Hi everyone, I hope the wait was worth it. This is my longest chapter to date. The two warnings in this chapter are one Physical Therapy or PT session and Marley dealing with her pacifier(s). I know we did that last chapter, but because Marley has such a sordid past, things are done slowly. So it will take more than one chapter to cover a topic at times.
I hope you all enjoy this chapter and continue reading. Again, many many thanks to NayaFan, UnholyUnderBoob, and Beaner008 for all of their help and inspirations. Also thank you in advance for any reviews. Enjoy your week.
Three days later, when Kurt came back from the gym, he had a small box in his hands. "Santana, you got mail," he called out to her and she came out of the room, looking angry.
"No yelling," she scolded and then he heard Marley's cries, start to get louder in the other room.
"What happened?" he asked putting the box on the table and moving toward the bathroom.
Santana ignored him and went back to the bedroom. Marley was on all fours with a box underneath her belly and Joe was trying to get her to lift her right arm and left leg and she was having none of it. "Marley baby, you're not going to fall, we're right here," Santana tried. She was loosing her patience today. Any other client would have been spanked for such a tantrum. Hell, Santana herself would have been spanked, but she couldn't do that with Marley.
Marley shook her head no and continued to cry. Something was definitely wrong, but communication was limited and Joe sighed. "Santana you have to know I'm not causing this, she's just freaking out and she won't or can't tell us why right now," Joe said.
"It's not you, it's not even her, I know that, I'm just frustrated. I don't know how to help her any more," Santana sighed.
"Alright, cuddle with her, I'm going to think about giving her a different exercise for today. We still have some time, and she's done very well up until now," he said. He stood up and left the room and Santana saw Marley go absolutely rigid.
"Breathe with me sweetheart, you're going to have a muscle cramp if you don't," Santana coached and she got in front of Marley and started breathing for her. "Nothing is going to happen Marley, just calm down. As soon as you're calm, we will sit and cuddle."
Marley just cried. This was too much for her and she was never going to get better, ever again. Santana's heart broke and she carefully pulled Marley into her arms, rocking her gently on the floor, keeping her close and Marley just continued to cry. They were heavy, defeated, heart breaking sobs, that Santana thought would never stop. She carefully shifted her so they were chest to chest and Marley's head instantly went to Santana's shoulder and she tried to rest, but her breath caught in her lungs and she started to cough and sputter a bit.
"Shhh, calm down baby girl, you're okay. Mommy has you and Papa came home. You're very safe my love, I promise," she said and Marley just continued to cry and now hiccup.
Joe came back in and smiled. "I'll give you the choice Santana. I can back off on intensity, so that all her exercises for the rest of the hour are assisted, or I can give her the homework, to do for the next twenty four hours and we can try again tomorrow," Joe said. "Call me when you're ready," he said leaving them alone again.
"Marley, look at Mommy baby," she said and Marley shrieked, gripped tighter to Santana and pushed her head so it was facing inward. Santana's hair was down over her shoulders, and Marley was using it as a shield from the rest of the world. "Come on baby, it's just Mommy, we have to make a decision," she said kindly. "Do you remember all those days ago? Mommy will never ever make a decision for you about you. It's your life, and your body, so you need to be involved in the decision," she said. Marley shook her head no and continued to cry, gripping so tight to Santana, that she started shaking. "Listen to me very carefully baby. If Mommy makes this decision, you're going to have to follow through with it. No matter what I choose. Are you sure you don't want to be involved?" she asked.
"Mommy," Marley cried, shaking her head no again.
"Alright, well if Mommy has to make the decision, you at least get to hear your options," she said. "I know you say you don't care right now, but I don't think that's true at all and I will not go back on my word to you," Santana said and Marley wiggled a little bit, her body slumping down so that her head was tucked just under Santana's chin. Marley did this a lot and while Santana loved to cuddle this way, she was very concerned that Marley was doing more damage than good for her body. "Listen to me baby girl, there are two options. Mr. Joe is going to give you homework to do and I'm going to help you with it. That is option one. Or we can choose option two and Mommy and Mr. Joe, will help you right now and then you can rest the rest of the day. No homework and tomorrow we start fresh," she told her. "Do you want option one, or option two?" Santana asked holding up one finger and then adding a second. Marley did good when she was given fingers to point to and Santana made sure to always give her some sort of way to communicate.
Marley again shook her head no. "Mommy," she said sadly.
"Alright baby, well then Mommy is going to make the decision for you, and we're going to tell Mr. Joe that you and he and Mommy are all going to work together right now. I want you to calm down first though," she told her kindly.
