Things didn't get any prettier. Three days later, Zaeed found himself backing up Shepard and Jack on a mission to Pragia, the Cerberus facility where Jack had grown up. Though, seeing the place, he thought she hadn't so much grown up as been forced up. No kid should have to go through this sort of shit.

At least he'd had a mother, he thought. Yeah, sure, she'd spent half her life in the bottle and the other half with Christ knows what men between her legs, but at least there was a roof over his head and food on the table. He hadn't had much love, but he'd had freedom – freedom to be a child, to grow, to explore. To find his own identity. Jack, fucking hell, she hadn't had a thing except horror and pain. Not to mention the unique guilt of being special, that others should die so that she could be made stronger.

He felt a shiver down his spine as he looked around at the cell where Jack had lived. Existed. Been held, like a prisoner, one who was tortured not for information but for progress. The word felt heavy in his head.

Jack had been talking to Shepard about her past, the memories she had of the room they stood in. Now she was silent, withdrawing into herself as they waited for the shuttle to collect them. No doubt preparing herself to set off the bomb they had laid, right there in the centre of her hell.

Zaeed couldn't help feel a certain bitterness as he watched Shepard watching Jack. She'd been a rock for the biotic, no doubt – perhaps the first person in Jack's life who had persevered with her, had wanted to listen despite being sworn at and dismissed as a waste of skin like everyone else. Shepard had tried so hard to make sure that Jack got her revenge on Cerberus, had her chance for closure, to deal with this place and the people who had fucked her up.

He wished Shepard had afforded him the same chance. It pissed him off to know that Vido was still out there – to think how close he had come after so many years, and to have missed him by seconds. He didn't want to deny Jack her vengeance, but fuck if he didn't wish Shepard had thought as much of him as she did of the biotic woman.

The thought ballooned in his head as they sat on the shuttle, watching the flames of the explosion bloom beneath them. It sat in his heart like a tumour all evening, driving him wild with the unfairness of it all.

Rage was a familiar feeling. It was, in truth, all that had really sustained him over the years. It stayed with him like an old friend. An old friend who stole all your fucking whisky and gave you a headache with their incessant talking.

He wanted to be alone with his thoughts, but Shepard typically chose that moment to walk through his door.

"Hey, Zaeed. You okay? Didn't see you in the mess at mealtime."

"I'm good, Shepard," he said, abruptly.

"Zaeed? What's up?" She frowned, looking down at where he sat in the corner of the room, legs crossed.

"Just need to be on my own a while, Shepard. No offence," he said, refusing to meet her eye. He knew that if he looked at her, he would say all the things that had been going around in his mind since they left Pragia. All the things that were still bubbling under his skin about Vido. He'd thought he was able to cope with it, that he was able to focus on bigger things, but today had shown him just how much he was still bothered by the failure on Zorya.

Of course, Shepard wouldn't let it go. "Tough day today, huh, seeing all the stuff they did to those kids?"

"Shepard. Don't take this the wrong way, but I couldn't give a fuck about those kids."

Shepard actually recoiled, her eyes opening in shock.

Okay, it wasn't strictly true. He wasn't that much of a heartless bastard. But right now, he was too consumed by the thought of Shepard caring more about everyone else than him, the thought of Vido mocking him, Vido living life to the fullest while he was stuck here, alone and bitter, on a stupid suicide mission to hell.

"What the fuck, Zaeed?" Shepard said, her head tilted to one side as if she was trying to read his mind. "What the hell happened today to get to you like this, if not the kids?"

"Fine, Shepard, you asked for it," he said, feeling the words bubbling up in his throat. "Just, you seem to go to so much effort to make everyone happy on this ship. Bombing entire facilities so that Jack can get some closure on the shit that's gone on in her life. Flying out to the back of beyond to help Jacob settle his mind about his father. Hell, you even helped Miranda out and you can't stand that bitch."

"I don't get it," Shepard said. "You're angry because I help people?"

"Yeah. No," Zaeed said, with a sigh. "I'm still fucking angry that you let Vido escape. That what mattered to me didn't matter to you."

"It wasn't like that, Zaeed, and you know it," she said, shaking her head.

"No? Because it fucking feels like it," he said, his voice rising. "You listen to everyone else, what's important to them, and you do it. You help them. What did you do for me? Let me see the goddamn bastard, and then made me watch him get away. More I think about it, more I can't stand the thought of it, Shepard."

"Zaeed. I understand that -"

She never got the chance to finish.

"You don't understand a goddamn thing, Shepard. You don't get that for the last twenty years I've been marking my own grave. I might as well have died the day those bastards shot me. Most of me fucking did."

He got up, began to pace around the room.

"Twenty years, Shepard, twenty years of living like a ghost. I never used to be a fucking miserable old bastard. I used to have plans. I wanted to make enough money to settle down one day, start a family. Stupid young-man dreams, you know. Fucking idiot. The only thing that's kept me here is the thought of revenge. I had it, right there in my grasp, after all that time. And you took it away from me. You've helped everyone else, but me – nah, fuck him. These random people are far more important. He'll just have to deal with it," he said, his voice beginning to crack. "Well I'll tell you something, Shepard, I am fucking sick and tired of dealing with it."

He looked up and glared at Shepard who was standing completely still, frozen with shock. Her eyes were wide and her lips were parted; she looked as if someone had slugged her in the stomach.

She blinked once, hard, and swallowed. "Guess I should have listened to you when you said you wanted to be alone. I'm sorry, Zaeed, for what it's worth."

"Worth fuck all to me while he's still out there drawing breath, Shepard," Zaeed muttered, as Shepard turned on her heel and left.