Chap 28A
The stagecoach pulled up in front of Capellen manor. Out walked a distinguished young German gentleman, blonde hair combed neatly beneath a black hat and grey suit just as neatly draped over a slender frame. His pale blue eyes looked out from gold rimmed spectacles and he squinted with the sun's glow. Haphazardly, he grabbed a few bags and laughed a little nervously as Jacque, the young manservant, politely tried to help him with his bags. He looked around with wonder and a smile on his face and told Jacque that Dr. Dyson would be expecting him. He was led into the parlor on the first floor.
The curious eyes of the young gentleman wandered around the room, arms folded behind, looking at the carefully dusted figurines, the pretty lamps and the paintings on the brocade walls. His eyes wandered over to the grand piano, lid opened, with several sheets of music on the rail. Neat stacks of music were lined up on top the dark wood above ebony and ivory keys. It looked as if someone was in the middle of playing, and had left abruptly. Picking up a few of the sheets of music, he was impressed to find it hand written.
These are originals…Hmm. The young man thought, marveling on the complexity of the music that he saw on the page. This case will be very interesting, indeed.
A few minutes after Jacques went to retrieve Dr. Dyson from the office, the older physician showed up at the door of the parlor, wiping his hands on a towel. He was dressed in his usual white shirt and suspenders, the attire that he used in the office.
"Dr. Emil Kroepelin, I presume. It is a pleasure to meet you, I am Dr. Conrad Dyson."
Dr. Kroepelin beamed boyishly, and rushed to Dr. Dyson with an outstretched hand. "Oh, on the contrary, it is I who am pleased to meet you." The men shook hands heartily. "I read all your papers when I was in school; you were my inspiration to become an academician. It is an honor to be here."
"I hope your trip was pleasant here. And thank you so much for coming to my assistance." Dr. Dyson said, motioning the man to sit in the nearby comfortable chairs. "I am impressed with your work as well. Especially on the theories relating to madness as a disease state. "
"Most definitely, I am particularly interested in psychoses and alternate personalities, mainly in children. Dr. Dyson, I have not been to Luxembourg often, but I see that what they say is correct; all the fairytales took their inspirations from this land."
"Yes, a beautiful country it is." He said, and then looked at the man seriously, wanting to get down to business. "Not often can one request a house call from one of Germany's most well-written psychiatrists. Obviously, you have read my letter about my…special patient. I am afraid I am in over my head on this one."
"Yes, yes. Sounds like a fascinating case…I had to come. But, forgive me for being forward, Dr. Conrad, but this area is not your usual area of expertise. Why did you not send the man to one of the clinics available to deal with the mentally unstable?"
Dr. Conrad looked at Dr. Koepelin with mild dismay. "I am become more of a country physician, however this rather complicated patient happened upon me, after a terrible accident about three months ago now. We found him beaten nearly to death. We nursed him back to health and he was staying here with us until he reacquired his memories. During that time, we got to know him quite well. I am afraid I have broken one of the tenants of our profession. My family and I have become rather attached to the man. I do not wish to send him anywhere, Dr. Kroepelin. I would feel as if I were abandoning a friend if I were to commit him to an institution."
Dr. Kroepelin leaned back and smiled, nodding his head in agreement. "We are humans first, Dr. Dyson, compassion is in our blood. It is inevitable that a patient would affect us in that fashion. All I can say is that he is a very lucky man to have you looking out for him."
"I am afraid that would be the only stroke of luck this poor soul has had."
"Yes, I remember some details… you were rather secretive; you said there were 'unique' aspects that make him an unusual case. Would you elaborate on that for me?" The young doctor took out a small notebook from his pocket.
"Well, first of all, he was born with a deformity that distorts the whole right side of his face. I am afraid that is what plagues him and has probably caused him much distress during his life. As God would have it, he was also born with the mind of a genius. As I told you in the letter, he is the composer of some of the most exquisite music I have ever heard. Over the weeks that I have talked with him, I realized he had gifts in the field of mathematics and language and literature…it was amazing. Even with all the powers of his intellect, he only recalled mere glimpses of his memories. It was as if he did not want to remember. I am afraid I have evidence that he was tortured in the past, and that he might have been somewhat of a violent scoundrel."
"Well that is worrisome. Well then, how was it that he did find his memories?
"I am unsure of the details, Dr. Kroeplin. My daughter, Elaine was with him when it happened, and has been rather quiet about it. She also knows him better than anyone else. They became friends during his recovery."
"I would like to talk to her about it if I may." He said.
"But of course. And just to let you know, she is a doctor in training herself, but her studies were…interrupted. Please, it is a long story and I do not wish to elaborate. In any case, you may speak to her as a colleague. She has been my right hand for some time now in my medical practice."