It took ten whole minutes and before Santana called Joe back in to help with therapy, she grabbed a few tissues and helped Marley clean her face. "I'm right here baby, loosen your grip a little bit for me," she said gently. "Now that you're calm, Mr. Joe is going to come back and we're going to finish therapy together," she told her and Marley looked panicked. "Shhh, it's alright my love, I'm not leaving you, and Papa came home, so pretty soon, Mama Rae will be home and then we'll all sit and have a nice lunch together," she told her. "Now, very softly, before I call Joe back in, do you need to be changed?" she asked her.
Marley blushed heavily but nodded. "Alright, let's get you changed and then we'll call Joe back in. Lay down for me sweetheart," she told her. Marley carefully put herself down to her belly and then rolled over, looking around the room wildly as Santana stood up to get the supplies. "We need a few things right baby?" she asked softly. "We need a new diaper, wipes to make you clean, cream for your rash, and Teddy Bear," she said gathering her things. She gave Teddy Bear to Marley who pulled it tight to her chest and kept her eyes glued shut. She started to shake and cry when Santana started to roll her sweatpants down, until Santana started to sing.
Marley didn't like to look. She didn't like to remember that she was in this terrible situation and no longer had control over two, sometimes three, very important bodily functions. The problem was, when they changed her and kept quiet, her mind went back to being with Terri. Bruises happened when Terri changed her. Things were shoved into her or ripped out of her. Words of worthlessness and hatred, were spoken when Terri was changing her. Santana's job, or sometimes Rachel's job, was to keep Marley focused on the present.
"You were in college working part time, waiting tables, left a small down, never looked back," Santana sang and she continued to sing while changing Marley. When she finished she lifted Marley up into her arms and held her, rocking her and Teddy Bear. "I love you baby girl," she told her. "Mr. Joe, you can come back now, we're ready to continue," she called to him.
The rest of the session consisted of Marley having her feet moved in a bicycle type motion. The point was to loosen up her hips and lower back. She cried at first and then would only whimper once or twice as the circles got larger. "Alright Marley, that was good, the last thing we have to do is bridges. You have to lift a little bit. One set of twenty five holding each one for three seconds. Even if you lift a thirty-secondth of an inch, I will be happy with you okay. The only way you will not progress is if you stay flat on your back and don't move, does that make sense?" he asked her.
She simply blinked and Santana smiled. "I'm right here my sweet girl. You only have ten minutes left, and Mr. Joe, only wants one set, so you just take my hand, keep your core tight and lift those hips," she told her gently and leaned in close. "You know how you do when Mommy changes you? It's the same thing, just held a little bit longer," she whispered.
Marley nodded slowly and brushed away her tears. "Marley honey, before you start, I want to remind you of something," Joe said kindly. "When you first met me, you couldn't do that, you would just lay there and cry and now you do so much, so I want you to be proud of yourself too alright?" he asked her and she nodded slowly. Marley closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before opening them back up and looking at Joe. "Ready?" he asked her with an encouraging smile and she gave a slow nod.
Two minutes into exercising, Marley was covered in a fine sheen of sweat. On the fifth bridge, she was crying in pain. Five minutes into it Marley cried out as a muscle spasm took over her right calf. "Come down Marley," Joe said and lightly pressed his hand on her stomach and she freaked out.
"MOMMY!" she screamed at the top of her lungs and Joe hung his head and sighed, while Santana grabbed the offending muscle to help control the cramping and lessen the pain.
"Santana, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," he told her.
"It's alright, she has to get used to it. Do you have to leave, or can she finish the set?" she asked.
"I'd like the cramp to pass and then see where we're at. She's done ten of them by now, that's huge for her, I'm very proud of her," he said watching Santana pet Marley's face and then hum softly to her.
"Alright, give me a few moments then," she smiled and he nodded, looking up smiling at Kurt who was standing in the doorway, toweling his hair dry, while Marley laid on the floor and screamed.
"How's progress?" he asked kindly and Santana turned and smiled.
"I want you to sing for her," Santana told him.
"You should be so glad I love her," Kurt said and he walked over behind Marley, sat down and tapped her gently on her scalp. "Marley, look up at Papa baby. You're okay, you are. You're very safe in your bedroom. Mommy's here and Papa's here, and Mr. Joe is here and all we want to do is help our sweet Marley," he said.
"You're not singing," Santana said.
"If I'm singing, I'm going to do it, my way, so stop," he scolded Santana and she shut up, although she did want to continue to banter. She didn't like being told off, that was one of the reasons she liked being a Mistress. The power and control and feeling of being on top, always having the last word, and making others submit to her, made her feel incredible.
Kurt looked down at Marley and smiled at her. "Alright my beautiful girl, keep breathing, and Papa will sing for you okay?" he soothed her and she closed her eyes and tried to breath. "No sweetheart, look at Papa, or look at Mommy, I don't want you going off into your head. Only happy things right now," he told her gently. "Should we sing your happy song?" he asked her. She nodded her head slowly for him and he smiled at her. "Good girl Marley," he smiled. "Should we ask Mommy for back up?" he asked her and she gave him a genuine smile. Kurt looked at Santana and she nodded, humming softly for him. "And I'll remember, the love that you gave me, Now that I'm standing, on my own, I'll remember, the way that you changed me, I'll remember," he sang softly to her and she calmed down.
Kurt finished the song and Marley wiggled a bit. "Mommy," she said.
"What's up baby?" Santana asked.
"Ba-aff," Marley pushed out.
"Yes baby, as soon as Mr. Joe leaves, I will get you into a bath, I promise," she smiled at her.
"Marley, I'm going to put my hands on your stomach, I'm sorry I scared you before," Joe said and he held up his hands for her to see. "I want to help stabilize you, so that's why I want to put my hands on your stomach. If you really don't want me to, I won't, but I know that if I do, I'll feel your muscles and I'll be able to curb your exercises to help you gain strength," he explained.
"Mommy," she said.
"Mommy can help, and Papa is right behind you. You are in your bedroom, our bedroom, our house, and you're completely safe sweetheart," Santana told her.
She blinked quickly and Santana looked at Joe, nodding her confirmation that he could now put his hands on her. He helped her do her last ten lifts and then Joe gave Marley a high five and left the little family alone.
"Alright baby girl, how about that bath?" Santana said and with Kurt's help they got her into the bathroom and then Kurt went to wait for them on the couch. He pulled out two apples, cut them up, and spread some peanut butter on them, knowing it would help Marley. He also made a few smoothies, knowing that she would actually drink them. Marley had been giving them a little bit more of a hard time when it came to eating. They'd been feeding her for the past five days and it was starting to catch up with her. She noticed that her stomach wasn't as sunken in. She couldn't see her collar bones in the mirror anymore when she was held up in front of it. She was gaining weight and if she continued to do so, at this rate, Santana was going to get rid of her, she knew it.
Kurt just set the apples and peanut butter down on the little kitchen table just as Santana and Marley came out of the bathroom. "There she is," Kurt smiled and walked over to help them. Santana did a wonderful job helping Marley to move, but both Kurt and Rachel felt bad that she was doing it on her own, so they always made a point to help her. Marley was guided to the table and sat down. Kurt slipped in on her left side immediately to prevent her from falling over.
"Eat your apples please baby. Papa is right next to you and I will be right back. I need to go answer a few emails," Santana said kindly.
"Mommy," she pleaded.
"As soon as I finish we can cuddle baby, I promise," she said and Marley looked crushed.
Kurt wrapped a protective arm around Marley and spoke gently. "Mommy is very quick when it comes to emails my love, do you know why?" he asked and Marley shook her head no. "Because being away from you makes Mommy very very sad, so she does her absolute best, to be as fast as she can so that she can come back to you," Kurt smiled and Marley gave a small smile. She'd been distracted long enough to let Santana slip out of the room and Kurt was now keeping Marley busy.
"Will you eat some more baby?" he asked her kindly. Marley pouted, but opened her mouth. "Papa has to feed you?" he asked and she just looked at him and waited. This was becoming a habit for her. She was getting much more comfortable with her new family and was letting them do more and more for her, when she was in a younger state of mind. They hadn't picked up on it though. Marley was just their sweet, semi scared, beautiful baby girl, and they would treat her any way she wanted, even if they didn't understand it. "Alright princess, here we go. Open a little wider, so I don't make a mess," he told her kindly and she did as asked. He placed the apple slice on her tongue and waited for her to bite down, but she didn't do so. "Sweetheart, I can't eat it for you too. Bite down, it's okay," he told her and she carefully bit down, enjoying the taste and it took her a good two minutes to chew and swallow, but Kurt never pressured her, or told her to eat faster, he just let her be. After she swallowed, she looked at Kurt.
"Papa?" she asked.
"Yes baby?" he asked her and she reached toward the box curiously.
"I don't know what's in the box sweetheart? It came to Mommy's name. As soon as she's done, we'll ask her to open it and find out," he said.
"Mama Rae?" she asked.
"Mama Rae is working late tonight. She was supposed to be home for lunch, but she got called to work later. She'll be home much after we all go to sleep," he said honestly and Marley looked hurt.
"Bah?" she asked.
"You had a bath," he told her gently and she shook her head.
"Baby," she said softly.
"Yes, you're our baby, what about you?" he asked gently.
She shook her head no and tried to push out good, but all she was able to get out was "Guh."
Kurt thought for a moment and then smiled. "Baby Marley is very good. Big girl Marley is very good too," he assured her.
"Mama Rae?" she asked.
"Everyone who lives in this house and works with Mommy thinks that Marley is a good girl, including Mama Rae," he told her. "More apple?" he asked and she shook her head no. "Not any? Are you sure?" he asked and she nodded yes, not wanting to eat any more. She was too tired from her therapy session, and demonstrated so by letting out a long yawn and leaning her head onto Kurt's shoulder. "Santana, anytime you want to finish would be great," he called out to her, choosing his words very carefully.
Marley gave a soft sigh and fell a little more into him. "Alright big girl, come here," he smiled and pulled her into his lap and she immediately cuddled against him. He wasn't Santana, but he and Rachel were close seconds now.
Santana rolled her eyes at the computer screen as she finished up her emails. She then gave it a break and went into the kitchen. "Taking something of mine Lady Hummel?" she asked softly, her eyes sparkling playfully.
"Waiting for you to get back, you are missed," he said.
"Clearly," she said gesturing her hand up and down at him.
"Marley baby, look, Mommy's done," he said softly, keeping his eyes trained on Santana, but lowering his head just enough to talk into Marley's ear. It always amazed him how she could make herself so small against any of them.
Marley turned her head and reached her arm out. "Mommy," she smiled softly.
"Hey there big girl," Santana smiled as she sat down and pulled Marley into her lap. "My lovely," Santana smiled kissing her temple. Most of the time, she Rachel, and Kurt, made sure to use loving words, when referring to her. Rachel was trying to come up with a cutesy name for Marley, but so far none of them fit. "Did you eat apples?" she asked her kindly and Marley nodded. "I see, will you eat one more for me?" Marley nodded tiredly and shifted herself so that Santana could feed her.
Santana was able to feed Marley one more apple slice with peanut butter very slowly as she kept her cuddled close, seated sideways on her lap. The infamous box was just in front of her, but she hadn't quite noticed it yet and she looked at Kurt when she noticed him watching them intently. "So what's in the box?" Kurt asked his gaze moving from the girls, to the box, and then back to the girls again.
"What box?"
"The one I told you about, when I walked in earlier," he said pointing to it, as it sat in front of her on the table.
She reached around Marley and pulled the box closer. She turned it over three times and then set it down. "They sent it wrapped in packaging tape. If you want to know what it is, you're going to have to open it for me," she said.
"You're still just a little bit irritating," he told her, standing up and getting the scissors to open the box. Had Marley not been sitting there, he would have called Santana a pain in the ass, but he didn't like saying things like that, because of the situation Marley had come from. He didn't open it fully, he just opened it enough to make sure that Santana could get inside it.
He gave it back to her and she made a face at him, feeling Marley wiggle a bit in her lap, trying to get comfortable. Santana rubbed her back and with her free hand opened the box and smiled. "Marley, look sweetheart, look what came in the mail today," she said with a smile, pulling the box closer to them and Marley looked inside and immediately burst into tears and started squirming, trying to get away from Santana, struggling so hard that she practically fell on the floor, curling herself into a ball, in the corner of the kitchen.
"Did you order live poisonous snakes?" Kurt asked raising an eyebrow.
Santana growled at him and handed him the box. "Do not open it, she has to be the first one to do that," Santana said strongly and then she went into the other room, got Teddy Bear, and went back to the kitchen. "Marley, I got Teddy Bear sweetheart," she told her and moved in close, handing him over. "Shhh, breathe. Breathe carefully, calm your breathing, so you don't get sick," she said kindly.
Marley panted and gasped for breath, shaking her head no, and tears pouring down her face. Finally she calmed and looked at Santana. "Marley, Marley look at me. Look at Santana," she said.
"Mommy!" Marley wailed.
"Shhh, no sweetheart, not Mommy, not now. Not Mommy because we need to talk. Not Mommy because you are so scared. Not Mommy because not even Baby Marley will trust me right now. Not Mommy until it's time. It's not time."
"Mommy," she pleaded.
"No. Not until Marley is calm. Not until Marley is ready to talk and knows she can trust me," Santana said and Kurt felt his heart breaking. "Kurt, go away please," Santana said calmly sensing him behind her, simply watching. With a heavy heart, he started to walk away.
"Papa!" Marley screamed for him, not wanting to be alone.
"No Marley, not Papa, not now. Kurt go," Santana said strongly.
"Mommy," she begged again.
"Marley listen to me. Look at me. When you're ready, you blink. That was our very first form of communication. That's what we go back to."
"Mommy," she said softly, her breath under control but tears were still falling at a fast rate. "Mommy," she pleaded again.
"Marley, you're not ready. You're not ready for Mommy, because you are too scared," Santana said and Marley shook her head no while tears cascaded down her cheeks. "Yes you are sweetheart, and I'm not mad at you for that. I know you are though, because if you thought Santana was safe, if Mommy Santana was safe, then you wouldn't be huddled on the floor and crying, trying to get away from me. Now I will help you, just like I always have before, but you Marley, are not ready for Mommy right now. Babies trust their Mommies. They get scared, but they know that Mommy is safe. Right now Marley, you don't believe that, and that's okay," Santana assured her.
Kurt wanted to rush in and hold Marley tight, or have Santana move in and hold her tight, because he could see her shaking. Marley looked at Santana and after a moment began to blink quickly. "Good girl Marley, very good," Santana told her. "Now, I'm going to take Teddy Bear and move him close to you and back away. Understand?" she asked and Marley blinked quickly. Santana put the bear close to Marley and then stood up and backed away. She was only three feet away from Marley, but it felt like hundreds of yards. Marley was so scared that she just kept shrinking into herself and the corner of the wall.
"Marley, do you remember when we first met, and I told you I was a Mistress and that I liked control?" she asked her and Marley blinked. Santana smiled. "Good girl, here's what you don't know though. Control is always two parts. People give me control and I give them respect. They give me a list. They give me permission to be the one in charge. That is giving up control. I give them tasks to complete. I stick to their list. I make sure I don't take anything that is not mine. If my person says to me, you are not allowed to touch my foot, then I never touch their foot. Not ever. Me touching their foot breaks that trust. Me breaking their trust makes me a bully," she explained.
Marley shook her head no and spoke quietly. "Mommy," she begged.
"I know that you're scared honey, and I know that your mouth is still too sore for you to say my name, but you calling me Mommy, means you trust me, and right now you are too scared to trust anyone, including me," Santana said. Marley's eyes flooded with tears once again. "I'm not mad about that Marley. I'm not mad at all. You have to be safe. You have to know that I will not violate your trust and if I push you too far, then you have to tell me somehow. We will work on that communication, but no Mommy, until you are calm enough to know that I'm not going to hurt you." Marley looked at Santana with confusion. She thought she did know that, but apparently, she didn't. She took a shuddering breath and tried very hard to calm herself.
Marley sat on the floor thinking about first how cold she was. Then she thought about all the days she'd spent with Santana. Santana had shown her that she could be trusted from the very first hour that they met. The problem was, Marley was scared of herself. She had desires, she didn't understand; wants that made her think she was a freak. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment before opening them and looking at Santana. She couldn't say her name. The sores inside her mouth were too dry and painful to say any of the letters properly. In order to fix this, she just stared. She very carefully, laid down on her tummy and looked at Santana.
Santana felt her heart break with relief and laid down on the floor as well. The two girls were a mirror image of each other and Santana smiled at her. "Do you know what scared you?" she asked her honestly and Marley blinked. "Well that's a good start and we'll figure out a way for you to tell me, but not at the moment. Right now I see a girl, my friend, in pain, and freezing, so we have to get you warm somehow. I can get you a blanket, but that requires me getting up. Can you stay still while I get up and get you a blanket?" she asked her. Marley blinked and in the other room Kurt groaned. He hated how painfully slow this was all going.
Santana took the blanket off the back of the couch and walked over to Marley. "Tap the floor Marley, I can't see your eyes. Once for yes, twice for no. Can I cover you with the blanket?" Santana asked and Marley slapped her hand lightly on the floor once. Santana gently draped the blanket over her and then took her mirrored position.
"We have to build it up again Marley. We have to build up your trust of me, because something scared you so much, that you felt safer running away from me, rather than staying with me to have it explained to you," Santana said. "Does that make sense to you?" One tap to the floor. Santana smiled. "Easy questions Marley. Are you calm now?" One tap. "Is your heart ready to jump out of your chest?" Two taps. "Do you know where this house is?" One tap. "Do you know who lives in this house?" One tap. "Do you know my name?" One tap. "Do you know what you want to call me?" One tap. "Do you know why you want to call me that?" Two taps followed by a very heavy frown. "Can I move closer to you?" One tap. Santana inched closer ever so slightly and Marley's hand came out from under the blanket. She put her hand over Santana's, squeezed lightly, and cried softly. "Do you know in this moment that I won't hurt you?" One tap. "Do you know what scared you before?" One tap. "Do you know why it scared you?" One tap and then she burst into tears.
"Mommy," she pleaded and she painfully pushed her body into Santana as best she could. "Mommy," she wailed, begging Santana to hold her. She felt terrible that she'd mistrusted someone who she had learned was nothing but nice to her. Santana went out of her way to make Marley feel safe and loved and accepted and the moment she followed through on her promise to show Marley that being a baby wasn't a bad thing, Marley doubted everything that she'd been taught and in her mind hurt Santana's feelings. "Mommy," she begged again and pushed herself even further into Santana, trembling with the desire to be held by the one lady she trusted the most and the fear that she was going to be rejected.
"Okay, can you be Mommy again, because she's breaking my heart," Kurt said softly knowing Marley couldn't hear him because she was so worked up.
"She doesn't trust me Kurt. I showed her a box. I let her open it, and she ran away."
"She fell off of your lap to get away from the "bad thing" in the box," he said.
"It's still the same thing. She doesn't fully understand that I'm safe, we're safe. If I can't teach her that, how am I going to be able to teach her anything else?"
"Okay," he sighed holding up his hands. "You're the Mistress, you went through training, I didn't, I'll give you that, but I see a small, tired, desperate little girl, begging for the safety and comfort that only a mother can give her, and right now, she believes that you are the mother figure she needs. She only does this with you. She asks where Rachel is and she'll sit with me, if you're near by, but you are the one she wants and does trust," he said and then he walked away.
"This is the hardest job I've ever had Marley, and I just don't want to fail you," she said out loud, while stroking Marley's hair. She very carefully shifted them around, until they were sitting up and Marley was in Santana's lap. "You and I are going to go sit on the couch and cuddle and rest, and you will let me know when you're ready to proceed. We have to talk and figure out what scared you so much, so it doesn't happen again. I think I know, but I need you to tell me, somehow, when you're ready," she said.
An hour later, Santana was seated on the couch and Marley was stretched out across her body, slouched down just enough to have her head on Santana's chest and Santana was playing with her hair. Marley was exhausted, she wanted to sleep, but Santana's words had stuck in her head. "Not Mommy. Not now," and she couldn't be one hundred percent sure that Santana would be there when she woke up. Santana picked up the remote to change the channel and as she brought the remote back to her body, Marley took her hand. "Mommy," she said, her voice soft and strong.
"We talked about this Marley," she said gently.
"Mommy," Marley insisted holding Santana's hand tighter in her grip.
"You're calm now Marley, and I'm very glad for that, but the thing that scared you, that box, that's over in the corner and it isn't going anywhere. We have to deal with it. If you are calling me Mommy, I'm going to assume that you are ready to deal with it, with me, even though I know you might still be scared," Santana said.
"Papa," Marley said softly tightening her grip on Santana's hand.
"This is like the floor honey," Santana said opening her hand to a flat palm. "Do you want Papa with us to open the box?" she asked. Marley tapped her hand once.
"Mommy," she said seriously and went back to holding Santana's hand.
"Okay, well then we're going to work out a system sweetheart. So here's the deal. If you get scared, you have to squeeze my hand and I will do my absolute best to slow things down and explain it to you, but no more running away. If you run away then we stop and you will not call me Mommy, or Kurt Papa, or Rachel Mama Rae, until you can communicate better, using all your words. Do you remember what I told you before? If you want to be Baby Marley, you can be. Being baby Marley is not a bad thing and big girl Marley can call us those names too, but you can't run away all the time. Running away means you don't trust us, and I don't want to do anything with you or for you, that you are not trusting of," she explained. "Should I call Kurt now?" she asked and Marley shook her head no.
"Mommy," she said softly.
"You want me to call Papa?" she asked her and Marley nodded an emphatic yes. "Alright, I will call Papa, but for right now, while we open this box, I need to be sure that I am talking to big girl Marley. I want everything explained to her in every aspect, do you understand?" Marley nodded.
"Mommy...Ay-fff," she said softly.
"We need your blocks," Santana said kindly and gave Marley a kiss to the top of her head. "Can you say it faster?" she asked.
"Ayff," she said after a moment.
"Mommy's safe?" Santana asked her and Marley nodded. "Do you truly believe that Marley? Do you truly believe that Mommy Santana will keep you safe?" she asked her kindly and Marley blinked, nodded yes, and tapped Santana's palm. Santana gave a small laugh and gave Marley a loving squeeze. "Okay sweetheart, let's call Papa, and get on the floor, by your blocks. If you have to spell I want you to be able to do it," she said kindly.
Santana slipped onto the floor and kept Marley close, her arms low and tight across her hips. "It's just me and Papa sweetheart. In a safe place, it will always be a safe place here and whatever you don't understand you ask. Make sense?" she asked and Marley nodded yes. "Hey Kurt!" Santana called.
Kurt joined them and smiled. "Hey. What's going on?" he asked kindly.
"Come join us, we're going to try opening the box again," Santana told him.
"Can I know my name before we start?" he asked with a smirk taking a seat in front of Marley and pulling her wooden lettered blocks closer to them.
"Papa," Marley said with finality cuddling into Santana and smiling at Kurt.
"Oh good, I'm glad to hear that. I like being your Papa, Marley," he told her smiling. "Kisses for my good girl?" he asked her and she nodded, so he leaned in and gave her a kiss to her forehead.
"Alright, so where is this box?" Santana asked and she looked at Kurt, who reached for the box and Marley tensed, but closed her eyes, let out a long breath and looked at the box. "So, this is the big scary box that came today, but what if, it was just a box?" Santana asked her taking it from Kurt and Marley tracked Santana's actions very carefully. "What if, it was just an empty box that had nothing in it, would you still be afraid of it?" Santana asked her putting it much closer to Marley's body. Marley still tensed, but pushed back into Santana in order to feel safe. "Where are you Marley?" Santana asked her kindly, stopping her entire box conversation.
Marley reached for the blocks after a moment. H...O...M...E
"Very good my sweet girl, so tell me, this is a tiny little box, so nothing big and scary could be in there right? I mean, that's silly it wouldn't fit," Santana pointed out. Marley thought for a moment and nodded her agreement. "Now, do you remember three days ago when you and Papa and Mama Rae and I sat down and we talked about something as a family, do you remember that?" Marley nodded yes. "Do you remember what it was we talked about?" Santana asked.
Marley nodded yes and reached for the blocks, carefully finding the letters she needed. S...U...C...K...E...R "Is that what you want to call it?" Kurt asked her kindly. Marley shook her head no. "Can you spell what you really want to call it?" he asked her.
She thought for a few moments and cuddled into Santana. "Mommy," she said softly looking down at the hands locked around her. "Mommy, Ayff," she said.
"Yes baby, Mommy Santana is safe. Things that happen in this house and with Mommy Santana are always safe. They may be scary, I won't lie about that, but always safe," Santana said.
"A new word," Kurt praised. "More kisses for progress," he told Marley and she raised her eyes to look up and him and smiled. He gave her another loving kiss and then let Santana take over again.
"So tell me sweetheart, what did we talk about the other day. We ordered three of them, what do we call them?" she asked. Marley took a deep breath and her eyes flooded with tears. She was allowed to say what she wanted. She was allowed to communicate. She was allowed to live out her fantasies in a safe place, but she was still scared, because she'd thought she was safe the last time she tried this. With trembling hands Marley reached for the blocks, spelling out the word she wanted. She wanted pacifier, but Terri had used that word and made pacifiers a bad thing. The pacifier had hurt her. The pacifier was forced upon her so much that she now had to use wooden blocks with brightly painted letters carved on them in order to communicate.
She rotated the letters carefully and spelled out pacifier. "That's a big word, but I know that some of those letters you can say. Will you try for me sweetheart? Can you break it down and say pacifier?" Santana asked. Marley thought for a moment and sounded it out in her head, working her jaw gently. She pointed to the C block and shook her head no. "I know, S sounds are still hard, that's okay, can you try anyway? I don't care if it sounds horribly mangled, just a little tiny try," Santana encouraged.
Marley thought for a few moments and cuddled into Santana. Kurt thought that if Marley truly tried she would meld herself into Santana's body completely. It was so nice to see that Marley trusted her so much. "Pa-fy-ah" she finally pushed out.
"Marley that is amazing! I am so proud of you," Kurt praised her and took her hand, squeezing it gently before leaning in and giving her kisses.
"Very good baby, I am very proud of you," Santana praised. "So tell me my love," Santana said placing the box aside and picking up two wooden blocks, not caring what letters they were and put them in front of her. "We're going to play a small game sweetheart, this is like tapping the floor, only now we do options. I will tell you which block is which option, I promise," Santana said kissing her temple gently and Marley nodded.
"Are pacifiers big?" she asked picking up the left block, "or small," she continued picking up the right block. Marley picked up the right block. "That's right," she praised. "And why would we use a pacifier in this house? Is it for comfort? Or for torture?" she asked and Marley lifted the left block. "That's right, and where does Marley put her pacifier, in her mouth, or somewhere else." Left block. Kurt wasn't sure he wanted to hear any more about the somewhere else part. "Very good and who gets to decide when Marley uses her pacifier?" Santana asked. "Mommy or Marley?" she asked and Marley froze, she honestly didn't know the answer.
Kurt saw panic in her eyes and looked at Santana, they were on the edge of a melt down, he could see it. "How about this Marley," he said showing her the two blocks. "Who used to be in charge? Marley or someone else?" he asked. She lifted the right block with trembling hands. "And that was not right at all. The only person who should be in charge of Marley using her pacifier is Marley," he told her.
"Papa makes a very good point," Santana said. "Tell me lovely, who do you think gets the right in the house? Who says Marley can use her pacifier in this house. Marley or someone else?" she asked and Marley thought for a moment and lifted both blocks. "You think both? Okay, sometimes, or all the time?" she asked and Marley thought for a moment. Left block. "Okay, so sometimes, someone else has to tell Marley to use her pacifier?" Santana asked and Marley shook her head no. Santana remained exceedingly patient. "Okay, so who gets to decide when Marley can use her pacifier, in this house, Marley, or someone else?" Santana asked. Marley lifted the left block, but with a great deal of hesitation and her eyes held lots of uncertainty.
Santana smiled and continued. "And why would Marley need her pacifier?" she asked. "Does Marley need it for comfort, or just for play?" she asked and Marley slowly lifted the left block. "Comfort?" Santana asked and Marley nodded yes. "Well to me it sounds like a pacifier is a very small thing that would fit in a tiny box like this and would make Marley feel comfortable, if she was scared and concerned about something," Santana said. "Did Mommy understand?" she asked and Marley nodded. "So then why don't you reach into this box right here and pull out this tiny little thing that is going to give you comfort, if you need it," Santana said.
Marley's hand trembled but she reached into the box. "Mommy," she squeaked.
"I'm right here sweet girl," Santana said. Marley hesitated and Santana pet her hair. "Do you remember the talk we had before baby? Do you remember how Mommy Santana explained that control is a two way street? Do you remember that if Mommy Santana took total control and didn't give you any options that would make her something else?" Marley nodded and fumbled with her blocks for a moment. B...U...L...L...Y, Marly spelled. "That exactly right and Mommy would never bully anyone. It's not right and I get no pleasure out of that, so you don't ever have to worry about that. The most control I will ever take is if I see you freaking out and I will suggest that you take your pacifier to help calm down," Santana said and she very carefully pet Marley's hair. "But if you refuse to use it, that's up to you. Only Marley controls if she does or doesn't use her pacifier," Santana said and Kurt watched Marley process all the words that were beings spoken to her.
"Here's the deal though baby girl. Right now I want you to reach into the box and pull out all three pacifiers. I want you to look at them, study them carefully and know that they are safe, just as you are in the house."
Instead Marley reached into the pile of blocks and began to look for the blocks she needed. S...C...A...R...E...D she spelled and Santana nodded. "Do you want to take a break and have a drink?" Santana offered and Marley thought for a moment before nodding yes.
"I will get juice for everyone," Kurt said. He went into the kitchen and Marley turned herself slightly, pushing her entire side into Santana, sinking down just enough that she could rest her head on Santana's shoulder. Santana was desperate to push Marley just a little bit, she was so close, but then all the work, they'd just accomplished would be for nothing, so she cuddled her close and kissed the top of her head.
"Look at me please baby," she said and Marley did. "I am so proud of you. I know you're scared, and I know you want to stop, but you are doing so well. You are answering all of my questions, and you're communicating, you're doing so very well," Santana praised and Marley smiled and snuggled in closer.
"You two are seriously sickeningly sweet," Kurt said returning with three cups of juice. "Lemonade for me, for Santana, and for Marley fruit punch," he said and Santana shot him a look. He rolled his eyes at her and nodded yes. They were still trying to get Marley's body balanced, so anytime she had fruit punch, it was that same pedialyte drink, she'd been having in the hospital. They'd put it in the fridge before she even moved in and any time they bought more, the bottle was kept out of Marley's view. Santana had been adamant about it. The "baby drink" was to be kept out of view at all times. Marley already doubted herself and didn't understand her desires, so there was no way they were going to tell her, or show her, that her "juice" was in fact something meant for very small children to keep their bodies balanced. It worked well for adults, which was why they used it, but there were definitely other ways to get electrolytes into her. The main problem was with all the sores in her mouth, she couldn't eat a lot of things without it causing her pain. The juice was the easiest route.
Kurt handed Marley her cup and with two hands, she took hold and very carefully brought it to her lips before making a little noise of frustration. "I can help Marley," Kurt offered, but he didn't move and Santana forced herself to stay still. Marley wanted to do this on her own, so they were only going to help if she made the decision. Marley shook her head no and took a deep breath. Exhaling, she tipped the cup slowly and got most of it in her mouth, spilling some of it down her shirt. She shrieked in surprise and Santana quickly grabbed the cup.
"You're okay, you're okay. You just tipped a bit too much," Santana soothed and very quickly Kurt returned with a napkin so Marley could blot up the small puddle. "You can do it, or I can help," Santana offered and Marley let Santana take care of her. Once she was clean, she gave soft whine. "Okay my sweet girl, here's the deal, I'm going to give you a choice," Santana explained. "Option one is we finish what we started. You pull out the pacifiers in this tiny little box, and just look at them, and then do whatever you want with them. You can put them back in the box, you can use them, whatever you like and then you and Mommy sit on the couch and you sleep. Option two is you and Mommy sit on the couch now and nap, and we leave the pacifiers until the morning, because I can see, on my sweet girl's face, that she is beyond tired, and honestly, so is Mommy," Santana told her.
Marley thought for a moment and then held up two fingers. "Option two it is," Santana smiled. "Should I change you first?" she whispered softly and Marley shook her head. She didn't feel wet and her stomach wasn't rumbling. "After our nap, we will change you then," Santana told her kindly. She got the two of them up on the couch and Marley put her head against Santana's chest and went right to sleep.