Katniss...
Peeta lies there exposed, his face a mix of contentment and confusion. He also looks sleepy. I slip out of bed to go to the bathroom, wash my hands and then return with some tissue to wipe the liquid from his belly. I had been caught in the moment, curiosity and desire taking over. I hadn't expected him to take my hand. I had enjoyed hearing his soft moans as I stroked him. I was gentle, following his lead.
I lay back down beside Peeta, resting my head on the hollow of his neck. "Peeta?"
"Mmm?" He mumbles back, eyelids fluttering open.
I look down indicating at his shorts which are still halfway down his legs.
"Oh," he flushes as he adjusts and pulls them back up. I kiss his cheek, he doesn't have to be embarrassed, that's usually my role. The 'pure' one.
"Go to sleep." I tell him.
"You don't want..." He trails off, looking at me intently. I think I know what he wants but I'm not ready for any further intimacy, although the damp feeling and the throbbing in between my legs indicates otherwise.
"Not tonight." I answer. In all honesty the thought of letting go of my control and allowing Peeta to touch me or us having sex makes me nervous. It felt nice when he was touching my breasts. I actually wanted to giggle a little, he was very enthusiastic. Sometimes it's hard to remember that we are still two teenagers and if circumstances had been different we would have dated which may have led to us exploring each other's bodies in time. But we are certainly not like typical lovers.
Peeta hasn't said a word since I answered. He's staring at the ceiling. I stroke his chest and wait for him to say something. I have a feeling he's not going straight to sleep.
"Not tonight but some other night?" He looks at me hopeful yet teasing.
I swat his chest, "Don't push your luck Mellark and don't overthink it, you might go crazy."
He grins, "You already drive me crazy."
"Go to sleep." I say again.
Peeta shuts his eyes and holds me closer to him as he drifts off.
I can't seem to shut my mind off from thinking of everything that's happened to Peeta and I recently. How I keep betraying my thoughts that he should be with someone else. I don't want him to be with anyone else but me. I want Peeta always. I remembered whispering that I loved him when he last had a serious episode. Did I mean it? What is love? I think of how my father loved my mother, committed, selfless and passionate. She loved him wholly to the point when he died she couldn't find a way to go on. In a way I resented her for not loving Prim and I as much as she loved out father or honouring his legacy by ensuring we were cared for. Instead she almost let us starve to death.
I don't want to be like her. I want to be like my father who could express his love in so many ways. I doubt I can ever be, but I can try. For Peeta. I hug him tighter and he stirs but does not wake. I press my lips to his neck and then feel sleep take over me.
In the morning I wake up, the sunlight streaming through the gaps in the curtains. I groan and throw an arm over my face, blocking it from my eyes.
"Good morning Katniss," says Peeta as he tickles my face with the end of my braid. Talking signifies it's time to wake up, I'm not ready for talking. As if sensing this Peeta starts planting light kisses on my neck. I grin and a deep sigh escapes my lips.
He pulls away and says, "I had a dream last night, though I'm about 95 percent sure I wasn't dreaming at all."
"And what happened in this dream?" I tease, knowing full well what he is referring to.
"You were helping me out with a problem."
"I was? And what kind of problem was that?"
He looks unsure. I realise he's too shy to say the words. And again, I'm the 'pure' one?
"That I asked you to masturbate?" The words come out in a whisper.
He nods his head, his eyes are searching my face. I don't know what he wants me to say.
"Then I guess it wasn't a dream." I say. I'm not used to this type of conversation in the daylight.
Peeta relaxes beside me, seems neither of us are ready to move.
"Did you like it?" I ask, if he says no I'll probably be humiliated.
"I don't think I have ever enjoyed it so much in my life." He grins. His smile is infectious because I feel a smile creep across my lips. "Play your cards right and I may help you out again." I tease.
"Now?" He asks hopefully. I laugh and he looks dejected. I lean forward and kiss him, he can take care of this one himself I think as I feel his arousal press jot my thigh. "Enjoy your shower I say as i get up to feed Buttercup and leave him to it.
"Aw Katniss don't leave me hanging!" He calls as I head downstairs. I stop on the last step and reconsider. No, It wouldn't kill him to wait until tonight. I smile to myself and head to the kitchen, my head full of thoughts of what he was doing upstairs.
