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Beck woke up on a Sunday morning to find about six pages stapled together, next to his pillow, with a red sticky note on top of it.
'Here's that short story I was working on the day we met. I finished it. -Jade'
I.
Jessie is six and standing in front of black. That's all she can see- black hats, black dresses, black fingernails. She wants color, she wants someone to pick her up and hold her and whisper that everything is going to be okay. But that person is (was) her mother, and her mother is gone (and no one will even tell her why). Jessie's mother is (was) one of the two constants in her life; not like Daddy who 'works', or Uncle Mike who yells a lot, or Aunt Wendy who ruffles her curly hair and says 'hey sweet pea' but forgets their birthday every single year.
While Jessie watches the sea of black, she sits next to Amelia, her twin, her second constant, and holds her hand. Jessie laces their fingers together, a habit they have had for years, something that has always just been their thing. They have no secret handshake, no other hand gestures. Just this.
And that's all Jessie has ever known, really: how to make Amelia giggle, how to make Daddy angry, and how to sing and 'make believe'.
II.
Jessie is seven and singing a group song in a school play. Their elementary school was putting on the Wizard of Oz.
Amelia, Jessie's only constant, is watching her twin, swinging her legs in the front row of the auditorium as she sits in the uncomfortable plastic chair. Amelia is the only person allowed at the rehearsal that isn't part of the play. Amelia likes to draw; not sing or 'make-believe'.
Amelia makes funny faces when Jessie glances in her direction, and whenever Mrs. Louis isn't looking, Jessie will stick out her tongue or cross her eyes. They finish the scene they were working on for that day, and all of the children rush out the door, eager to finally go home. Jessie runs down the stairs and slowly walks toward Amelia. Their dad is never home, so they have to let themselves in, using the key under the door mat. She hates having to wait for him to get home; the more time they spend at rehearsal, the less time they have to spend waiting.
"Jessica, can you come here for a second?"
Jessie sends Amelia a terrified look. Mrs. Louis must have seen them making faces at each other. She walks back toward the teacher, pretending she doesn't know what she did wrong.
"Jessica, I think you are really really talented singer," Mrs. Louis says. It's at that moment Jessie realizes her teacher is smiling, not frowning. "Would you like to audition for the understudy of Dorothy?"
Jessie didn't audition for a part in the play. All of the kids who signed up were put in the chorus.
Jessie is seven (and 2 months) old, the second youngest after Savannah, whose birthday is 44 days after hers. Everyone knows that the younger kids don't get the main roles. Or even understudies.
"Sure!" Jessie grins. She has been playing 'make-believe' with Amelia since they were five, so she reads the lines Mrs. Louis wants her to,
Mrs. Louis grins, telling her that she just got the understudy of Dorothy.
Walking home, Jessie remembers when she was four or five, and Momma used to play the piano. It wasn't all the time, but whenever Momma sang to her and Amelia, it made them so happy. Momma didn't know how well she sang; it came from her heart and it came from her soul. Momma never sang in front of daddy, though. Momma said Daddy thought it was a waste of time.
When Jessie tells Daddy about the play, he rolls his eyes, making Jessie frown.
III.
Their elementary school is putting on the Wizard of Oz two nights in a row. Mrs. Louis informs Jessie that she is performing as Dorothy on the second night.
The entire time Jessie was onstage, Amelia was making faces. Jessie had to stare at other people so that she didn't burst into laughter.
While she avoided looking at her sister, she looked around the auditorium to see if she could find Daddy. She had told him about it, but he had replied with: "we'll see."
She should have known better. Amelia is her constant; Daddy isnt.
he Their elementary school is putting on the Wizard of Oz two nights in a row. Mrs. Louis informs Jessie that she is performing as Dorothy on the second night.
The entire time Jessie was onstage, Amelia was making faces. Jessie had to stare at other people so that she didn't burst into laughter.
While she avoided looking at her sister, she looked around the auditorium to see if she could find Daddy. She had told him about it, but he had replied with: "we'll see." Amelia's her constant and Daddy isn't. That's the way it's always been.
When the kids, still clad in their costumes, line up to take pictures with their parents, Jessie laces her fingers with Amelia's, and poses with her instead.
IV.
