Always

"Everything I've ever done, every choice I've ever made, every terrible and wonderful thing that's ever happened to me… It's all led me to right here, this moment with you."

-Rick Castle "Smells Like Teen Spirit", Castle S6.

Martha stares at the paper in her hand and sighs. She's sitting on the bed, preparing herself for what she's about to do.

She needs to do it. She's put it off long enough.

The redhead makes her way back downstairs and walks through the office to get into the master bedroom.

"There- There's something else Richard left you, dear"

Kate tilts her head to the side and Martha hands her one of the envelopes. Her lips part as she gasps when she recognizes her name in his handwriting.

"He told me to give it to you if anything ever-" Martha says quietly, seeing the tears welling in her daughter-in-law's eyes. She's unable to finish the sentence. "Well. I'll leave you to it"

Beckett nods absentmindedly as the older woman leaves the room. A hand slowly travels to her lips as she stares at the paper for a while, crying silently.

What have you done, Castle?

A lump forms in her throat and she struggles to keep her hands steady as she takes the leap and slowly rips the envelope open. She takes a few deep breaths before reading.

May 10th, 2014.

She recognizes that date. It was a couple of days after they got Bracken. He wrote it after she could finally put the memory of her mother to rest. That must why he did this…

If you're reading this, it probably means that unfortunately I won't be by your side anymore. And you have no idea how sorry I am for that.

I'm sure that wherever I am right now I'm kicking myself for leaving you, but there's not much I can do about that anymore, right? Unless you have a thing for zombies, in which case we might be able to work something out.

She can't help but chuckle as she wipes the tears that are starting to make the letters blurry from her eyes with the back of her hand. Damn Castle.

Alright, sorry. That wasn't funny.

My point is that we've had a great run, Kate. You made me the happiest man on Earth just by letting me into your life.

She has to stop here.

If only she hadn't been so stupid. If only she'd let him in sooner… They would've had an ever better run. Less suffering, more time.

But now she's only left with if only.

And I don't say that to make you resent yourself for taking your time. I say it because I want you to understand how grateful I am that you trusted me with your heart.

She can't help but chuckle again. He knows- knew her so well.

Even if I was hurt then, I have come to understand that if you hadn't dealt with your issues before we got together, we might not have lasted as much as we did, and let me tell you something… I would've waited for you forever because even the thought of getting you and then losing you was far more painful than just having the hope that someday you'd let me in and we'd live happily ever after.

I'm glad you took your time.

I mean, I love you so much that… I don't know. I don't even have words to describe how happy you made me.

Some writer, huh?

Don't let my memory poison any pleasure or happiness in your life. Because I know you'll be happy, Kate. That's the least you deserve. But do not let these pleasures destroy and despise my memory and the memory of what we were. Keep me in secret corner of your heart and go down there when you feel lonely or sad and you'll find solace and support, always.

Your heart and your soul are made for loving passionately. Don't let them die with me.

It's not worth it.

Be happy. Let yourself be loved. How could you not?

Your life is filled by people who love you unconditionally. There'll always be people who love you no matter what.

I've got to be honest with you, The thought of you being with another man is eating at me right now, but I've got to tell you that the thought of you putting walls around yourself again is far more painful than any jealousy pang I may ever feel.

Perhaps the next guy will love you less than I did. Or he may be the best lover you've ever had – though I find that hard to believe. I was a catch.

That makes her roll her eyes. But he was a catch.

And perhaps you'll love him even more than you loved me, and that's okay. I mean, we never know, right?

My point is that please, please, do not kill your generous, amazing heart. You must never close yourself to love ever again. That's the only thing I ask from you.

Put your whole heart in every aspect of your life. Do whatever you want to do, so that one day you can look back on your life and say like me, 'I often suffered, I made mistakes, but I have loved.' That's all anybody really needs.

Don't let the darkness swallow the light in your life.

Please be happy, and know that I loved you with all my heart,

Always.

Kate stares at the paper through the tears for God knows how long, trying to get hold of the emotions that are wreaking havoc in her mind. For one, the need to hold him in her arms for one last time only grew stronger, but his words did help lessen in some way the pain that was threatening to swallow her hole.

She presses the paper to her chest and closes her eyes. She's got a long way to go, but this made it easier and harder at the same time. That man was everything to her, and even now, gone, he's able to give her comfort.

How is she supposed to move on?

That moment, her stomach starts turning, bringing Kate back to reality.

She breathes through the nausea and when it passes, she takes her hand to her stomach.

That's why she has to move on. For this life they created.

The next day Kate's lucky enough for her doctor to have an opening, so she gets there at 3 pm sharp. Only the thought of sitting at the waiting room looking at couples gaze lovingly into each other's eyes while she was there alone was enough to make a lump for in her throat.

Still, she has to wait a few minutes. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat the Zen-looking waiting room, but there's nothing Zen about the brunette. She's playing with her hands and her feet are tapping annoyingly on the floor. And the worst part is that she's got no one to lean on.

She decided to keep this for herself for a while longer, her mind inevitably going to worse-case-scenarios. Besides, the only person she really needs by her side won't be there ever again.

"Kate Beckett-Castle?" a young blond-haired guy –who Kate recognizes as Dell, her doctor's nurse– calls her with a smile. He's coming out from one of the exam rooms.

