Katniss...
It's been weeks since Peeta's lips found mine in the night. And every night since. Sometimes when he kisses me I feel like I might physically ignite and burst into flames.
I close my eyes and sit back to bask in the sunlight. I'm sitting by the lake with my toes dipped in the cool water. I wanted to be alone this morning.
I dreamt of Prim last night, I woke feeling guilty as though I was betraying her in some way by not thinking of her as often. It's been ten months. The ache in my heart is still there, like a large gaping hole I may never be able to fill. I don't want to fill it either. Each day sometimes feels easier especially when I distract myself by helping Peeta plan his bakery or spend time with him in general.
Peeta and I made a promise to live our lives well to honor those in our memory book. As much as I intend on keeping that promise there are parts of me that feel guilt over Prim. That she won't get to grow up and fall in love, become a doctor, have kids, be happy. I should have died and she should have lived. Dr. Aurelius calls this survivor's guilt, regardless I fully believe it's the reality of how things should have been.
I weep silently for a while, large tears falling while I think of Prim playing with Buttercup, milking Lady to make cheese, telling me that I shouldn't give up on Peeta, that Buttercup and I should keep each other company. My sister, always knowing what I needed. I miss her so much.
Peeta was busy all day and I felt slightly lost. He had been accepted for the job as baker and given full control of organizing and furnishing his new premises. Some people had come from the Capitol to support the new businesses around town, teaching the owners additional skills.
As part of the new government regime, each citizen of Panem is entitled to claim a small allowance for food and clothing. This would only be temporary as everyone is expected to get a job eventually and contribute to the regrowth of society. What type of job would a fragmented, depressed ex-victor get in District 12? I think of raising geese with Haymitch and laugh to myself. I pull my socks and boots back on, wipe my tears and decide to head into town and see how Peeta is getting on.
Outside the new bakery, aptly named 'Mellark's Bakery', I find Delly sitting on a box scribbling notes down on some paper.
"Hi Delly," I say, sitting beside her.
"Hey Katniss, you are missing all the fun here. By fun I mean I am sitting here watching these men do all the work. How was your hunting?"
"I didn't do any hunting today." I reply, noticeably my game bag is empty. I hadn't thought about it when I left the lake, I was thinking of getting back to Peeta. I suddenly hear a shrill laugh coming from inside. A girl with fair hair emerges in a pretty silk dress; she looks a few years older than I am. She is petite and her hair is swept up in some elaborate style. I can already tell she's from the Capitol yet her look is slightly more demure than the usual fashions there. Peeta is with her laughing too.
"Who's that I ask?"
"Oh her name is Sascha, she's here to help people set up their business by giving financial advice and recommending the best purchase prices."
I don't like how she is leaning towards Peeta, her hand lingering near his shoulder. She's close to his proximity and he makes no move to back away.
"Katniss, you look like you are about to put an arrow through her throat." Delly interrupts my glaring.
"Well I was considering it."
"Katniss! Hey!" Peeta calls, walking down towards Delly and I. He stops in front of me and there's a slight awkwardness like he would have hugged me had this been within the confines of our home.
"Hi." I respond, still looking at the harpy in the silk dress.
"Katniss, this is Sascha. She's been a great help in sourcing suppliers for the bakery."
Sascha eyes me as though sizing me up. I can tell she's quite confident and there is no doubt in my mind she is interested in my fellow victor.
"The girl on fire. You looked fantastic in the parades. Cinna really did some amazing work on you. I'd love to see some of the work you both did together." She says, referring to the lie that I had taken up designing during the time between the 74th and 75th Hunger games.
"He was a talent and an amazing friend," I state flatly. I have no interest in engaging her in further conversation.
As if sensing this she turns her attention back to Peeta.
"Well Peeta, it was wonderful to talk to you. I'd love to accept your invitation to dinner sometime. Just let me know when." She squeezes his arm and heads further into town, her ridiculous heels clippety clopping all the way.
"Geez Katniss, couldn't you be nicer?" asks Peeta when she is out of earshot.
"Maybe, it was hard to find the words through the disgust of her practically mounting your leg."
Delly looks away biting her lip. She's either embarrassed or about to laugh. I'm about to get up and do my usual storming off but I decide not to. I don't know why.
"She was just being friendly." He's grinning though and it pisses me off.
"If that's what you call it. What do you think Delly? Was Sascha as friendly to you?"
"Well Sascha didn't actually acknowledge that I was here once."
"That's not helping Delly," Peeta chides her.
"Well let me know when Sascha is coming for dinner, I will be sure to make myself scarce so sure you two have plenty of time to get acquainted." I realize this is unfair, but I am mad. Mad that I can't be that girl who loves Peeta or shows him and doesn't care who sees it. This time I do storm off. I hear him calling my name but I ignore him.
When I arrive at the Victor's Village I go straight to Haymitch's. He's sitting on his armchair, swirling a glass of brown stuff. He looks at me and sighs.
"What have you gone and done now?"
"Nothing. Why do you always assume I have done something wrong?"
"It's written all over your face and if I have learned anything about you and that boy its that whenever there's drama, it's usually something to do with you."
I scowl, mostly because he is right.
"I'm sure he could care less, he's been busy acquainting himself with some Capitol harpy."
He laughs manically at this and his drink spills down his front.
"Sweetheart, if there were 500 naked girls running up and down the Victor's Village trying to entice Peeta Mellark, they would have to prise him from your iron grip to get anywhere."
"It's a good thing there's not. I don't think I have 500 arrows to hand." I sneer.
