Chap 36
In the parlor of Capellen, two figures stand close before the grand piano. The only sounds heard are the sounds of happy tears. Elaine had closed her eyes and melted into Erik's arms, letting him hold her silently for several minutes. His voice, his song echoed in her mind. She felt his breath against her, the constancy of the sensations making her certain this, indeed, was no specter. She opened her eyes and slowly turned to face him.
She gave a little gasp in shock at seeing the white mask that obscured his face. Touching his unmasked cheek, she smiled at him, however. His pale green eyes danced over her face in adoration, a small smile finding its way to his mouth. His hand went to touch the tears from her cheek, shaking with emotion. She felt relief among other things at seeing him there, but strangely, she also felt a bit disturbed.
"Is this like the mask you were made to wear, when you were young?" She said, touching it lightly.
"No…that one was dirty cloth; This is like what I wore in Paris…. I altered this one, for the occasion." he said, trying to avoid unearthing the painful images of his youth. He quelled the evil thoughts running through his head by touching the soft skin of her face. He placed his finger under her chin and touched her soft, full lips. She kissed his finger and looked at him seriously, a combination of sorrow and understanding playing in her hazel eyes.
"You use masks to hide yourself from the world, like a shield. But it did not protect you. Erik, what terrible things have happened to you…" She said. He swallowed and closed his eyes. Her words of compassion and understanding warmed him.
"Elaine, I have also done terrible things." He said, unsure of if he wanted to get into this part of the conversation at that moment.
"You responded to their actions in kind, Erik. Your ability to make this mask appear beautiful does not hide the pain I can still see in your eyes with it there." She said, her eyes lowering. "You seem so…different with a mask."
"How so?" He said, troubled by her reserve. She looked back up to him and turned her head to the side, her brows furrowing, as if wondering what it was that unnerved her.
"It makes me feel as if I look upon a stranger. Like when you looked at me and did not know who I was. Remember, that night in your room?"
"I struggle to forget that awful night." He remembered it well; it was the night his memories returned with vengeance. They stood for a moment looking at each other in silence.
"It is past, Erik. Please…may I?" She said, putting her hand up to take off his mask.
Erik hesitated for a moment; he held her hand tightly. The old, familiar sensation of panic mixed with anger arose within him as he looked upon this, yet another woman who wanted to remove his mask to expose him. He pushed aside those feelings, knowing they were unwarranted. Elaine was different.
In her presence, the mask he now wore exposed him far more than being without a mask. It symbolized the shame he had to bear for all who could, would not accept him. How many people before did not have the decency to look past his scars and see the human underneath? How many people had hurt him and justified it by thinking him a monster, a freak? He had borne the price of shame in the form of whips and ridicule for years. His mask was a curse; it had poisoned his soul.
But, Elaine was different…He could trust her. He struggled to let himself allow her to touch it. Taking a breath in, he nodded. He felt the rush of air on his skin as Elaine pulled the mask away, turning to place it on the piano. He shut his eyes before she her gaze returned to him. He felt her gentle fingers against his scarred cheek. His body trembled.
"Now…" her soft voice said. "There is the Erik I love."
Those blessed words permeated his being and his heart swelled. His eyes opened, greeted by her glance. Her lips were curled in a sweet smile, her eyes relaxed and bright. Love was in her eyes; not pity, not guilt…love. He could not believe it, she actually still loved him.
"I love you so, Elaine." He gasped, feelings of relief filling him. His eyes grew full and he looked down. His hands captured both her hands, bringing them to his trembling lips to kiss. His heart was ready to explode with liberation.
"I am sorry I was away for so long. I was worried about how this moment would be…I so feared that you would not want to see me again that it has taken me some time…I…I needed to make sure I would be strong enough not to die on the spot if you refused me." The words tumbled out rapidly, without shame. Elaine caressed his cheek, leaning close to him.
"I am infinitely happier now that you have returned." She said, just before she pressed her lips to his. He had to hold back the tears trying to escape as she kissed him deeply, sweetly. His arms wrapped around her and held her close to him, thrilled to again feel her against him.
