AN: Just in time for #CastleFanficMonday! Hope you enjoy!

Blue Christmas

"Every winter, as soon as that chill rolls in I'm right back there in that alley.

"January 9th and we still haven't taken our Christmas decorations down and by the time my Dad and I did it was like we were putting Christmas away forever."

-Kate Beckett, "Secret Santa", Castle S5.

Kate Beckett rolls in her bed dreading having to leave the warmth of the covers and blissfulness of sleep for the unforgiving chill and daunting gloom of the real world.

She's been going to therapy for the last month and it's already helped enormously with Kate's quest to just try to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. Her husband has already been gone for over a month and a half, and her baby is doing well, and… Well, she's moving forward.

That's good, right?

Well, she knows it's a good thing. She just doesn't feel like it is… Yet.

She's also back to the precinct. Granted, she's back to do grunt work, which basically makes her feel worthless, which in turn doesn't help her situation at all. But it's the only way Gates would let her come back.

The boys are sweet enough to keep her apprised of the cases and ask for input they probably don't even need, and it's driving her crazy. It's nice that they care, and that they keep her brain from turning into mush, she would just prefer if she didn't need them having to do that for her.

Though she knows it's necessary and that it keeps her safe, and that it keeps her baby safe… But that kind of work doesn't even make it worth it to get out of bed so damn early in the morning.

She grunts when the alarm breaks her out of her reverie and stretches her arm to turn it off, not even bothering to look at it. She knows it's exactly 6:30 AM on December 20th.

That's another thing that makes her want to stay in bed and not do more with her day than read, eat and be a human incubator.

It's freezing cold outside, sunlight doesn't last for longer than just a few hours… Oh, and her dead husband's favorite holiday is just around the corner.

People on the streets stroll merrily around the snow that they'll be cursing at as soon as the holidays are over, an astronomical amount of money is spent by people that don't have it, colorful lights adorn streets full grown men dressed in the same ridiculous red suit… And it just all reminds her how much she misses her husband's warmth and glee, and just how much their child will miss out on by not knowing their father.

They'll get her instead. A woman so broken she has trouble even getting out of bed, a woman who's afraid to see further into time than just a couple of days, a woman who doesn't have the slightest idea of how to be a mother.

As soon as that chill rolls in, I'm back there in that alley… She remembers when she told that to Castle back when they started dating. That was the last time winter was a daunting hell hole that threatened to swallow her whole and the first time it was an actual wonderful time.

She loved that feeling, that sense of hope. On the shortest, darkest days of the year, people of all faiths celebrate the light, he told her, and she believed him.

But this year, when the chill rolled over the city… This year it's harder to find that light to celebrate.

Therapy has definitely helped, though. She probably wouldn't be able to even get up in the morning otherwise.

So finally, when she musters enough willpower, she kicks the covers away and gets up, thankful that this time it wasn't her stomach that had her bolting to the bathroom.

Yeah, despite of the fact that she's already in her second trimester, morning sickness –which in Beckett's case would be rather all-day-sickness– is still pretty bad.

She does quick work of taking her shirt off, and as she stands in front of the mirror and she takes her hand to her abdomen to remove her pants, she notices it.

Oh, God.

She's unable to take her eyes off of her form on the mirror as her hand softly and slowly caresses her stomach. Her swollen stomach. It's barely there, but that's it. That's a baby bump. That's her baby in there.

Kate finally looks to the actual body part in question and her hand covers it protectively as she feels her heart fill with joy and love. She's loved this baby since the moment she found out, and now there's actual physical evidence that there's an actual person growing in there.

Well, if the endless retching and ultrasound images hadn't given her enough proof that there was a baby in there, this makes it completely real.

And this just happened overnight and she's going to be a mother, and oh, God.

She hates the endless mood swings. She hasn't been out of bed for more than 5 minutes and she's already covered the whole spectrum of emotions.

