Katniss...
I wake up rested against Peeta's chest. It could almost be one of those mornings in the training
centre where we would wake in each other's arms. Except it's not and the reality is that I am here
And she is not. The one person I wanted most in this world to survive. The reason I volunteered as
Tribute.
Lately I had wondered if there had been a point to volunteering at all. Was she still destined to die?
Had I just prolonged her life for her to suffer a death, which was perhaps worse than any she would
experience in the arena? Or maybe being blown up was a quick death. I hated these thoughts,
sometimes I felt like they would consume me. Dr. Aurelius tells me that I'm working through the
stages of grief. Well I wish I could reach the final stage because I'm tired of feeling empty and
questioning everything in my head. What if, what if, what if.
That's not entirely true, if I'm honest I stopped feeling empty the moment I left the house and Peeta
was planting evening primrose in my garden. We hadn't talked in months and the first thing he
does when he returns is honor Prim. Still thinking of me when I don't deserve him. I checked out
like my mother for months and didn't think to see if he was okay. I pushed him away after he was
rescued from the Capitol.
He's drooling slightly and he looks serene. It's cute, I let myself think. I reach up and wipe the
corner of his mouth and he stirs. His neck is going to hurt when he wakes because he's tilted it
back too far.
"Good morning," he says sleepily.
"Morning."
I should move and let him up, but I just want this moment to last a little longer. I forgot how it felt to
wake in Peeta's strong arms. It's been so long and I have missed it.
"Have you been awake for long?" He asks.
"Not really." I want to think of more to say but I have nothing.
"That's the first in a long time where I haven't dreamed." I had to agree, even when exhausted my
mind still projects the nightmares of the past few years into my head. It even throws in my father for
good measure.
I can tell he's grinning as he says, "We should sleep together more often."
"You shouldn't say things like that to girls as 'pure' as me." I retort, this spun me back to a
conversation during the Quell where Peeta said the other tributes were teasing me because I was so pure.
"You can't be that pure when you have had a man in your bed, several times in fact." He's still
grinning, mocking me no doubt.
"I don't recall a 'man', there was a boy though." I instantly aim to take a stab at his masculinity.
"Ouch." He's no longer smug about his comments. I get up off the sofa and I think he looks
disappointed. I should shower, I'm suddenly aware of him staring at me. In a way that makes me
feel exposed. I leave the room without another word.
After I shower I go back downstairs, Peeta has gone. I felt disappointed by this but I also felt I
knew the reason why. In the past when we woke in the mornings I often felt something hard
pressed against my leg. I know this is a natural reaction for males in the morning so I didn't
question it. I just waited for Peeta to casually readjust himself and eventually make his excuses to
go shower.
'Pure', I don't know why it bothered me so much. I had never thought of myself as a sexual being, I had to attend sex education as part of health class in school. We were taught that you must be responsible as birth control was hard to come by. Since I don't plan on ever being a parent and I've never had sex to miss it, I figure I will be just fine.
Implications, expectations. What's to become of this quiet comfortable pattern Peeta and I are
falling into. I remember thinking once when he said I could have a life after the games that I could
go back to District 12, marry Gale and have kids. But it didn't feel right, my heart ached with the
possibility that I might return without Peeta. He should be the only one of us to have a life after all
this mess, he will make an excellent father, warm and nurturing.
No. These thoughts would do no good. All I can think about now is that Peeta will one day leave
me for another. I would remain here unchanged and probably start smelling like Haymitch. It's not
fair for me to hold him here and deny him a chance at a family, at happiness.
But yet the thought of us becoming more than solace for one another excites me, I get butterflies. Katniss Everdeen, girlfriend? Lover? No, I won't give any false hope, not for him. I braid my hair and head over to Peeta's for breakfast.
I catch Buttercup from the corner of my eye sunning himself among he primroses. He's looking much better than he did the night I dug out the thorns from his paws and cleaned his wounds.
In Peeta's kitchen I can already smell the bread in the oven. I can hear the water running upstairs. I set the table and pour myself a glass of water then seated myself at the table to wait on him. My mind drifted to hunting, I don't feel like going today. The woods feel empty without Gale. Like at any moment he will turn up to check the traps and point out wild turkeys. But that won't happen ever again. I had considered asking Peeta to join me, but his clumsy footsteps alert the game and that was even before he had a prosthetic leg.
Gale...probably in District 2, kissing another girl. I found that this did not bother me any longer. When Madge used to talk about Gale it bothered me. I realise now it was not jealousy. It was possessiveness. I didn't want any one to take away the one thing that had helped me get by. I felt relieved now, that I could feel what I wanted and Gale could move on to whomever he was moving on with. But what do I feel? I know there's something there for Peeta. Is it love? It's all mixed with hurt and loss. I don't get to ponder this any longer because he's at the door staring at me, wearing only a towel around his waist. I'm looking at his bare shoulders and chest and my eyes are drifting down to his abdomen.
"Sorry, I didn't think you were here yet and I needed to get the bread from the oven before it burns," he interrupts my gaze. I feel my cheeks flush.
"I'll get the bread," I say looking for an excuse to turn away.
