Northfield Ch 17

They stood before the fireplace, looking at each other, anguished.

"So, it is Elaine?" Shelagh asked.

That was a rhetorical question. Patrick nodded.

"Yes. I…we…we all assumed she was dead. Or rather, we didn't know if she was dead or alive. I should….I should call Joan. But there is something I need to tell you."

His hands had a tremor, and he bowed his head. "Timothy is adopted."

"Adopted?"

"Yes. And he does not know it. Yet. In the circumstances, we thought it better that way."

"What circumstances?"

"He is Elaine's natural child. She is his birth mother. But he has been with us since the day he was born. Shelagh, you'd better sit down. I will tell you the whole story. "

xxxxxx

"I knew both the Parker girls since I was twelve. My father had a general practice in Birmingham. He was drawn to the Northfield experiments after the new methods proved successful with some of his patients. Our families were friends, the Parkers, Bions, Rickmans, and the Foulkes*. And us Turners. Doctor Parker was a gregarious man. We had jolly parties and a lot of scientific discussions. The children were even invited to join in.

The man I most admired, though, was Rickman. He had been through war traumas himself. He was one of the first psychoanalysts to seek re-analysis and help when he felt his professionalism had failed. He was a remarkable man, a pacifist and a conscientious objector committed to progress. Jennifer was very enchanted with him too.

But I digress.

Jennifer was the elder twin, beautiful, composed and strong. But it was not her I was taken with at first. Elaine was brilliant. Mercurial. She had a dashing sense of fashion, and a wicked sense of humour."

Shelagh saw that this act of remembrance made him restless and uneasy, as if his mind was detached from his body. He was talking of these long gone events as if he had been an observer, not a participant.

"Elaine and I got engaged when she was seventeen and I nineteen. But it didn't last. She grew unstable. She became… crazy. She seemed to be on the brink of psychosis. After some….impropriety which was not her fault alone but mine too, she broke our engagement and ran away to France. To study medicine, it was said. Later I learned from Jennifer that it was really medicine, drugs and vagrancy, depending on her mental state. The Parkers were distressed and ashamed. They had a hard time accepting the fact that their daughter was ill.

Our sorrow for Elaine had drawn Jennifer and me together. We were about to get married when Elaine came back, without any notice. She was clearly having a bad phase."

He jerked a little. "By that time, the sisters didn't look so much alike anymore. Elaine had bleached her naturally brunette hair totally blonde. One sign of her illness, as we have learned from textbooks." He paused. "It is still odd to see that happening to someone who…you've known since childhood."

He halted again for some moments, swallowing hard.

"The well-meaning Doctors in our circle tried to help and organized group therapy for Elaine and her family. Jennifer and I attended too, as a matter of course."

Shelagh's pinched her lips.

"Yes, Shelagh, I see you wincing. But it wasn't quite so extraordinary, and still isn't. I am sure that you have seen such sessions at Hampstead Heath. We were young, we were experimenting, and we believed that we could change the world. We worshipped our heroes, the pioneering Doctors. Jennifer and I held Rickman in high esteem, in many ways similar with you admiring Anna Freud. That kind of admiration can be deceptive."

He gave her a questioning look. "Did you know that Ernest Jones wished to marry Anna Freud?"

Shelagh was astonished. "No, I didn't." She kept her counsel for a while. She had to ruminate this. "I know that Doctor Jones helped the Freuds to emigrate. They owe their life to him, in one sense."

"Yes, that is true. He has done more for them as a human being than as a fellow scientist or a possible son-in-law. But Anna was kept from him by her father. He didn't encourage Jones' attachment. Was he within his rights to meddle?"

Shelagh, still shocked by the primary news of the day, could not quite respond. "I don't know. I know that the families have remained friendly, despite some professional disputes. What is it that you are trying to say?"

"I try to point out that we are humans and families first and Doctors and healers second. We should not blur the line between the private and the professional." He inhaled deep. "But we didn't think of that carefully enough in 1938."