Part of her is basking in the pain of not being able to call his name so loudly that it has him rushing into the bedroom in a panicked frenzy, of not being able to see his frightened look slowly turn into a goofy, excited grin, of not being able to have him kneel before her saying sweet nothings to her stomach –to their baby.

But mostly, her heart is just floating in all the love she already feels for their little Bug.

This is why she's working towards a brighter future.

This is her light.

She just has some trouble remembering sometimes.

Alexis lies in the security of the darkness of her bedroom, where she doesn't have to face the cheerfulness of the season.

Today marks the date when her father used to receive the shipments of ginormous trees that barely fit in the loft and he broke out the storage room full of Christmas decorations.

It's been six weeks since he died, and still, every time the sound of a key opening the door resonates through the loft, she still halfway expects to see him come in.

And the fact that he won't be here for Christmas only makes matters worse. Is it even worth celebrating this year? Will the little family find enough reason to celebrate?

She finally leaves the comfort of the covers to change before getting breakfast.

Just before she leaves her room, a thought crosses the young woman's mind. Does Kate want to do anything for Christmas?

Since her father and Kate started dating, the detective has celebrated Christmas with them. But she has no idea what's going to happen this year.

Wanting to get an answer to her inquiry as soon as possible, she makes her way downstairs and towards her father's- Kate's room.

She crosses the office as quickly as possible, not wanting to remember what used to happen there just a few weeks earlier, when everything was okay. When everything was perfect.

Before she's gets a chance to knock on the door of the room, through the book case, she sees the cop looking at herself in the full length mirror. Not wanting to pry or to bother the older woman, the redhead decides to leave, but before she has the chance to turn around, the mesmerized looking Kate in the mirror softly caresses her abdomen.

Warmth spreads across the redhead's chest at the sight. Maybe they have already found a reason to celebrate.

It's just a little hard to remember at times.

Beckett, in a new, revitalized mood, walks with purpose towards the kitchen after getting dressed. She finds a thoughtful Alexis sitting at the kitchen island and the brunette softly runs her hand over the younger woman's shoulder as she passes by her side.

"Morning."

"Morning," Alexis smiles softly.

Both women prepare their breakfast in companionable silence for a few minutes, until they sit side by side at the counter and the redhead breaks it quietly.

"Do you… Do you have plans for Christmas Eve?"

The detective sighs softly at the question and tilts her head to the side facing the other woman.

"I don't know…" She's put off thinking about it for the past couple of weeks, and she has no idea of what she wants to do.

Alexis nods as she feels the ambience suddenly turn somber in contrast to the light morning they'd had so far and she's sorry she even brought it up.

Seeing the now crestfallen Alexis, Kate shakes her head. "I don't know… Yet. But, for whatever it's worth, I'll try to figure it out. Okay?"

Alexis nods again and gives Beckett a small smile.

Kate hates that she's not able to be there for the young woman as much as she needs her to be. She just hopes that, in whatever measure she has been able to be there for her, it has helped. If only just a little.

Beckett returns the smile and squeezes the younger woman's hand reassuringly before she finishes getting ready for work.

The case that the guys are working on today involves the death of a man in a car crash that was ruled premeditated. The guy left two fatherless young children and a distressed widow.

And it's just too much for Kate.

She can't do it.

The guys had insisted on not sharing this one with her, but she had urged them to tell her everything, that she could take it. But as they give her the rundown of the details that they've gathered so far, she's starting to wish she hadn't pushed.

"Oh- okay," she stops Esposito midsentence. "You know what? You're right; I don't need to hear this."

Both partners try not to look surprised at the fact that she actually admitted not being able to take it. Knowing her, they thought she'd tough it out and worry about it later. This is completely unexpected.

"I can gather all the intel you need, but I- I don't need to hear the details, okay?" She says quietly. Under the desk, she's digging her nails into one of her palms, trying desperately to keep it together. She could have been able to go through the details with a straight face, but she knows that the inevitable breakdown later would've been horrifying.