"You must be proud of her. I am happy more women are entering into the medical field as physicians; they add a refreshing perspective. Now I definitely would like to speak with her." He smiled, and then paled, hoping he was not offending her father. "In a purely professional sense, I mean." Dr. Dyson nodded, then looked at him with mild suspicion.
"I am hoping you can keep this meeting confidential."
"Without question, Dr. Dyson. Where is he now? I would very much like to examine him…"
"I warn you, he has lashed out several times since we found him. It would be good if you keep up your guard. He is a very strong man."
Dr. Kroeplin pulled out a small case with a sheathed syringe and a vial with medicine from his bag. "They always are, Dr. Dyson. The insane always seem to have superhuman strength. One just needs to have some safety precautions on hand..."
The door opened and Elaine walked into the sitting parlor. Jauques had told her there was a young man waiting to see her father in the sitting room. She was intensely curious about him.
Dr. Kroeplin looked at the beautiful young lady before him. Elaine looked at the young man questioningly, but with a polite smile, then back at her father.
"Elaine, I would like you to meet Dr. Emil Kroeplin, the psychiatrist I told you about."
"Very pleased to meet your acquaintance Miss Dyson." He said, a little taken by her beauty, as well as obvious distrust of him.
"Hello, Dr. Kroeplin." She said, a little stiffly. Her eyes wandered to his hand, then flared up with anger when she noted the syringe. She glared at her father. "Could I speak to you in private." She said, the distinct tone of irritation in her voice. She walked to the door quickly.
"Any concerns you may have, please speak to me directly." Said Dr. Kroeplin.
She spun around and pointed to the syringe, and looked at her father with alarm. "What is that?"
"It is just a sedative, just in case I needed it. I have been told he was violent." Dr. Kroeplin tried to explain. Elaine shot him a look that made him stop mid sentence.
"He is not violent! Father! How can you do this? What does this man intend to do with Erik?" She said, hands forming into fists.
"Elaine, calm down." He said, holding her shoulders. "I assure you, he does not intend to hurt Erik. I would not allow it. But I did have to tell him what happened, for everyone's safety. He just wants to examine him. Remember, he is an expert in these things and came to help." Dr. Dyson was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable.
Dr. Kroeplin stood back, observing the situation and Elaine's reaction.
There is more here than meets the eye. There must be more than he is letting on, that is obvious to me. Maybe more than her father knows.
"Miss Dyson, please, let me explain to you everything I intend to do. I assure you I mean him no harm at all." He said to Elaine. He looked at Dr. Dyson. "Might I ask you where I can go for a drink of water? Suddenly, I feel parched." He said holding his throat.
"I will get it for you. Why don't you stay and talk with her now." Said Dr. Dyson, walking out the door. Elaine looked awkwardly at the man in front of her, but then, remembering her manners, invited him to sit in a nearby armchair.
"I apologize for sounding so rude…but you must understand what I thought when I saw the syringe. I thought you were meaning to drug him and take him away." She said, trying to save face. Dr. Kroeplin just smiled and nodded.
"I can see that you are close to him, Miss Dyson, how close is what I need to know." He said leaning closer to her. "I will not say anything to your father. If you have…a relationship with this sick man, Erik…your presence may help or may hinder his recovery. I have to try to figure that out."
"You assume much…" She said, realizing they had little time to talk before her father returned. "Correctly, though. We are more than friends. I care for him deeply. How could that hurt him?" He looked a bit disappointed then recovered quickly.
"It is complicated, I can't really explain now. I am just wondering if he is like this to protect someone; himself, you. When you are around him now, in his present state, do you feel you can make contact?"
"Sometimes I feel he can hear me…it is hard to explain."
"What was happening when he remembered?" He said, trying to get all the sensitive information as quickly as possible.
"We were talking, fighting actually. He was mad that I kept some information from him. He was telling me how important it was to remember. I gave him a ring, an engagement ring that he was wearing when we found him the night he was attacked to help him remember…do you know the details?"
"They really do not matter. Whose ring was it?"
"A woman in his past. A woman named Christine, I believe. I believe her memory is one that fills him with great anger and sadness."
"Has he mentioned her name since? During sleep?"
"No. He has said nothing since then. Dr. Kroeplin?"
"Yes, Miss Dyson?" Dr. Kroeplin was looking at his notes and the letter he received from Dr. Dyson.
"When you examine him, I would like to be there; I think I can keep him calm. And I will do whatever you think is best. I just want him to get better."
Dr. Dyson walked back in with a glass of water, happy to see that the tension between the two people in the room had lessened.