She would usually sing her name as 'Kate Beckett', but giving her actual new name now makes her feel a little better, like she's honoring his legacy. Like some part of him will always be there. Because it will always be there.

"Morning, Dell"

"Good morning, Kate" he grins brightly when she gets up to reach him, but he becomes concerned when she gives him a sad half-smile.

Without another word, he turns motioning for her to follow him into an exam room.

He asks some questions and does quick work of taking some blood and some measurements, and Kate's grateful for his silence.

"Um," he starts unsure once he's done. "Dr. Montgomery will come in and get you in a bit. In the meantime, can you change into this, please?" He hands her a folded paper gown.

She nods and he leaves with the now-filled chart without further ado.

She sighs and runs a hand over her face as soon as he disappears behind the door, this whole situation still unreal. She always thought that whenever she did this, she's had someone to share it all with.

Not someone. Castle.

As soon as she's changed into the unflattering and uncomfortable gown, a couple of soft knocks bring her back to reality, before the redhead doctor enters, sympathy etched on her face.

She knows.

"Hello, Kate"

"Hey" she answers simply.

"How are you holding up?" Addison Montgomery, Kate's long-time doctor steps into the room.

"Okay"

Montgomery nods and walks over to the sink, where she scrubs her hands thoroughly. "How has pregnancy been treating you?"

"Hasn't been fun"

"Hmm" the doctor smiles understandingly. "That's completely normal" she says as she puts some rubber gloves on. "Can you lie down for me, please?"

Kate takes a deep, shaky breath before obliging.

"Nervous?"

"Yeah"

Addison nods slowly, examining her patient's abdomen. "Have the symptoms been bad?"

"The sickness is worse when I get up –been throwing up every morning for about a week. And the rest of the day it's not that bad. A couple of dizziness spells here and there too"

"Hmm. It usually gets better after the first trimester or so. Have you been eating well?"

"If I feel like I can keep it down, I'll eat it"

"Good. Well," she sits on the tool again, motioning for Kate to sit up again. "According to the tests they did at the hospital and what you told Dell, I'd put you at about 9 weeks, but I'll confirm that with the new tests and the ultrasound" she says before rolling a big machine with a monitor closer to the bed.

Kate nods slowly. This is it. This is the moment of truth.

Noticing her patient's uncertainty, Montgomery faces her, looking into her eyes.

Beckett's first instinct is to look away, but instead she faces her doctor head on. This is no time for fragility. It's not only about her anymore.

"Ready?"

Kate nods. She may be determined, but she doesn't trust herself to speak right now.

"Okay" Addison says softly.

In all her years as a doctor she's dealt with every reaction to pregnancy news there could possibly be, and Kate's no exception, but in this case there's an underlying pain that just breaks her heart.

She's never seen her so... Frail. Actually, that would've been the last word she would've used to describe her patient. But after reading the news of her husband's death a few days ago... She completely understands why she's not beaming with excitement.

It's a shame really. She saw Kate only about once a year, but she really noticed the difference Richard Castle made in her life, even before they got together. She should be happy about her pregnancy. Instead she's mourning the death of her husband at the same time that she should be living the greatest joy in her life.

Talk about bad timing.

Soon, the doctor's looking at the screen and a fast whooshing sound is filling the room.

Kate's jaw drops and a smile creeps onto her face, suddenly being hit with an immense wave of happiness. "I- Is that..."

"Your baby's heartbeat" Montgomery smiles softly. "Strong and healthy"

Beside happiness, other, less pleasant thoughts flood her mind.

Castle's supposed to be crying by her side. He's the one who's supposed to buy more books than they could ever read and tell her every single detail about what's going on with their baby. He's supposed to hold her hand and tell her everything's going to be alright.

He's supposed to be there'

Addison watches as the dam breaks and the tears of joy give way to heartbreak. She finishes the exam and takes her gloves off, leaving the grainy picture on the screen.

"I'm so sorry, Kate"

Her doctor's voice brings her back to reality. She takes a couple of deep breaths, trying to regain her composure. She needs to focus on the positive. She's fine, her baby's fine... That's what she needs to focus on.

When she sees her patient calm down, she feels more at ease leaving her alone. "Do you want me to give you a few minutes?" Kate nods, so Addison gives her a small smile before leaving.

Beckett draws in a breath before facing the screen for first time.

A wave of massive feelings hits her once again as soon as her eyes land on the picture, making everything even more real. The sound of the heartbeat got to her, but the picture... That's their baby right there. She's responsible for another human being. A human being she's already willing to give up everything for.

One of her hands travels to her stomach and her eyes remain glued to the screen feeling the need to make a promise to this person she hasn't even met yet, but whom she already loves so much...

She has to be alright. If not for her own sake, then for her baby's.

"I promise... I promise to be alright. For both of us. Always" she whispers. She can't lose sight of all the blessings in her life. She can't let the darkness swallow the light.

And that's when another feeling hits her: Fear.

How is she supposed to be someone's mother? She cannot screw this up. She can't.

But she's going to do it. She'll do anything for their baby,

Always.

AN: Thanks for all the favorites/follows/reviews! I really appreciate each and every one of them!