Let it be known I am an awful person! I didn't mean to delay this long! I just got really caught up in a few things.-.

TRIGGER WARNING! IF U GET TRIGGERED EASILY DO NOT READ!

I don't own a thing…

A month slides by it becomes so painfully real how this is so much harder than we originally thought. Darry just finished one round of bills that leaves us aching and bit soar for money. With a second round coming in less than a week, Soda wants to get a job.

Of course Darry doesn't think it's so hot of an idea. In fact he almost seemed offended. They talk about it when I'm supposed to be asleep. Of course I'm not with the horrid nightmares that haunt me every time I try. Darry and Soda both know I'm not getting the full 8 hours of sleep like before, the whole gang does. I try and act like I don't have bags under my eyes, and that the fact that I get tired and worn so easily has to do with that teachers are loading up work before the end of the year.

"Darry, I think it would be best if I went out and found a job."

There is silence, I wonder if Darry is making some kind of horrified shocked expression or if he look lost in thought debating if this is a good idea. "No." Maybe he had an indifferent face as well.

"But Darry! We need this! We need the money!"

Again it's quite but not because Darry is thinking but he does something so low I can't hear like sigh. "Fine, I'll handle it. Go to bed you have school."

Soda of course being stubborn isn't satisfied, "You'll handle it? How? Getting another job? Working three Jobs! You can't, you'll get sick!"

I hear clanking of something, is Darry doing dishes? "I said I'd handle it. You have school, you don't have time for work."

"I get out of school at four and weekends, if I get part time I will have plenty of time."

"And homework? You won't have time when you get out."

"Not like I do it anyway!"

I hear the cabinet open and close almost like being slammed, "Sodapop I said no already! Now go get ready for bed. It's my job to take care and worry about these things as the guardian! "

I wince at Darry's tone, this is the first time I've heard him snap at Soda. Now I've gotten snapped at for one or two things, but not Soda. It can be mighty hard to be mad at him sometimes.

"What about Pony?" I pause, me? What about me? What did I do? "He needs both of us right now. I don't know what it is but with those nightmares he ain't right. He's starting to look sick, and I know you're just as worried as I am. He needs us and if you're always at work and never here then it's just me."

They don't say anything after that.

Two days later Soda says he applied at the DX. Where Steve works.

The next week is his first day.

They drop me off at home, he tells me he should be home at eight, Darry is working late, there is left overs in the fridge if I get hungry.

It's then I realize that I hadn't eaten anything after breakfast the day before.

Over a full 24 hours of fasting, impressive. Let's see how far this can go.

I dumped my bag by the table and walked into the kitchen, planning to do my homework as soon as I got some water to sooth the empty ache in my stomach. I opened the fridge to get a bottle of water, I put in earlier so it would be cool. Resting on the top shelf I saw a plate or leftover pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans.

My stomach growled.

Don't even think about it chub muffin.

I grabbed the water and slammed the fridge door. Walking back to the table so I could start my homework. School work had become my distraction. I did it when my stomach twisted and flipped because it wanted food. I did it as soon as I came home from track to find Darry hunched over this table stressed and worried about bills. I worked on it when Soda would watch the door with this worried stressed expression waiting for Darry to come home from work.

It was the way I would block out everything. For the hours I worked on school work it was just me and the problems I worked on. None of my own or anyone else. Also it did have a very positive effect. Before I had nice grades, A's and B's, which are good in greaser standards. Now I brought everything up to an A. Darry was really proud of what I had done. Soda teased me and said that with grades like that I could get into one of those fancy socsey colleges.

No college would want you, you would never be good enough. Especially with how weak you are.

Well at least Soda thought I was.

A half hour later I still had the dull ach of hunger nagging at the back of my mind, and in my stomach. At some point it got annoying it was rather distracting I kept having to re-read the questions. My eyes felt sluggish and googley. The throb in my head became steadily worse, I dropped my pencil. I needed a smoke.

Really its bad to smoke on an empty stomach but it also suppresses your appetite. I don't know what's worse the hunger cramps or being nauseous. I guess in this moment I can't stand the twist and turns of an empty stomach.

On the porch my hands shake as I light up. I haven't been smoking for long, a week or two as soon as I found out it suppresses appetite. I don't do it enough to be addicted but enough to feel the craving after a while.

I smoke one then a second. It does little to nothing to help. I want to scream and yank out my hair. I flick the bud of the third one away, and lean slightly agents the railing trying to ignore the buzzy light headedness I feel. I think about eating a very small amount just to ease the ach in my stomach. My body isn't use to this, the longest I've gone without eating was one day. It's been over a day less than 12 hours away for two days.

Yeah go ahead make an excuse to eat but when you run your fingers over those love handles tomorrow don't complain to me.

That thought alone makes me pause standing in front of the I really ok with this? It's really not that bad I mean it's only one bite. Just to get over the craving and settle my hunger. That's all nothing crazy.

After that first bite I realized I sounded like one of those lady that say they're going to have a small sliver of cake and end up eating a huge chunk.

After that first sliver it so good they need one more sliver.

After that first mouthful of pork chop goodness I needed one more bite.

It went from one, then two, three, four, finally the plate was cleared.

I barely remember it happening. I didn't mean too. I swear I didn't. It just tasted so good! And I was so hungry! After living of and eating mostly apples and crackers for almost over a month the change in flavors and taste got to me. I started and I just couldn't stop. I hadn't broke since that bag of chips Soda gave me a few days after the nightmares started.