Their lips parted and their tongues entwined. He melted with the warmth of her touch, the beauty of her kiss. The passion flew between them as the world ceased to exist beyond them. He became lost in her, floating in her kiss, feeding on her strength. He wrapped his arms around her, his hands on her back relishing the sensation of her body. He lifted her up, her arms wrapping around his neck. She laughed that beautiful laugh and threw her head back a little, returning to his lips again. She held his face between her hands, showering his face with her gentle kisses. He set her back down on the floor and held her close, her head on his chest. They then sat down on the piano bench, facing one another.
"So…you did read the journal," he said, the expression on his face growing serious. He stroked her hand gently with his thumb. She smiled back at him sadly…
"Yes, I did. All of it." She squeezed his hand. "We have so much to discuss..."
Suddenly the door opened and a jovial, round man barged in…Elaine shot up and turned towards the intruder, a little irritated…Erik grabbed the mask and placed it back on his face. He sat brooding, facing away from the parlor door, angered by the imposition.
"Whose fantastic voice was I hearing a few minutes ago? Ah- Hello Elaine," said the loud man walking up to the piano in a rather unsteady fashion. "It could not have been you, it was a fine tenor…" he stopped short, realization finally slapping him in the face as he saw a man sitting on the piano bench next to where Elaine was standing. "Oh dear, was I interrupting something?" he took a long drink from his overflowing goblet.
"Well, actually Mr. Saliban, yes." Elaine said…
"I will be on the terrace, Elaine." said Erik, with a growl as he strode angrily past her out of the parlor. Outside he fumed, pacing back and forth on the terrace, struggling to control his emotions.
Damn! All I wanted was a few minutes alone with her! We have just been reunited! How dare he barge in on us!
He sat himself heavily on the banister, his anger finally abating. He looked back into the parlor and simmered, contenting himself with just looking at her. He stared at her through the glass doors, taking in every curve on her face, every movement of her body. The costume she wore accentuated everything that was so beautiful to him. He saw her talking with the man sweetly, laughing and nodding. He chastised himself for being so damn abrupt.
Look at her…a sweet, kind creature of light. There she stands, in stark contrast to my labile darkness. I am so undeserving of her graces. We are at a party; people walking about should not be surprising to me. I overreacted, yet again. She will grow tired of my inability to control myself, I know it. As she should.
She looked at him with a smile briefly during the conversation. He felt awful now, for making a scene and leaving her to pick up the pieces. He was just not good with social interactions. Luckily, Elaine was…
Elaine sighed as Erik walked out and turned to greet the rather round guest.
"I hope you are having a good time tonight, Mr. Saliban…" she said, approaching the man, giving him a friendly pat on the back. Despite her irritation, she had to play the part of good hostess.
"Oh dear, I seemed to have made your suitor a wee bit irritated." Mr. Saliban said, not daring to look where the rather tall, menacing man went. "I apologize profusely, Elaine…" he said.
"He is just a bit…shy, should I say, among other things. And yes, it was his voice you heard." She said.
"Oh yes, the reason for my unintentional interruption…By chance, do you know where he learned to sing like that?" he said, taking another sip.
"I believe he is self-taught, Mr. Saliban." She said. He lifted a brow in curiosity. He looked over to the piano and picked up the music sheets…
"May I?" He said. She nodded. He looked at the music and hummed to himself, walking around… he looked at the title…he turned to her, incredulous. "For Elaine…is this his composition?" He said, appearing impressed.
"Yes. He writes beautiful music. I do not believe anyone knows his work. In my humble opinion, I think he is gifted," she said, smiling. Saliban threw her a glance and continued to read the music.
"I would tend to agree with you, Elaine…this is a beautiful piece…" He looked at her with curiosity. "What else does he compose? I would love to see his portfolio. You know how I love to discover new talent." Elaine looked out at Erik.
"He usually composes operas, operettas, masses mainly. I know that would interest you," said Elaine. Mr. Saliban's eyes lit up as he nodded. He was the manager and musical director of the Luxembourg Concert Hall.
"Ah…Now I understand his reaction. These creative types are always a bit on the touchy side…mad as hatters, most of them. You just have to handle them with a gentle hand…But, I know, they can be trying. Elaine, despite my rudeness, do you think he would meet with me to discuss his work?" He asked. Elaine laughed, becoming excited for Erik.
