Third Entry
She left me.
Lightning took off without a look back to see my hurt puppy dog expression.
She just left.
I don't know whether to be impressed or offended that she managed to overcome the power that I've dubbed cute.
But she's no different than the others. I know she'll fall given time.
I could stop writing and try to catch up with her. But I'm tired. My legs feel sore what from surviving an airship crash and being made to walk however many miles through this junk yard. I wish I were more like Lightning. She's headstrong and knows what she's doing. She went on a Purge train to save her sister. That takes a lot of bravery and nerve. She's not like me. I'm a coward. I'm afraid of getting hurt or worse, killed. I could never have her tenacity to keep going regardless of the consequences. Unlike me, she's strong and has somewhere to go. I can't go back home and I don't have anything to look forward to in the future besides trying to wipe any evidence of my involvement in Snow's murder. She wants to keep fighting despite having the equivalent of a shiny popsicle for a sister. I guess she doesn't want to end up like her or a Cie'th.
If I were Lightning I'd be able to do a lot of things, like kill Snow. I'd use my soldier training to kill him in a heartbeat. No, that's too generous. I'd probably do it slowly and make him suffer. I'd probably play with his emotions first, try to seduce him (not that I'm secretly attracted to Snow or anything. I'm really not). But the fact that Lightning looks legal enough to vote and buy alcohol might be a turn off to him. I have a better chance of seducing him now with my childish yet manly good looks. Scratch all of that. I don't want to seduce him. I'll kill him quickly and hope no one notices he's missing. He's huge and annoying so that might be a problem. Maybe I'll just take his bandana and wrap it around a chocobo's head and hope no one tries to talk to it.
It's getting cold around here and it's already pretty late. I wish I was in a nice warm bed. I can't just go home since I doubt I'll be welcomed. And it's not like I want to go home anyway. My dad probably wouldn't care either way. If anything he'll probably think everything that's happened so far –Mom's death, me becoming a l'Cie—is my fault. And maybe it is my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered mom so much about taking me to Bodham to see the annual fireworks, maybe I should've listened to my gut feeling when we got to the lair of a fal'Cie and turned back instead of following Vanille in search of Snow. These are things I regret now and they're actions I can't take back and have to live with. Mom's gone, I'm a Pulse l'Cie, I have no clue what my Focus is, and I'm out for Snow's blood. This is my reality and there's nothing I can do now to change any of it.
I'm going to stop now. My legs feel a bit numb. Maybe I'll walk around a bit to get warmed up and then wait for Sazh and Vanille to catch up.