After feeding Buttercup and leaving him a saucer of milk I throw on yesterday's pants and head to my own house. I pack a weeks worth of clean clothes in a bag then decide to take a shower here. My mind wanders to Peeta across the gardens, I wonder if he's in his own shower now. Taking care of his morning problem, thinking about last night. I feel my body react to the thought of Peeta's muscles tensing under the hot stream of the shower. I change the water to a cooler temperature and try and focus on something else. Once again I didn't feel like going hunting today, I seem to be having more days like this when the empty forest seems daunting than the welcoming place I used to escape to.
After my shower I dress and dry my hair with towel. I look out the window to see Peeta feeding Haymitch's geese with leftover seed. I braid my hair and grab my bag then head down to see him.
"I wondered where you went." He says.
"I needed clean clothes and decided to shower."
He nods his head indicating towards my bag. "You should really just bring all of your things to our house." Our house.
"Are you presuming I intend to stay?" I reply, trying to make my face unreadable.
"Well I presume you aren't going to Haymitch's...I just thought it would make things easier, plus we practically live together now as it is." His face is serious now. I drop the bag and grab a handful of seed from his bag. I busy myself with feeding the geese and eventually say, "Well I was planning on moving in with Haymitch." In truth I'm slightly unnerved, he just asked me to move in with him permanently.
He chuckles at this and throws the rest of the seed into the pen and then before I can stop him he grabs me by the waist and lifts me up over his shoulder like a sack of flour. He grabs the bag in his other hand and starts walking back to his house. I'm struggling, trying to get him to release me but I'm also laughing, it's a strange sound. Carefree and hearty.
"Peeta! Put me down!" I demand. I can't break free, he's too strong, even with one leg. He laughs at me. "Katniss I don't intend on letting you go anywhere or even to stay with another man. Now I've got you, I'm keeping you."
Haymitch appears at his window, yells something about getting a room and slams his window shut.
When we get to the door, I open it and Peeta puts me down in the hallway. A sudden feeling of warmth comes over me and I pull him into an embrace. I just wanted to feel him close to me. We linger for a short time then break free when the buzzer for the oven goes off. Bread must be ready.
We have bread and butter for breakfast along with some jam that Greasy Sae made from strawberries I found in the forest. Since I spent so much time at Peeta's these days she rarely stopped by to cook for us, figuring I would probably actually eat meals now without her supervision.
I had certainly filled out in the last six months.
"Are you going hunting today?" Peeta asks.
"No I thought I would go tomorrow."
"You used to go every day." This sounds like a question.
"It feels empty without Gale." I answer honestly.
"I see." Is all he says. Though there's not much to say, he can't fill the role of my hunting partner and he's already more than my best friend.
"I thought I would stay home today, teach you to bake cookies." He interrupts the silence, I don't believe he intended on staying home but the gesture is sweet nonetheless.
"Don't you have work to do?"
"The fitting of the equipment is done and the place stinks of paint. I'll leave it to air out and avoid the headache. The stock arrives in the next couple of days so there's not a lot to be done til then."
"Then let's make cookies. There better be chocolate." I say.
"Katniss if you had your way we would eat nothing but chocolate."
"It's your fault, you introduced me to dipping bread into hot chocolate on the train!"
Peeta shows me how to mix cookie dough from flour, eggs, baking soda, butter and sugar. We add a few more ingredients and then the chocolate chips. Peeta confiscates the bowl with the chips in it from me because I keep eating them. Peeta shows me how to drop large spoonfuls of dough onto a tray in order for them to bake and become cookies. He puts them in the oven and I use my fingers to eat left over dough.
"Hey, leave some for me."
I continue to lick my fingers, Peeta tries to snatch the bowl but I pull it away laughing. I scrape another finger through the cookie dough and this time I rub it on Peeta's nose. "Hey!" He exclaims, "I could have eaten that."
I respond by pulling his shirt towards me and licking the dough from his nose. His lips soon find mine and we spend the next twelve minutes kissing only breaking apart because the cookies were ready. I want to eat one now but Peeta says they have to cool first.
A strange thought enters into my mind, this is the first time I have felt relaxed and...happy. In longer than I can remember. I know what Dr. Aurelius would say, it's progress. I'm scared though that the debilitating depression will return and I will go back to that dead feeling where there were no good days and I could see nothing in my future. I guess I should address that on our next telephone call.