"I will insist that he does, Mr. Saliban. But I cannot promise that you two will speak tonight." Elaine said, looking outside at Erik, who was now seated, arms crossed on the banister outside, looking rather unapproachable. She smiled at him anyway.
"That is fine. Any time will be alright. I look forward to it. I have next year's schedule to consider shortly. But I ramble …My apologies again, my dear. I must return to the festivities; it seems that my cup is empty yet again…" Saliban exited the parlor with a laugh.
Elaine walked out to the terrace as Erik looked at her from his position of brooding. He lowered his head as she approached.
"I apologize, Elaine. I did not mean to embarrass you. It is your house and your guests. It is just that I have not seen you for so long…" he was silenced by a gentle finger on his lips followed by her own soft lips. Her loving kisses again filled his aching soul. They kissed passionately until the need for air made their parting necessary. She pulled away a little, looking at his mask again.
"I suppose I must learn to accept many things about you." She said. "Like this mask…"
"I wear this for tonight's occasion only. I do not feel the need to wear a mask around you, Elaine. You did tell me there was no need to hide myself from you the first moment I met you." She laughed and kissed the fingers that were stoking her face softly.
"Oh…before I forget…our rude visitor was none other than Mr. Saliban- the musical director of the arts center in town…he overheard the song you sang to me…he would like to meet with you and discuss your work." Erik's eyebrows rose.
"Really?" he managed to say. His work, though voluminous, had been heard by precious few people outside of Capellen. No one had requested to hear or find out about his music before. His mind started to race. "I don't know what to say. Now I truly feel like an ass." he started.
"Now, now Erik. First things first. Meet with him sometime soon to discuss it. Give him a piece to digest. He is a pleasant gentleman, but a shrewd businessman." She said, stroking his face. She kissed his forehead as they held each other close again.
They both heard Elaine being beckoned from within the house.
"I must return to my duties as hostess, Erik. Come, I am sure everyone will be happy to see you again…" She moved away and took his hand, meaning to lead him inside. He pulled her back to him again, holding her against him. Every minute with her filled his heart, but he was too emotionally taxed to be able to venture into public again.
"No, Elaine…I don't think I can face anyone else tonight. I think I will just stay here, for a while, then I will head back and go to bed." He said. "Nate showed me to the river cabin earlier."
"Nate! That devil! He didn't even tell me you were here!" She said. "Oh, Erik, you have been traveling …you must be exhausted. We will talk more when you are rested up." She looked to the house, then back at him, not yet willing to relinquish her hold on him. "I am so afraid to let go of you just yet, for fear that you will disappear." She said, wrapping her arms around his neck and rubbing his back. Her sweet touch made Erik sigh.
"I promise, I go nowhere without you knowing ever again, Elaine. There is no place I would rather be than in your presence. I will be here, in Capellen when you next seek me. Now go, before they come out here and wrestle you physically from my grasp." She nodded but did not move.
"How did you know it was the night of the Ball?" She asked.
"Actually I did not know, it was just coincidence. I would have not come tonight, had I known. I am not one for events such as these. Too many…memories." She nodded and turned around, hearing her name again. She kissed him one more time and walked away swiftly, before she could change her mind.
"I will see you soon, Erik." She said. "And welcome back..."
He smiled as she walked away, feeling sad at her exit but relieved not to have to meet new people, to face everyone tonight. He walked slowly along the terrace, heading down the stairs, out to the lawn in the back of the house. All the sights meeting his eyes were familiar and dear. The fields, the winery, the little boat house and the water wheel. And there, under the moonlight was the path he usually took to see that tall, crooked old tree on the bluff, the Tower. Lovely Capellen was a welcome sight for him, especially after finding out that Elaine loved him. It felt like…home.
He turned and looked towards the south face of the house, the recent memory of his tangle with Montague coming to mind. The effortless transformation into his Phantom persona worried him. His heart became heavy with feelings of unworthiness.
He walked back to the River Cabin, mind in a haze, the moon lighting his way.
