Authors note: Warning: This chapter can be disturbing to some. NC-17 for violent situations.

Chap 18

Elaine lay curled up in her bed, exhausted from the morning's occurrences. She decided she would take a quick nap before breakfast, largely to quell her booming headache after her liberty with libations the night before. It felt so good to be so lighthearted with her dear friend yesterday. Things had been so very intense lately, here in Capellen. Her thoughts began to wander, particularly on her conversation with Angelique that morning.

I can't believe some of the things I told Angelique last night. I didn't realize how deeply I feel for Erik. But why? I don't really know anything about him. He does not even know himself. But I feel he is so much more than he appears. I wonder if there is someone, somewhere waiting for him to come back home. I would be devastated if someone I loved went missing like that. Someone like him…I don't understand why he touches my heart so.

Her mind lingered on the times she had spent around Erik. She felt a connection with him. She could not explain the attraction.

Maybe it is just because he is the first man in years that I think I can trust. I feel he has been through so much, and has pain that runs deep. I know that feeling. Oh no.

She trusted no man since the episode in Paris. Covering her eyes, she lay on her back and her body tensed, Disturbing thoughts crept into her mind.

Not again, not now, I cannot handle it, my head already hurts to much.

Elaine got up and walked around the room holding on to the furniture to keep herself in the here and now. Once her memories took hold, she usually could not stop them; it was like a steam engine running through her mind. Things around her started to fade. Desperately, she tried to squeeze the images from her head, but the rancid pictures invaded her thoughts and dread continued to fill her chest as she was dragged backwards in time, away from reality into a nightmarish flashback.

They are out there waiting for you, little woman. They will find you again. You will never be safe; you can never hide from them. The next time, if you are lucky, maybe they will kill you. It would be better that way.

She sunk down to the ground, shaking, the world swimming in her vision. She felt cold, so cold. From her lips came a whimper, a soft cry for help, fear permeating her mind, making her skin crawl.

Your freedom is already among their spoils. They stole your determination and your pride, child. You don't know them but they know you. They know you very well. Especially that most precious. It is theirs now.

A palpable darkness fell before her eyes. She grasped at the bedpost and buried her face in the bed linens, scraping at the lace as if trying to save her life again. She began to cry audibly, powerless to stop the images parading through her mind.

All around me... godless creatures with dark, covered faces, menacing eyes, rough hands, grabbing me, covering my mouth, pinning me down. Where are they taking me? Agh, they bind me, their claws are digging into my soul. God help me, please someone help!

I can't see, it is so dark, so cold. Why are they so angry? Why do they hit me, growl at me? Why me? What did I do? Why? Oh, my god, no! Pain…pain…my face, my arms, my legs, my body; I hear grunting, laughing…my clothes…good God not that! NO!

Elaine was shaking terribly now, holding her arms around her legs tightly as if trying to shut them out, shield herself, trying desperately but failing. Her consciousness deep in her inner hell, her body convulsed with the memory of each horrifying shove into her. She felt it again and again, the ripping sensation, the burning of her own muscles as she struggled to stop them. The bastards took turns. Elaine felt physically ill. She leaned over her knees and sobbed between convulsions.

All I could do was scream. I screamed behind the hands that held my mouth shut, pressed my lips until they bled…then they let me speak. I begged, I pleaded for them to stop...the faceless men laughed and showed no mercy...I don't believe that they did it again...Four, there were four of them…no one heard me…no one helped me…

"Are you all right?" A low voice, outside her door questioned.

Elaine jumped, her mind brought suddenly into focus, into the safe present, her quiet room. The voice at the door dragged her quickly, mercifully, away from her inner torture. She stood slowly, still shaking, her knees weak and her balance off. Walking softly, she went to the door and opened it.

Erik. How did you know I needed to be saved?

A quick glance at Erik's expression was all that she needed to know what she looked like; a mirror would have been useless. His face blanched with shock, his brow raised with concern, his eyes widened.

Erik looked at Elaine's tear stained cheeks and reddened eyes.

Something is very, very wrong here with her. He shot a look around her room, to see if anyone else was there, and then focused on her face, searching her pretty features for an answer.

She stepped mentally away from her anguish and looked at him from the top of his dark, wet hair, and down his clean, neat clothes. He was like a breath of fresh air.

"Erik! You look great." Her attempt at a smile was a failure, and soon, she could not hold back her tears.

