Sixteenth Entry
Operation Nora was a bust.
I had my moment and just when I gave into my rage and let Snow know why I hated him, just when I was going to deliver the final blow that would make him pay for all the pain he'd cause, I was knocked out by some explosion. When I came to I was surprised to see that he was carrying me on his back. I mean, I tried to kill him and he saved me. He said he was told to keep me safe, by both Lightning and my mom. He apologized for everything, even though he earlier said that all the apologies in the world wouldn't mean anything. He was wrong. I needed him to own up to what he did. Show some remorse and acknowledge the fact that he screwed up and cost my mother her life. I know he can't bring her back and a small part of me knew that killing Snow wasn't going to change anything either. But I needed him to stop running away from his guilt and face the consequences of his actions head on.
He gave me back Lightning's knife. There I was, riding on his back as he struggled under my ninety-eight pound manly frame, and he goes and gives me back the knife I meant to kill him with. Under those circumstances, you don't give the person who's trying to kill you their weapon back. But I guess he knew I wasn't going to slit his throat from behind or maybe he just didn't care and wanted me to do it to punish him for what he'd done. Regardless, I didn't kill him. All the rage I felt towards him, all that hate, was gone. If anything, I felt sorry for the guy for carrying around so much guilt and pretending he didn't have a problem in the world except obsessing over Lightning's dead popsicle sister.
Snow said that he would make it up to me. To give him time and if what he did didn't satisfy me then he would take whatever punishment I could dish out. I told him that it wasn't necessary. What can he do anyway? He could be my ride for life since piggyback rides are my preferred mode of travel anyway, but that's not going to cut it. Deep down, I just want him to take the blame. I told him that hurting him, killing him, was the drive that kept me fighting and now that I don't have that I just don't know what to do. He said I should keep going. Keep fighting even if my drive is my resentment towards him. I don't knnow if I want to kill him anymore when he practically dragged himself on his hands and knees to carry me when I was perfectly capable of walking on my own. It was so sad it was almost cute (I said almost cute, because I don't like him like that since I really like girls.)
But he did give me a lot to think about in terms of what I'm living for now.
Lighting and the strange woman from before, Fang, came just in time to help me fight after we were ambushed. Snow was adamant on protecting me even when he got tossed back like a rag doll. That was cool of him even though he almost died.
But I decided something.
I won't let him die.
Unless it's by my own hand.
Now that I think about it. Why shouldn't I keep going with Operation Nora? I know I told Lightning that it was over and gave back her knife (she hugged me [score!] and vowed to protect me. FYI I'm pretty sure this means we're totally dating now) but Snow would want me to kill him. He did say he'd take whatever punishment I had for him. So in reality, I'm doing what Snow wants and its obvious that Snow wants me to kill him.
But I won't do it right now. I mean, he's like a sick puppy right now. I couldn't do that to him. I can't rob him of the chance to experience me trying to kill him. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't do what he obviously really wanted from me? I'll kill him later. Or maybe I shouldn't? I mean, maybe he'll do something to make it up to me? I should just kill him. I don't know. I'm very confused right now. I don't know what my purpose in life is anymore and I don't know whether I like Snow with or without his shirt open.
I gotta go. We stopped for a bit to let Snow rest. He's pretty beat up and though I did offer to heal him since my medic skills are up to par with the best of the best, Lightning frowned and said Snow needed to stop being a punk and to walk it off.