Authors note:
To be honest, I really like this chapter. More so than others. This took me a while because I was trying to get into Kurt's character... I don't know. Anyway (: ...
Kurt's reaction:
Death is really hard for me. I know nobody likes when people die... It's just been a sensitive topic in my life ever since my mom passed away. When I was a little boy, after my mother died of cancer, I always tried super hard to remember everything about her, as I was falling asleep so that I could try to dream about her. But I never did. Well, I mean, I dreamed of her constantly. I dreamed of the absence of her; not the actual presence. Whether it was smelling a faint whiff of her perfume in the air that my dad probably sprayed, or the almost inaudible creak of a staircase upstairs to her bedroom, or even the way my father still continues to purposely tie his tie on wrong, how my mom tied it on him, because she thought she was right this whole time although she definitely wasn't. It's her, all my memories of her wrapped into my mind.
But my mother didn't die because she wanted to; she died because she fought so hard to live, she couldn't hold on any longer. It is completely the opposite with Rachel. Rachel killed herself. She was alone and afraid and she wanted everything to go away- so she overdosed on a bunch of pills and alcohol... At least thats what Finn told me how she did it.
I can't believe she would do such a thing, especially when her whole life had basically been mapped out since she was seven and she decided she was going to be a star on Broadway. I miss the little diva. Sometimes she can be a little too much to handle. But that's just because she was so ambitious, it blinded her from everything else. I completely understand. I knew she was being made fun of at school, but I never perceived it as bullying. I think that is because she has been treated the same way for as long as I can remember- like a loser, and she's such a damn good actress. You didn't even notice that she was affected by what you said to her until it was too late.
I can't believe not one of us could read the signs! I can still remember what she casually slipped into one of our conversations.
"Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?"
"No," I said.
"I do," she sighed, staring off into space.
I mean, if I had just asked about that. About anything. Maybe she would still be here! She wouldn't have felt like she was alone.
She was something special. God dammit, Rachel Berry. We weren't the best of friends... But we could totally have gone to some singing and acting college in New York together... I mean, it's what we both always wanted. To be on Broadway.
I'm really sorry, Rachel. I'm going to miss you. And I know I'm also a part to blame, since I didn't realize what was happening to you.