Trigger warnings: Self harm, suicide, depression and hateful thoughts. Seriously if these effect you then please be safe.
Silence is deafening.
Dan had never really understood that saying until now. After Phil had returned home from god knows where after about a week, he had hardly spoken a word to him. He was blatantly ignoring him. In retrospect Dan could hardly blame Phil after what he had put him through but he'd rather Phil be yelling or glaring at him every time he walked into the room than just being completely blanked like this. He literally had to make some sort of noise like tap on a surface or click is fingers just to make sure he hadn't actually gone deaf.
What was even worse, however, was the fact that Phil made it as obvious as he possibly could that he was, not just ignoring Dan, but avoiding him altogether. Dan would walk into the lounge and go to sit on the opposite side of the couch (he wasn't stupid enough to try and sit directly next to Phil quite just yet and wasn't about to push his luck either.) But the moment he had entered the room Phil had visibly tensed up and begun to unplug his Mac and made motions to leave. Placing the charger on top of his computer, Phil began to exit the lounge. Reacting quickly and without thinking Dan reached out and caught Phil's free arm in his grip. The atmosphere in the room changed dramatically.
"Phil...Please..." Dan whispered looking towards the motionless man imploringly. Phil immediately pulled his arm out of Dan's grasp and turned to glance down at him. Dan's eyes widened as he took in Phil's appearance. His usual flawless ebony hair now seemed greasy and thin and there were dark bags residing under his eyes. But it was Phil's eyes that made Dan's heart throb in pain. They looked empty. If eyes really are the window to your soul then Phil's seemed to be on vacation at the moment.
After sneering coldly Phil quickly walked away, leaving Dan with his thoughts.
Dan felt sick to the stomach and began to physically tremble. It was nothing short of what he deserved really wasn't it? This horrific silent treatment. He's surprised Phil hasn't just kicked him out already. The fact that he hadn't yet gave Dan some form of hope but not much. Standing abruptly he speed walked into his room, avoiding looking into Phil's open door and slamming his own shut. Feeling slightly miffed he kicked the wall at his own weakness and stupidity over his emotions before practically throwing himself onto his bed and curling up into a ball. Feeling the need to hear another human voice other than his own he pulled out his iphone and scrolled through his contacts before coming to the one person who might be able to give hime some comfort. He pressed call.
Ring ring
Ring ring
Ring r-
"Hello? Dan?" Slowly taking a deep breath he replied quietly.
"Hey Louise"
No wards followed right away as neither knew what to say to the other, both feeling the impact of the current situation at hand. Eventually though Louise broke the silence.
"How are you feeling?" She enquired, already knowing what the answer would probably be. Stretching out to lie on his back Dan replied.
"Absolutely crap. Not that that's surprising considering well, everything."
"Yeah I guess so" She sighed softly. "Has he spoken to you at all yet?"
"No...How about you?"
"I've called and texted but nothing...I guess he just needs more time to cool off I suppose."
"Louise. It's been nearly two weeks! He wasn't even here for that first week. I don't even want to think where he could've been"
"Did he not tell you where he was going?" Dan snorted humourlessly.
"The best I got from him was a text. Even when he got home I-" Dan abruptly stopped talking, feeling the lump in his throat from earlier return.
"Dan? Are you still there?!"
"I waited for what felt like forever for him to come back. I listened to what he said and didn't contact him but everyday and almost every night I paced so much around the apartment I can't believe I didn't burn a hole in the carpet" Dan all but choked out. Louise called out his name sympathetically but Dan continued nonetheless.
"Then when he got back...Louise I was so relieved that he came home I literally threw myself at him as soon as he'd closed the door. Then...The way he looked at me...The way he spoke to me...It felt so cold Louise...I just felt so...Hated" Tears silently made their way down his face and he restrained himself from sobbing into the phones speaker.
"Oh Dan...I'm so sorry...I know this isn't the best time and not to make you feel worse...But he might have understood if you had told him earlier"
"I didn't want him to know at all. EVER. Point blank. If it wasn't for that stupid prostitute I wouldn't even be in this position"
"Wait...What?!" Dan's brow furrowed in confusion before his eyes widened in realisation. He had let Louise believe he had told Phil and Phil had just confirmed it with her. No on mentioned the return of the prostitute at all. 'Shit'.
"Dan. Are you telling me that after all this...You've lied to me as well?!" Dan squeezed the bridge of his nose in defeat before replying.
"I didn't exactly lie Louise...I just-"
"You just let me believe that you had done the decent thing and told Phil the truth. I should have damn well known this would happen. Once a liar always a liar, right Dan?" She abruptly cut in.
"Louise! You know I-" Dan was cut off by loud crying coming from the other end of the phone line.