"I heard...you…uh. Are you…?" he babbled, tripping on his tongue. He had no idea what to say or do.

"No, I am not alright, Erik," She said, her face dropping and her hands reaching up to dry her tears. She was in too many pieces to feign normality with such short notice.

Erik just stood still and quiet in front of her, waiting for a cue. He thought about leaving, excusing himself from the discomfort of the situation. The obvious distress on Elaine's face would not let him leave. Her eyes rose to meet his. He knew she was hurting. He felt the pain in her eyes as if it was his own. The immensity of it shocked him.

"Do you want me to stay?" He said softly. It was the first logical thing that popped into his head.

She looked into his searching eyes He can sense it. He can feel it.

"Only if you want to, Erik." She said, sniffling and walking towards the bed slowly, glad to not have to be the one to talk first. He entered the room, no plan in mind. He felt that she needed him to be there. He shut the door softly.

It was a young girl's room, the room where Elaine grew up. She stayed there rarely, but had returned while she was taking care of Erik after his attack. She motioned to a chair and ottoman in which he could make himself comfortable.

Maybe it is good for me to concentrate on someone else other than me for a while. He thought.

Elaine observed Erik closely as he walked into the room and sat on the chair, putting up his broken leg on the ottoman. He settled in and turned to her, as if bracing himself. They sat together for several minutes in comfortable, yet uncomfortable silence. Elaine rubbed her face and smoothed her hair, collecting herself.

"I guess you are wondering why I was crying." She said with a calm she did not know was possible so soon.

"You don't have to tell me anything. It is none of my business."

"It is a long story," Elaine said, her soft eyes intense. "Can I trust you?" Inside, she felt she could. Revealing herself, and her darkest days would only make him trust her more.

You have always been too damn impulsive, Elaine. This too much information to reveal to anyone, much less a strange man.

"Yes, without question," Erik answered immediately. "Of course you can trust me. You saved me. I owe you my life, Elaine." His pale green eyes were fixed upon her, taking in every movement, every breath.

She felt a coolness float over her, his gentle, concerned gaze soothing her. She breathed and distanced herself mentally, beginning to walk slowly around the room. With a glassy look in her eye, she started to recite her story if she was talking about someone else. This was the only way she could do it.

"Let me see if I can explain it to you. It has been quite a few years now. I had always wanted to become a physician, but as you can imagine, that is difficult, being a woman. I had done well in preparatory school so I convinced my father to let me apply to The French Clinical School in Paris, his old medical school. My credentials were excellent, other than my gender. It took a considerable amount of arm twisting by my father and his colleagues to convince the Deans and Professors there to consider my application, but they eventually accepted me."

"I was overjoyed at the acceptance. I had been involved with medicine all my life, thanks to my father. I felt good about my accomplishment, it felt so correct. But nothing could have prepared me for what it was actually like. I was shunned and ostracized by my male counterparts. They were ashamed to have a woman in their class; they felt it was beneath them. I sat alone during most of the lectures, and I had to be exceedingly assertive to learn anything and have my questions heard during the didactic sessions. There were those who I knew did not mind my presence, but anyone who dared speak to me was ridiculed.

My work was good, however, and eventually I gained recognition from even my most prejudiced instructors. One even used me as an example for the others to follow. That favor brought me nothing but bitterness and rivalry from some of the male students."

She walked over to the window, pausing for a moment to look back at him. Erik had rested back in his chair and was listening intently.

Should I tell him about Kurt? Why stop now? Kurt is a big part of my life, in a way.

"I felt very lonely in Paris, but brushed away the ill feelings by delving deeper into my studies. Eventually, an older student named Kurt ignored the others and approached me. Kurt was from Stockholm and also found Paris to be particularly lonely. He initially had come to me to be his secret tutor. We studied together, and became friends."

"He was volatile and moody and at first I didn't understand why. I eventually discovered that he was inclined to indulge in drink way too much. Every day. All the time. That rendered him useless during the hours when he should have been studying. That was why he was not doing well, because actually, he was very bright. On a particularly festive night, after the first round of exams, our friendship took on a different nature. Our affair was tumultuous. He repeatedly pushed me away emotionally and physically, only to return, groveling, begging for forgiveness and comfort. Through it all, I managed to maintain the quality of my work, but his work began to suffer."