It took many hours for Elaine and the staff to send off the revelers and tuck in the guests, but finally, all problems were addressed and everyone was shown their accommodations. Angelique and Adolph had retired early into her old room at the manor house. Elaine made her way up the darkened, quiet stairs of her home and tiptoed down the hallway, pausing to give sleeping Roland a kiss before heading to her own room. She went about her routine, getting herself ready for bed. While she was busy with her duties as hostess at the manor house, she did not have time to think about the man in the River Cabin. But now, alone in the quiet of her bedroom, Erik was the only thing she could think about.
After changing into her nightclothes, she collapsed into bed with exhaustion. Her eyes did not close. Restlessness gripped her. Rising from the bed, she stepped softly up to the window, looking in the direction of the River Cabin.
I still can't believe it…he is finally back. He must be asleep by now. I have wanted to be with him from the day he left, and now all that separates us is just a short, trivial distance. Leaving him on the terrace tonight felt more than a little awkward.
She touched the pane of glass, feeling her longing to be with Erik growing unbearably strong. She ignored that urge, got into bed and pulled the covers over her tightly. She squeezed her eyes closed and sighed. A short time passed but still, no sleep dulled her thoughts. The ticking of the clock became maddening.
A few minutes later, exasperated, she threw the covers off and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. Within her head, she fought with herself.
Elaine, you have no plan. What do you want to do, just go there and watch him sleep? Wake up the poor man? Are you really that rude? God help me. I just want to be with him, to hold him. I thought that the promise of seeing him tomorrow would be enough but Ugh! I can't stay here.
She put on her cloak and tiptoed down the stairs. She left a note on the table just in case someone came to look for her.
Nate,
Be back soon. I went to check on our unexpected guest.
E.
She figured Nate would understand the message and know where to find her should the need arise. She walked into the unseasonably warm night, a breeze blowing constantly from the north. She walked along, fighting with herself all along the way. She turned around to go back home three times, preservation abounding as to whether she should go on or not.
Should I go? What will he think? No, I should go back...but...I want to see him...Now, when I get there what will I say? I was in the vicinity, so I decided to drop in? Ugh! You have always been impulsive Elaine, but this one takes the cake. Does he really feel the same way about me?
She desperately needed to know. Elaine knew that going to the river cabin tonight would abolish all innocent pretenses. There was no turning back after that. She had to be sure of her actions, to be fair to him. Erik was a passionate man filled with dark, deep emotions, who lived in a secret world of internal demons. Was she ready for this part of her life journey? His heart was in her hands; anything she did that was untoward would hurt him to the core. She took a second to compose herself, and then made her final decision. She would go to him tonight, and let what may happen, happen, damn the consequences.
She nervously walked the rest of the way to the river cabin, through the dark woods, anticipation making her stomach tremble. As she walked up to the cabin, a flash of something white near the river caught her eye; she looked that direction, but did not see anything more. She glanced into the window of the cabin. A few lamps were lit, but Erik did not seem to be there. A little bit of panic gripped her, but then she turned to look towards the moon as it hung over the river. Hopeful to find what she was seeking, she continued walking along the path that went towards the river.
It was well after midnight when Erik finally finished writing down on paper the song he had been composing in his head the entire trip back from Paris. He washed up and changed from his dress pants into loose fitting trousers, getting ready to get into bed. He unbuttoned his white shirt but did not remove it. He looked out through the window, the picturesque scene calling him. It looked like a painting; the moon was shining brightly, a thousand little lights playing in the water in the distance, through the trees. He felt the urge to experience the night, so he decided to take a walk in the moonlight.
Capellan felt so much like home. He walked slowly to the river, stepping up onto the large, flat rock that jutted out into the swirling waters. The breeze was warm, blowing his hair in circles around his head, making his unbuttoned shirt flap against him. He closed his eyes and smiled as the night music floated around him; the different animal noises and the leaves rustling, the wind giving off that hushed whisper as the babbling of the water played in the foreground.
The only thing that would make this better right now is her here, next to me.
He reached up and removed the mask that, surprisingly he still had on. He did not notice its presence on his face, after a while. In the past he had worn a mast almost constantly. He traced it, his brows furrowing with displeasure as he gazed at the curves.