"We should not have experimented on a frail human person like Elaine. The group therapy was where she really deteriorated. She was angry because I had transferred my feelings to Jennifer despite the fact that Elaine was the one to break our engagement and run away. Yet she accepted the idea of counseling with the two of us included. She became suicidal. Electric shock treatment was recommended. Despite their misgivings, the Parkers ultimately agreed. After the treatment, Elaine seemed better, but she went away again. To Paris, or so she said. After two years – Jennifer and I were, of course, married by then – she came back, pregnant."

He paused, eventually continuing slowly in a heavy voice:

"It was the right time to return because Jennifer was also pregnant. Identical twins have an odd kinship. I do not believe in anything supernatural, but I wonder about their seemingly telepathic communication, like a thread in the heart connecting the sisters. "

He was silent for a long time.

"We heard stories that Elaine had told to all and sundry that the baby she was expecting was mine. She had to be certified. "

He was fidgeting with his thumbs again.

"Jennifer miscarried at five months. The shock induced Elaine's labor. Timothy was born premature, at eight months. A precarious baby.

Elaine was not much better after the birth. Cuthbert was her gift to the baby. Although at first he wasn't called Cuthbert. She had named that Teddy bear Sir Galahad."

Shelagh let out a little sob. Patrick put his cold hand on hers. She let it happen but after a while pulled her hand away.

"Jennifer wanted us to become Tim's legal guardians. Elaine was angry. Because she was still certified, the Parkers suggested at first that we not tell her, as she had no say in the matter. But Jennifer was an upright person and struggled with her conflicting responsibilities. She wanted to be honest. She didn't mind the rumours that I was Tim's real father. She was a courageous woman, and a caring one.

Elaine disappeared again after that. One year later we legalized the adoption.

I haven't seen her since then. Since 1940. She didn't turn up at Jennifer's funeral in 1945. Joan and I made an effort to find her, but it was impossible with all the upheaval after the war. Gradually, we fell into the habit of not talking about her. It was not a conscious choice at first. I swear that, Shelagh. But there was an element of….survivor's guilt in the Parker family, with Jennifer and me especially. We had talked of how and when to tell Timothy, but chastened by the misguided group counselling, we were conflicted. If Jennifer hadn't died….Granny Parker was the one to give Tim that family album with no pictures of Elaine. Lately, Joan has talked of how Timothy should be told all this. She herself would like to share some memories of her girls with her only grandchild, before…it's too late.

I know it sounds like a pitiful story. We should have made more effort in finding her. I am too busy; Joan is too old. We were wounded by so much. It made us paralysed.

I really can't defend myself. Except that I have never intentionally lied.

I know that some gossip-mongers here at Poplar talk of me as a morally suspect person. But that is the lot of those who work in psychiatry and who are progressive. Ignorance and stupidity, you can't beat those. I think my work here is a testimonial to my character."

He raised his head and looked at Shelagh with wistful eyes.

"Then I met you."

Shelagh started to cry. He moved closer and caressed her hair. "My darling little elf. My own poor lost lamb. Do you not think that if I had had the opportunity, I would have prevented this? My brilliant comrade-in-arms. I should have been a better soldier. "

He wiped her tears with his handkerchief. "There. My brave, bold girl. "

He pulled himself apart a little. "I have managed for so long by keeping this matter in the past: not thinking of it, not talking of it. It all took place in the most extraordinary circumstances. "

Shelagh drew a breath. "Extraordinary circumstances," she said in a little voice.

"Yes, sweetheart. Even if you can't take it all in now, you will in time. We are too strong to let this destroy us. We will find a way, I promise."

"Patrick….."

"Yes?"

"You said…..impropriety. With Elaine. When you were engaged."

Patrick turned his head away. His mouth twitched.

"Did you have sexual relations with Elaine?"

He let his head drop. "Yes."

Shelagh was silent for a quite long time. Then she asked in a monotone voice: "And you aren't Timothy's natural father?"

She could hear his teeth gnaw. "No." His voice was hoarse.

Shelagh rose. Patrick took her hand. "Please, do not leave now, Shelagh." But he didn't try to stop her when she left the room.

"Sorry, Patrick, I can't….talk anymore. Not today."

XXXX

*) Siegfried Foulkes, Wilfred Bion and John Rickman are the founders of group psychotherapy and therapeutic communities in Britain. Bion and Rickman set up the so-called Northfield experiment in 1942.