She breathed heavily and wrapped her arms around herself. This was the hard part.

"One night, as I was walking home, I was assaulted, attacked near the clinic by a group of men who had covered their faces with black hoods. They brought me to a dark, cold place and took turns… They…held me down and…"

She went silent and stared outside at a bird flying, as her body started to tremble uncontrollably. Her breath grew quick and labored. She was trying her hardest to hold it together, just for a little longer.

Erik held his breath, appalled by what he was hearing. He did not want to hear anymore, but kept himself still and silent. He was sickened by the thought of her being hurt like that. A rage started to build within him.

"They held my arms and legs and took turns …violating me…raping me. All of them…repeatedly." She could speak no more and closed her eyes, sobbing silently against the window.

Again the heavy silence blanketed the room. Erik could not move or speak; he was mortified. She eventually continued as tears rolled down her cheek.

"They left me in an alleyway, blindfolded, just a block from my apartment. Then is when I realized; they knew where I lived." She cried freely for a minute or two, remembering the terror she felt at that moment. Erik continued to stare at her, horrified.

"Kurt had found me later that evening back in my apartment in a terrible state, but was unable to help much because he was hopelessly drunk. The next day, he managed to take me to the magistrate to lodge a complaint. I explained my situation to the people in charge at the medical school. They allowed me some time off from my studies to 'recover'." She shook her head. "As if it was a god damn fever, could you believe it?"

"Anyone I talked to urged me to be quiet so as not to start a scandal. They wanted me to just try and forget the rape. How was I supposed to do that?" She grabbed onto the anger she felt, tears of frustration rolling down her cheeks. It was easier to manage than the pain and fear.

"With some trepidation, I returned to school after a week, only to find various notes in my books, and on my desk that convinced me that the assailants were indeed, fellow students. Unbeknownst to me, some of the male students had hatched a plot to punish me for my good work. I could not find out who they were. I could not continue on at the Clinic knowing they were there."

Goddamn bastards! They will pay! He thought, barely able to hold his ire. She opened a drawer and continued, her face saddened, withdrawn and tired. In her hand was a tattered note.

"To make matters worse, I discovered I was pregnant, and according to the timing, Kurt was the father. When I told him, he vehemently denied it, and pushed me violently away. Two days later, they found him dead in a dark alley on the outskirts of Paris. He had drowned himself in drink for the last time. It was a lethal dose of alcohol and opium, they said. He left me a note apologizing for his actions."

She carefully sat on the ottoman next to his leg and handed him the note. Erik caught the look in her eye; he knew it well. Shame. He read the note, written as if in blood by someone who could not see well.

Dearest Elaine

I cannot be the man you want me to be. I am weak. I did not protect you when you needed me to or help you in your darkest hour. The world is better off without me. You and our child, especially, my darling one. I did love you, Elaine, very much. I just wanted you to know.

Kurt

"He also left behind a wife and three children in Stockholm. I did not know about them until the plans were made for his funeral. I left Paris, devastated, and returned into the accepting arms of my father and Capellen. Six months later, Roland was born. I rarely left Capellan after that, and within the last year, I have not left these lands at all. I go into a panic if I even approach the gates. You see, Erik, fear has made this beautiful place my prison."

She had no idea what his reaction would be after her catharsis. She looked at her hands, wet with tears. She suddenly felt terrible about burdening him with her troubles. She could not look him in the eye. She leaned forward to get up.

Maybe this was a bad idea after all. I just want to run away and hide now.

Elaine felt a soft touch on her arm, then his hand wrapped around it, holding her arm gently. She looked up at Erik's face and looked into the most understanding, most caring eyes she had seen in years. His expression was solemn, his eyes soft. Her fear melted away.

"I am so sorry, Elaine." He said slowly, emphasizing each word. She wrapped her arms around herself and started to sob. She turned towards him and continued to cry as she leaned her head on his chest and wrapped up into a ball against him. The tears were tears of release. He understood.

He wrapped his good arm around her shoulder and held her tightly as she cried against his chest. With each tremulous breath, he felt her pain. It was difficult for him, he wanted to cry with her as her tears fell on his shirt. He held the rage that was boiling within him in check, just so she would not sense it. His heart was in his throat, and his mind went somewhere darker.

I see we both have our demons, Elaine. If I can find them, I will see to it that yours regret that they were ever born.