Hey guys! Guess who back! That's right me! Wow so close to 100 reviews! We haven't hit 10 chapters! I love it and I love you guys! Even those who don't leave a comment!

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Cirruz The Night Elf: I see that I have redeemed myself! And I'm so scared for when I get to the part when they all find out! I don't want to turn it into a fluffy mess but I don't want to underestimate it and make it seems like their blowing it off /.\ but I'm really glad you enjoyed it!

Unnaturalstories: I'm so glad you like it! And YOUR ICON IS A PENGUIN! I LOVE PENGUINS! WERE FRIENDS NOW!

I'd know for a while I could never get a girl.

I don't know what it was that made it official, but I knew girl went for boys who were athletic and fit. Boys like Darry, or handsome like Soda. Maybe funny, or a bad boy, someone mysterious.

The guys all fit this description perfectly. They all had a girl in their lives at least once. Or at least they have had enough to start an ongoing bull session. In our house almost every Sunday night there was some kind off bragging going on. I always thought it was because it was then end of the week everyone had to get out what they had done that weekend or week depending.

Most of the time I was quite silently adding my own two cents not ever daring to say it out loud for fear of the fact everyone in the gang was a lot bigger than me. I never had anything to say anyways I was never all that interested in a girl before. I had nothing to brag about for the fact the most things I'd done with a girl was ask for a pencil now and then. In my neighborhood that was really weak to take to a bull session.

So like every Sunday everyone was seated around our living room laughing and sharing stories right after dinner. I had made chicken, corn and macaroni I'd eaten a few spoons of macaroni since I hadn't eaten anything after lunch on Friday.

I wasn't paying attention as usual, last thing I remember was two-bit going on about some girl he met at Bucks'. So it was shock when I realized everyone was looking at me. I shrunk into the couch a bit not liking all the attention I was getting randomly.

"What?"

Soda grinned, "Any action in your life right now? How's Ana?"

I feel a chill when he brings up Ana, I thought for sure he would have forgotten. Obviously not because everyone looks curious at me. Two-bit has and eye brow raised "Ana huh? What's she like? Really brainy like you, or is she more tough?"

I resist the urge to snap and instead say, "I don't know I told you Soda, we only have math together and that's it."

They stare at me and I wait for someone to start something new and get the attention off of me. No such luck because Dally is smirking, "Ok if not Ana then who? Come on kid your 12 there's gotta be some kind of crush out there."

My hands ball up resting on my lap, "Nope."

Why bother, girls want someone who's thin and perfect. Not Fat and dumpy like you.

"Are you sure? I think you just being shy."

"No I'm positive."

God I need a smoke. I need one even though I'm not hungry. Cigarettes had become a wonderful way to relive stress. Besides they made me look tuff. I guess Dally had the same thought as I did because he stood up and walked outside Johnny trailing after him. Leaving me to follow like almost duckling.

When I got there Dally already had one in his mouth and Johnny was lighting up. I had left my pack inside and I didn't want to go back inside so I asked to borrow one. I got a cig and a lighter. I lit up and leaned agents the railing.

I felt my eyes droop as I felt a wave of exhaustion. I had stayed up all last night and didn't sleep well on Friday, I was beat. I took a deep puff and let the smoke flow out of my mouth in the summer breeze. My mother always lover summer breezes. It was her favorite part about summer, the only reason she put up with the heat.

I remember how her and my father use to come out on the porch and talk. Sometimes I would catch them dancing around hearing a song no one else could hear but them. I can almost picture it now my dad twirling my mom around. Hearing her bell like laugh, my mom sure was one doll. My father was no sell out either, they were perfect.

Why couldn't I have that?

I felt like everyone in my family is perfect. Darry is Smart and great at football. Soda is handsome and just so happy. He sees the good in everything. He's wild and reckless, he knows how to get drunk off living. Darry may be stern but when he's not stressed and over worked he's a great guy. He can keep his cool in every situation.

What about me? What can I really do? I can't do anything that stands out. I mean I'm pretty much worthless. I can't do anything right, and it drives me crazy. Anything I ever do in my eyes will always seem imperfect. I forget things, I space out, and I'm fat.

I stub my smoke and go inside, knowing that I'll never live up to my brothers. I go straight to my room, change and lay down.

It's barely ten but I don't energy to go on with the day or people anymore. I feel like this more often than ever before. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to lay here and not do anything all day. The only thing that gets me out of bed is the fact that I need to check my weight and go for a run.

It feels awful being like this, some mornings I wake and just know it's going to be a bad day no matter what I do. Then thinking this makes me feel worse. I feel like a brat because I'm 12, I have nothing to feel sad over. Not when Darry's over worked, Soda's 16 and has a job, Johnny's beat at home, Two-bit has a dead beat run off dad, Steve is always fighting with his, and Dally's in and out of jail.

It's not anyone's fault that I'm so chubby other than mine. I was the one that chose to over eat, so it's no one's other than mine. This is taking forever to come off though, I weigh 92 pounds, schools been out a month and I've lost ten pounds. In total 36 pounds in six months.