Jessie and Amelia's eighth birthday falls on a Sunday. The girls share a bedroom, and Jessie wakes up first, as always. Jessie stares at the ceiling, which was painted half white and half creme colored. Daddy promised he would finish painting their room back when Momma was still a constant. Daddy never even came home last night.
"Happy Birthday, Amelia," Jessie whispers, looking at her sleeping sister for a small second thinking 'she looks exactly like momma'. Amelia inherited Momma's beautiful dirty brown locks or hair, whereas Jade got stuck with her dad's hair, which was brown and curly and not that special.
"Happy birthday, Jess," Amelia whispers back, and Jessie realizes Amelia's been awake the whole time.
The distance between their beds is tiny, so Jessie reaches out with her hand. Amelia clutches it tightly even though she's half asleep.
IV.
Jessie and Amelia are separated in fourth grade. They walked into class together, and they were going to sit by each other like they always do, when Mrs. Sullivan walks up to them. "Don't you think it would be nice to make some new friends?"
No, Jessie thinks. She doesn't think it would be nice at all.
Jessie finds herself sitting next to Caroline Evans, who copies off of her work and asks her questions like "so you're the girl with the dead mom?" and "what's up with your dad? Why didn't he come to career day last year?"
Jessie refuses to answer any of the questions, and she counts the minutes until she can leave school. She stays perfectly still, and soon enough, Caroline leaves her alone and turns toward a different girl.
No, Jessie thinks, this is not nice at all.
V.
In the fifth grade, Amelia and Jessie visit Momma's grave for the sixth time since the funeral.
Daddy drives them to the cemetery, showing them the route, claiming: "I don't want to keep doing this. You two should know where your mother is. Visit her on your own time."
They hold hands as they talk to Momma. Jessie sings the song she got to sang in the school play, and Amelia leaves their mother a drawing she drew, of 'Jessie, Amelia and Momma' (and not Daddy).
VI.
Jessie notices Amelia stops talking and giggling like she used to.
Amelia talks to Momma, like Momma's still alive. Amelia talks to Momma's ghost. Jessie knows Momma isn't alive, but Amelia doesn't.
When Daddy calls Amelia 'immature', Jessie yells at him, calling him 'stupid
and mean'.
Jessie decides to protect Amelia, because Amelia's her twin and her best friend. She's her constant, and she loves her.
VII.
The fifth day of middle school, Jessie slaps Emma Coffield in the face.
"Jessica Williams," the principal shakes his head with a sigh. "I understand your anger, but violence is never the answer. I am aware that you were trying to protect your sister, but this action cannot go unpunished. Emma already apologized to Amelia, and she is expected to have apologized to Amelia by tomorrow. I expect the same from you. You are being sent home early, Jessica. I want you to think about your actions. Also, your spot in the school play is being revoked. I do not tolerate violence in my school."
"But Sir..." She trials off. Emma Coffield deserved to be hit in the face. Emma had told Amelia that she was being 'stupid' for talking to herself. But Amelia wasn't talking to herself; she was talking to Momma. Amelia had started crying, so Jessie hit Emma. It's that simple.
"I don't see what the school play has to do with hitting Emma. They are completely unrelated."
"I am sorry, Jessica. As I said, violence cannot go unpunished. You are not a bad, kid. Things like this will not happen again, are we clear?" The principal asks.
Jessie nods, wanting to leave the principal's office.
"The school left a message for your father. He should be on his way."
She thanks the principal, and plops into an empty plastic chair in the front office where she is supposed to wait for her father to pick her up.
Jessie wonders who is going to pick her up when the school realizes her dad isn't coming, and she wonders who Amelia is going to walk home with now that she won't be there to walk with her.
VIII.
"Jessie, that was amazing!" Amelia greets her at home. Jessie had informed the office of her situation, so they let her walk home by herself.
"Thanks, Amelia," Jessie says as her twin sits on her bed.
"I miss her," Amelia says, eyes drifting to the picture of their mother their keep on their bedside table.
"She would be proud of you," Jessie tells Amelia, because Amelia is definitely the smartest person and best drawer she knows, and this week has been particularly hard on them.
"We're visiting tomorrow after school right?" Amelia asks, making no indication she heard what Jessie said.
