I broke up with Artie.

He called me an idiot. I never thought he'd be like that. I thought he'd know what it's like to have something keep you from being like everyone else. I never thought he'd throw that thing back in my face. I wouldn't do it to him. But honestly it's not why I broke up with him. I mean I was acting like one. Like a complete one. I know what Santana and me were doing was cheating. I know it was wrong. And I know he would have forgiven me for it. But I don't want to be forgiven. I want to feel guilty. I deserve it.

Santana made me feel better. She sang me a song. No one else was around except for the piano guy. But he doesn't really count. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. I asked her to come on FF2 so I could ask her to prom. She said she would. I was so excited. I thought that this could finally be it for us. That the two years of pretending what we were doing wasn't anything real was over. That hurting Artie wasn't all for nothing.

But I just got a text saying "I can't"

At first I was mad. But I realize I don't have a reason to be.

I can't force her to be with me. I don't want to. I want her to want to be with me. And I know she does. She's just scared.

I wish she didn't care so much about what other people think.

I wish there weren't people who cared about two girls being together.

I wish she could see how awesome she is.

I wish I was smart enough to figure out how to make her see.

People think she's a bitch who doesn't have feelings but if they would take two seconds to look at her, like really look at her, they'd see it's just her way of hiding who she is.

If people think she doesn't care it's easier for her to pretend like she doesn't.

Sometimes I wish I was a boy.

I think my life would be a lot easier.

I could just play sports and no one would care that I'm dumb.

I'd probably get more solos in glee.

Maybe Santana would hold my hand outside of our rooms.

I wish I could dance with the person I love at prom.

I'm sorry this is all sad and jumbled. It's how my brain feels.

I don't like it.

I wish it would stop.

AN: Hey guys! Not a new chapter, I just fixed the latest one. I have to upload from my phone cause I need a new laptop charger and just now realized it got all weird, sorry 'bout that.

PS this and the next Santana POV are the angstiest ones I promise.