Chapter 5: Downhill Battle
*James' POV*
(The First Friday)
Well Thank God that it's over. I told them that I have only made myself throw up five times since Monday, the day we found out. It's true, but I have barely eaten- only when they're in the room, but sometimes I have to run to the toilet, the thought of it sitting in my stomach? It's worse than actually vomiting.
Eughh, I'm a horrible human being. According to the 'meeting' which took place in a pool cabana, we're all making progress. I don't think that I'm the only person hiding things. My stomachs rumbling- I love and hate that feeling. I love knowing that its empty and I'm closer to being skinny but I hate that it wants food- I give in too easily. I fancy a bowl of cereal right now, but I'm not going to have it. I'm in a battle with myself.
There is another problem with my growling stomach, the other's might hear and make me eat something. I just feel so fat, I love food but I'm fat. I have to stop completely. Not eating at all, that's my real goal. The guys think my goal is to reduce the amount of times I vomit, not to reduce food.
I'm not so stupid now, am I? I made a plan, I can hide stuff, and I can act. But people only want skinny actors. Fat people don't make it in Hollywood. Being skinny is my goal; people love you if you're skinny. No one likes fat James Diamond. I'm just a 'diamond in the rough' until I'm skinny. Well look at me, making jokes.
People say eating disorders are monsters that take you over. You get agitated easily, but it's the eating disorder talking. We don't mean to be mean but we can't have people knowing that all we've had to eat today is a slice of toast (no butter) and half a banana and even then I stuck my fingers to the back of my mouth and made myself vomit until it was just that horrible tasting bile. That's how I know there's nothing left in my stomach. That's how I know that meal times are over.
Food is all that I can think about. A huge big beef burger covered in ketchup, salad and a giant roll with a plate of fries smothered in mayonnaise, salt and vinegar. Then the biggest ice-cream sundae for dessert with so many different ice-creams and cream, and sauce and brownies. Warm chocolate brownies with chunks of white chocolate in the middle that melts in your mouth when you bit into it, oozing with chocolate flavour. Accompanied by chocolate milk, of course.
Now all I can think about is dinosaur chicken nuggets and alphabetti spaghetti. I should run, I'd lose more weight that way. I need to clear my mind and stop thinking about food. I'm falling downhill.