Chapter 4: Knowing
*James' POV*
They know. They fucking know. They all think that I'm a freak that makes himself throw up. They don't understand. They're all so perfect, the only thing I am is 'pretty'. I want to be thin as well; this was the best way I could think of doing it, without them suspecting a thing. I used to eat too much. Too much pie, too many cheeseburgers, meatball subs, even dog biscuits. I had to stop. I had to get rid of it somehow. But they don't understand, they're all so good at everything, Logan's a genius, and Kendall's smart and sings amazingly, Carlos put so much effort into everything, he's crazy but he shouldn't be any other way. They don't understand.
*Carlos' POV*
I know. I fucking know. I know why I'm always so crazy. I know it's not my fault. I don't understand. Why me? I know I've always been this way, it's just, why? Logan once said that mental illnesses are something to do with chemicals. Does it mean like an explosion in my brain which makes me really crazy? I just don't understand. Does it mean I'm not normal? I just don't get it. Maybe Logan can help. I don't understand how he's not happy- does he not see how cute kittens are and how wonderful sunshine is? Maybe it's like he's wearing sunglasses or a blindfold and can only see the darkness. Kendall's always got angry easily, he's shot tempered, but James. James loves food, why would he waste it like that? How can he do that too himself? Being sick is gross. I just don't understand.
*Logan's POV*
They know. They fucking know. They all think I'm weird, just because I'm not happy, because I can't see the goodness in the world. They don't understand. They're all so amazing- James is good looking, everyone loves him. Carlos is the cute kid who's friendly to everyone and Kendall, Kendall is smart, kind and talented. I'm none of those things. They think I'm smart, but I'm not, so many people are way smarter than me. They don't understand, I'm nothing but thousands of flaws. I could write a book of things I don't like about myself. Everyone thought I should have been kicked out of the band. First with the Wayne-Wayne situation, the whole 'My money's on Logan' thing. Well, I'm sorry that I suck at everything. Then Kendall told me what Katie told him in the ducts- that'll I'll be kicked out. I should have just quit there and then, but I didn't, because of the guys and Camille. They're the best things in my life, but to them I'm the 'short straw' or I get things wrong just because I give money to get people to like me. I'm sorry that that's the only way people will ever like me. They just don't understand.
*Kendall's POV*
I know. I fucking know. I knew there was something wrong with them, I just didn't know what but now I know. It's just I don't understand. How come we're so messed up? We've overcome so much, Hollywood fever, fans and the British invasion, but we can't overcome our own minds? That's what's fucking messed up. Theses 'illnesses' are controlling us. We're not in control anymore. James is now best friends with the toilet bowl, Logan might try to top himself and Carlos could easily get too hyper and get into an accident. What happened to the four hockey players from Minnesota? Who nothing could go wrong for if they were together. I don't fucking understand.