I feel my stomach twist up and coil in a rush of guilt and anxiety. I ate. I ate a whole plate, with pork chops (yeah there was two and a half), a big slob of mash potatoes, and my mom's recipe for southern green beans, special added ingredient bacon. I stare at the plate in horror. No I was doing so well!

I took a step back from the counter, my hand ghosting over my stomach a felt a wave of disappointment came upon me over the fact that it felt stiff. It felt full. I took off running. I ran to the bathroom to the mirror.

To my reflection.

I stared at that hideous monster. It got worse! It was bigger. I was bigger. I wanted to scream and at the same time stay completely silent. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want this food in my body, but I didn't know how to get it out. My heart was beating fast, my head was spinning, and my breathing became slightly erratic.

No way.

No way was this going to give me a panic attack.

I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down. After a few moments I was feeling better the panic feeling was still there heavily but no so much the feeling of drowning. I leaned back agents the wall sliding down eyes still trained on the mirror.

Ana, I think desperately, help! I need you! What do I do! I don't want this.

Of course you don't. Why should I help you? Fat ass I told you not to do it and you did it anyway! After you said you would do whatever I told you

I'm sorry! I think, I didn't mean to!

Is that all you know? I didn't mean to? I've noticed I'm not the only one you say that to, who else..? Oh right Darry. What do you think he will feel when he comes home to find that you ate all of his food? Soda too! That was his dinner too. Gosh Ponyboy don't you ever think?

She makes me want to curl up and cry it's all so painfully real. I won't ever do it again! I promise! Please just help me.

…fine. The toilet. Puke.

My eyes widen, I'd heard about this in heath class. It's something girls do went they want to be skinny. It's one thing to skip a meal or two, but a completely different thing to force yourself to throw up. It bad and dangerous. I shake my head no she's not being serious.

You don't have to. You can keep it your body, get fat. See if I care, can't say I didn't try and help.

I swallow thickly, h-how?

Your fingers or a tooth brush. Warning though if you use the fingers it messes up your nails, but you're a guy so you probably don't care, just though I'd tell you.

I slowly scoot towards the toilet, my body is shaking and quivering. I'm so scared. I think I may be sick without even having to force a finger into my mouth. When I'm in front of the toilet the seat up and me on sitting on my knees, I feel my stomach twisting and flipping so much I question if I can really do this.

The longer you sit and ponder the more time your body has to turn the food into fat. Bet by the end of the night you have a solid 2 pounds added.

I let out a shaky breath and lean over the bowl. And… and… and…

I purge my sin.

At exactly 8:30 Soda comes home. He walks in while I'm at the table working on the rest of my homework. I don't say anything. I stare at my homework reading the questions and giving it some serious thought. I can think so much better now that I …

"Hey pony! Still working on my school work? Guess I should start on mine too huh?" he's got this sly grin on his face. The one that would normally have me reply with some witty come back.

I don't. I stay with my eyes trained on my homework. I feel numb.

"Hey, you ok kid?"

I nod quietly as my pencil traces out letters in the sentence. I'm fine, I tell myself. I lie to myself.

I imagine him shrugging and walking towards the kitchen. I grip my pencil tighter as I hear the fridge door open. There is some rummaging and Soda mumbling. Then he comes back to the table.

"Ponyboy what did you do with the leftovers."

I drop my pencil as my stomach coils up once more. "I ate them."

A confused look crosses his face "ok then what did you do with them?"

I blink hard I want to cry. I won't, I haven't cried over it all this time so I won't break now. Besides greasers don't cry. A part of me want to confess I can even imagine what I would say:

Soda I ate like a pig and scarfed the entire plate. I'm so sorry! If it makes you feel better I went to the bathroom shoved my finger down my throat and vomited it all up. So much I'm pretty sure I won't be able to talk tomorrow. Please help I'm so scared but I don't know of what! I threw it back up so I won't get fat but there's still this knee buckling fear inside me

"I ate the whole plate."

An unreadable expression crosses his face, as the front door slams. "Soda! Pony! Where are you -," Darry stops as he sees us. "Oh here you are."

All I do is nod.

Darry turns to Soda," did you heat up those leftovers? I'm starving."

The coil grows tighter, again I clench my fist, my nails digging into my palm. As Soda glances at me. I sigh might as well speak now. "I ate the whole plate."

Darry turns to me a slightly angered expression "you mean what me and Soda we're supposed to eat?"

I nod wordlessly.

Darry lets out a frustrated breath, "ya know we don't have the money for you to pig out and eat enough to feed all three of us Pone."

He's right.

I feel so bad, but I remember being so hungry! So hungry I was close to killing myself, just to make that awful dull ache go away. Anything to make it stop.

The coil is so tight I feel like I'm going to be sick again. A true test to see if I did a good job and got everything out of my body. A very sad part of me is so completely in love with said idea, I wonder very briefly if my brothers know what this sensation is.

Oh god I hope not.

"I -," is that all you know? "Yeah, I know."

Darry looks confused, and the fear I have grows worse. For whatever reason I feel like he knows. My palms get sweaty, I swallow deeply.

I'm scared.

I'm scared for anyone to think I have a problem.

I'm fine. I know what I'm doing, I have complete and total control over this. I'm not like those people who slowly slip and lose control.

I tell myself. I lie to myself.

Bleh that was so bad!

Oh my gosh this took forever! I promise to work at being more…updatey. But the reason this took so long is I got authors block so idears are very welcome