Hey guys! I'm back, can I just say I love all of you! And your wonderful reviews and ideas. I want you to know I took each and every single on into consideration. So thank you so much! Also we hit 100 reviews! I love it!

jessiekoove: thanks! Glad you like it!

iwatchsunsets2: I just love you

Pop punk: I'm so glad you love it! And I like those ideas so I'll use them if I can.

Phoenixx Rising: yeah they're going to figure it out soon.

Xx-Beautiful-chaos-xX: hmm well I don't really know, I hadn't thought it out like that with Mrs. Mathews. Hah I'm glad you love the story so far.

Jayla728: good idea, I think I could work that out somehow, and don't worry fluff is sure to come in a bit.

PinkAmy: you have been a great help lately. Thank you so much! I'm so happy that you like this story so far!

: yeah he does, soon.

Guest: thank you!

Guest: Everyone loves fluff! Haha! C:

ectoBiologist EB: here's me continuing!

Tol: I like you idea a lot. I was actually thinking about ways to fit that in. so thank you do much!

puppylover27: glad you like it!

Basketball lover99: actually the rough draft I wrote for this, there was a part at the track where that did happen so, maybe I could work that in again.

Divergentlover56: thanks you so much for all you help!

The house was quite. Which is weird the house is never quite. Well it is during the week when I'm the only one there. But today its Sunday normally everyone is here making noise. Maybe it's still too early, I don't know what time it is I haven't opened my eyes yet. I might open them and see out my window and it will be dark, and my alarm clock will read that it's the early hours of the day.

I want to say I went to bed at a normal hour and slept all night but, that would be a lie. I'd be lying to myself and I already know lying to myself gets me nowhere so, I'll be honest. Last night I laid in bed next to soda, who now insist on sleeping right next to me to chase away nightmares, right next to me. I don't like Soda feeling that he has to sleep next to me every night. I feel awful, he shouldn't spend the night with me he should be in his own room, his own bed.

Besides don't I crush him?

I'd hate to sleep with me, if I was Soda I mean. It makes sleeping so much harder, what it I roll over and crush him? Then there's the nightmares, I can't control them so I hate to wake him up screaming as it is but now he's right next to me. Still it makes him think I'm sleeping every night even though I'm not, and Darry thinks my night mares are better than before. So if my brothers think I'm getting my rest and no nightmares and that puts that at ease why not?

Even if I have nights where I'm so tired and I can't stay awake even if I try. Like last night, I feel asleep at nine and woke up screaming at 11. Not only did I wake up Soda but Darry, Steve and Johnny. Both of them had a rough night with their parents. They needed their rest so who was I to take that away from them? Of course everyone came running to our room. I apologized over and over again. I didn't mean to, then Ana told me that of course I would say that I didn't seem to know anything else.

Everyone left after the coast was clear. Soda and I lay back down, soda throwing an arm over me telling me telling me to go to sleep, that tomorrow would be a really good day. After he fell asleep I shook his arm off, and laid awake till three. I don't know how long I've been sleeping it could be four right now, and all I got was four hours of sleep for the last two days.

I know today will be a bad day. I haven't even opened my eyes and I already feel awful. My head hurts and I feel weak and lethargic. I hate it. I hate waking up and already wanting the day to be over. I want to go back to when I got up every morning feeling up to the day and being able to face the day. When I didn't struggle to get out of bed.

The mood gets worse when I feel the bed sink and I know it's time to get up.

Suddenly there are fingers running along my sides and laughter above me. "Ponyboy! It's time to wake up for the day! You've slept long enough," Soda says. The tickling multiplies I feel more fingers. I know its Darry.

I feel the fingers drift to my stomach and I really to wake up. My eyes snap open and I start pushing them away. "Stop. Stop it!" They don't stop rather they continue and start laughing louder. Their fingers running all over me and I can't help but think their feeling my fat. It makes my head spin and I squirm.

"No way kid brother you've had this coming and you know it, "Darry teases looking at me with a grin.

My heart beat picks up, why does he find this fun? I hate this! Why are they doing this? I struggle more, "I'm not kidding! Stop!" They do, they're fingers freeze and they both pull away looking shocked. I push myself up panting a little.

Soda seemingly to forget the whole thing hugs me, "happy birthday kiddo." It makes me stop and think. No way. It isn't, is it? I start trying to recall the date I think about it, school just let out what was it a few weeks ago right? Then I realize no it didn't, thinking about it I realize it's already middle of summer. All the days of skipping meals, running track and steeping on the scale all mix and blend together.

"…Thanks Soda," I say.

Darry looks over me, "You didn't forget did you?"

I shrug, "I just wasn't paying attention to the date that's all."

He grins and rubs my head, "Happy birthday kid."

Soda is pulling me off the bed, "come on everyone is waiting for us. We got a special birthday breakfast." I got stiff and Soda stops, "Pony? What's wrong?"

