Rafael Barba prided himself in being an overall good person and a damn good ADA, but neither of those attributes were of any to him as she tried to figure out how to console his crying colleague.
This is why he had wanted to send Olivia over to her apartment instead.
But alas, Rollins had so ardently objected and the pain and utter desperation shooting out of her voice had hit him in his chest, piercing through his ever tough exterior. Sure he wasn't tough in the sense that Fin and Amaro were, but prosecuting special victims crimes required a certain kind of strength. One had to be sensitive enough to the victims' pain for the motivation to perform a job that routinely exposed him to the most heinous of horrors, but distanced enough to keep all the damage and hurt from flooding him.
Something in the crack of Rollins' voice would not allow him to keep his usual distance. In a weird way he considered her to be his friend. While he had grown closer to the detectives, he still was understandably a bit of an outsider to the group. But he had grown accustomed to the blonde haired girl's eagerness; she was the only one on the squad who could, on occasion, match his level of energy.
Seeing her tears flow down her cheeks and hearing the air harshly gasp in and out of her lungs was a little too much for him.
"Rollins," he called, hoping that she would acknowledge him for the first time since she had opened the door to let him in.
She didn't. Sighing, he tried again.
"Amanda."
Her head snapped up, surprised at hearing the ADA use her first name. The shock slowed and softened her sobs for a moment, allowing the man standing a few feet away from her to capitalize on her attention.
"Amanda, can I sit down on the couch with you?"
Noticing her gaze turn stone cold, he quickly backtracked.
"I'm not asking you because I'm treating you like a victim now, but because I was wondering if you were willing to talk now."
"I don't want to talk… I-I'm sorry I made you come out here. I knew you wanted to rehearse my testimony but I just couldn't go back in a-and you just called at the wrong moment and-
"Breathe, Rollins. We don't have to go through your testimony right now, but I don't quite feel comfortable leaving you alone," he said, sitting down on the couch so that there was still a comfortable distance between the two of them.
"I wasn't lying to you on the phone. I'm not going to do anything stupid."
"Good. You should never lie to an attorney, even when you're not under oath."
Amanda rolled her eyes but couldn't keep but chuckle at Barba's joke. He was certainly an interesting guy. One day, when all of the mess that was her life was a little bit more tidied up, she would let him know how much she appreciated him trying to make her laugh in one of her darkest hours.
"Can I ask you a question, Rollins?"
She didn't respond, just looking down at her hands folded up in her lap as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Still, she didn't say know, so Barba decided to press onward.
"Why were you so against Benson coming over? Not that I mind being here, but you know her so much better and I presumed that you'd be more comfortable with her."
There was no response again.
"Even when there's no judge to make you, you should still answer all of an attorney's questions."
"I want a lawyer."
Damn it, she was going to make this harder than it needed to be. He had heard from the other detectives that she could be very adamant about keeping her personal life private, but he had never seen her in action. Treat her like a difficult witness, Barba. Figure out why she's being difficult and go from there. And if that doesn't work, well then you'll have to subpoena her to the court of Olivia Benson.
But he didn't want it to get that far- he wanted to earn her trust, or at least some of it.
He decided to follow his first instinct. He didn't know Amanda very well, but he had a hunch.
"I have an idea," he said simply, earning a glance and a raising of an eyebrow from the woman sitting across from him.
"This isn't a fair game, right?" he continued, "I know some personal stuff about you now but you still know nothing about me."
"Barba, whatever game you're trying to play is not going to work. I'm not your witness… at least I'm not until tomorrow morning at ten."
"I'm not playing a game, Rollins. What if I tell you something that's hard for me to talk about?"
"That would be nice and all, but it doesn't mean I have to tell you anything."
"Fair enough. I'm just going to make us even."
"What, are we twelve again? I'm testifying against my rapist tomorrow, and you want to play some funny little game to be even with each other? Save it."
"Amanda, do you know who you remind me of?"
He took a deep breath. He never talked about her. Nobody in the special victims unit knew her story and he hadn't recounted it in years. He was only doing this because he sensed that Amanda needed his support more than he needed his security.
"I don't know and I don't really care," she mumbled.
"You remind me of my sister."
"You have a sister?" she asked, catching his eye with her glance finally free of animosity.
"I had a sister," he said quietly, fighting back the tears beginning to sting at the back of his eyes. She would always be a bruise on her heart and thinking her name would always hurt, but he had to tell her story without breaking down. Rollins needed his strength, not a joint crying session.
"I-I'm so sorry. What-
"Her name was Madalena. She wasn't my biological sister, she was the daughter of my godmother. But she felt like my sister. She was my sister. She was there for everything… we grew up together. She was the smartest person I knew, won all the spelling bees and was the only reason I passed pre-algebra. She was motivated, compassionate, and very driven. As I said, she was a lot like you. She was really going somewhere. She just had so much potential, but…"
"But?" Amanda prompted softly, the silence having grown uncomfortable. Her eyes were starting to water again, greatly moved by the aching love in every word Barba spoke. He was not playing a game with her, he was pulling the bandaging off a stinging wound for her sake.