"It's alright Darcy! Mummy's coming! Sorry Dan. I have a child to take care of. Go sort your own life out and don't bother calling until you have. Goodbye."
"Louise! Wait-!" The line went dead.
After staring at the device for a few disbelieving moments he locked the phone he threw it towards the end of the bed, not wanting be near the stupid thing anymore. Especially considering the screen saver was a picture of him and Phil during happier times.
Clutching at his hair in frustration, Dan curled into a tighter ball than should be possible for a six foot something man and sighed. He just didn't know how much he could take anymore. Everything was just so overwhelming and he could feel himself slipping deeper and deeper into his abyss of loneliness and depression. It was all too much. He wanted Phil back and didn't even care in what way anymore. Friend, best friend, lover, boyfriend, whatever Phil wanted him to be he would happily be it. Anything was better than what they were right now.
Turning over in his bed, Dan's tired eyes moved towards his piano and he sighed. Practically forcing himself to stand, Dan slowly trudged towards the musical instrument standing dormant in the corner of his room
Dan flopped down into his infamous 'butt chair' and allowed his fingers to lightly glide over the piano keys. Sighing softly, he began to play a delicate melody and without even thinking began singing quietly to himself.
"Say my name, so I will know you're back.
You're here again for a while.
Oh, let us share the memories.
That only we can share together."
His singing progressively got louder which attracted Phil's attention. He slowly rose from his bed and moved to stand beside his doorframe, just out of view so he could eavesdrop without being detected by the younger man.
"We breath the air, do you remember.
How you used to touch my hair?
You're not aware, your hands keep still.
You just don't know that I am here."
Tears dripped from Dan's face and onto the piano keys, making his finger slip slightly on some notes and his voice crack but he carried on playing and singing with great effort. Phil listened on with interest and heartache as Dan continued with his heartbreaking melody.
"Say my name
These colours come alive
In your heart and in your mind
I cross the borders of time
Leaving today behind to be with you again
Say my name..."
Dan finished playing and closed the lid of the piano resting his arm gently upon the smooth woodwork and resting his head on his arm. He began freely sobbing and unaware of the source of his heartache standing right outside and hearing ever sound.
After what must have been about half an hour Phil poked his head out of the doorway when he heard nothing but quiet. The slow breathing and unresponsive form of Dan's body indicated he had fallen asleep against the piano. The mere sight of it makes Phil's heart melt and his expression soften. Because despite everything, despite all the heartache he had gone through he still loved him. He still wanted to hold him and kiss him and be with him forever. He just didn't know if he could forgive him. Sighing harshly he made his way back into his room. After about five minutes of searching he finally found the beautiful blanket that Bryony had made for him. Smiling to himself he quietly made his way back into Dan's bedroom and approached the sleeping figure. As carefully as he could he wrapped the blanket around Dan's shoulders and smiled softly at the sight. As gently as possible he placed a chaste kiss on the top of brunettes head before swiftly exiting to the lounge, pulling out his phone to call PJ.
Dan stirred when he felt a soft pressure on his head before it withdrew and shot up immediately at the sound of fading footsteps. Blinking away his tiredness he noticed a slight weight on his back and shoulders and reached behind him to pull the object into view. His breath caught in his throat when he realised what he was holding in his hands. Phil's blanket.
'Phil's...Been in here? He checked on me?' Dan thought in shock and broke out into a smile at the warm happy feeling which flooded his stomach. He brought the blanket up to his face and inhaled deeply enjoying the scent that could only be described as Phil. Hope flooding his veins he stood and made his way out his room, with blanket in hand, towards the lounge where he could hear Phil speaking to what sounded like someone on the phone.
From his position at the doorway Phil had his back towards Dan and was seemingly unaware of his presence as he let out a chuckle.
"Of course not PJ don't be ridiculous. I'd much rather date a pineapple than have to endure something as horrifying as that!" Dan smiled amusedly, not even wanting to think about what Phil and PJ could potentially be talking about. Suddenly Phil's smile dropped and his expression lost some of its contentedness.
"Not really PJ. I don't wanna talk about him" Dan's stomach instantly dropped after realising what the subject had turned to. Him. He strained to hear what was being said by PJ but had to make do with only half a conversation as he had no desire whatsoever to be caught eavesdropping at this particular moment in time.
"It's not that PJ I just...I don't think I can ever forgive him." He paused. "Louise? I'll talk to her eventually cause she was doing the decent thing and covering for a friend who needed it and I understand that. But Dan...He could have told me the truth. We're supposed to be best friends before anything else. I might have even understood if he'd had told me from the start but...PJ he stood there in front of both me and her and blatantly lied. How am I supposed to trust anything he says now?"