"I think we should go to see him now." Said the young doctor.
Several days before, Nate had lost patience with waiting for Erik to return, and formed a search party with hunting dogs on leads to seek him out. After six hours of searching, they found their goal. He was sitting in an uncommunicative, trance like state in the middle of a self made clearing in the forest, filthy and wet, chilled to the bone. They brought him back to the manor house, where Elaine, Nate and Dr. Dyson took turns keeping a vigil by his bedside. He refused help violently and mysteriously kept the window open, no matter how cold outside; it was the only movement he would make on his own volition.
When they all entered the room, Erik was sitting in the chair nearest the open window, blank expression and distant stare turned towards the horizon.
Dr. Kroeplin looked at him carefully, noting the deformity on his face with only a second of acknowledgement. He then looked at Elaine, who walked in and sat in front of Erik, holding his hand, telling him to relax.
The stare is not like one of catatonia, more like one being shut in. Why? By what or whom? He is reacting to our presence, I saw him tense up when we walked into the room. Her presence definitely had a calming effect. God bless her, that she could find it in herself to be with this man, a man with his issues.
"My name is Dr Kroeplin, Erik. I just want to check a few things, this will not hurt."
The psychiatrist tested his pupils, reflexes and even tried to get Erik to respond to him by calling out his name. His responses to pain, touch, and noise were blunted. As the examination continued, out of the corner of his eye, Dr. Kroeplin saw Erik's hand, once limp, turn into a fist.
"I think we are done." He said, not wanting to push Erik too far and have to use the medicine in the syringe.
Dr. Kroeplin leaned over to whisper something in Elaine's ear, resting his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it in a familiar way. She looked up at him and smiled. Elaine remained behind, stroking Erik's now clenched hand until she felt him relax.
Once back in the parlor, Dr. Kroeplin sat down with Dr. Dyson.
"Well, what do you think?"
"It is not truly a catatonic state; he is quite active within his mind. He responds to the external environment quite a bit, even if only on a physical level. He is closing himself off, but I do not know how much control he has over it. I think the memories that returned shocked him so much, he is having difficulty dealing with it all at once, and shut down emotionally. I have seen this kind of thing before, in patients who have been though severe mental or physical trauma, particularly children."
"How long will this last?"
"I have no idea. Neither does he, no doubt. Timing is hard to determine." Dr. Kroeplin looked expectantly at the door.
"I don't think he has much more time. He is starving to death." Said Dr. Dyson.
Elaine walked into the room and looked at the young physician with a worried expression. Dr. Kroeplin had whispered 'smile at me when I touch your shoulder'. It was a small test to determine how Erik would respond to seeing some other man getting close to Elaine. It had worked like a charm.
"What did he do?" said Dr. Kroeplin.
"He focused on you and me for a second. I saw anger then pain flash in his eyes after you left."
"That is a good sign, Miss Dyson. It means that you will probably be able to reach him eventually."
Dr. Dyson was lost. "What are you two talking about?"
"Nothing." They both said in concert.
"I just was wondering what he did after we left. It seems our visit made him uncomfortable." Said Dr. Kroeplin. Out of the view of her father, he gave her a wink.
She left the men to continue their conversation alone in the sitting room. Walking to the base of the stairs, she remembered how Erik looked at her before, that horrible day. How he begged for her forgiveness. Elaine looked up the stairs with new determination. She would try everything in her power to drag Erik back to reality, later that night. His life depended on it.
In the parlor, the younger physician got up to walk around. Dr. Dyson looked back at him.
"I know there is something between them, Dr. Kroeplin. I am not blind to that. Honestly, she is a grown woman. I cannot tell her where to place her affections." Dr. Dyson hung his head down, resting his head heavily on his hand.
"It just makes this whole situation harder." Said Dr. Kroeplin, caught off guard.
"You have no idea." Mumbled the patriarch.
Elaine walked into Erik's room later that night. She walked over to the window, open yet again. The room was dark and cold, the fine drapes flapping with the evening breeze, the room lit a gentle blue by the moonlight. She had seen him do it once, walking slowly and methodically to open the window. He would then turn around slowly and return to the same place he was in before he got up. The whole scene made her shudder; there was no awareness of his surroundings, and no acknowledgement of any one nearby. He walked like a man possessed.
She pushed the window shut most of the way, leaving only a small slit to allow some wind to blow through. She turned around, the shadowy form alerting her to Erik's presence in the far corner of the room, same blank expression, and same faraway stare. She approached him slowly, sadness in her heart. She had repeatedly tried to force him to eat or drink to no avail, he would clamp his jaws shut and purse his lips tight.