I hate this mask. I do not like myself when I have this on. I feel angrier, more savage with it on my face. Funny, the mask I wore to make myself look more human has only made me more of a monster. The monster that I no longer wish to be. Can I change, really change for the love, with the love of a fine woman such as she? Is it fair to give her that cross to bear? But, how can I subject Elaine to me; not to my looks, for that I know she does not care about. I am impulsive, moody, jealous, volatile and murderous. She deserves so much better, someone she can go out in public with. Can I really do this to her? Condemn her to being with me? Do I really love her enough to do what is right for her? I really should leave her. Am I strong enough to make the right decision when it comes to her? No, not now definitely not right now. I need her now. The problem is that I will need her always.
He wiped at the tears running down his face with his shirtsleeve. Angrily, he wound himself up and threw the mask, threw the trappings of his previous life far over the wide river. It landed with a splash in the churning waters. He looked at the place it had landed long after it had been swept away by the current.
Why do things have to be so complicated with me? It is quite simple. I love her, and she loves me. What is so wrong about that? Am I not supposed to have love in this lifetime? Am I supposed to punish myself by not accepting her affections, because of what I did so long ago? Alright, not so long ago… Good lord, she is the first woman who I have said I love you to who said it back to me and meant it. I still cant believe it…she said she loved me. I know she does, I can see it in her eyes.
He walked back and forth on the rock, stopping to look down into the churning waters, the water reflected the thoughts boiling rapidly within him.
Why do I feel so unworthy? I have passion spilling from ever corner of my soul, it is in everything I write, everything I play, everything I see. Why do I feel guilty for wanting to love her physically? Ever since I left Elaine there, on the terrace, I have been yearning to feel her against me again. I am but a man, am I not? With manly urges? It seems only natural to feel this way, my body tells me so. I love her. I want to be with her, to touch her, to have her touch me... I cant even think about it, I get to frustrated. The only thing is, I don't know what the hell to do…imagine that, a man my age, filled with so much emotion, and I don't know how to make love to a woman. It is not as if I have ever been given any opportunity. I have read about it. Elaine did seem to enjoy my touch when we were in the hayfield…
"Ugh- why the hell am I torturing myself about this?" He said grabbing his head between his hands. He sat down heavily on the rock and rubbed his head, trying to clear his mind. He sighed and looked around, setting his gaze on the manor house. After a few minutes, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a figure coming towards him from the woods. He stood up, walking slowly to the edge of the rock, looking at the figure intently as it approached. It was Elaine.
Elaine approached the edge of the woods and saw Erik standing on the rock over the river. She breathed a sigh of relief and leaned on a tree, content just to look at him for a while. She analyzed his every move; his slender body was catlike and strong, naturally balanced and graceful. He was lit an unearthly blue by the moonlight. His long hair moved in the wind with his shirt. Sometimes a gust of wind showed off the lean, sculpted muscles beneath as he turned, completely unaware that he was being observed. She was in awe of him, basking in the beauty he had no idea that he had. To her, he looked like a river god of winter.
She knitted her brows as she saw the expressions on his face and saw how his movements changed with his thoughts. She wondered what he was thinking about as a little smile played on his face. A second later, he grabbed his head and dropped to sit down on the rock, muttering something to himself. He looked towards the manor house and sat still.
I think this is the appropriate time to let my presence be known. She thought.
She walked out of the shadow of the woods unhurriedly. He took note of her and stood up quickly, but approached her slowly.
"Elaine…" He said, with a look that she wished she could bottle; he was so surprised, and looked so happy.
"I could not sleep, Erik, knowing you were here." She said, taking the hand he offered her to pull her up onto the rock next to him. She smiled widely at him, his face still mired in shock. He smiled eventually.
"I could not sleep either. I am so happy to see you." He said, kissing her hand, looking into the woods where she came from. "I am glad you thought to look for me here, or else you would have thought that I had run off again."
"I did think that for a moment, but then I felt drawn here. I know you love the serenity of the river, this rock is your place." She said, holding his hand and rubbing it. "Aren't you cold?"
"No, the night is lovely. I don't feel cold, especially with you here now." He put a kiss on her forehead. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close sighing deeply.
"Erik, I want to thank you for letting me read your journal. I know it was difficult for you." Erik held her face between his cold hands.