So instead she's putting her ego aside and doing the smart thing.

And the fact that stepping away from her job is the smart thing to do is horrifying in itself.

"Okay," Esposito and Ryan nod in tandem before walking away.

As the boys go back to their work stations, Kate sighs heavily and scrubs her face with her hands before she starts gathering their victim's financial information.

A while later, what the boys needed is ready, so Javier walks up to her desk, and he narrows his eyes at the NYPD mug she's sipping from.

"Is that coffee?" he says, trying not to sound judgmental but, judging by the pointed look she's giving him, it's not working.

"Mm-hmm," she simply hums, looking up at him over the brim of the cup she's still holding to her lips.

"Okay…"

She shoots him a look that has him raising his hands in defense before she hands him the paperwork. "Seems clean. Nothing out of the ordinary."

"Thanks," he takes the papers. "And, uh, you should probably lay off that stuff," he says quickly as he walks away.

She rolls her eyes and chooses to ignore his comment. Her doctor assured her that one cup of regular coffee a day is okay. She'd avoid it altogether if it wasn't for the fact that she needs to stay awake in order to gather information. Stuck at her desk. All day long.

That's when Ryan walks up to her and does the exact judgmental routine his partner just did. "Is that coffee?"

"Yes, it's coffee," she snaps at him. Why do they care anyway? She can take care of herself.

Ryan's eyes widen slightly at her little outburst before he nods. "Alright… Can you run a name for me, please?"

Once Kevin gets back to his desk, Esposito leans towards him and whispers, "She's hormonal. I wouldn't mess with her."

That's when a dark blue stress ball hits Javier square in the back of the head.

"Hey!" He yells as he turns around and Ryan snorts, trying not to burst out laughing.

"Sorry, Espo," Beckett lifts her hands in innocence, contrasting the devilish smirk on her face. "I can't help it. I'm hormonal."

He momentarily glares at her before he goes back to his desk.

Despite the playful looks between the three partners, Esposito and Ryan are definitely surprised –in the best way possible– that she's goofing around with them.

Now they're a little more certain that she is indeed capable of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and they couldn't be happier about it.

While she runs names and financials and phone records, Kate finds plenty of time to get lost in her thoughts.

For a moment, she actually considers taking the Christmas shift, going back to her own, lonely tradition of keeping watch while everyone else celebrates. But soon she realizes that was exactly how it felt: lonely. Besides, she wouldn't be of much help being chained to her desk like this. Though the most important part of her deciding against it is that, well…

She has a family to take care of. If there's ever a time when she actually has to get herself together to at the very least physically be there for them, this is it.

So I guess there will be a celebration this year.

Finally, the day is over, and Beckett's back at the apartment. She opens the door and she's immediately struck by what the loft has turned into. It hits her just as much –if not more– as the first time she saw the apartment this colorful and bright. It's all exactly the same –except that this time the tree is not as big.

"Wha…" Kate's jaw drops as she takes in the magic that comes from the lights and bright colored tinsel around the apartment. And they also set the little Christmas village and train Castle used to love so much.

"Katherine!" A smiling Martha motions for the brunette to join her and Alexis by the tree, on which they're putting the finishing touches.

"You- you did all this by yourselves? You should've told-"

"Nonsense dear, we didn't have much else to do today and this… Well… It was nice," the older woman reassures her.

"Yeah," Alexis adds. "It was a little hard at first, but then I remembered how Dad used to love doing this and how much it meant for him to continue the tradition. We did it for us as much as we did it for him."

Beckett opens her mouth to say something about how brave they are for doing this, moving forward and always focusing on the bright side, but the young woman keeps talking, walking closer to the brunette.

"And well… I was also kinda thinking about the baby," Alexis shrugs non-committedly, piquing the other women's curiosity with that statement. "That baby is a part of him. Maybe that's his way of reminding us that… No matter how bad things get, we can always find the light. This is our light. And I think that's worth celebrating."