And you think that macaroni really helped?

I roll over to my side and drape and arm over my stomach. I pinch at my belly and pull on the skin, I feel sick and pull my knees up. I then do the one think I hate most.

I obsess.

Thoughts hit me like a tidal wave.

I think about 92 and imagine zero. I picture a world where everything is better. Darry doesn't work so much and is in collage, Soda goes to school and then goes out with her friends, Johnny has perfect model parents, Two-bits dad is home, Steve and his get along perfect, and Dal is a role model citizen.

And it all starts with zero.

I lay in my bed dreaming about zero until my door creaks open.

I go still, trying to play sleep.

"I know you're awake Ponyboy."

It's Soda and I sit and look at him he's dressed in his bed clothes looking ready to hit the hay. His hair is wet and lacking grease so he must have taken a shower. He's in a plain white tee shirt and boxers. For a moment I wonder if I did something to wake him up.

"No I just wanted to see you," he says like reading my mind walking to the bed. He gestures for me to scoot and I do. Then he lays next to me. I blink surprised we haven't done this since I was eight.

He chuckles, "I know it's been a while."

I nod wordlessly.

"Your birthday is coming up soon. You want anything special?"

I pause, having completely forgotten my birthday was so soon. I hadn't been focusing on it at all really. Is this why Soda wanted to talk? To ask about my birthday? It's weird, but then again it is Soda.

"I guess you have been thinking about other things to really focus on the date huh? Besides no one ever really pays attention in summer to the day. The only reason we know in school is because we write it on top of all our papers." Sodapop Curtis and his mind reading powers everyone.

I smile softly and nod my head, "You don't talk very much Pony."

I look at him confused and realize this whole time I haven't said anything. I've just been quite listening to Soda, making faces and nodding. "Sorry," I end up saying quietly.

Soda Shakes his head, "I'd be tired too if I hadn't slept for almost two days. I wouldn't want to talk either."

My eyes widen a little, "How did-"

"Don't talk okay Pone? Just listen to me real quick," he says throwing an arm over my torso. I shift uncomfortably not liking anyone touching my stomach or any part of me for that matter. I stay quite like Soda asked me however.

He sighs deeply and for a minuet I feel like this isn't really Soda. The wariness isn't him, it's not my happy go lucky and wild brother. Instead I feel like its Darry coming home tired and stressed from a day of work. I hate the thought that this summer Soda may experience similar feelings. It makes the gnawing knot of sadness grow. Because Soda isn't stressed and over worked and neither was Darry till mom and Dad died.

I once again think of zero. Then I wonder; what has happened to me for it be and obsession?

"I know you're not sleeping, even if you say you are. I see it in your eyes, you look like you could drop at any moment."

I stay quiet, it's not that bad I want to tell him. Staying awake burns more calories than being asleep. The more I burn the more I lose the faster our world will fix its self.

"I know you hate the nightmares, I do to trust me, but you have to try. You can't stay up for days like this. You're going to get sick."

Sick? I'm already sick. My head always hurts, my bones ache, and god I'm constantly just so hungry. I'm so hungry all the time I want to cry cause it hurts so much.

He tightens his arm on me, "you're losing weight."

I go still and for a moment I can't think of anything else of anything else then the fact Soda noticed. My head ache get worse and my heart thumps a bit faster.

"I noticed it when Mr. Hensley came by. You're getting thinner."

I get the same world crashing feeling the Mr. Hensley gave me. The feeling that I'm drowning and no one is around to save me.

"I don't know what it is. If your too tired, or you forget to eat. You can't do that Ponyboy, you're going to hurt yourself."

My palms are sweaty and I'm barley listening. All I can think is this might be it. Soda knows some things wrong, no nothing is wrong. I'm fine.

"You have to eat Pony."

Trust me Soda I want to eat. I want to eat so badly. It gnaws and chews at my stomach day after day and I hate it. But I can't eat I'll get fatter. Then our word will never be perfect.

"Just try ok?" Just try, every one is always telling me to "just try."

Can't you see? I am trying. I'm trying to be perfect and get better for you. For Darry and the boys. I'm trying to do what's right.

"Promise me kiddo?"

I can't promise you anything Soda because I don't know.

"You can talk now."

I take a deep breath. Wanting to tell him everything. I realize I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of this. Tired of always being hungry. Tired of always feeling so low.

I'm tired of being alone.

I can't form the words so instead what comes out is, "Ok I promise to try." I know that this is the one promise I will make to soda and not keep. Knowing the make my heart break.

I hate myself for not coming out and say it. I may never have a chance like this again. Against all greaser rules about not crying I want to break every single one. I want to curl up and sob for days.

I don't I keep on a brave face as soda smiles and reply's, "Thanks Kiddo. I'm going to stay here the night ok."

I nod and roll over jerkily forcing him to release his hold on my stomach. I pull my knees up a little.

I don't know if I can do this.

Ta-da! What do you think? Did I do well? Especially with Soda? Was it too Fluffy? Too under estimated? Also I would love some ideas for upcoming chapters.