Not wanting to hear anything more Dan stumbled back into the corridor and leant against the wall, covering his mouth with his hand in an effort to silence his erratic breathing. Staggering towards his room he went straight to his wardrobe and threw most of his clothes out getting to what he was really looking for. The secret stash of alcohol which he had taken to storing when he was having a bad night and needed something to help him drift off to sleep. Not bothering with a glass he took a huge swig of the vodka he'd pulled out and cringed at the strong taste but took another drink anyways wanting to feel anything but the pain he was currently experiencing in his chest.
'Stupid Phil' He thinks to himself breathing unevenly 'He'll probably have told everyone what a worthless piece of cheating scum I am' He takes another drink and makes a disgusted face at the horrible taste. 'I'll have no one now. They'll all hate me. Whats the point anymore?'
Dan had quickly managed to drink away half of the bottle and was not feeling any better. He felt slightly buzzed from the alcohol but if anything that just enhanced his sadness. If anything he felt himself getting worse. Much worse. Like existential crisis worse.
"Oh god please, not now" Dan whispered in the empty room as he felt the usual depressive thoughts and feelings invade his mind and body. Squeezing his eyes shut he desperately tried to fight off the overwhelming depression but ultimately gave up and relaxed as it consumed him.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Worthless.
Who could ever love you?
You screw everything up don't you?
He started crying once more, pressing his hands to his ears trying to block out the unwanted thoughts and feelings.
Liar.
Cheater.
Unlovable.
He was too good for you.
Why don't you just die?
In Dan's hazy alcohol filled mind that didn't seem like such a bad idea anymore.
Half drunkenly, he blundered out of his room with Phil's blanket and the vodka still in hand. Dan silently closed his door and crept into the kitchen and pulled out whatever he could find out of their medicine cupboard and stashed them in his pockets. It would be enough to do the job hopefully. Hearing footsteps approaching he pressed himself into the wall and prayed Phil wouldn't come into the kitchen or check his room and see him either in this state or gone. He watched Phil pass by the glass door to the kitchen and sticks his head out of the door quick enough to see the ebony haired man enter his own room. Sighing in relief Dan realises he won't have much time to do this. Taking another swig of his 'dutch courage' he all but runs towards the bathroom, dropping the blanket in the process, and shuts the door behind him, locking it.
Sitting himself down next the bath he pulls out whatever he grabbed from the kitchen. In his hand he notices he'd even picked up a knife. When had he done that? Shaking his head he ignored the sharp object and began nimbly popping out each pill until had counted about forty.
'That should be enough right?' He thought to himself. He cupped his hand and placed the tempting tablets into his palm. He stared them down and could feel his body trembling at what he was about to do. He began a countdown in his head.
'Five' This is it. After this everything would stop and everyone would be happier.
'Four' Phil wouldn't have to bother with him anymore. He would be happy.
'Three' Sure he would find his lifeless body but he'd get over it. He hated him anyways.
'Two' But...What if he didn't hate him? He never actually said that right?
'One' He said he couldn't forgive him...Isn't that the same thing? Unless it wasn't...
'Zero' Phil wouldn't want him to do this would he?...He had to stop.
'Too late' Dan hadn't even realised he had already downed most of the pills and was washing them down with the vodka. He instantly begins to cough and choke. Cold fear runs across his whole body at the realisation of his actions. He has half a mind to call out for Phil and beg him for help. He nearly does. Instead, in his drunken and depressed state, he grabs the knife.
Just outside in the corridor, Phil leaves his room and notices the blanket just outside the bathroom door. He picks it up and turns to go but as he does he hears Dan cry out. Concerned, he throws the blanket aside and makes his way towards the door.
Dan stood against the sink and sliced a few times across his bare arm to test the pain and he cries out, biting his lips to try to keep quiet. Resigning himself to his fate he slowly brings the sharp edge of the blades up to his fragile throat and braces himself.
Knock, knock
"Dan? Are you in there?"
Dan's body instantaneously goes numb.
The door handle rattles as Phil tries to open the door. Dan hears him sigh from the other side.
"The door doesn't just lock on it's own Dan. Open up. What are you even doing in there?" This had to be the most Phil had spoken to him in weeks. It was so shocking that Dans grip on the knife loosened and it fell to the ground, making an unmistakeable clattering noise and sliding to the other side of the room. Both men were silent. Phil spoke up in a calm but panic stricken manner.
"Dan. Listen to me now. Open the door. Now." Dan felt compelled to obey the man but resisted shaking his head frantically until he realised Phil wouldn't hear him.
"F-Fuck off P-Phil." He chocked out leaning against the sink for support from the daze of both the shock and alcohol.
"I swear to God Dan I will kick this door down right now if you don't open it!" Phil all but yells, banging harshly against the wooden door.