She already knows that, but hearing it from her… It just makes her happy and proud and… Kate feels her heart swell in her chest and her eyes brim with tears as she wraps the young woman in her arms. "Thank you, Alexis," she whispers in her ear.

That remark meant so much to Beckett that… She doesn't even know how to describe the emotion –positive emotion– that it brought to her. She's right.

And oh, does she sound like her father.

Alexis also wraps her arms tightly around Kate. She wasn't sure how she was going to take all of this, and the fact that she seems to be happy about it lifts all the weight off her shoulders.

They're all making an effort to be there for each other, to make the best of every situation, and even if it's not always easy, they always manage to find the joy.

Because that's what families do. And despite of everything, they're still a great one.

Two days later, Beckett sits at her desk at the precinct, calmly going over some security footage when Esposito and Ryan suddenly jump to their feet and gather their stuff in frenzy.

"We got him," Kevin informs her, walking towards her. "We asked his wife to come in today; she should be here in about 15 minutes. Can you tell her to wait for us, please?"

"Uh, sure. Go," she nods before he runs to follow the team that Esposito's leading to the elevator.

The thought of hanging around with Mrs. Cooper while the boys are catching her husband's killer is not really appealing to Kate, but… Well. Whatever.

A few minutes later, a distressed looking woman comes out of the elevator followed by a uniformed cop. When Beckett recognizes her as Jennifer Cooper, she stands up and, before she has the chance to walk towards the woman, she rushes towards the detective.

Kate had intended to take Mrs. Cooper to the waiting area, but it seems like the woman has other ideas. She walks towards the detective's desk, and extends her hand. "Hi, I'm Jennifer Cooper. I- I'm here to meet Detective Ryan?"

"I'm Detective Beckett," she shakes the other woman's hand as she tries to maintain her professionalism and not just take her into her arms. The reddened eyes and dark bags under them are clear indicators that she's been crying and she hasn't gotten much sleep in the last couple of days. "Detective Ryan is out right now, but he'll be back soon. Do you mind waiting for him?"

"Uh, no. No. My- my sister is watching the kids. It's okay. I can wait."

Beckett nods, and a lump forms in her throat when she takes in Mrs. Cooper's attire. She's wearing a clearly oversized coat. It was probably her husband's.

Kate remembers that stage of grief. Actually, she feels like she was just in it 5 minutes ago, but at the same time, it's like an eternity has passed. Yeah, the past six weeks have basically been a blurry mess of emotions.

Now she's incapable of having her wait in the waiting room, so Kate looks around and walks to an empty desk to grab a chair, given that Castle's chair is no longer there. It was just too painful to look at it every day.

So she grabs a chair and sets it in front of her desk, where Mrs. Cooper sits down after muttering a soft "thanks."

"Y'know," she begins after a few minutes of silence, her gaze lost in the distance before she faces the detective before her. "You never think something like this is ever gonna happen to you."

Oh, Kate Beckett knows alright. And she can see that probably between taking care of her children and making arrangements for her husband the woman hasn't had time to dwell properly, and she definitely hasn't had anyone to talk to about it. So she nods, and silently let's her continue.

"It's like, you have all these plans… All these hopes and dreams, and… And suddenly you don't."

Kate can only manage to look at the tears that start to fall from the other woman's eyes for so long until she just has to drop her gaze to her desk and draw in a shaky breath.

"I- I'm so sorry," Mrs. Cooper starts apologizing, wiping the tears with the back of her hand. "It's just that… Well, I haven't been able to sleep much…"

"I understand," Beckett does her best to smile earnestly at the woman in front of her. She would love to be in a place where she could offer some words to comfort her, but she's just not there yet. So she just listens.

These last couple of days Kate's been working on trying to find the cheer of the season. Like, really tried. And it worked too.

But today… It's just not working. Especially not after her encounter with Mrs. Cooper. And the fact that they finally were able to catch the killer is not enough to lift her spirits, either.

But she made it through the day and now finally finds herself in the security of her car.

