Breakaway
But if I really want a change
Then I must admit
That I'm the one to blame
If I could break away
Cut the cord
For worse or better
If I could turn the page
At last and say
Goodbye forever
But on the other side
Of yesterday
Beyond the heartache
What if all I am
Without the pain
Is empty hearted
I could break away
-Céline Dion, "Breakaway"
Life isn't fair. If there's anything Kate Beckett has learned it's that. But… When does the Universe decide someone's already been through enough?
This woman has never given up. No matter what's going on around her, she has always made it through.
Even in the worst days there's a possibility for joy.
It wasn't that long ago that she finally accepted her mother's death, and even less long ago that she began coming to terms with her husband's… And now she finds her possibility for joy being suddenly ripped away mercilessly.
No.
She sharply reminds herself. She won't lose her baby. She just… Won't. She can't handle losing another person that already holds so much of her heart.
As nurses hover around Kate and she tries not to let herself be drawn into the darkness of her thoughts, a young blond-haired doctor with kind features approaches her bed looking down at the chart in his hands.
She looks at him through the tears and realizes he's the same guy that treated her the night… That night.
Just that thought is enough to make the waterworks start with full force all over again. How is it that she keeps ending up in here with yet another part of her world being ripped away?
As his eyes skim over the page a spark of recognition appears in his eyes followed by what she can only describe as pity, but she can't really get herself to care.
"Ms. Beckett," he looks up to her, clearly remembering the circumstances of their last meeting. "I'm Dr. Parker. We'll get an ultrasound machine in here in a minute to see what's going on."
His eyes and his voice are kind but never condescending. She appreciates that.
She manages a small nod, still trying to calm her shaky breathing as tears keep rolling down her face.
"Do you have an OBGYN? Would you like us to inform them you're here so maybe they can drop by?"
"Her name's uh, Addison Montgomery," Kate's voice is low and raspy.
"Oh," he nods. "She works here from time to time. We'll give her a call."
He gives her a small reassuring smile before getting down to business. "How bad is the pain?"
"Um, I barely feel anything anymore."
"For how long have you been cramping?"
"Well, this morning it wasn't that bad and now…"
He nods, taking note in the chart. "So nothing before today? Any bleeding?"
"Not that I've, uh, noticed," she runs a hand over her face, knowing that these questions need to be answered. But where's that freaking machine already?
"Any nausea or vomiting today? Anything out of the ordinary?"
"Well… It's usually pretty bad to begin with… Yeah threw up a couple of times today."
Just as he's writing it all down, one of the nurses walks in with a big, bulky device that he sets up by her bed.
A couple of minutes and several more questions later, she's laying on her back and he's pouring some gel over her abdomen.
Kate is closing her eyes tightly and praying to whoever is listening that her baby be alright. That the only thing left to her of Castle is still safely lying within her.
Seeing his patient draw in shaky breaths and clenching her fists so tightly that her nails are probably painfully digging into the skin of her palms, he asks, "Do you want me to call someone in to be with you?"
Yes, she does want someone here with her. Problem is… He never will be again.
She shakes her head, still not opening her eyes. "Just do it, okay?" her voice is barely there, pleading.
Just a few moments later, a whooshing sound fills the space, and Kate could swear that's the most beautiful sound she's ever heard. An enormous weight lifts off her shoulders and moisture quickly floods her eyes again.
Opening the clouded hazel orbs, she searches the doctor's face for confirmation, and when she sees him smiling, the air coming into her lungs is suddenly not enough.
"Your baby's perfect, Ms. Beckett," he says as she turns to looks at the screen, beginning to gasp for air.
Relief flooding her system as she faces that black and white image through cloudy eyes, she silently thanks everyone and everything she can think of.
Her baby is okay. Her baby is okay and that's all that matters.
"Oh, my God," she quietly says between gasps as she tries to get her breathing, crying, heartbeat or at least some part of her under control.
The doctor watches her carefully as he puts the equipment away after measuring everything. He sees how she puts her hands over her face after managing to take control of her breathing back, and how her body releases the tension that had been building up since this started.
"Do you want me to send someone in?" he asks quietly, getting ready to leave.
