Dance With My Father

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him

I'd play a song that would never, ever end

'Cause I'd love, love, love

To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door

And I'd hear how my mother cried for him

I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much

But could you send back the only man she loved

I know you don't do it usually

But dear Lord she's dying

To dance with my father again.

-Céline Dion "Dance With My Father"

Martha sighs softly as she leaves Kate's room and makes her way to her granddaughter's. She really hopes that these letters will help ease their pain.

Alexis hears two soft knocks on her door and, thinking it might be Kate, she decides to ignore them. Though really she doesn't understand what she'd be doing there, especially after the way she's been treating the woman.

The redhead is lying in a ball under her comforter images of him circling her mind. She's remembering her father, whom she'll never see again. That thought alone is enough to make her body shake with sobs and make the knot in her stomach tighten.

The emotions that are flooding her brain at the moment are incredibly contradictory. Besides of the fact that she's painfully sad, she's also extremely pissed.

She's angry at Beckett, at the cabbie, at the drunk driver… She's even angry at her father, even if she doesn't want to be. Why did he go?

She's just furious at the universe for pulling this crap on her. On them.

Despite all that hatred, her heart also wants for her to drag herself out of bed and into the arms of the people who love her to live through this together.

In the battle between her mind and her heart, her mind was winning. That is until the meeting with the lawyer. Not that she was paying much attention to it all, but it made her remember what her father's life was all about.

He was always sure that everyone around him was happy, he would go to any lengths necessary to keep the people he cared for safe and he was always able to find the light in this dark and twisted world.

What would it mean for her father's memory for Alexis to hold a grudge against the woman who made him so happy and who also seems to care about her?

Something else that's not helping her emotions is what happened to Beckett earlier. She's always been the strongest in every situation, keeping everybody together, and seeing her so frail for the first time since she's met her… It freaks the hell out of Alexis.

If someone like Kate can't keep it together…

Before her mind can do any more wandering, though, she hears her grandmother's voice from the other side of the door.

"Alexis, dear. Can I come in?"

"Sure" she answers, sitting up. She wipes her tear streaked face with the back of her hand fore she meets Martha's permanently anguished look.

When the older woman enters the room holding a small envelope in her hand, curiosity covers Alexis' features.

"Alexis…" she starts, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I have something for you from… From your father" she hands her letter, and the girl slowly extends her arm to grab the paper, which seems to weigh a couple pounds too many for its size.

Alexis stares at it for a while, not noticing Martha's silent departure. She slowly lifts the letter, holding it close against her chest, and closes her eyes, imagining her dad's strong frame protectively wrapped around her. God, how she misses her father.

She then proceeds to rip the envelope open and its contents are finally revealed to her: Two pieces of paper folded in half.

When she takes the first one her father's handwriting stares back at her unreadable. She runs the back of her hand over her eyes to wipe the tears and the scribbles turn into words.

May 14th, 2014

Hello, Alexis.

I'm so very sorry that I left. Believe me, it was not my idea to do this to any of you.

I should be there right now, telling you all this, but for some reason I'm not. And that's okay.

Don't let my absence haunt you. I'm not asking you to forget me, but live despite of the fact that I'm not there anymore. Keep living. You have an amazing future before you. Don't forget that. Be amazing.

Remember, even though I'm not there with you... Everything's going to be alright. I won't let the monsters get under your bed. I promise.

A warm feeling envelopes her gut at the memories of her father making sure she was safe from the monsters after she had nightmares. She always thought he was so brave for doing that for her. She still does, actually. Her father was brave in every aspect of his life.

He raised her practically alone and whenever his family was involved, he was ready to give his life to protect them.

And you can be sure that whenever you meet a new boy I'll cringe from wherever the hell –or heaven (you never know, right?)– I am. But nonetheless, let yourself be happy. I'll always be watching over you. But don't worry, I'll close my eyes when I have to.

Besides, if any mischievous boy comes around, I'm sure Beckett will be able keep him away with her gun.

She can't help chuckling through the tears. Her dad always found a way to make her smile even in the darkest of times.

There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things I've yet to see you go through... But I hope that in my time with you, you understood how much I loved you.

I know you like to be in control of every single detail of your life, but remember that it's okay to be surprised. I know that because you always surprised me, pumpkin.

You always considered yourself the adult in the family.

For good reason, she thinks to herself with a sad smile.

For very good reason. And I know my death is eating at you right now and you're probably thinking "what if I'd done this" or "what if I hadn't done that" and that's understandable. But part of being an adult is realizing that you can't always protect the people you love. So nothing of this is your fault. Or anyone's fault.

Being an adult sucks, she can't help but thinking.