"Ahhh, girl has a sense of humor. Listen sweetheart, you and I are 2 sides of the same coin, uncommunicative, abrasive and stubborn. I'm older, wiser and had more years to be this way, you are still young and have a whole life of love and mistakes to make."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Stop closing yourself off. If you love the boy, love him. Don't give a flying fuck about anything or anyone else. There are no cameras here, no ones watching you, in fact most people here in District 12 are more concerned about getting back to living life than watching you two do whatever it is you are doing."
"I don't think he should be with me." Saying this out loud fills me with sudden relief.
"Why the hell not? After everything, after him going through hell and coming back here to you when there is nothing left for him here, just ghosts."
"He's the better one of the three of us. He should be happy, with a girl who isn't abrasive, uncommunicative and stubborn. He should have the chance to have a family."
"And you think that's your decision to make? Peeta is old enough to make his own choices. I'm sure if you told him you wanted to pack up and leave tomorrow he would be waiting by the station first thing."
I think this over while Haymitch drinks and falls asleep. Maybe it is wrong of me to make decisions for Peeta. Should I ask him about these things? Are we more than just friends, comfort for one another? The only time I feel I can ask such questions is in the dead of night when we lie in bed hoping sleep will take us before the flashbacks or dreams catch up.
Haymitch's snoring starts to irritate me and I decide I should probably leave. I suddenly don't know where to go. If I go home to my own house, I am being dramatic. If I go to Peeta's he will likely want to talk. I decide I should probably start acting like an adult if I am expected to be one. I'm already living alone, well without parents. I suppose I should accept responsibility for my actions too.
I'm at Peeta's door when I smell cooking. I'm suddenly hit by how hungry I am, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Peeta is the kitchen, he is slicing a joint of meat and there are cheese rolls on the table.
"Can I help?" I ask, hoping he isn't mad at me.
"You can pour us some drinks." He says not looking up.
I decide to make honey tea and busy myself boiling the water. The silence is killing me. I expected something from him, a lecture, yelling, anything.
We sit and eat in silence. Fine, I can't stand it any longer.
"Say something." I demand.
"What would you like me to say?" he asks.
"Something, anything."
"Katniss I am not sure what you want me to say, you stormed off and disappeared. You ignored me when I called for you."
I sigh. I don't know what to say, I get up to clean my plate. I'm not good at this, in fact when it comes to feelings I am positively awful at understanding and processing them.
Peeta comes up behind me and I feel his arms slip around my waist. I feel relief that he's not mad and I lean back against him, he puts his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry," I say, "I'm not good at this."
"At what? Being jealous?" He asks, I can hear that he's smiling as he says it.
"I am not jealous." I deny but I'm lying. This uneasy feeling in my stomach indicates otherwise.
"Then what?"
I turn around to face him, suddenly nervous. I reach for the back of his head and pull his mouth towards mine and I kiss him. He seems surprised at first, not reacting initially then he pulls me closer and we are locked in a heated embrace with the kitchen surface pressing into my back, I don't care enough to move.
We only break apart when the door swings open and Haymitch sweeps in asking for dinner.
I flush, embarrassed by the interruption.
Haymitch cackles, "Interrupting something am I?"
"No, let me get you a plate." Peeta responds, I stand there not quite sure if I should be annoyed at Haymitch for interrupting or Peeta for saying that he wasn't. I turn around to wash my hands just for something to do.
Peeta sits with Haymitch and talks about the bakery. I feed Buttercup left over scraps whilst sitting on the kitchen floor not really paying attention to their conversation. Instead I think about all the times I considered eating Buttercup and now here we are. I rub Buttercup's belly as he rolls over and stretches. I've come to love this stupid cat, It's one of the only things I have left tying Prim to my world. Except my mother, but she's gone. I tried to resent her for this but after the strained relationship we had before the games, I find it a relief that she, like Gale has gone. Now I only have to look out for myself. And Peeta. And Haymitch. I look at them both, this is my family now. Peeta, Haymitch and Buttercup.
Buttercup grows bored of me and goes off to hunt. I stand up and dust off my pants and decide to bathe. I don't bother to interrupt Peeta and Haymitch. I head upstairs and turn the water on, shedding my clothes and filling the bath with water and some sweet smelling liquid Effie sent me. I lay there and soak, staring at the ceiling. The water has started to turn cold when I hear the door downstairs shut, Haymitch must have left. I get out of the bath and dry myself then decide to apply some aloe cream. Effie sent this too with a note saying it would help soothe my skin, I assume she meant from the burns. You can't soothe scars though, I think as I smooth the cream over my body.
When I leave the bathroom the bedroom is still empty and I can hear Peeta rattling dishes downstairs. I search for something clean to wear to bed but can't find a thing. Every few days I go back to my house and grab a few things to change into here at Peeta's, I guess I have forgotten to do this lately. I find fresh underwear and raid Peeta's drawers for a t-shirt. I find one that seems long enough but it barely covers my thighs. I'll be covered by sheets anyway I think, and I slip into Peeta's bed.
When he enters the room a few moments later, I suddenly remember that I was mad at him...or was it Haymitch…So I face the opposite direction and close my eyes. I know he won't think I'm sleeping, considering the restless nights we often have. I hear him undress and then he climbs in beside me. He puts the light out and lies perfectly still. I wonder how long this will last considering my earlier demand after dinner. I decide I can hold out longer this time and resolve myself to staring into the dark.
A few moments pass and I readjust my position in the bed, partly because I was not comfortable and the other to see if I get a reaction.
Peeta does not say a word or move closer to hold me in his arms. I'm suddenly overwhelmed by how much I need those arms around me, how I feel comforted by his touch. By how safe they...no he, makes me feel.
But my stubbornness takes control and I lie there trying to relax my breathing as Dr. Aurelius had talked about.