"Just l-leave me alone Phil! Okay?! I'm a fuck up and I'm sorry but just go away!" Dan cries out slamming his fish against the sink in anger. Both were soundless for a few seconds before-
Smash
Phil kicked in the door. Dan might have laughed in any other situation at Phil literally kicking the door down like a police man but now wasn't really the time.
Dan turned to face Phil, breathing heavily. Phil stares Dan down, glancing towards Dans blood dripping arm. His eyes meet Dan's but Dan's attention is already back at the unattended knife which was practically calling out to him at this point. Phil glimpsed in the direction Dan was looking in and saw the knife.
"Dan,.." Phil breathes out looking at him imploringly. Dan looks at him for a split second. Then dives for the blade.
Phil simultaneously tackles Dan to prevent him from reaching it and the two men scuffle round the bathroom for a good five minutes, each trying to get the upper hand over the other and neither being prepared to lose. Eventually however, due to Dan still being intoxicated making him ultimately weaker, Phil had managed to straddle Dan and pin him down. Exhausted Dan relaxes in Phil's grip and Phil takes the opportunity to reach for the offending blade and slide it out into the corridor and safely out of reach. Being situated directly below Phil, Dan had no choice but to look directly at his best friend who was breathing just as heavily as he himself. Neither dare to say a word and just let their breathes fill the room. Phil's angry expression bore into Dan until Dan finally opened his mouth to speak.
"Phil...I-" He was cut short but Phil's mouth swooping down and claiming his own in a hard and passionate kiss. Dan's eyes widened in surprise but gently closed as he kissed back after getting over the initial surprise. Phil released his grip on Dan's arms and he brought them up to loop around Phil's neck to pull him closer. His suddenly felt water sliding down his own cheeks. Opening his eyes slightly he noticed Phil was crying whilst kissing him. He tried to pull back.
"Phil I'm sor-" He tried to mumble against Phil's lips but Phil took that as an opportunity to force Dan's lips apart and slide his tongue against Dan's own. Dan moaned hotly into what he knows now is Phil kissing him angrily and lets himself get lost in the intoxicating kiss, waiting until Phil stopped.
After a few more minutes of theirs lips gliding over each other and tongues colliding Phil leans away from Dan to wipe his face clean of tears. Phil stares down at Dan through the gaps in his fingers and finds Dan staring right back, both of them still trying to catch their breaths. Dan notices that his arm had stopped bleeding (he hadn't cut that deeply) but he had gotten his blood on Phil's neck when kissing him. He blushed slightly. Phil took a shuddering breath.
"I think...We need to talk" Phil smiled shyly towards Dan who returned the small gesture. Standing up Phil held out a hand towards Dan, which he gratefully excepted and was hoisted to his feet. In their close proximity Phil pulled Dan into an amorous hug and whispered gently.
"Don't do that again" Dan rested his head on Phil's shoulder in response and nodded slightly.
Both men began making their way towards the lounge but before they could even leave the room, Dan dropped to his knees clutching his stomach in agony and cried out. Phil whirled round on the spot and dropped down next to Dan.
"Dan! Dan look at me! Whats wrong?! Is it your arm?!" Phil asked frantically, grabbing the younger mans arm and searching for an open wound that was bleeding but found none.
Dan's eyes, however, widened in realisation. The pills.
'Shit, Fuck, no!' Dan looked at Phil pleadingly for him to stop the pain.
"Dan what's wrong?!" He reached out and held Dans face in his hands to get him to focus on him and not the pain.
"The...P-Pills..." Phil went pale.
"What...What pills?..."
Dan indicated towards the empty packets left in the sink which had gone unnoticed.
In an instant, Phil was hauling Dan up despite his protest of pain and half dragging him towards the other bathroom.
"You need to throw them up Dan! I swear to god you're going to throw them up. I will not let you die on me!" Phil shouted pulling Dan towards the toilet.
"P-Phil, wait" Dan stuttered trying to get the determined boys attention.
"No Dan! Come on! I won't let you d-"
"Phil!" Dan eventually yelled causing Phil to stop momentarily and look at him.
"...I love you...Phil."
The last thing Dan saw was Phil's shocked and tearful expression looking at him.
Then nothing.
Authors note: So...Been awhile. I...I warned you all this one would be dark last chapter did I not? Sorry about the delay on this one...It took awhile to write and it's completely drained me. Also University and stuff bleh. I hope no one's forgotten about this story...*offers cookies for reviews* Also please be kind. This was a hard one to write. Stay tuned for next chapter! You'll wanna know what's happened to Dan I'm sure...Also...This is the second to last chapter...Yeah.
On a lighter note! Please check out my new story 'Loves A Labour Never Lost' Especially if you enjoy being emotionally broken on the inside xD