Don't grow up too much. And whenever adulthood's giving you trouble, you can always break out the laser tag.

Again, memories of those times with her dad flood her mind. He really was the best father she could've ever wished for.

You'll always be my little girl. The number one on my list.

Hopefully you'll have plenty of inappropriate stories you can't tell your children. But not too many. Anyway, I'm not the one to talk. Whatever you and your friends do, believe me, I've done worse. Thankfully, you're nothing like me.

Nothing like him? She's spent her entire life trying to live up to what he was. Childishness aside –which was far from a defect most of the time– he was the most caring, brave, smart, amazing person she's ever met. Her father's her greatest hero, and if she can ever be a tiny bit of the extraordinary person he was, she'll consider herself lucky.

And never forget that even when you're going through hell you must always believe in heaven, otherwise it'll swallow you whole.

Even if I'm gone, never lose sight of what's still in front of you, of all you have to look forward to in your future. Enjoy every minute of it and just... Love. That's the only advice I can give you. Love and let yourself be loved.

Just because I'm leaving and that hurts, there're people who'll be there for you no matter what. I'll always be there for you, and I'm sure that our family will never let you down.

My life... I lived it to the fullest and I couldn't be prouder of what I did, especially you. I know I wasn't always the best example or the best father, but you still managed to turn out fine somehow. You were the light of my life. My reason for living.

My only regret is that I'm not there for you anymore, but we both know that I didn't have much choice in the matter. Live like I did. Without regret. Do what you want to do and be happy, because that's all that matters in the end.

Just remember that I loved you with all my heart,

Always.

She reads the letter twice. Taking in every single word and finding solace in them.

She'll make sure to keep her father's clear voice in her heart. Always.

She slips more comfortably into the covers and with the letter pressed to her chest, she slowly drifts into sleep.

Alexis finds herself in the middle of a big, bright ballroom. It looks like a room straight out of a princess movie. The ceiling's high and from it hangs an enormous turn-of-the-century teardrop chandelier.

It's a breathtaking awe-inspiring sight that has the redhead turning around trying to admire every single detail of the room. That's when she looks down and realizes she's wearing a beautiful light-blue gown coming in at her waist with a silvery floral belt-like pattern flowing outward in soft waves down to the floor.

She lifts her hands –in which she's wearing long satin white gloves– to touch her hair. It's up in a wavy bun at the back embellished by a small slick sparkling tiara.

Not only does the place look like it's like something out of a fairytale, but she does too.

Suddenly, Alexis finds herself no longer alone. Out of the blue, her father appears in front of her and somehow, everything turns more magical.

He looks like the handsome Prince Charming that's coming to save the princess. He's wearing a dark blue military style jacket with golden epaulettes and a couple of fancy medals attached to it. He too is wearing gloves and looking extremely handsome with his hair combed perfectly.

She's unable to move from her place, not quite grasping the situation. Her senses feel sharper somehow, and every single detail is memorized by her brain.

He walks towards her, a soft, unburdened smile on his lips. When he reaches her, all she can do is gaze into his comforting eyes as he takes her hand into his. His other hand finds its way to her waist and slowly pulls her close, before beautiful, slow classical music fills the room and they start twirling around the ballroom.

As he gently leads her across the dance floor, her eyes are glued to his and somehow she finds what she's been so desperately seeking since his departure… Somehow she feels like she can finally let herself get some closure.

His presence is enough to remind her… That she must move forward. That she'll be okay even if she misses him some times. That she'll never let his memory go.

She lets him guide her body through the music until she's suddenly startled when he stops.

"I miss you, dad" she says in a small voice, wrapping her arms as tightly around his frame as she can. Like if the sheer strength of her embrace was enough to bring him back.

"I know pumpkin" he takes her by the shoulders and makes her breakaway from him so that she can look into his eyes. "But you need to let go of me and embrace the people who can still be with you" he says calmly.

"But I don't want to" she says in a way she hasn't spoken since she was seven years old. Her gaze drops and he takes her chin, making her look back at him.

"Promise me you'll try to be okay with all of this"

She doesn't want to promise him that, partly because she's not sure she'll be able to honor her word. But seeing him there… She doesn't want to let him down. "I promise" she finally says softly.

A huge smile lights his features before everything melts into blurry multicolored blobs and turns black.

Alexis finds herself in her room enveloped by darkness. But her heart feels lighter somehow, and the bright, unburdened smile of her father is etched in her memory.

The next morning, after the first decent night of sleep she's had since her Castle's death, Alexis goes downstairs to the kitchen. She finds Martha sitting at the counter, reading the paper and sipping a cup of coffee.