She simply shakes her head, her hands still covering her face and he nods before he gets out of the room.
Her baby is okay.
Kate's mind is too busy being contradicted with total and absolute gratefulness and thoughts of obscure what ifs to keep track of time. So, by the time a soft voice at the entrance of the exam room breaks her out of her reverie, she's not sure if it's been minutes or hours since Parker left.
"Kate? Can I come in?"
Beckett opens her reddened eyes to meet Addison Montgomery's concerned ones. The brunette nods, and the doctor walks inside to sit on the stool previously occupied by Dr. Parker.
"I'm sorry I made you come all the way here," Kate says apologetically with a raspy voice. Taking in the redhead doctor's casual attire and remembering that it's pretty late, she realizes that she didn't even need her here.
Addison shakes her head and gives her patient a small, reassuring smile. "Don't worry about it. I have to check on another patient anyway. So, how are you doing?" she checks the clipboard in her hand before looking back at Kate.
"I don't know, you tell me."
Dr. Montgomery tilts her head to the side and slightly narrows her eyes at the answer.
Fact is, Kate Beckett is a mess right now. She doesn't know how to answer that question. And the redhead can see it all over her face, so she decides to go with facts before she even thinks about venturing into her patient's state of mind.
A situation like this is not easy on the patient, and even when it only ends up being no worse than a scare, it still takes its toll on pregnant women. And in this particular woman's case… It might be just a little too much to take.
"Dr. Parker told me what happened. And I also noticed that your blood pressure was a little high, but considering the circumstances, it's normal. They'll take it again in a little while just to make sure everything's alright."
Kate nods, appreciating the methodical approach.
"You're also a bit dehydrated, so they'll want to keep you in here for a couple of hours hooked to that IV."
Beckett frowns. She shouldn't be dehydrated. She's been taking care of herself. She's been watching that she eats and drinks enough…
"You haven't been able to keep much down, have you?" Dr. Montgomery reassures her, making Kate see it's not her fault that she ended up in here.
Oh. That's it.
"Well, I'd like to see you in my office in a week, if that's alright with you, just to make sure it's all going smoothly and if not, I could prescribe you something to help. And I'm gonna need you to call me, or come here immediately, if you start cramping again or if you start bleeding. And also if you feel like you can't keep any fluids down, okay?"
"Okay," Kate nods again. This she can do. This she has some control over.
The silence hangs between them for a few moments as the doctor figures out how out of it her patient is. And by the looks of it, she barely seems to be in it. That façade that was the strong and in control Kate Beckett is nowhere to be found. In her place was the face of a broken woman.
"Is there anything I can do for you, Kate?"
"Can you tell me everything is going to be alright?"
"Not if I'm being honest," Addison shakes her head sadly. As much as she wants to help her, she can't start lying to her. Not when she knows everything could go sideways in a heartbeat.
Kate nods slowly, going back to look at the ceiling. That's exactly what she needs from her doctor. The truth.
Then why is she so disappointed with her answer?
"But I can tell you this," the redhead gets her patient's attention when she covers Kate's hand with both of hers, trust and encouragement etched in her features. "You're one of the strongest, most stubborn patients I know, Kate. I know you'll fight for your baby. I know you'll do anything in your power to keep your child safe. And I'll help you every step of the way."
And here come the tears again. But this time, they're not tears of rage or desperation. They're tears of hope.
She still has this beacon of hope to hang on to.
After Martha and Alexis and Lanie have hovered over her, held her hand and given her words of encouragement, she finds herself in the room alone with Esposito.
He's standing at the entrance, looking her over. He has a hard time believing that's his partner in that bed. Even when she got shot she never looked this messed up.
But even when the worry and terror that covered her face all the way to the hospital are now nowhere to be found, her features are a mixture of disarrayed emotions. Most importantly, though, in that woman's tear-streaked, exhausted face, there's faith. She's still standing. She's still fighting.
How that's remotely possible is beyond all of them. They've all seen Kate Beckett at her worst, and the fact that she's still standing tall and fighting against all odds is a feat in itself and they'll never stop encouraging her.
But she's also suffering. She's still hanging on to heartbreak.
