Chap 33

Elaine could not believe it. Erik was gone. She ran out after him, standing on the dusty road outside the gates of Capellen manor looking desperately in either direction for a sign of him. She saw a dust cloud rising from the road leading south.

She stood there for minutes, feeling like her heart was impaled. Stumbling to a large rock on the side of the road, she sat down and dropped her head, crying long tears of regret. After a few minutes, she suddenly remembered what she was holding. Erik's journal.

The least I can do is read about his life. Maybe it will help me to understand. How can I understand something like murder? It goes so against everything I do, everything I have worked for. I must try, I love him too much not to.

She wiped her eyes and her hands on her apron and opened it. She found it a little hard to read his writing at first. It was worse than the handwriting of a physician.

"For a man who can draw so beautifully, he has terrible penmanship." She said to herself. A second later, she was laughing and crying at the same time, like a crazy woman, wondering how she could think of penmanship at a time like this. She pulled herself together yet again and started to read the first few pages of his journal.

His ideas flowed beautifully before her eyes, once she got used to the jagged script. She loved his use of words, his mastery of language, his insightfulness and his humility. She felt close to him, inside his head, walking besides him as she read the story of his life. She felt his fear upon reading how he wondered if he would ever be able to accept himself, make himself whole, and she marveled at how he was willing to try.

Erik, you are stronger than you know, despite it all. You made it through the storm, only to face another storm, rejection from me. I am so sorry, my darling.

A hole formed in her heart and anger overtook her as she read about his childhood with his mother.

This atrocious woman, how could she do that to her own child, her own flesh and blood? A mask, from the time he was born. Good Lord, why did you let him go through this? Why? It was her job as a mother to love and comfort him, to nurture his incredible brilliance, make others accept him and teach him to accept himself, despite his appearance. He should have learned as a child how beautiful he actually is. She obviously never took a walk through a leper colony. Tthere is more beauty there than in all the courts of Europe.

She reminisced on her own childhood, and thanked her lucky stars that she was raised by a man like her father. She closed the book and cried into her hands again, anger flowing forth this time.

His life could have been so much better. Being a mother myself, I know that what she did to him was unforgivable. He suffered horribly in your hands, woman. You have much to answer for. I hope you eventually realized your terrible mistake. May you be rotting in hell if you didn't.

She was so involved in reading that she did not hear the carriage approaching from behind. It pulled up next to her and her father got out, alarmed at seeing Elaine sitting on by the side of the road, looking devastated. Nate joined him, jumping down as he jumped down from the driver's seat.

"Elaine, what is happening? Are you alright? What are you doing here?" he said, as she ran into his arms. She buried her head in his shoulder, crying quietly, her body quaking with emotion.

"Shh, my dear. It's alright, everything will be alright." Dr. Dyson cooed softly, stroking her hair. He held her until her sobbing ceased, and she turned to look up at him. He wiped the tears from her cheeks gently, looking at her with great concern.

"What happened, Elaine?" he asked. She looked away and walked a few paces from him.

"Erik. He is gone." She said. "I pushed him away, just when he needed me, I pushed him away…" She crossed her arms in front of her and stared to the ground below. Dr. Dyson put a hand on her shoulder.

"Elaine, he is a very complicated man with many problems, as you know. There are other things about him that you may not know." Elaine turned to face her father, her countenance serious. She cut him off.

"He told me about the people he killed, father." She had assumed correctly that her father knew about Erik's past, from their many meetings. Dr. Dyson raised his eyebrows in shock. Nate was listening to the conversation and his jaw dropped.

"I see. Is that when he left?" Said Dr. Dyson, recovering quickly.

"Yes." She said, looking down.

"Did you ask him to leave?"

"No, father. I just told him ….I just needed some time to figure out how I feel."

"Well, maybe that is what he is giving you: time." He said, sighing deeply. He did not want to think about Erik and his murderous past, and how much he would prefer his daughter not be involved with him. It was not the time to discuss his concerns; he just wanted to comfort his daughter at that moment, despite his dread. He could no longer act as if blind to how she felt about him. Elaine's feelings for Erik were as plain as day to see. Suddenly, he looked around him, and looked back at Elaine.

"Elaine, do you realize where you are?" He said, his eyes showing hope.

"What do you mean?" she started, looking around, wondering what her father was talking about.

"You are outside! Outside of Capellen! And look at you, you are not in the least bit scared!" He smiled and hugged her again. "I guess I know who I have to thank for this."

Elaine was filled with wonder, staring at the gates that had held her captive. Had she attempted to walk this far out of the manor before, she would be gripped with such incredible fear that she would return to the grounds immediately, as if her life depended on it, because of the severe panic attacks.

She walked forward a few steps. No fear overtook her. She turned around to look at her father with a small smile.