Slowly, she turned up a few lights. She sat on her heels in front of him, the only sounds in the air being the crunching of the carpet beneath her feet and the wind through the window. He was leaning into the corner, legs pulled up to his chest, his lips cracked and dry from dehydration, his eyes red. She could not help but to cry as she pleaded with him as she had for days before.
"Erik...please. If you do not eat or drink anything your body will suffer irreparable damage in a day or two. You will die soon after." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she held his hand, caressing it gently.
"Erik, please, wake up. Come back to me. I cannot bear to see you like this…" She massaged his long fingers, holding his cold, limp hand between hers.
This hand, those fingers were so alive just a short while ago. She thought, as she recalled the feeling of his hands stroking her hair, the feeling of them around her body, touching her tenderly.
"Erik. Talk to me, look at me. I don't want to lose you. I won't be able to handle it, Erik. I …" She could not bring herself to say it, something that important, not right now when he would probably not respond.
Erik, I love you. She projected from her mind. She wept and started to kiss his fingers, one by one, wetting his hand with her tears as she placed it on her cheek.
It was as if he was in a dark place with no doors or windows, but he could think clearly this small inner world. Every once in a while, a memory played his mind for him to see, and then the blackness returned, leaving him time to think about it, to process the information. This type of thing had been happening for days, while he was more or less unaware of his surroundings. His rational self, his voice of reason had taken control and locked out everything harmful from his consciousness, which included most of his memories. It also locked him away from reality. He always felt stifled, and with great effort, he was able to move his body to open the window, feeling refreshed by the cold air.
Sometimes he would become aware of the brightness in the outside world, like light through a far away window and he would see and hear, but be unable to move or speak. He could feel her touch and hear her voice, only hers. It was warm and drew him. Somewhere in the self-imposed darkness of his mind, became aware of his vision, as he had several times before.
He felt something warm and soft against his hand,and saw her weeping figure in his peripheral vision, shining like a beacon. He felt himself being dragged…
She has not abandoned me. She always comes back to be by my side, the gentle, compassionate soul within her hurting, because of me. My wretchedness.
She grabbed his other hand and held them in her small hands. He was wearing his, or Christine's ring, on the opposite hand now.
"Dammed ring. I should have never given you the accursed thing. I would not have, if I knew what it was going to do to you. Forgive me, Erik."
Over the past few days, she had been thinking about the fact that he probably loved this other woman. She knew Erik probably loved both of them and there was great discord in his mind as a result, just to add to his troubles. Elaine could no longer deny the way she felt about him; unfortunately, he would have to choose, just the thing she had been trying to avoid. She could no longer hide the way she felt.
She moved closer to him and stroked his face, staring into his blank, green eyes.
"I know you can see me, Erik, and hear me. I saw you look at me earlier today." She stroked his hair gently. She started to talk to him in a quiet, sweet voice…
"I remember the first time I heard you play, Erik, downstairs in the parlor. I have never heard such lovely music. And I remember how happy you were when I gave you the violin, you were positively beaming. I loved the song you wrote for me. Everyone here misses your music in the evenings, especially me. I took a walk to the Tower yesterday. The place is still as beautiful to me, but it was not the same being there without you. I miss you, Erik. You are in everything I see, everything I hear, everything I touch; you color my world so vividly. All I could think about was our conversation in the treetops, how you held me so I would not fall. I would very much love to fly again, to look out from the branches with your arms around me. I long to see life in your eyes again, Erik." She was stroking his face and touching his lips gently.
"Your lips are so dry…" she said, getting up to get a glass of water from the table. She would try, yet again to make him drink.
Within his dark prison, he was hearing her words of love, becoming louder and louder, nearer and nearer. He had smiled internally as led him to remember the tender, sweet moments they shared. As she got up his eyes focused on her, looking at her graceful figure before him. She was so beautiful.
She knelt back in front of him and slowly started to wet his lips with her fingertips gently. She did not notice his eyes focusing on her. Her fingers rested on her own lips for a second, her face showing sadness and longing.
She looks so sad. Why do I continue to make her sad? She deserves happiness, something I can never provide for her. He became aware of her scent in his nose, the faint scent of flowers…his eyes closed.
She set down the glass of water away from them and turned back to him. Slowly, she approached him and kissed his cheek, then held his face in her hand and pressed her lips to his.
The sensation of her warm, soft lips against his was magnified a thousand fold within him, her sweetness and nearness dragging him out of his prison. The need to touch her was too great for him to remain withdrawn… Slowly, his hand moved up and he touched her head gently.
She jumped at the touch of his hand against the back of her head, her eyes opening to see his eyes focusing, looking at her with adoration.