And it kills him just to stand back and watch as her world falls to pieces around her. And she's here… Although barely. She hasn't let herself heal and that's starting to become a serious problem.
His hands are deeply buried in his coat pockets, his stance is stiff and sympathy is etched all over his features. "You okay?" he asks her, probably for the umpteenth time today.
"I'm fine," she answers, also probably for the umpteenth time today.
"You've said that so many times today, it doesn't even sound like words anymore."
She shoots him a give me a break look, but he ignores it and plows through, walking closer to her bed, his stance getting defensive.
"You lost your husband, and you could've lost your baby. You're supposed to not be fine. You're supposed to be pissed at the world."
"Javi-" she starts pleadingly, but he ignores her again as a mix of anger and sorrow cloud his brain. She needs to hear this.
"No," he tells her pointedly. "You're allowed to take your time, Kate. You're driving yourself into the ground again. And you can't afford to do that now. Not anymore," he pauses, and his gaze softens. "But you already know this."
Her gaze drops to her lap. Of course she already knows that. It's just too damn hard to let go.
"Now, rest. Take your time, go home and get better," he says softly, taking her hand into his.
She nods, he gives her the earnest smile he can muster and he turns around and leaves.
As soon as he's gone, another visitor is standing at the threshold of the room, the same look of sympathy as everybody else covering her features.
"How are you doing?" Gates asks, walking in, keeping a certain distance between the bed and herself.
She's always seen herself in Beckett, and it's always very hard to watch her fall.
"I'm alright," she shrugs.
The Captain, seeing the exhaustion in Kate's face and catching onto the fact that she's not going to talk about it, she decides to keep it brief.
Beckett just stares at her superior as the silence falls upon them and they let their eyes do the talking.
Gates is offering her sympathy and is glad everything's okay. Kate is grateful but nowhere near ready to talk about it.
"That cliff I was talking about?" Gates says simply, letting the weight of the words fall heavily on Kate's shoulders. "There's no bottom. So don't jump."
The doctors take her blood pressure again, and after reaching the conclusion that she's stable and hydrated, they discharge her. In a matter of a few hours, Kate finds herself getting into another bed. A warmer, slightly more comforting bed.
Emotions are still wreaking havoc in her mind, and after trying to hold them in for the last couple of hours, she realizes she's not going to have power over them for much longer.
Just as the troops of feelings assaults her, and in the verge of having yet another panic attack, she reaches for her phone to dial a number that she knows will never be answered again.
She waits for the rings until she finally hears the voicemail and she lets that soft, velvety voice that she hasn't heard in so long envelop her battered heart into a warm embrace.
"Hi, you've reached Richard Castle. Lucky you. So, given I'm probably either stuck in a boring meeting or I'm out chasing bad guys with my hot badass wife, leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm done."
Hearing his voice she's finally able to release the tension. She let's go and violent sobs start ripping through her body.
What would she have done if she had lost the life her and Rick created? Could she have lived in a world where he's gone and their baby is too? Would she have been able to take it?... After all, everybody has a breaking point.
She ends up by trying to ignore the what ifs and self destructive thoughts, to focus on trying to regain her composure.
"Katherine, dear, is something wrong?" Martha's worried voice rings through the door.
"No. No," Beckett manages to get out as she tries to get air back into her lungs, wiping the remaining tears.
"Are you sure? Do you need anything?" The redhead keeps trying.
When she got the call that her daughter-in-law was in the hospital, it's like the world stopped all over again. Worst case scenarios swirled in her head as she gathered Alexis and they bolted to the Emergency Room.
She has no idea what would have happened if Katherine would have lost the baby, and she doesn't want to even fathom that idea. But she would've been incredibly angry. Hasn't that girl been through enough? Hasn't the whole family had enough of this crap for a while?
That moment, Kate's pale, tear-streaked faced and shaking frame appears at the door.
"Are you alright, dear?"
Beckett simply shakes her head. And she probably won't be for a while. "But I will be. I promised."
She hasn't forgotten that promise she made to her baby. And she never will.