"Of course," Jessie replies, lacing their fingers together. They both stare at the picture, trying to remember the woman who, they both forget a little bit more each day.
IX.
The gravestone reads: Danielle Williams, loving daughter, wife, and mother.
Amelia speaks first; she always has.
"Hey Momma. It's been six years since you left. I get scared that one day I'm gonna wake up and just forget you. I hear your voice, and I know you're still talking to me. I'm terrified that one day I'll wake up and the only memories I have will be from photographs. I miss you a lot. Daddy does too, even though he isn't ever home. I love you Momma. Always."
Jessie tries to speak, but she can't. Suddenly everything is black. That's all she can see- black hats, black dresses, black fingernail polish. She remembers the funeral, the sympathy, the confusion. Jessie chokes, her throat clogged up and her brain filling with memories.
Amelia calls her name, but she stumbles away from the grave, away from her sister.
She's four years old, her mother laughing as she finds the twins covered in flour in the kitchen. She's five, sitting on the piano bench with Amelia and Momma, the two girls watching Momma pour her heart out as she's singing. She's six, and she's sitting at the pew with Amelia and Daddy. Nobody will tell her where Momma went, and why she's not with them.
"Momma," Jesse cries, and she forgets for a second that she's twelve years old, because she's only six, really. She can't grow up: growing up means leaving Momma behind.
Amelia hold her hand, and they stand there, crying for everything they've lost.
X.
Jessie thought that she would never have to sit in a sea of black again. This time, she's thirteen, and Amelia and Daddy aren't next to her.
This time, Amelia's the one stuck in the casket, and Daddy's the one who decided not to come.
Daddy didn't show up because 'Amelia looked to much like your mother.'
Amelia killed herself. Kids making fun of Amelia talking to Momma got even worse. They started shoving her against lockers. Amelia got really depressed; she took some of Daddy's pills and overdosed.
Amelia was buried right next to Momma.
After Amelia isn't her constant, Jessie decides to start wearing all black, all the time.
She figures maybe if she wears black all the time, she won't have to attend another funeral.
Although Jessie doesn't have anyone else to lose, really. She kind of lost Daddy the day she lost Momma.
XI.
Jessie finds a pair of Amelia's scissors while she was cleaning out Amelia's stuff.
Amelia was always making something; she was an artist.
Jessie keeps Amelia's scissors with her at all times as a reminder of her best friend. She starts buying more.
Kids at school assume she's turned goth. She starts acting angrier and she gets irritated easier. She glares at people more and wears a lot of dark makeup. She puts colors in her hair because Amelia liked to see color. Her school thinks she's creepy because she likes to wear black and she carries scissors with her. Jessie lets them think what they want. She doesn't care.
XII.
Jessie meets a short synthetically redheaded girl over the summer. Jessie is visiting Momma and Amelia, and she spots the redhead talking to her own gravestone.
"Hey, I'm Cassie," the girl greets Jessie.
It's weird; She looks like a bubbly person. She's wearing a pink floral dress, and her hair is bright. She's smiling, yet her eyes are filled with pain.
"My Dad," the redhead explains, nodding to the gravestone she was standing at before.
"My mom. And my sister," Jessie explains, pointing.
She sees Cassie three times over the summer at the graveyard.
Eventually, Cassie asks if Jessie will hang out with her outside the graveyard.
Jessie shrugs and follows Cassie to her house. It's colorful and homey.
They start talking about themselves, and they realize they are very similar. They become bestfriends.
Cassie is very happy, despite the death of her father. Cassie's like a breath of fresh air.
Cassie reminds Jade of Amelia: she's innocent and she needs a little protection.
The two girls attend the same highschool. People think it's weird that the perky redhead and the weird goth girl are best friends.
XII.
Jessie pours her heart into acting and singing, the way Momma used to. She does it for Momma and Amelia. She wants Momma and Amelia to be proud of her.
Her Daddy doesn't care about acting or singing, and she knows she can't change his mind.
During the first play Jessie is in, she remembers elementary school when Amelia made faces at her while she performed.
She smiles, and some people are surprised that the angry, goth Jessie Williams is smiling, but Jessie doesn't even offer an explanation. Amelia watching; she knows that.
XIII.