The next day I do go hunting. I shoot some squirrels and I'm surprised I manage to shoot a small buck. My mouth waters at the thought of venison steak. I don't want to drag it the whole way back so I skin and cut the best parts and leave the rest to the wild.
Last night Peeta and I had gone to bed early, I had suspected he hoped more would happen than sleep but he had an episode and it took time to pass, then when we drifted off I had a nightmare rousing us both from sleep again. After that we just held one another and closed our eyes hoping the resting would suffice.
I head back to District 12 and go straight to Greasy Sae's to drop off some of the game, she thanks me and I give her little grand daughter a hug and chat for a while.
I'm considering going straight home but I find myself heading towards the bakery. It's warm today and people are rushing to get into the shade in town. I spot Delly sitting outside the bakery and walk over to join her.
"Hey Katniss!" She's always so pleasant and happy. It could get irritating but Delly is actually one of the most genuine people I have come to know.
"Hey Delly, how are you?" I ask politely.
"I'm trying to read these boring books on finances that Sascha left. I figured I could maybe help Peeta a bit."
"I'm sure he would appreciate it."
"He's inside with Thom," she informs me but I'm happy to sit here and talk to her.
"Thom huh?" I say, giving her a look.
Thom and Peeta emerge from the store shirtless and sweaty.
"Now I see why you are happy to help." I tease her.
She shushes me under her breath as Thom greets me.
"How was the hunt?" Peeta asks, once again there's that awkward lingering like we should embrace or something.
"Productive," I tell him, indicating to my bag, "I caught a deer, it was small, Greasy Sae she said she will bring over some steaks later."
"You should join us," says Peeta to Thom and Delly.
Thom and Delly agree to visit after 6 for dinner. Peeta and Thom have more sacks of flour to take into the bakery so I sit back with Delly and discuss topics which are generally of no interest to me.
Gossip, the new clothing shops rumoured to be opening, the possibility of even a shoe shop. I watch Peeta flex his muscles and lift the bags over his shoulder as easily as he lifted me yesterday. His shoulders and chest are shiney with sweat. I find that I quite enjoy looking which is stupid because I would never have considered behaving like such a lust filled girl in the past.
Delly snaps me back to reality when she says, "So I heard Peeta asked you to move in with him."
"What? Oh. Did he tell you that?"
"He mentioned it this morning, he seems very happy lately."
I feel slightly uneasy, what else has he told her.
"I'm considering it." I say, not sure how else to engage in this conversation.
"Everyone already thinks you live there anyway." She says. I almost snap at her that it's no one else's business but I quickly remember that Delly has known Peeta for years, of course he must tell her some things. I hope again that it's just some things.
Peeta comes back outside and sits with us on out makeshift crate seats, he's drinking from a bottle of water and offers me some, I take a swig and hand him back the bottle. He has put his shirt back on and it's clinging to his body.
"You need a shower," I tell him, elbowing him gently in the ribs.
"This is how real men smell Katniss." He grins.
Before I can retort a familiar figure in silk arrives interrupting us.
"Peeta! You look like you have been working hard." She says pointing out the obvious. Peeta stands and greets her. Damn him for always being the polite and friendly one.
They talk about how things are getting on with the bakery.
"We should be opening soon." He tells her.
"Oh we must celebrate together! You should come to my place, we can have drinks." She touches his arm, flirting again.
I suddenly stand and take Peeta's hand, leaning into him. I'm being jealous again, marking my territory. This time I don't care.
"We'd love to." I tell her, I put on the fake smile I used so many times during Cesar's interviews in the Capitol. Sensing my lead Peeta puts his arm around my waist.
"Yes of course, Katniss should come along too." She says, her voice implying that's exactly not what Katniss should do.
"We should make it a party," I say, " I'm sure Delly and Thom would love to join us, there's such little opportunity for gatherings lately." Sascha looks horrified and I feel pleased with myself though slightly sorry for her.
"I'll get back to you on the details," she says, though from her tone I think it is unlikely we will hear anything further about celebrating again.
Sascha makes her excuses to leave and heads off further into town. I don't let go of Peeta's hand when she leaves, I feel him squeeze my hand gently.