After almost a week of fitful and restless sleep laden with nightmares Kate has had enough. She can't go back to any similarity of normal just by wishing it all to get fixed on its own by moping all day in the apartment hanging on to Castle by reading and re-reading everything he's ever written while wearing his clothes. That won't get her where she wants to go.
She's seen the look on Martha's and Alexis' face, and she knows that it's taking them everything they've got to not just give up and do exactly what Beckett is doing. But they all know that's the last thing she should be doing.
So this morning, at 11 weeks of pregnancy, she sits at the familiar, calm, light room. She lets herself be drawn back into the leather of the chair, but her feet are perched up on the edge of the seat.
Dr. Burke silently watches his patient, who he hasn't seen for over six months. Right before she got married.
She hasn't said anything since she came in, just a couple of minutes before, but he has an idea about why she's back. He heard on the news about what happened to Castle, and his heart goes out to her. She had finally clawed her way into a place where she could be comfortable to give herself completely again, and then tragedy strikes again.
He also notices her protective posture. He's only seen her like that before. It was back when she came back after she had passed her psych evaluation. It was back when she was ready to work through everything she had to overcome to be able to let herself be happy.
And he's pretty sure she's back for the exact same place, though this time, the road to getting where she wants to go will be harsher, because she'll have to let go of that one thing that let her finally reach closure for her mother's loss.
"I guess you already know why I'm here," she begins softly, with a safe statement.
"How would I know? You haven't told me anything."
As annoying as his psychobabble is, making her open up, she'd missed his deep voice nudging her forward to her better self. She needs it.
She sighs loudly, and takes the plunge, staring right into his dark, kind eyes. "My husband died."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"Yeah, me too…" she mutters under her breath.
He lets the silence stretch for a few seconds and then says, "You still haven't told me why you're here."
"I need… I need to be able to let go."
"Why do you feel like you have to?" that's the textbook answer. She's been in therapy for long enough to know that's what they all tell you to do. But he needs to know why. He needs to uncover the real reason to move on in order to use it to reel her back in if she starts drifting away.
"Because… I can already feel it taking me down. And I can't afford to let go. Not this time."
"Why is this time different?"
"'Cause I'm pregnant. With Castle's baby. And I… I thought I was gonna lose it a few days back and I…" The tears start threatening to spill, the memories of the terror of that day enough to make her crack. "I'd just never forgive myself if I let down the life he and I created. I don't think I would be able to go on if… If something happened to the last part of him I have left."
He nods slowly, his features unmoving as he leans forward and offers her the box of tissues, and she takes one to wipe the tears that are already falling.
After giving her a few seconds to gather herself, he continues.
"What if I asked you to tell me something you're hoping for in your future? About your baby, perhaps?"
"No," she shakes her head immediately. "No, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
She remains silent for a few seconds, trying to find an answer. "I… I just can't."
"What are you afraid of, Kate?"
She looks up at him again, and she's faced with his usual, stoic façade which keeps her grounded. Keeps her here, in this safe version of her reality. She gets lost in the softness and security of his features. That man has seen her through her worst times, and she's not once doubted that he's going to help her get better, no matter how painful the road might be.
It's not until he tilts his head slightly to the side that she remembers that he's expecting an answer.
"I- After what happened the other day… I'm afraid..." her words hang in the air between them as she looks up, searching for an answer in the ceiling before her gaze drops miserably to her hands. "I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to get close. I'm afraid of everything."
Sensing she's going to continue talking, he lets the silence take over the room until she's ready to go on.
"But you know what's strange?" she looks up at his unmoving features. "This pain I'm feeling? That I'm letting consume my soul?... I love it. I embrace it. I'm afraid that if I let go… I might lose whatever memories I have left of him. Because if I can quiet my head enough…" she closes her eyes, letting the feeling take over her body. "I can hear him. I can feel him."
Kate painstakingly rips herself away from that momentary trance to look back at the psychologist, and he's tilting his head to the right ever so slightly.
"You can't hang on to heartache, Kate. Unless you want your memories of him to be tinted with pain."
Beckett lowers her gaze again. She's just afraid to find out that all she is without the pain is empty-hearted.
AN: Hope you're still hanging in there! Thanks for your support!