Shepard didn't ask him to come on her next two missions, neither did she visit his room. She nodded to him when he sat with her in the mess hall, polite enough, but he knew he had hurt her feelings by pushing her away that night.
It was Karin Chakwas who noticed, of all people. The doctor approached him one evening and asked for a quiet word. He followed her into the medbay in confusion.
"Doc, I hope you're not gonna be experimenting on me in here," he said, half laughing.
He stopped laughing just afterwards as she told him how she had patched up Shepard earlier after she had punched the wall in her room and fractured her knuckles. How Shepard had refused to tell her why she'd done it, but how Chakwas had seen the way she had watched Zaeed over dinner earlier and put two and two together.
"So, what's going on?" she asked, her accent sharp.
"No offence, Doc, but it's really none of your goddamn business," Zaeed said, embarrassed and defensive.
Chakwas tutted. "If our commanding officer is breaking bones up in her own room, if she's distracted on the field, I'd say it's all of our business, Zaeed, wouldn't you?"
"Just what the hell am I supposed to do about it?"
"Look, I don't know what you did to her, but whatever it was I suggest you sort it out or leave," Chakwas said, none too gently. "This isn't good for Shepard, and it's not good for the mission."
Zaeed felt his fists clenching, a wave of nausea rolling in the pit of his stomach.
"I will tell you this," he hissed, furious now and determined to defend himself, even at the cost of Shepard's privacy. "I have done nothing to her. She came on to me and I turned her down. I know that's goddamn hard to believe but there it is. What would you have me do, huh? Screw her just to keep her happy?"
Chakwas regarded him calmly, not remotely fazed by his temper.
"You're telling me you don't feel a thing for her?" she asked, raising one eyebrow.
"Fuck you, doc," he said, turning to leave.
"I think I have my answer," she said, wryly. "Zaeed. Shepard cares about you for God's sake. I have no idea why, but she does. Don't let your old hang-ups mess it up for both of you."
Zaeed paused, not looking back. "What would you know, old woman?" he spat, trying to hide the tremor in his voice.
"Tell me I'm wrong."
Chakwas shook her head as Zaeed stormed out of the medbay, knocking over a tray of supplies as he went.
He sat on a crate in the cargo bay, head in his hands. Thinking about what Chakwas had said, how close to the goddamn truth she was. Half of him wanted to go to Shepard right now and ask her forgiveness, half of him wanted to get off the ship at the next stop and never see her again, credits be damned.
Neither option seemed like it would fix anything.
He spent an hour disassembling Jessie, oiling the parts, reassembling. Trying not to notice how his hands were shaking, hoping he didn't damage the gun in his distracted state. Usually, spending time with the old weapon calmed him, took away the stresses and anxiety of the day. Today, it didn't work.
He sighed and let his feet carry him to Shepard's cabin.
The door slid open and he took a step forward, his heart beating so hard he could feel it in his throat. Shepard was sitting at her desk, typing an email. She didn't even acknowledge his presence.
He cleared his throat. "Shepard?"
She paused, her hands frozen over the datapad. "Zaeed."
Suddenly all his words deserted him and he stood helplessly in the doorway, fighting the urge to run.
She didn't turn to look at him, just sat as still as a statue, waiting. Seconds ticked by, feeling like hours. Eventually, she spoke.
"You here for a reason, Zaeed, or just trying to freak me out?"
He took a deep breath, forced himself to take a step towards her. "Fuck, Shepard, this is impossible."
"You're kidding me, right?" She finally spun her chair to look him in the eye. "We're trying to take down the Reapers, and you tell me that just talking to me is impossible? The hell?"
He flushed, his mouth opening like a fish. "It's not the same."
"Whatever," she said, pulling herself up to her full height and looming over him. "I don't even know why you're still here."
"Goddamn it. I acted like an idiot the other night, Shepard, that what you want to hear? If I gave wrong signals, I'm sorry."
Shepard gave a bitter laugh. "Wrong signals, I see. Loud and clear. You know something, Zaeed?"
He shook his head, feeling his fight-or-flight instincts kicking in, struggling to control them.
"Someone once said to me, a woman like you could take her pick of guys. Remember?"
As if it were yesterday, he thought, nodding his head. Could replay that whole conversation. He was just surprised she could recall it.
Shepard walked towards him, fixing him with a defiant stare. "Yeah, well Zaeed, seems you were wrong about that."
He felt his control fraying, felt his chest tighten. "Fuck, Shepard. I'm wrong about a ton of things, but not that. Not that."
"Then why?" Her eyes were suddenly filling with tears, of anger or humiliation Zaeed did not know.
