Being a sexual assault survivor herself, Olivia seemed to understand Amanda's desperate need to be alone after recounting her story for the first time in years and left her alone in her apartment without protest. But not before making it clear that she was only a phone call away if she needed anything. Amanda had heard a lot of similar reassurances lately.

Sighing, she flopped down on the couch emphatically, exhausted physically and emotionally. She hadn't been sleeping very well, courtesy of the stress she had been under, and when she was awake she couldn't stomach the smell of coffee. Normally, Amanda loved coffee. Along with near-unbreakable emotional strength and the ability to compartmentalize, caffeine was what made being an SVU detective possible. But Amanda likely knew that the reason she hadn't been able to enjoy coffee lately was the exact reason she shouldn't be drinking it, or only drinking one cup a day. She didn't really know the rule about pregnancy and caffeine because she never expected to be pregnant.

It wasn't that Detective Rollins disliked kids or even was adamant on not having them herself, she just never actively planned for it. Some women just seemed to know that one day they would have a husband (or wife, now that she was in New York. Atlanta was still pretty hush hush on gay rights), but Amanda never really had the drive to settle down in that sense.

She didn't necessarily not want a kid, but she didn't necessarily truly want one either; and she figured that motherhood was an all hands on deck sort of thing.

She had to know for sure.

There was a tiny convenience store just a block from her apartment that she could walk to. It was sleazy and grossed her out and she generally tried to avoid it at all costs, but her panic-aided refusal to know was suddenly replaced with an all-consuming need to know if she was pregnant with her coworker's child or not as soon as humanly possible.

As she briskly walked out into the cold she immediately regretted not bringing a jacket, having frantically grabbed her wallet and nothing else as she rushed out of her apartment. Between her suddenly jumping up from the couch, running around the flat, and slamming the door shut, her poor Frannie girl must have been terrified.

Her owner was terrified, too.

She was going to have to testify against the monster who drove her away from her home in Atlanta, forcing her victimhood out into the open, and she about to find out if she pregnant with Nick Amaro's child. What if she was pregnant? What was she going to tell Nick? What was she going to tell Olivia? What was she going to do about it if she was pregnant?

All those were thoughts running through her mind as her shaking hands feebly grasped a boxed pregnancy test from the shelf in front of her.

Part of her wanted to abandon her message right then, and retreat back into not knowing. She could just leave the store and go back to sitting in her apartment, hoping that it was stress that was keeping her period away and a stomach bug that was messing with her digestive system.

But in her heart she knew that delaying the test wouldn't make the problem go away if she wasn't pregnant. She had a funny habit of pushing things down and trying to forget them, hoping that it would resolve all her issues. That's how you've gotten yourself into every mess you've ever been in, Amanda. She knew that for the first time since Atlanta, she needed to face the problem head on.

That conviction is what gave her the strength to take the test to cashier, albeit while avoiding eye contact, and to take it with her out of the store. On the way there, the cold had been bothersome and undesirable, but as she walked back to her apartment, it was almost as if it was cheering her on. It kept her walking quickly back to her home, forcing the air to gasp in and out of her lungs, and keeping her from breaking down on the sidewalk in unadulterated panic.

Two minutes.

Two minutes.

She couldn't even be in the bathroom while she waited. She paced back and forth in her living room, Frannie's eyes curiously following her every step, with her eyes glued to the timer on her phone? Was it even working? Of course it was, the number on the clock was going down with every second. But when did a single second become so tortuously long?

As she waited, everything she felt guilty for in her entire life ripped through her mind. Was this punishment? If she was pregnant, was it because of everything she had done wrong? She shouldn't have slept around in Atlanta. She never should have started gambling. She shouldn't have let Patton…

Amanda didn't believe in God, but she knew that Nick did. What if Nick was right? What if Catholicism was true and God was looking down at her, watching her squirm and antagonize over everything she could have done to antagonize said God? Was he real and laughing at her?

No, no. Amanda wasn't going to become religious because of this. Pregnancy was a natural thing that happens sometimes even with protection for natural, biological reasons. Amanda respected Nick's beliefs but she wasn't going to change her own to cope with whatever that damn test was going to tell her in twenty four more seconds.

Nick's beliefs. He was Catholic. They had never talked about it before, but he probably was against abortion. Did she want an abortion if she was pregnant? Not really, but she didn't really want to be pregnant either. She had so many questions and none of the answers-

Well, she had one answer. The shrill ringing of her phone's timer brought her out of her head.

She couldn't. She couldn't go look. Her life might be changed forever.

But if she was pregnant, her life had already changed, and it was simply a matter of when she decided to find out for sure. Taking a deep breath in, she summoned up the will she had in the convenience store. She was going to change; she was going to be a woman who dealt with her problems head on.

It was now or never.

Holding her breath, she walked back into the bathroom. Not looking, her hands fumbled around on the counter until she had the test in her hands.

3,

2,

1.

Pregnant. She was pregnant. In the back of her mind, she had already known, but she hadn't been forced to fully accept it.

She, Amanda Rollins, was pregnant and she had already lied about it to the child's father. Technically, she hadn't been 100% sure just an hour earlier, but she had been dishonest and she knew it.

Tears were streaming down her face as she went back to her phone, trying to figure out who to call. As independent as she liked to be, especially in times of pain and uncertainty, no fiber of her being wanted to be alone at that moment.

She knew Fin would stay quiet for her, or at least quiet in terms of his words. His fist would probably not remain quiet to Nick's face. He wasn't protective of her in the way to Nick was… used to be, but he was still her partner and she knew that he cared for her.

Her finger was hovering over the call button when her phone lit up and buzzed, alerting her to an incoming call. She wasn't thinking when she answered the call, or looking at the caller ID, she just needed to be talking to someone…

"Detective Rollins," she said weakly, not even attempting to conceal the crack in voice.

"Rollins, are you alright? I was just calling to tell you that it was hard, but I was able to get you approved as a witness. You'll be testifying tomorrow morning. It might be easier for you if we run through your testimony beforehand. I know Olivia sent you home, but-

"Can you come over?" she blurted it out, taking both her and Barba by surprise. She knew she needed to go over her testimony, but there was no way she could risk seeing Nick again that day. She knew she had to tell him, and possibly Olivia depending on what she chose to do with her predicament, but she just needed to be away from the two of them until the next day.

"What?"

"I don't want… I just can't go back today. I can't see…" she trailed off, dissolving into sobs.

"Rollins, can you hear me? Can you try to breathe for me? I'm going to send Olivia-

"NO, no… please just don't," she cried, desperately trying to regain so much composure. She was absolutely horrified that all her emotion was spilling out to the ADA, but her body could not physically hold so much emotion inside any longer and he happened to call her at that instant.

"Ok, ok, fine. I'll come. Just please don't do anything stupid Rollins, ok?"

"Ok," she sniffled.

"I'll be there in… wait. Rollins, where do you even live? I don't know where you live. Don't do anything stupid, God please don't do anything stupid. I'm on my way just tell me where you are."

She relayed her address to him and reassured him, albeit with her voice still unstable and wavering, that she would be alright until he got there. She felt guilty for scaring Barba so badly, knowing that given the only details about why she was falling apart, she would jump to some bad conclusions, too.

Author's Note: So I realize Barba would only come before in Carisi in who Amanda would want to talk to in the situation, but it's not really her wanting to talk to him, it's about her being an emotional volcano about to burst and him calling her at exactly the right (or wrong) moment. Also, who knows how much she'll tell him?