"I'll go get dressed." He disappears up the stairs and I find my heart is pumping in my chest. What the hell is wrong with me? I remove the bread from the oven and leave it to cool by the window.
We have warm toast with cheese for breakfast and then spend the rest of the day working on the memory book. I find this therapeutic. It's a place to keep those we love and whom we have known alive.
After dinner we feed Buttercup scraps and debate which one of us should go check on Haymitch. Peeta relents and takes a plate of leftover food over to Haymitch and I settle myself on his couch. Its dusk and I'm starting to dread the moment I will have to go home and be alone.
When Peeta returns I'm lying across the sofa with my eyes closed and Buttercup is laying on my stomach. I lazily stroke him.
"Well this is new, I thought you hated each other?"
"We have an alliance now. I feel like he's watching over me…for her." I lean forward so that he can sit down and I rest my head on his lap. He strokes my hair once then stops. I don't object, I think he takes this as a sign as its okay to continue and he smoothes strands of my hair. I can actually appreciate these moments. Not like before when they were probably projected onto millions of TV screens, showcasing the star crossed lovers of District 12.
"Peeta, I don't want to be alone tonight," I blurt out. I don't know why I said it, I didn't fully expect him to turn me away, maybe I assume too much.
"Okay," he replies, "But Katniss, can we sleep in a bed tonight because my neck was aching so bad this morning."
I grin, I knew it would be but he had left before I could ask. "Yes, a bed would be nice."
And this is how it began, night after night of him holding me as I drifted off to sleep. Comforting me when the screaming began and I awoke to a sheen of sweat and terror. He brought me back night after night. Sometimes I would return the favor. When I felt him his muscles tense and he gripped his pillow or the sheets, some awful flashback would take him away from me. I would whisper to him about the here and now, how he was with me and he would never have to go back to the Capitol where they beat and tortured him. That it had all been lies, that I needed him.
On one particular night where Peeta seemed to be in a daze, I held him and talked about random things such as Delly and how I had seen her mooning over Thom, Gale's old work friend from the mines. Nothing seemed to be working, not even reminding him that the games were over and we were here back in District 12, together. I started to panic, what if he didn't come out of this. I don't know what to do. "Peeta?" I begged, "Please come back to me, it's okay, you are safe, with me at home. Peeta? Peeta…" Nothing, no response. "Peeta I hate this, I don't know what to do." I'm starting to sound desperate. I shake him a little then hold his head close to my chest. "I love you," I whisper. I remain there for the rest of the night holding him for what feels like hours. Eventually dawn starts to approach, I haven't slept. Just held him whilst staring at the ceiling. He stirs and adjusts his position.
"Katniss? What time is it?"
"Dawn sometime. I'm not sure. You have been out of it for hours." I feel relief flood my body.
"I'm sorry…I haven't had that happen in a long time. Since I was in the Capitol."
"You scared me, I thought you wouldn't come back."
"I'll always come back…for you," he adds. I hold him tighter and close my eyes. There would be no hunting today. I didn't want him to leave me and I was also exhausted. Peeta sat up, leaving my arms. I was partially glad because I the circulation could now return to my left arm, which had been numb for a while. He walked towards the bathroom and I took the opportunity to fix the sheets and adjust the pillows. I got back into bed and when he returned he climbed in beside me. This time I relaxed against his chest, aching for that familiarity. Feeling that I could now sleep I closed my eyes. I suddenly remembered whispering to Peeta that I loved him. Had he heard me? He hadn't answered if he had. I felt embarrassed. I decided not to bring it up, if he had heard he could be the one to address it.
Peeta ran his finger tracing patterns up and down my arm. It felt ticklish but also nice. I let out a sigh and he stopped. "Don't stop," I say, yearning for his touch again. He continues to trace the patterns up and down my arm. We stay like this for a while and eventually he says, "Go to sleep Katniss, I will be here when you wake." I drift off contented, though there's a strange feeling in my abdomen. I can't quite place it, though its not unpleasant.
I awake in the afternoon. Peeta is still there with his arms around me, he's reading a book.
"Afternoon, sleepy," he says.
"How long did I sleep for?" I ask.
"Around 6 hours. I showered, changed and read a book and you didn't stir once. You did mumble in your sleep though."
"What did I say?" I am stricken, the last thing I remember was that feeling in my abdomen. Had I no self control?
"Something about the woods and not to eat the plants."
I relax at this. I was so used to keeping things to myself that the thought of my vulnerability during sleep concerned me, I'd need to keep a check on my thoughts from now on.
The rest of the day we spent in the kitchen. Peeta taught me how to make fruit loaf and chocolate cupcakes. These were a luxury that we could never afford the ingredients for in District 12 before the war. He promised he would teach me to bake cookies. I had seen these sweet treats once on the train to the games. I hoped there would be chocolate, I loved chocolate. He showed me how to mix different colours of frosting, mine never worked out like his though. He made beautiful shades of red, green and orange. Mine came out a sickly grey colour. This seemed to entertain him.
"It's okay Katniss, only one of us needs to be good at baking. You stick to your entrails."
In spite of my scowl, I laugh.