"Elaine…" He said, in a raspy voice, his throat dry from disuse. She gasped and breathed his name…
"Erik…Oh my God." She said, a smile on her face, tears coming to her eyes. She wrapped her arms gently around his shoulders and kissed him again, deeply. His mouth awoke and moved with hers automatically, lovingly.
For a few painfully sweet moments, he let himself be held by her, he let himself float in the splendor of her embrace, drowning himself in her kisses. His hand got buried in the softness of her hair, and his heart leaped within him as she leaned against him, her warm body waking up his cold skin.
After a kiss that felt like an eternity, she held onto him tight, feeling his heart beating against her again. She reached over and picked up the glass of water…
"Erik, please drink now…" She tipped the glass up to his lips and he drank it all quickly. She kissed him again after he was done for good measure. "Thank God." She said looking at him with a smile on her face. He could not bear to look at her anymore.
"God will have nothing to do with this devil." He said cryptically, in a low tone, filled with remorse.
He turned his glance downward, looking at her hands, and started to trace every finger gently with his thumbs. He raised each delicate hand, one then the other to kiss gently. He sighed and looked up again at her face, his face filled with sadness. Elaine became concerned at the change but did not budge…
"You treat me with familiarity, but you are with a different person now than the Erik you met before, Elaine. My sweet angel of mercy, you should not be flirting with this demon."
"What are you talking about, Erik?" She said, her voice trembling.
His face turned into a cold and piercing stare; how it broke his heart to see her shocked reaction. He grabbed her wrists firmly and slowly stood up with her. He looked away from her eyes now filling with fear. He cold barely make himself do this…but he was intent upon rescuing her…from himself.
"You must see the devil so that you may run…you must escape." God, it is going to kill me to do this.
Elaine stood in front of him appalled by the words coming out of his mouth. They were the words of a frightening outsider, not her Erik. Inside her head, the talk of demons and angels spun, confusing her. Her heart felt drained, as if it was being squeezed of all blood. She burst in to tears of despair.
His green eyes flashed hot with furious sadness. He held her wrists tight, starting to shake. "I have told you before, I cannot guarantee your safety around me, Elaine. You do not know me anymore. You unknowingly released memories that reminded me what a horrible, disgusting monster I am. I am not worthy of any consideration from you. And I definitely do not deserve your kiss…or anything else." he said painfully, through clenched teeth, his heart shattering with each terrible word. He was pushing away the only thing that made his life worth living.
"Erik, why are you doing this? Do not push me away again!"
He spun her around and held her tightly around her arms and chest, wrists secured, leaving her helpless. He struggled to contain his anguish, lest it show through and lessen his resolve, betraying his dying heart.
"Please, Elaine, it is for your own good. I…I want nothing more than to have you here with me, by my side. But I can't do that to you."
She felt his breathing irregular and labored against her back. For a second, she felt his lips brush her cheek, then heard him sobbing quietly behind her.
"It does not need to be like this, Erik. Talk to me, help me to understand what you are going through, I will help you. Please, Erik." She said, being careful not to turn her head. She did not think he could handle her tears right at that moment.
"No. I can't allow it." He said painfully. He released her and walked to the door, opening it. He stood with a stoic expression painted on his face, but his eyes were filled with despair. "Please. Don't make me force you. Go." He warned.
"I will go willingly on one condition." She walked to the door, and stood before him, eyes wide, her stance resolute and strong.
"What is it?" he asked, in a barely audible whisper. He could hardly bear to look at her, but her eyes drew his like a magnet.
"Promise me you will not let yourself die. You must get better. That is all I ask from you."
He looked at her, understanding the selflessness in her request. Her eyes were so intense and compassionate, like fire burning into him. He needed her desperately, but he had to push her away. He could not take that which she gave so freely.
"I agree." He said. Under his pained gaze, she walked out of the door without another word and closed it behind her.
He collapsed heavily against the door, his chest heaving in pain, sliding down to the floor weak, and spent emotionally. He felt empty and alone again. His entire being wanted to hold the one he had just rejected. His only consolation, his only light was that he genuinely believed he was doing what was best for her. If it destroyed him, so be it. It would still be worth it. He would do anything for her, even keep his putrid being alive like she asked.
She stood outside the door, then leaned on it, placing her face against it in the hope that he would feel her presence and the love she projected. She felt the vibrations of his labored breathing, and slid down to the floor, where she felt his presence the strongest. She shut her eyes, lips trembling, her heart aching because she could feel him hurting viciously, even through the unyielding wooden barrier.
All she could do, all he would let her do, is cry with him from a distance.