidence.
Martha can't help but feel worried when she sees the look on her son's face. He's deeply troubled by something and he looks lost. Like a child who just realized that Santa Clause is nothing more than a lie. But there's also sheer determination and resolution piercing through the fog in his blue eyes.
"If- If something ever happens to me…" he pauses, handing her the letters. "I want you to give these to Kate and Alexis" he points to the names written on the paper.
She takes them slowly and nods before looking back up. "Where is this coming from?"
He sighs and runs his hand over his face, struggling to maintain his determination. "It's just… With everything we've been through…" and all that they've barely survived… "I mean, we've been shot at, kidnapped, locked in a freezer…" how have they managed to get themselves into so much crap anyway? "If anything ever happens to me I don't want to just leave them hanging" he straightens up. He needs to remember what's important. "I wanna give them at least some kind of closure"
Beckett has just spent the last 15 years of her life trying to get closure for her mother. He doesn't want to be the reason for her to lose herself so terribly again.
And he wants to spare Alexis any suffering on his account. She has such a bright future ahead of her… He'd hate to be a burden for her in any way.
Martha nods in understanding before watching disappear back into his office.
She stands up, the envelopes heavy in her hand and she walks to her room, where she places them in a drawer. Before she closes it, she looks down at the Kate and Alexis scrawled on the paper and prays that she never has to get them out of there.
Children should never leave before their parents.
Martha stares at the paper in her hand and sighs. She's sitting on the bed, preparing herself for what she's about to do.
She needs to do it. She's put it off long enough.
The redhead makes her way back downstairs and walks through the office to get into the master bedroom.
"There… There's something else Richard left you, dear"
AN: I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and review/follow/favorite! I really appreciate it.