On the anniversary of Amelia's death, when Jessie is fourteen and a half, she drinks for the first time. Jessie's always been curious about what being drunk feels like.
Her dad isn't exactly a master at hiding liquor: he keeps his liquor shelf unlocked and fully stocked.
She gets drunk and lies in bed, staring at the blurry pictures of Momma and Amelia.
XIV
Sophomore year, things change. Cassie starts slipping away. Cassie befriends a boy named Ross, and spends a little bit less time with Jessie.
A new girl named Vivian joins their school. She's skinny and tall and brunette and Jessie hates her. She looks exactly like Emma Coffield, the girl Jessie slapped in middle school.
Vivian becomes friends with Cassie, which means, Jessie has to at least be in the same proximity as Vivian if she wants to stay best friends with Cassie.
Vivian starts getting the leads in all of the school plays. Vivian gets the roles handed to her; Jessie's had to work for these roles. She's had to practice, really practice. But no one seems to care.
Jessie starts drinking. She knows Amelia would probably scold her. When she drinks, she forgets about the seas of black, she forgets about losing Momma and Amelia, just for a second.
And it feels good to forget. Just for a little while.
XVI.
Jessie turns sixteen and gets a fake ID from some senior at her school.
There's a small bar near her house. Jessie shows the bartender her fake ID, and he lets her drink. She becomes a regular customer.
She has alcohol in her house,
But she likes the satisfaction of using her dad's money, the money she stole from him.
XVII.
Jessie's life has been full of black since she turned six.
But when she's seventeen, Jack Davidson comes into her life in a swirl of color and a little bit of annoyance.
Jessie figures this is where it all goes wrong: with him.
Beck had a feeling that this short story was more than just a short story. Beck had a feeling that it was all true. It was the way she wrote; it seemed too personal, too specific, too emotionally correct to be made up.
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Beck meets her for coffee a couple days later.
"So, I read your short story."
"You did? And? It was good, right?" She asked, smirking, making him smile at her confidence.
"Yes, it was good," he commented.
"Jade, um... was that supposed to be about you?" He asked, looking into her eyes.
He saw her look down.
"Er... Yeah. You weren't supposed to know that. How did you know that?"
"I just assumed. The main character's name is Jessie. Your name is Jade. You're a great writer, Jade. There was a lot of emotion in the story," Beck told her.
"Thanks," she croaked. He could tell she was trying not to cry.
"You know, I don't tell a lot of people about my mom. I don't trust a lot of people. I just tell people that she moved away. Only my best friend Cat know the truth."
He stayed silent, so she started talking. She felt like she could trust this boy.
"My mom died when I was six. She got hit by a car and died instantly. My twin's name is actually Amelia. She looks, I mean, uh, she did look nothing like me. She looked like my mother: blonde, curly hair. They were both beautiful," Jade told him, looking down.
"My dad had a hard time dealing with her death. He was never home. He was always 'at work'. Whenever he was home, he was drunk and angry. He never hit us though. My dad ignored Amelia, since she looked like my mom. He couldn't stand to even look at her. Amelia was eleven when she killed herself. She was being made fun of at school for talking to our dead mother. She talked to our mom's spirit or something. Amelia hated everyone laughing at her, so she overdosed. My dad didn't even show up at her funeral. He couldn't."
Beck watched as she talked. The way her eyes told him her exact feelings.
"Cassie is supposed to be Cat, my bestfriend. Ross is Cat's friend; he's so weird. Vivian is this girl named Victoria. I hate her. And Jack... That's you."
She took a sip of her coffee.
"Please don't tell anyone about this... I'm trusting you. And if you break my trust, you'll regret it," she tried to threaten him, but it just sounded weak.
He laced his fingers with hers, kissing the knuckles, and she started sobbing.
He moved to sit with her on her side of the booth, and she cried onto his chest. Holding hands was what she did with Amelia. Maybe now, if Beck was trustworthy, she could have another constant in her life. Maybe this time, her constant wouldn't leave her.
Just maybe.
•
That night, Jade and Beck made love, and before they fell asleep, Jade laced their fingers together.
"So, are we like, together now?" He whispered into her silky hair.
"Yeah," she told him, not giving him a choice. He grinned, falling asleep next to his girlfriend.
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