Or that's what she thought.

A few minutes into the ride, a Christmas song starts playing on the radio. At first she realizes she knows the song. She then realizes she knows exactly what song it is.

That's the moment when everything she's kept inside all day long comes rushing out.

I'll be home for Christmas… are the last lyrics she hears before turning the radio off and she tries to not let the tears welling in her eyes blur the street before her.

She curses New York's lack of parking spaces until she finally finds one just in time.

Once she's safely parked, she unbuckles her seatbelt in a rush, trying to relieve the constriction in her chest that's making it harder for her to be able to breathe. When that doesn't work, she bends over the steering wheel and hangs on to it for dear life as she lets the sobs rip through her body and tries to put in practice the breathing exercises Burke taught her to take control over panic attacks.

I'll be home for Christmas was her trigger? Seriously?

I mean, she understands the logic behind it all: Castle won't be home for Christmas, she spent a good hour remembering how unfair it is for anyone to go through all this crap…

Shakily, after recovering certain control of her breathing, she crosses her arms over the steering wheel and rests her forehead against them and closes her eyes.

Honestly, what pisses her off the most about this situation is not the trigger itself… It's not being able to control her reaction to it. Her ability to pack every single thing she didn't want to feel into a tiny little box in the back of her mind is not working anymore.

The way that Castle broke her walls, the personal growth she's had in the last couple of years, and maybe even the pregnancy hormones, are making it impossible for her not to feel the stupid stuff.

Not stupid; human, Castle's unburdened and ever supporting features appear against her eye lids.

She lifts her head and scrubs her face with her hands. That's not helping.

Except… It kind of is.

Later that night, Kate Beckett sits curled up on the couch, a heavy comforter keeping her warm, as she silently watches out one of the windows in the living room how the snow falls mercilessly over the freezing city.

Martha quietly makes her way to her daughter in law and comes to stand behind the chair Kate is seating on. She hands the brunette a cup of tea and Beckett looks up with a small smile to look at the redhead.

"Thank you," she says quietly, letting the hot ceramic warm her hands for a moment before she takes a sip.

"Y'know Martha… I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to do this.

"It's just that… My mother was killed, so was Rick… I mean, I've seen the worst in people. I see the world fall apart in a different way every day. My world keeps falling apart," she pauses, momentarily dropping her gaze to the ground before she looks back up. "And I already love my baby so much. How am I supposed to bring him or her into a world that's so fucked up?"

Martha nods slowly. She knows exactly what she's talking about.

"You just do," she says with a little smile, and after seeing that this was not the answer Kate needed, she elaborates. "I know you're scared, but that feeling… Well, you're a mother now. You'll be feeling that way for the rest of your life. And I know it's not easy, but it's also the most rewarding experience you'll ever have.

"Yes, the world is falling apart. It always is, since the beginning of time. But you know what keeps it together?"

Beckett drops her gaze again, but Martha walks closer to her and softly lifts the brunette's chin so that she's facing her. "Having children, making a family. That's what we're here for."

Kate gets up and wraps the other woman in her arms. "How is it that you all always know exactly what to say?"

"Oh, dear," Martha chuckles softly. "Richard wasn't the only one in the family with a way with words, you know."

That puts a smile on Beckett's face. "Yeah, I know."

Now, Kate's made a decision. She's having a nice family Christmas dinner with Martha, Alexis, her father, Esposito, Ryan, Sarah Grace and Jenny. There'll be plenty of delicious food, good family fun, amazing gifts for each and every one of them… And plenty of things to celebrate.

She might still be having trouble dealing with her feelings. She might still not be completely at peace with the fact that she won't see Castle ever again. She might still be clawing her way into the light…

But no matter what –for herself, Martha, Alexis, her family, for Castle, for her baby…– she'll make sure they have a White Christmas this year. Because they're all still here. They're still a family and that's all that matters.

AN: Thank you all for your kind words. They're always appreciated!