"It's just gone, as if it never was there." She said breathlessly. She breathed in deeply. She felt free, free of her fears for the first time in years. She looked south with new determination, holding her head high. A strange peace floated over her.

"I think I will just take a walk for a while, father. I have some reading to do." She said, looking at the journal, stroking the cover with her fingers. Her father looked concerned.

"Are you certain, Elaine?" Elaine had started walking already, pulling her shawl around her shoulders. She gave a small smile, and a nod. Dr. Dyson acquiesced.

"Please come and see me when you have finished your walk, dear. We have some things to discuss." He said, climbing back into the carriage.

She walked along the road, a mile or so, down to the little chapel at the base of the hill, the freedom filling her. How she wished she could share this wonderful feeling with Erik. She strolled into the churchyard and sat on a bench beneath a tree. She stroked the journal again and opened it slowly, starting where she had ended before.

Emotions played across her face as she read the nightmarish recollections of Erik's life. Her heart was heavier than it had ever been, there was a permanent ache wedged in her chest as she read the stories of shame, torture, desperation and pain. She had to stop several times and pull herself into a ball, crying uncontrollably into her hands. She would walk around the tree, sobbing, holding herself as she felt his anguish pass through her.

Oh, my God, Erik, why did you have to have all this happen to you? It was not fair, the epitome of injustice, so much pain for one person. I would have died long ago in that life. I am forever grateful that Capellen was here for you to experience. It has been my privilege and honor to show you a little bit of the love you deserve. You deserve so much more.

She sat against the tree on the ground, her hands shaking as she read about his evil doings. Even his honesty was brutal: he did enjoy it, to a degree. But she felt it was not the murder he enjoyed, it was the revenge. Retribution. She threw down the journal and shook her head.

How can I love a murderer? It goes against anything, everything I stand for. I provide healing, it is my purpose in life to cure ills, to keep death at bay.

She remembered a wisdom that she was once told: do not judge someone unless you have lived their life. She trembled as she forced herself to remember the one time in her life that she was treated like Erik had been treated for most of his life: the rape. She remembered the betrayal she felt with Kurt. As before, she shivered, held herself closely as she remembered her own desperation, pain, shame and terror. And hatred. Yes, she hated the men who raped her. She felt the anger build up within her.

I have but this one terrible memory to your hundred, Erik, and it nearly destroyed me. If those men were before me again, what would I do? I know. I would kill them. Yes, that is what I would do. And I would not regret my actions, not one bit.

That realization opened up her mind. She was ashamed of herself now. She shut her eyes and let the feelings of guilt flow through her.

He trusted me enough to show me this, his thoughts that he wrote down during his lowest season, his times of doubt, uncertainty and insanity. He came to me after he went through the most difficult time of his life, and I just pushed him away. I am so sorry Erik. I am so sorry I did not have the strength to stand there and hold you after you bared your soul to me, to kiss you and tell you I love you. I do love you, even though you have done grisly things in your past. You have done terrible things, most of which you are now regretting. Oh, please, Erik, where ever you are, forgive me my weakness. We are not that different, really.

She picked up the journal and read the passages about Christine. Now she understood how he felt, why he reacted to the ring the way he did, and why Christine's memory plagued him. She understood, though. She understood that he was just trying to ease his loneliness, find a bit of love in this big, strange world, something to soothe his soul. His actions were misguided attempts, he did not know any better, he did not think anyone would love him for himself. She read about how he let Christine and her lover go, and how he was sorry for how he acted.

It takes a sincere man to admit the mistakes done in the name of love.

She again felt guilt upon reading how he would never take a woman without her consent. She wished she could take it back, take back what she had asked him, that question that made him leave so quickly. As she continued, her heart filled with joy. She was touched by his words of love. Reading about how he felt about her, the sweetness stroked her heart gently.

Oh Erik…I long to touch, to kiss, to hold you against me as well. I knew it before now, I love you, despite what you have done. I thank you for telling me these things, being honest with me. I remember how you treated me; I know you will never, ever let anything bad happen to me. And I know that you love me. With you by my side I have nothing to fear anymore. I can only hope and pray you will come back to me. I love you, Erik. Please, please, come home.

Elaine walked into the graveyard, her mind in a blur, the setting sun making the square shadows long on the earth. As she walked along the tombstones, she stopped, frozen. In front of her was the statue, the angel with a harp that she remembered vaguely from the days that she would walk here with her father. She looked down to find her mother's name on the weathered stone. Her only regret was that she never met her mother. With melancholy and slowness, she traced the words, shedding tears for the mother she never knew.

COUNTESS CLEMENCIA ALANA DYSON
Loving wife, devoted mother.
Taken from us in youth, a gift to heaven.

After saying a prayer at her mother's grave, Elaine walked along the dusty road again, back home, path lit by the evening's glow. She held Erik's journal against her heart as she walked back through the open gates of Capellen.