Peeta…
I don't know why neither of us is talking. It feels like she is a million miles from me on the other end of the bed.
Seeing Katniss act jealous earlier was such a thrill. It takes a lot to break down her walls and figure out her feelings. Lately I feel I'm getting somewhere between the kisses and the domesticity as Delly calls it. I have no idea why she's distancing herself right now, I'm afraid to ask. She was the one who kissed me after dinner, it surprised me. She only ever kisses me in the dead of night. Though I've started to think that's because when we leave the room in the morning she can leave the kisses and the possibilities there and outside they don't exist.
Fuck this. I can't lie here all night wondering what is going on. "Katniss?" I whisper, there's no real need to whisper but I play along with her pretense that she's asleep.
She turns to face me, "What Peeta?"
"Why are you mad at me?"
"I'm not mad."
"The fact you are practically lying next door and ignoring me implies otherwise."
"Well you didn't seem to care earlier when you spent the rest of the evening with Haymitch."
Is she feeling rejected? I didn't know how to react earlier, or how Katniss would react if I drew attention to our kissing. So I played the part of polite host. And I couldn't very well send Haymitch away, not when he so rarely actively seeks a meal with company.
"I was being polite, would you have preferred if I said we were busy kissing and he should leave?"
"No...but you acted like he didn't interrupt."
"So I should have said 'Yes Haymitch you are interrupting, Katniss is currently trying to put her tongue down my throat.' I'm not sure he would want to know that."
"I did not...there was no tongue!'
"Not yet," I grin at her. I love teasing Katniss.
She rolls her eyes and I hold my arms out to invite her into our usual embrace. At first she hesitates then rolls over into me. She smells so good and her skin is soft.
"How was your day?" I ask, hoping to ease us back to better terms.
"Okay...I didn't hunt, I spent time by the lake. I was thinking about Prim."
If she was thinking about Prim then that usually means she has been crying. I suddenly feel bad for not asking during dinner.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"For what?"
"Not being there."
"That's not your fault."
"I've never seen a lake other than in the games."
"I'll take you sometime," I hope she means it. I'd love to spend the day with Katniss by the lake. The only time we have ever had anything close to a date was on the roof of the training building before the Quarter Quell.
"I'd like that." I reply and because I can't help myself I add, "Maybe we can invite Sascha." I immediately feel Katniss body go rigid.
"Well if you want to spend time with her, you can damn well do it someplace that isn't mine." She spits out.
"Relax Katniss," I say as I press my lips to her hair, "I only want to spend time with you."
"Then why did you bring her up."
"Because it makes you mad and it's one of the only times I have ever seen you react jealously. And it's endearing." It means you care, I want to add.
She's silent for a few moments as if considering this, then she asks, "Why do you love me?" I know she isn't seeking reassurance from this question. She wants the truth.
"Because," I begin, "When you love, you love fiercely. When your walls are down and you let yourself feel it's beautiful Katniss. When you sing the birds stop to listen, you're brave and you captivate me."
"You could find someone else, someone that all this is easier with."
"Why would I want easy, I've waited for this…for you for years...You felt something for me on the beach, real or not real?"
"Real." I love these moments of honesty. I could live here forever in the dark with Katniss telling me all her secrets. She's tracing patterns over my hands which are holding her to my chest, it feels nice.
"At the Quell I told you there's no life for me back here without you, every day at school I'd look forward to seeing you, even if I couldn't talk to you. I then went from wishing I could talk to you to facing my inevitable death alongside you. Then you saved me. How could I go home and never acknowledge my feelings again, I only loved you more after those games."
"But I ignored you." She states matter of factly.
"You did, and I spent months trying to forget you. Hating Gale for being the one you chose to be with. But I couldn't forget you, part of me hoped you would come around and at least be my friend, eventually."
"I feel awful about it," she admits, "I was afraid."
"Of?" I ask, urging her to go on.
"Losing Gale, I knew he loved me. I didn't feel the same way but I tried to see if I could feel that way because I didn't want to hurt or disappoint him. I didn't know I couldn't lose you too then. Not until President Snow threatened our lives. You were then on my mind along with our families and Haymitch. I feel bad about the way I treated you upon our return."
It's true, she had asked me to run away with her before the Quarter Quell. I had been willing to go. I would go anywhere she asked me without question.
"During the Games I would sometimes think of Gale watching us back here on the screens and it somehow made things…us, seem less real. It wasn't real for me then though, not in the first arena… All I could think about was keeping myself alive, then you and then I kept thinking what would Haymitch want for the cameras. Things became confusing in the cave. We were kissing once and I remember wanting more but you stopped us. You said we had to go"
This pleases me. She had wanted more, I was already under Katniss Everdeen's skin before I even realised.
"Then I regret interrupting us," I say as I kiss her cheek.
"What were you thinking, on the beach when I kissed you?"
This memory I have reclaimed in spite of the Capitol trying to convince my brain otherwise. Katniss telling me that she needed me.
"I was thinking that if I died after that, It would have been worth it."
"That's not funny." She smiles.
"I was thinking that if we made it, if we got through the games somehow. I might actually have a chance with you. I knew the odds were against us but I still hoped." I stroke her hair. How many nights have I been awake thinking of moments like this. Too many, sometimes I cant believe this is real.
"Peeta? Do you want children?" She asks awkwardly.
"Are you asking or offering?"