"I just wanted to let you know everything about me. I wanted to be honest with you, and I did not think I could tell you those things. That would have been too difficult. It is not very nice, my life."
"If you let me, Erik, I hope to change that.¦" She said, kissing his cheek gently.
Her words made his heart jump within his chest. The thoughts of unworthiness he was having before came flooding into his mind. He held her close, his heart aching. He pressed his face into her soft hair, inhaling her.
"Dearest Elaine. I don't deserve you." He said softly, mainly to himself. She pushed away from him a little, a sad expression on her face.
"Now why do you say things like that, Erik?
"Because that is how I feel sometimes, Elaine. Being with me is difficult, that I know. I love you, and I can't imagine what you see in me." he said, stroking her face. "You are like an angel to me. I should not allow myself to be with you."
"You have love and passion, which is all I need from you. If you deny yourself my love, you deny me the chance to love a truly brilliant, beautiful soul. I am not an angel, Erik. I do not wish to be raised up on a pedestal, out of your reach." She said, rubbing his bared chest. Erik's eyes fluttered closed with the her touch. She kissed him, but then pushed away from him. She walked out to the far end of the rock, turning back to face him. He looked at her, puzzled.
"You have been honest with me, now I will be honest with you, Erik. I have a few confessions of my own. I am far from an angel. I too, have been a party to sins committed in my past, Erik." He furrowed his brows and looked at her incredulously.
"I find it hard to believe that you ever hurt anyone." Erik said. She bowed her head.
"I am ashamed to tell you this, but I believe you should know. One does not have to be brutal to injure someone else's heart, Erik. I have always been a very tactile, physical person, and that has gotten me into ...situations... in the past. Kurt was not the first man I was ever with. You see, Erik, I know my way around men. Well. I started partaking of the sins of the flesh ever since I was barely a woman."
"Was this when you were with Angelique at school?" He said, looking quite uncomfortable with hearing her revelations.
"She is not to blame, Erik. I behaved like that before I met her. It was like a game I was playing; an insensitive, dangerous game. It drove my father mad. I became involved with men, often much older than I, long before I had respect for love, and long before I understood the true beauty of physical love. To this day, I don't know why I did what I did, why I felt so compelled. My foolish games all ended long ago. Then I went to Paris, and, well, you know the rest." She said, tearing up a bit. She looked away from his intense stare.
"Sometimes I wonder if that is why I was punished in such a brutal fashion." She said, looking away from Erik as she started to cry. She suddenly felt cold; she ran her hands over her arms and she shivered. Seconds later, she felt Erik's arms surround her. She turned to face him, her eyes full.
"Don't say that, Elaine. You suffered needlessly at the hands of evil men; you did not deserve any of it, no matter what you have done." He said, looking at her intently.
"I can say the same for you." Elaine said. "You too have suffered needlessly at the hands of men. And women." He was quite taken aback as he pulled her into his arms. No one had put it to him quite that way before. He felt her hold on to him, almost desperately. He held her tightly until he felt her relax in his arms.
"There is a reason I brought this subject up, Erik. After what happened in Paris, I never thought I would be able to experience joy in a man's arms again. I didn't even want to try to become close to a man. So I didn't. I was too afraid." She said, starting to stroke his chest. "That all changed when I got to know you. The closer we became with each other, the less afraid I became. For the first time in too many years, I felt desire burning within me. I feel that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to feel that beauty again. I am in love with you. I want to be with you, Erik." She said softy.
His mind struggled to process what she said. She then wrapped her arms around him and kissed him deeply, her hands roaming, slowly, sensuously under his shirt. Her words sunk into his disbelieving mind. Her touch left no question as to what were her intentions. She wanted to BE with him.
That simple realization made his heart beat hard and fast within his chest as every inch of his body responded to her soft hands against his skin. He began to return her caresses. They smiled at each other after a particularly urgent kiss left them breathless.
"Elaine, will you stay with me tonight?" he said, his voice with a mild tremble. He barely recognized his own voice as he asked it.
"Should we go back to the cabin?" She said, her voice quiet.
She nodded, looking at him with desire as she slid her hand down his arm to capture his hand. Slowly, he lifted her down off the rock. She held his hand tightly as they made their way back along the path leading to the river cabin.