Oh, God. He felt completely out of his depth. Give him a battleground, an assignment, a grubby nightclub and he would be fine. This – this, he had no idea how to deal with. He decided all he could do was to be honest, try and repair the mess their friendship had become.
"That's exactly the word I'd use too, Shepard," he said, tiredly. "Why. Why would a woman like you even give two minutes out of her day for a man like me? I can't give you what you need. I don't even know what that is."
"Who the fuck are you to decide what I need, Massani?" She was pacing now, long strides across her room from fish tank to sofa.
"You don't know me at all," he said, his voice low. "You think you do, but you don't. You know me as a soldier, and Christ knows, we work well together. We're goddamn galaxy-saving heroes. But this – this is something else entirely. I don't know if I can."
"What's this about, Zaeed?" She was surprisingly gentle, almost resigned.
He shook his head, laughed bitterly. Sank down on the edge of her sofa.
"Suppose I'll tell you a story, Shepard," he said, his head bowed. "Say there was a guy, young, well put together. Dark hair, green eyes, not quite model material but never went short of attention. Never from anyone like you, mind, but there were always women trying to catch his eye. Pretty great life this guy led, all things considered. Even met a girl one day, someone special. Saving up for the ring."
Shepard was silent, focused on his words.
"Attractive young lass, she was, brunette, olive coloured eyes like yours. Good heart, too. Made the young man feel that he was a better person for having her love."
Zaeed stood up, walked over to the fish tank and stared into its bright blue depths.
"Course, she never stuck around after he got shot. Neither did anyone else for that matter. Surprising how many people stare at you on the street, when you don't quite look the same as they do. Young man got used to it, though. Got accustomed to being not like them. To his relationships being business transactions. Cause, be honest, who'd want to subject themselves to the same fucking sympathetic stares as he got?"
He rested his forehead against the glass, closed his eyes.
"Nobody would choose this, Shepard. Least of all someone like you. Don't try to convince me you're any different."
He felt her lay a hand on his back.
"I don't want to have to convince you, Zaeed. I want you to be able to see it."
He was silent for a moment, the only sound the gentle bubbling of the tank.
"Christ, Shepard, you're the single most beautiful woman I have ever met, and not just for how you look. Even when I was younger… fucking hell, I don't think I would have had the balls to approach you. And now, now you're asking me to believe that this is, well, I don't know," he said, his voice hitching.
"Believe it, Zaeed."
She curled one hand around his shoulder, turning him to face her, his back against the glass. The blue light flickered across her face, making her seem like a magical being from an undiscovered world. His breath caught in his throat.
"Right now," she said, her voice steady, her eyes meeting his, "I really want to kiss you."
Shit. He felt the familiar panic in his lungs, the urge to get as far away from her room as possible. Swallowing hard, he allowed the fear to be overtaken by another feeling, one he hadn't felt for some time. Desire.
He nodded, unable to speak, and felt her lips against his, freezing his mind with the incredulity of it all. She was kissing him, this incredible woman, she was looking right at him and she was kissing him like he was all she wanted.
At first it was awkward, unnatural, his body taut and tense against hers. His lips didn't seem to do what he wanted them to and he felt as clumsy as a teenager with his first girlfriend. Before long, though, he relaxed – his mouth opening to her and feeling her exploring him with her tongue. In between kisses, she was making soft whimpering noises that shot straight to his groin.
Eventually they pulled apart, staring at each other as if they were strangers. In some ways, he thought, they were.
She reached out a hand, tracing her fingers across his cheek, following the line of his scar. He tensed, jaw tight and eyes closing, suddenly wanting to curl into himself and hide from her. He had never felt so exposed.
"Zaeed," she said, her voice softer than he thought he had ever heard it. "I've wanted to do this for such a long time now."
He shook his head, feeling as if he had a lump in his chest. "I'm not complaining, Shepard, but why me?"
She sighed, pressed her lips lightly against his damaged cheek near his mouth, where the scar began. "Lots of reasons, Zaeed. You know, you understand me, more than most. You know when to make me laugh and when to be serious. Nobody can change you, either – you are who you are, you have your own values and priorities and you're damn single minded about it, which can be as frustrating as all hell, but also I admire that about you. You're more loyal than you'd like to admit… and you're fucking gorgeous as well, which doesn't hurt."
"You're gonna have to give me about ten years to get my head around that one, Shepard," he said, while inside his stomach twisted into knots. Gorgeous, he couldn't even remember the last time someone had said that about him. And here it was, coming out of the mouth of the most amazing woman he had ever met.
"Let me try to persuade you in three," she laughed, peppering his face with gentle kisses.
He groaned and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him and losing himself in her embrace once again.