"Shut up, answer the question seriously."
"I would, someday…"
"I don't." I'm not surprised by this. Besides who's to say she won't change her mind. I can live without children in my future as long as she's with me.
"That's okay too." I reply.
"It's not though. You deserve a future with a girl who makes you happy, wants to have your children."
"Katniss, have you not been paying attention to a thing I have said. Without you there is no happiness. I can live without everything else as long as I'm with you. We're done with this, I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm yours, take me or leave me." This girl drives me crazy, what do I have to do to convince her.
"You say that now but what about in five, maybe ten years from now."
"I still won't care as long as I have you to come home to."
"You're crazy."
"I am." I nuzzle her hair.
Katniss moves away from me and I try to pull her back, she resists and kneels facing me. I notice for the first time that she is wearing my shirt, it only just covers her thighs. I feel that familiar fire begin in my abdomen. She really does drive me crazy.
"Katniss, is that my shirt?"
"It is, I didn't have anything clean left over here."
"It's okay," I grin, "It looks better on you."
She looks at me shyly, then leans over and kisses me.
"I guess I'm stuck with you Peeta Mellark." She says, leaning back again.
"I can think of worse things," I say as I reach for her and pull her down towards me, my lips searching for hers. We kiss for a while, softly at first and then with fervor. I feel bold tonight so I let my hands wander down her back and rest on her hips. I like how she feels against my body, the soft pressure as she lies against my chest. I find my mind wandering, what would it be like to have her straddle me. Have her grip me within her strong thighs. I can feel my body reacting to this, I should probably stop thinking so much.
Katniss runs her hand down my chest and it lingers by the hem of my t-shirt. Suddenly she pushes the shirt up and starts running her fingers up and over my belly onto my chest, then she draws invisible patterns. I feel her finger graze my nipple and then she touches them, feeling the shape and tracing her fingers over them. I sigh, my nipples are hard and my body is betraying me. I can feel my cock strain in my pants. I break away from our kisses and pant out "Katniss, what are you doing to me?"
"Feeling your body." She states as if it's obvious and I'm clearly an idiot.
"No I got that, it's just...are you sure?" I am an idiot. Who questions a beautiful woman when she's touching you? No man for sure.
"Shut up Peeta and just kiss me." We resume our desperate kisses and she continues to trace the patterns on my body. Katniss shifts her position and suddenly brings her thigh up and over my lower half. It's resting on my crotch and I feel slightly embarrassed that she now knows the state she has me in.
I want to kiss her neck and feel her skin beneath my fingertips but I'm afraid she might pull away, not ready for that contact yet. I'm busy weighing up whether its worth it or not when Katniss suddenly starts moving her leg rubbing into my erection. If she keeps this up I'm going to explode.
Is she teasing me to see how I react? My hands are still on her hips, I'm filled with drunken lust now so I let my hands wander up towards her breasts and gently feel them through the fabric of 'my' T-shirt. Its not enough though so I slide one hand like she did, down towards the hem of the shirt and slip my hand up slowly running my fingers up to her breasts. I knead them gently, her nipples become hard under my fingertips. I would love to put one between my lips. I've never done this before, I've kissed girls during games in the past and sometimes when I took matters into my own hands I imagined this, with Katniss or my teacher Ms. Domna. But that was before I was reaped. My head has been full of Katniss since the 74th games. I don't want to push my luck and I don't want this moment to end.
I squeeze her nipple gently and she sighs inwardly. Her breathing has quickened and I can feel the heat intensify between our bodies. She has stopped moving her thigh and I ache to be touched there. I push my hips forward instinctively, pressing my erection into her thigh. Katniss breaks away from my mouth and is short of breath like she had just ran for miles. My hand is still cupping a bare breast.
She looks down at my hand and smiles shyly, "How do you feel?" She asks.
"Frustrated," I answer, removing my hand from her breast. I should probably go take care of this in the bathroom. Instead Katniss lies on her side facing me. "I'm sorry," she apologises but the smile on her face indicates otherwise.
"It's okay, I should probably go take care of this." I say. I plan to move but I linger in the hope she might help me out.
I close my eyes then I feel Katniss lips against my ear as she whispers, "touch yourself."
My eyes open wide, did I hear her correctly?
"What?"
"I want you to take care of it...I want to watch."
I'm competently taken aback, I was not expecting this but then hadn't I lingered with purpose? Though I hope I wasn't completely obvious.
Katniss leans into me and kisses my ear and down my neck then takes my hand and places it gently over my crotch. This girl will be the end of me.
I'm suddenly too nervous to do anything, her hand is still over mine though and she's now moving my hand up and down the bulge in my pants. A moan escapes my lips and she whispers again to show her. I can't stand holding back anymore so I lift my hips and slide my shorts down. My cock springs free of it's confines and Katniss lets out a little gasp. I wonder if she's ever seen one before, other than the diagrams at school. I don't think Katniss has ever been intimate with anyone. I force myself to think of something else before I start to consider what she got up to in the woods. I take her hand and clasp her fingers around my hard dick. I show her how I like it, slowly pumping the base of the cock, teasing the head. Precum has leaked over our fingers, I take my hand away and she uses the Precum to lubricate her hand and slides it up and down. I don't know how long I can hold back but before I can warn her I cum all over my belly. Katniss strokes me for a while longer and I lay back completely relaxed still trying to make sense of what just happened.