I shake my head, "nothing, I'm just cold."

I grab my jacket off my desk slipping it on, I'm always cold lately. The guys have gotten used to it because no one says anything anymore. They don't comment how it's summer and I should be hot rather than cold. We enter the kitchen and everyone is seated around the table they look at me a chorus of happy birthdays are called out. I smile and thank them. In front of me a plate of pancakes bacon and eggs is placed.

The eggs and bacon form some kind of cheesy smiley face. The pancakes have a strawberry cut up on top and syrup dripping on top. I know Darry made them because everything is the right color. Although I spot a drop or two of blue on the eggs. I force a smile at them, "Thanks guys!"

They grin at me with and then everyone starts eating.

"So what do you want to do today Pone?" Johnny ask as I start cutting up everything. I've been through this enough to know how to get away with not eating but, making it seem like I did,

I shrug, "Nothing I guess." I don't want to do anything, I don't feel up to doing anything.

"What!"

"I mean I don't want to do anything in particular but if you planned something that's ok." I try not to be a bother so if something was already planned I'll put up with it.

"Why? We can do anything, if you want we can all go to the movies or even drive down to the pool," Soda says around a mouth full of eggs.

The thought of going to the pool gives me an icy feeling in the pit of my stomach. "We can but I don't think I'll get in, but you guys can."

"Then what's the point of going?"

"Well you-"

"Pony," Darry says, "it's your birthday pick something you're going to enjoy."

Going and running all day, checking my weight, not eating. Working on becoming perfect.

"I don't know. "

"Well there has to be something," Two-bit says. "You're turning 13! Finally a teenager!"

I shrug and try and think of what to do. I really don't want to go out but I feel like I have to choose something. "Let's stay home," I say before I can stop myself, "Later we can make dinner. Chicken? And have some chocolate cake?" I think that's the only way I can win. Even if I hate the idea of eating but I'll have to use my fall back.

I call it that because that's what it is. When not eating doesn't work, then eating but not keeping it in my body is the next best thing. I've gotten over the fear of it and now I more or less embrace it. It's a second nature now. I stop and think how sad it that? It's so sad that now when I eat instead of being like a normal person and accepting it; I need to throw it up.

What a happy birthday.

I try to ignore the fact this is my first birthday with out my mom and dad also, yeah today is going to be awesome.

Later when the guys are just sitting around in a game of poker, betting over smokes and candy. I feel it. The crushing sensation of sorrow, it comes out of nowhere too. One minuet I'm grinning at something stupid Two-bit said, then the next I feel like I'm isolated. Like somehow I've drifted off to planet and now I'm alone. I feel cold and with a sinking feeling.

I'm downing again.

It's this heavy feeling in my chest. I realize no one would be here if they didn't have too. The boys know my brothers so they know me. My bothers well they're stuck with me. I put down my cards, I need to get away from this at least go out for a smoke.

I stand out on the porch trying to calm my nerves, inside I hear the radio blasting an old song from the cords. It is the only thing I want to think about, the steady sound of the sax on the radio and the beat of the drums. I let myself get taken off to some place that only exist in a non-reality.

A place I'd rather be. A place when I don't have a food thing. When I eat and don't hate myself. A place where my thoughts don't revolve around weight and food. A place that doesn't need zero. I stub my smoke out angrily, why? Why did this happen?

When did things become this? Am I always going to be in a world where I can't even be happy on my damn birthday? Where I can't hang out with my brothers and their friends without feeling worthless. Can't I just have a life where everything is the way it's supposed to be.

Why are you crying now, this is your fault. No one told you to get fat did they? No one made you, so hush up! I'm sick of your complaining.

I bite my lip and think how Ana is right. I can feel it all building up and I don't know if I want to cry or scream. I slam my fist into the pillar, it hurts but I feel better. I turn away and go inside. Inside I go to my room and lay down. I don't care if they want me out there right now I can't deal with people.

I'm tired and I feel sick.

I close my eyes, I need to rest.

Eventually I wake up again and it's because Soda is shaking me. I open my eyes, "What?"

"Dinner is done."

I rub my eyes, "Yeah ok." I get up and follow Soda to the kitchen just like this morning. It's similar to this morning at the table except this time I eat. Except there's cake and instead of saying happy birthday they sing the song. I blow out the candles and make up some fake wish to tell the gang. Except I give a fake smile at the gifts I get because I know the money could go towards something much more important.

Except after I lie about taking a shower and spend 20 minutes hunched over the toilet, puking. I flush the toilet and rest my pounding head on the side.

I need help.

Fluuuuurrrrpppp! It's so cheesy, ugh whatever I give up!

Well I'm sorry if it's rushed cause I'm moving and trying to get one chapter up before. And I'm cutting my hair later today big weekend.

and schools out for summer~ (who knows that song?) so more updates! or fewer cause I'll get lazy who knows?

Anyway review my lovely's! suggestions are always welcome C: