Autohaunted

Theme #69: Annoyance | PMD9: Time Travel | 2218 words | Humour | Danny F.

Danny has 99 problems, and he's every single one.

-x-

"…then he said, 'I'm sorry, I don't get it.'"

The sounds of involuntary laughter carried clearly over the headphones and Danny grinned, blasting another enemy to kingdom come as he did so. Beside him, Tuck and Sam - no, sorry, FryerTuck and Chaos - took out a few more. They were well on their way to the end of the level and doing pretty well, but all the same Danny was glad he'd decided not to actually go into the game this time; they weren't entirely sure what would happen if he was shot in the virtual world, but frankly he didn't want to find out.

"Hey, Sam, Danny, over there - I think that's the Key!"

"Where?"

"By that thing over there."

"Gee, that was informative, Tuck."

"You know what I meant, Danny. Just look where I'm facing."

"Oh, I see it!

"I don't."

"Danny, you're facing the wrong way."

"I'm looking in the same direction you are!"

"You're not," said Sam, ever-helpful. "Are you lagging again? Try opening your inventory."

"I really don't see-" he started, before being cut off by a violent shiver spreading through his body and culminating in a puff of frigid air from his mouth. "Ugh, sorry guys, I gotta bail - carry on without me."

"Your parents?"

"I wish, they went out shopping a few hours ago. My day job beckons."

"Who is it this time?"

"Dunno, we'll see. I'll be back on later."

"If you're sure you don't need backu-"

"I'll be fine, Sam. Just get that Key, okay?"

"Alright. Bye, Danny."

"Yeah, good luck."

"Thanks, guys," he said, logging out of the game and shutting the lid of his laptop. No point wasting power.

He sighed as he let the silver rings wash away his black hair and blue eyes, hoping dearly that it wasn't the Box Ghost. Again. For the fifth time today.

So, where was it? He'd wasted enough time that it could be a block away by now - but no, the cold feeling in his chest hadn't lessened in the slightest. It was still in the house. A new ghost, maybe? The regulars rarely lingered anymore. So maybe it wasn't the Box Gh-

"SHIT!" came an oddly familiar voice, loud enough to be heard at even this distance. Apparently this profane ghost had discovered the reason the habitués never stuck around - Fenton household security had reached new levels of ridiculousness as of the last upgrade. Sure, it made living in the house more dangerous than provoking a mother grizzly bear, but in Danny's mind, the expressions the ghostly trespassers made as they were confronted by enough ectoguns to equip the entire American army were absolutely worth every close call.

Turning human again to avoid the assorted lasers, spinning blades, death rays and other varied weaponry, Danny sprinted downstairs and into the basement - he wouldn't miss this for the world. As he sped down the steps, however, he couldn't help the scowl that spread across his face - there, cornered by a multitude of shiny whirring ectoguns, was an all-too familiar face; one he saw every day without fail.

"Amorpho, we've talked about this: I let you come and go, you don't cause trouble and you don't impersonate me."

Apparently noticing the halfa for the first time, the ghost let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank god, now would you please-" he dodged a white-hot beam of energy "-deactivate the security before I get fried?"

"Drop the disguise, and the guns go away."

"Disguise? This isn't a- ah, fuck, that hurt - just turn the goddamn thing off, okay?"

"Not until you stop being me."

"Well that's gonna be diff- fuck! -cult, isn't it?"

"I don't have time for this, Amorpho. Drop the act and you can go, alright?"

"This isn't an act! I'm you from- ow! - the future!"

"Yeah, right. Turn human, then."

"I can't!"

"Well, obviously, because you're not me. Just do what I asked and you won't get shot."

"Are you even listening to me?" screeched the not-Phantom as he dodged another blast. Danny winced at the volume; "I am you! From the future! Guess what happens when you get old?! Just - fucking hell, why is this so hard for you to believe?!"

"If you were me from the future, you'd know exactly why I don't believe you're me."

"Oh, come on, we stopped that from happening when we retook that test!"

Danny frowned and said carefully, "The test?"

"Oh, don't tell me you haven't done the whole time-travel-y bit yet- shit! - would you please turn that thing off!"

"If you're me, then tell me something only I know. Something I haven't even told Sam and Tucker. Then I'll turn it off."

"Secretly I used t- ah! - to be a massive fan of the Ninja of Norrisville, okay? Guns, off, now, please?!"

Not quite convinced - a decent hacker could gain access to his Internet history with relative ease - but certainly ready to listen, Danny placed his palm on one of the control panels and typed a quick command. Immediately the guns vanished back where they'd come from, leaving only the scorch marks as evidence that they'd ever been there. The other Phantom alighted on the floor and performed a quick once-over - no significant damage, it seemed - before facing Danny properly.

"Used to be?" Danny questioned, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, until I found out he's just a massive dork."

"Wait, what?"

"Never mind," said the other Danny quickly. "I shouldn't have said that. Please don't ask, I really don't want to be at fault for blowing a hole in the universe the size of Belgium. Again."

"'Again'?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he said, looking suitably abashed.

After a moment spent debating whether he should turn the defense system on again to force the other him to spill the beans, Danny reluctantly dropped the subject and asked, arms folded across his chest, "I take it Clockwork has something to do with this then?"

"Doesn't he always?"

"Probably. So, what's the occasion for this visit?"

"To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. Smug bastard just told me I'd figure it out and shoved me through the portal."

"Are you sure you should be insulting the Master of Time like that?" asked Danny, wincing a little at the profanity. He'd never liked swearing.

"Eh, he deserves it. And hey, I'm already dead, what else can he do to me?"

Oh, Danny thought, as the other him's little slips finally clicked. Well. If that's what's happened, I can understand the swearing. Not quite ready to talk about it yet and hoping future-Danny hadn't noticed the hesitation, he quickly added, "Oh, I don't know, erase you from existence maybe?"

"Nah, I'm too useful. And I think he secretly likes having someone unafraid to call him names," said the other Danny, a cocky smirk forming on his face. Yeah, this was him from the future alright. That or a brilliant actor, which most ghosts tended not to be.

"Sounds about right. Look, shall we go before the security system resets itself?"

"It resets itself? Jesus Christ, how've you survived this long?"

"Luck, mostly. And Tuck disabled everything in my room."

"Why not disable everything else?"

"Are you kidding? The security practically halves the amount of ghost attacks. I mean, sure, it's nearly killed me a couple times, but I've managed to get my grades up and some nights I get more than five hours' sleep. It's great. But hey, if you're me, why don't you know all this already?"

"Hey, it's been a while," protested the other Danny, following his past self up the stairs. "I can only remember so much."

"How long, exactly?"

"I dunno if I'm allowed to tell you that. Let's just say a couple of decades, alright?"

"But you still look fourteen!"

"Well, yeah. Maybe you haven't noticed yet, but Phantom doesn't change. Like, at all. Gotta say, it was really weird going ghost when my human form was two feet taller."

"Wow. Just…tell me Paulina stopped crushing on you pretty quick? Please?"

"Okay: Paulina stopped crushing on me pretty quick."

"That's a lie, isn't it." It wasn't even a question.

"Yes."

"Do I really want to-?"

"No. No you do not. Please don't ask again."

Danny shuddered. "Yeah, I'm gonna do my best to repress that."

"If it helps, I don't remember me telling you- me. This is gonna get confusing pretty quickly isn't it?"

"Wait, hold on, you remember this conversation?"

"I vaguely remember meeting a future me, a long time ago. But nothing helpful. See, Clockwork's got a friend, Nemmy- Memo- Mono- ugh. I can't pronounce it. But basically she does mindwipes, and I am very grateful for that." He paused, sitting on Danny's bed as his past self settled into his computer chair. "Probably. I don't remember why. I really don't want to."

There was a brief moment of silence as the pair of them imagined what kind of memories this 'Nemmy' would have deigned suppress, but Danny quickly broke it, unwilling to carry on that particular train of thought. "So…what happened?"

"What do you mean?" said the other, entirely aware of what Danny meant.

"Y'know, the whole 'all-dead' thing. When did that happen?"

"That's a bit insensitive."

"I figured I wouldn't mind telling me about it."

Future-Phantom scrutinised Danny's face, serious for the first time since he'd arrived, before finally saying, "You know as well as I do that ghost hunting's a damn dangerous job and, let's face it, it's not like we weren't expecting it. I'm not saying it's soon, but it's not that far away either." Phantom's face softened a little at his counterpart's expression. "If it helps, it was quick, and you did get to say goodbye," he offered, a small smile of sympathy gracing his face. "I'll admit that the first few months were hardly the best times of my li- afterlife, but it was worth it. No doubt about that. And, I guess, maybe it was for the best. Life…life was getting pretty difficult, y'know?"

Danny took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. The other him was right; this lifestyle of his was hardly conducive to a long life, something he'd been all too aware of for a while. But knowing that you probably won't make it to thirty is pretty different to hearing about your passing from your own mouth. "So I guess stopping that from happening isn't on the agenda?"

"No, I'm afraid not. But look at it this way: you've got years to prepare now. Years to acclimatise, to plan, to sort everything out. I promise you it'll be a smooth transition. Freeing, even." He smiled comfortingly. "It'll be okay."

Danny tried to smile back, and was about to say something when he was interrupted by his phone. In a panic, he tried to reach it before the tune could be recognised, but alas, luck was not on his side.

"Beyoncé? Really?"

"Shut up. Tuck did it and he won't tell me how to change it back."

"You and I both know that's not true."

"Shut up. No, not you, Tuck," he said into the phone. "No, I'm not still in a fight. .. No, Jazz isn't annoying me. She's not even here right now. .. Look, it's kind of a long st- What?" he demanded, finally acknowledging his future self's frantic gesticulation. "No, not you. What is it?"

"Tell him to call you back," hissed the other Phantom.

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

"Ugh, fine. Tuck, I'm gonna have to call you back. .. No, I'm absolutely fine and I definitely don't need backup. .. No, I'm not being forced to say this, I just need to deal with this idiot. .. Yeah. .. Okay. .. Speak later. .. Bye. What's the problem?"

"You realise that by insulting me, you're insulting yourself."

"Please don't tell me this is the only reason you made me hang up on my best friend."

"No, that would be silly. But I remember Sam and Tucker asking where the hell I'd been, and they never said anything about a future- well, me. They didn't know I was here, and they weren't involved with whatever it is I'm here to do. You can't tell them."

"What about your friend Nemmy the Mindwiper? Could just be her."

"Yeah, except no. She's as terrified of the living as the living are of the dead. I can't imagine how long it took to convince her to erase all my- your- ourmemories of this."

"Right," muttered Danny, a frown creasing his brow. "What do we do now, then? Because clearly if Clockwork brought you here, something really bad is going to happen. And nobody else can be involved."

"No humans, anyway. I don't think N- the Mind-wiper has much trouble with ghosts."

"Okay, so ghosts are involved. But then we knew that anyway, because when is it ever not ghosts?"

"Yeah, about that…" the other-Danny trailed off.

"Are you kiddi-?"

"No," he said firmly. "Just never visit England until about 2040, and stay away from New York for the next few years. They can handle it. I promise."

"Do I-? No," said Danny abruptly, shaking his head. "No, I don't want to know. Not even gonna ask."

"Good, because if you'd asked, I'd have had to tell you. Those holidays were fucking wild."

-x-

A/N: I'll be honest: this isn't just a oneshot. This would be the first chapter - or part of the first chapter - of a much longer story, one I still want to write but in all likelihood will never get around to.