The older woman lifts her gaze and a smile tugs on her lips when she sees her granddaughter's less troubled complexion. She seems lighter somehow… And Martha's glad.

"Good morning, dear"

"Morning, Gram" Alexis sees, her gaze sweeping the room. "Where's Kate?"

"I don't know" Martha shrugs offhandedly. "She's probably still in her room"

Alexis' frown deepens. Beckett's rarely one to get up past sunrise. Though it has been an awful week…

Right then, Kate emerges from the office dragging her feet. She looks terrible… And she feels worse.

"Are you alright?" Alexis asks as soon as she sees her pale face.

"Yeah" Kate gives her a small smile, trying to downplay how awful she feels. She quickly breezes in front of Martha, avoiding her gaze and goes straight for the fridge to get a water bottle to was the bitter taste from her mouth.

Concern covers the redhead's features when she sees her daughter in law's complexion. "Want some coffee, Katherine?" she watches her closely, alarm bells going off in her head.

"Uh, no thanks" Kate keeps her back to Martha and winces to herself. She recognizes that tone. She knows.

Martha nods slowly and narrows her eyes at the brunette. Something's going on. She's never seen Beckett refuse coffee, and now that she thinks of it, she hasn't seen her with a cup of Joe in a while… Oh God. Is she…?

Her eyes widen in realization and a ton of conflicting emotions hit her all at once. Her heart beams with joy at the thought of having a grandchild, but the circumstances make a knot form in her stomach.

But if Kate hasn't said anything there must be a reason, so before her emotions go anywhere else with the possibility, she'll wait for the actual news.

Alexis watches the exchange confused. There's something going on, but she can't quite figure out what.

The rest of the morning goes by quietly, with plenty of secret looks between the women.

Alexis spends the whole time trying to get the courage to talk to Kate, but she just can't get the guts to do it.

After lunch, a plan starts forming in her head, but before she can carry it out, Kate is out the door saying she'll be back in a couple of hours.

When Beckett's back at the apartment, Alexis looks up from the couch, where she has been sitting trying to figure out something intelligent to say to the brunette in apology, and curiosity overcomes her. Kate looks almost… glowing. A small smile plays on her lips and somehow she seems lighter and burdened all at the same time.

The older woman makes her way to her bedroom quickly, longing to glance once more at the grainy black and white picture in her bag.

Alexis puts her thoughts aside and decides to come clean once and for all. "Um… Kate?"

Beckett stops in her tracks and turns to look at the redhead. "Yeah?" she says calmly, but truth be told, she's anything but calm. Alexis is reaching out to her –or at least she hopes so– so she needs to be helpful. It hasn't been easy for the girl, and the fact that she wants to talk is a very good sign.

"Can I… Can we talk?"

"Sure" Kate nods slowly before easing onto the couch in front of Alexis.

The redhead takes a couple of deep breath, trying to put her thoughts in order and Beckett waits for her patiently.

"I- Uh… I'm sorry" Alexis begins, and the brunette can see how sorry she is by the way she's now avoiding her gaze. "For the way I treated you. I was way out of line" she finally manages to meet Kate's look.

"It's al-"

"Please, let me finish" she interrupts her quickly. Kate was about to let her off the hook for her horrible comments, and that wouldn't be fair. "The fact that my father's… gone, doesn't give me the right to be a jerk"

"Okay" Beckett leans forward in her seat. Alexis needs to get this off her chest, and she'll gladly listen.

"I- I'm sorry for saying this was your fault. It isn't. It's no one's fault" Alexis' gaze drops to the floor before looking back up. "And that makes me feel all sorts of things. Not having someone to blame makes it… Harder somehow. But it wouldn't be fair to anyone to blame them either"

Kate gives her a half smile. She knows that struggle all too well.

"I know we're all going through a hard time and that it's easy if we go through it together… If you want" she adds at the end. She wouldn't blame Kate if she didn't trust her anymore after all the crap she threw at her.

The brunette stands up and takes sits by Alexis' side. She looks at her searching her eyes for permission before taking the girl into her arms. "I wouldn't have it any other way" she says softly.

That's when Alexis loses it. Kate forgave her just like that… That's the kind of unconditional love have for each other, and knowing the older woman is there for her no matter what reminds her of her father. Soon, tears are streaming down her face and Beckett's hold is tighter against her frame.

"It's okay" she whispers calmly.

"I'm so sorry" Alexis manages to get out through the sobs.

"Shh. It's okay" Kate holds the younger woman's frame firmly. "I'm here. It's gonna be okay"

And for the first time since her father's death, Alexis is able to believe that.

It will be okay, They'll be okay.

AN: Back with the angst after an absolutely amazing episode of Castle. Thanks for the continued support!