"Madalena… Madalena had a problem. She was gay, which wasn't a problem in itself, but my godmother was very much a fundamentalist Christian. Madalena's mother was very vocal about how being gay was a sin. She didn't know her daughter was a lesbian, of course, for obvious reasons. My sister spent her whole life worrying about her mother found out. But she was brave, like you, and had a secret girlfriend and did whatever she wanted to do outside of the house. She felt so free when she was out from under that roof, that one day she decided that she couldn't do it anymore and so she ran."
"She ran away? And you never found her? You could always try again now. What with the internet it shouldn't be too hard to-
"Rollins, we found her. But we found her dead. Teenage runaways are especially susceptible to the sadistic rapists and murderers at large on the streets."
"Oh god. Barba, I'm so sorry. I had no idea… I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry and I know we tell that to families all the time and that it doesn't fix anything, but I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thank you, Rollins. I felt so guilty over Madalena… I thought that if maybe I encouraged her to talk to her mother more that she wouldn't have ran. The note that she left the night she disappeared didn't have an explanation beyond the fact that she 'couldn't do it anymore,' so in a fit of guilt I told her mother the truth."
"How did she react?"
"Her dad took over the funeral planning. Her mother didn't show up to her own daughter's funeral. Why do you think I do what I do?"
"Barba…" she trailed off, at a loss for words. How could a mother feel so callously for her own child? Her own child that died partially because she was not fully accepted by one of her own parents? Wasn't parenting supposed to be all about unconditional love?
Her hand instinctually went to her stomach. God, she was so damaged, but she knew that if she went through with the pregnancy, that she would love her child no matter what. But was love enough? Was she cut out to be a mother?
"Barba… I… if you still want to know, I think I'm ready to tell you why I didn't want to be around Olivia today."
He met her eyes, nodding at her for her to continue. His face was stricken with sadness, but also hopeful for her to open up to him. He was a good man, she thought to herself, this is a good friend to have.
"Barba, I-I'm pregnant. And I'll probably have to tell Olivia at some point and I've already messed up so much with her… and I know I don't have to tell her right away, but I just found out today and I just needed to not be around her."
Or Nick, but he didn't need to know that before Nick himself knew he had fathered another child.
"You're pregnant?" he asked, eyes widened and incredulousness clear in his voice.
That was the least thing he expected.
Amanda nodded, before fixing her eyes on the floor, suddenly feeling very embarrassed again. Had Barba really just become the first person she had told about her pregnancy? It was Barba. He had just confessed a huge part of himself to her, but she still didn't know if he was the best person to confide in regarding her predicament.
"Wow, everything seems to be hitting you all at once."
She shot him the iciest look she could garner up, before bursting into laughter upon seeing that damn patented Rafael Barba smirk on his face. He wasn't trying to piss her off, he was just being his usual smartass self despite the gravity of the matters they had been discussing.
Barba was still Barba, even in times of crisis. She never expected to find that so reassuring.
"You can say that again," she sighed, "but I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do."
"Olivia had mentioned that you got sick yesterday, but after you told me about what happened with Patton this morning I just assumed it was stress."
"Well that's probably not helping the whole eating situation. I can't even look at food."
"Hey! You need to be eating, Rollins. I did not work so hard to get your testimony approved just for you to pass out at the stand tomorrow!"
She rolled her eyes.
"I'm not going to pass out at the stand, Barba."
"Sure you're not. I hope you know that I'm going to make sure that you eat something before I leave your apartment today. Don't think I didn't notice your little dizzy spell that made Olivia send you home in the first place."
"How sweet of you," she said sarcastically.
"But in all seriousness, you don't have to tell me who the guy is if you don't feel comfortable, but is the father-
"He doesn't know yet. I only found out for sure right before you called me."
"Do you think he's going to support you?"
"I… I think he might have some strong views on abortion. But he's a good guy. A really good guy. Hell, he's definitely not perfect, but he's a lot better than I am."
"I, uhh, I'm glad then."
Sensing that they were now heading back into awkward territory, Amanda decided to bite the bullet and get back to why he was originally over at her apartment in the first place. Utilizing all her courage, she timidly volunteered to run through her testimony.
So they did, twice. She cried some more, but nothing like that unabashed sobs erupting from her chest when Barba had first come over, and they were both immensely grateful for that.
He eventually left to go assure Fin, Olivia, and Nick that her testimony was ready to go and that she was alright, all of them having witnessed him rush out the door calling out that he was heading over to Amanda's, but not before fixing her a sandwich.
She had to eat, because there was no passing out at his witness stand.
(Or just because he cared about her as a person and as a friend, but neither of them were into expressively stating those kinds of things, so he figured implying it with a sandwich was more than enough.)
Author's Note: I've always felt that Barba and Rollins would make great friends, so I decided to write that into this story. Also, Nick will be back in the next chapter.