Hello lovelies! I'm back! Still loving you and your beautiful reviewness.

Phoenixx Rising: Yeah I suppose it would.

PinkAmy: Thanks hun I pretty much had this chapter down cause I'd been planning for a while now but I will have you as my go to buddy next time I need help.

Pop punk: hah I'm glad you enjoy it.

Puppylover27: thanks boo! Glad you're excited.

Goldenthorns: haha yes! I was hoping someone would get it! Well here you go my update.

Unnaturalstories: I know it is getting really deep.

Jessieklove: I'm glad you like this past chapter.

Jayla728: hah I was just kidding around with that and, my intention was for this to be magical with lots of emotions~.

Divergentlover56:Don't worry he's not going to die… for now! Hah just kidding… or am I? o.O

Guest: Ok sounds good thanks for the idea!

Arlena. ferrell: because it's going to hit him the hardest! Maybe…

Asking for help is harder than knowing you need help.

I think for the most part it's finding the right time.

For example I can't do it when Darry just got home from a long day of work. Last thing he needs is his kid brother telling him that he's in some trouble and doesn't know what to do. Can't tell Soda after he just won a card game, how awful would it be to drag down his good mood.

Then there's the crushing worthlessness that comes with it all. The drowning.

Why is it so hard to just come out and say it? Because I know I don't really want it.

A small part of me says to keep trying and another part still doesn't want to get better. I know this is wrong and that it an awful way to live just I don't want to change. I've been like this for eight months, I'm so use to it already so the thought of change terrifies me.

Beside isn't this right?

I've been like this. I know deep down I should get help and I want to. My thigh gap isn't really that big when I close my feet so I'm not really that skinny, I haven't ran for a whole 24 hours strait, so it's not an obsession. I slept for two hours so it's not like I'm going days sleep deprived.

It's that part of me that says it's all in my head and I'm fine that keeps me from spilling everything.

So I go on every day, checking my weight obsessing over it. It's an addiction and, not eating is my drug. I slip farther and farther into this world knowing that I can't get out by myself because I know I'll never want to get out.

Greasers always pride themselves on the rule don't get caught. It's one of the major rules we have next to stand up for your own. So why do I find myself sitting here praying for someone to catch me. Why am I suddenly so desperate to break that rule? Crush it into millions of pieces. I know though when I break that rule I'll break a million others to follow, so why not start with the one that will benefit me.

Nightmares change over time, I guess you get use to one so much that it isn't as terrifying. It changes to the monster, me, chasing after myself then my brothers are there. Them and the gang, all of them talking and laughing having a grand old time. I reach out a hand and call for help. I try running to them and getting to safety but they just get farther and farther. Suddenly my body gives out from all the running. I fall to the floor and I look up to call for help but their gone. They left me all alone.

Then the monster is towering over me, "why would they help you? You're a screwed up, broken mess. A fat loser who wantshelp for something in his head."

It isn't what's said that has me wanting to bawl my heart out. No it's my response.

"I don't know."

Because I don't. I don't know who would want to help me when they are so much better off.

Then I wake up screaming. Soda has his hands on my shoulders and Darry's looming at the edge of the bed. Both looking at me with sorrow filled eyes. Before anything else I say I'm sorry. Then they say not to worry about it and then ask if I remember anything. I lie and say I don't.

It makes my heart clench because I always lie to them. I lie about sleeping saying I am when I'm not. I say I feel fine that everything is ok when it isn't even close. I lie about eating when it's been two days since I had a chocolate bar from the DX.

"I'm taking you to a doctor tomorrow."

I was so caught up in my thoughts I almost missed it. I look up at Darry, my eyes slightly wider than normal but, its dark so you really can't tell. We don't have money for a doctor! It fills me with dread to think about having to spend money on something we don't need, especially if it's for me.

"No Darry, "I say, "there's no need I'm fine it was just a bad dream I'll be ok." Despite my already too tired body I force a smile at him.

Something flickers in his eyes before he responds, "you are not fine! Look at you! You're barely getting any sleep and you look sick because of it. I've let this go on for far too long. You're going to the doctor and that's final."

We can't afford it so, for now, yes I am fine. I know better than to argue with Darry so I sag back agents the pillows. And Soda soon follows as Darry leaves. Throwing an arm over me and muttering something about me getting some more sleep then Soda drifts off.

I soon after shake off his arm and lay awake knowing I am not going back to bed tonight. I got, I glance at the clock, three hours I'll be ok.

Morning can't come soon enough. As soon as the clock turns to 7 I get out of bed and go down the hall to the bathroom and go about my daily routine. I weigh myself before anything else, taking note it is 86. I frown, it's been almost a month and I've only lost five pounds. My metabolism is getting use to this eating habit. Just means I have to work harder.

I get dressed after stopping standing in front of the mirror in my underwear. Twisting and Turing glaring at the areas that don't meet my standards. I suck in my stomach and see peaks of my ribs. For a moment I'm horrified but, Ana says that just mean I'm one step closer to perfection to fixing everything for my brothers. Eventually I won't have to suck in my gut. After that enters my mind I get dressed, brush my teeth then fix my hair.

I do what I do when I fix my hair, wet it a bit then throw in grease and comb it into place. Except when I pull my comb away from my head I find locks of my hair tangled between the teeth. I know I didn't brush too hard that I yanked it out because I didn't feel the harsh tug at my head. So that mean my hair is falling out.

I slam my comb on the counter and glair at the comb. Here I am 13 years old and losing my damn hair. Like some old man, I'm losing my hair. It's been said before but all greasers have is their reps and long greasy hair. Being the chubby Curtis I don't have that much of a rep compared to my brothers that means all I really have is my hair so, here I am losing mine.

I force myself to take a deep breath and let it out, it's going to be worth it. I know it will it has too. I'll be perfect one day then I can start eating and my hair will come back. It will be worth it one day soon. To I untangle my clumps wrap them in a napkin and hid them at the bottom of the waste basket.

I walk out and go to the kitchen. First one up makes breakfast, so I start to pull out eggs and toast and put the coffee pot on. I make enough for the Darry, Soda and the boys if any of them come, which is most likely cause they seem to like eating at our house. I pick a little bit while the eggs cook, throwing away beer bottles and wiping down counters.

My hand shakes a bit as I scrub some sticky Pepsi off the counter, which influences me to grab a glass of water and a slice of cut lemon that I had from earlier. I squeeze the lemon into the water and mix. I do this whenever I start to feel early signs off possibly fainting, it helps keep me going a little bit longer. Like an extra boost.

As I throw the lemon wedge in the trash; Darry walks in along with the front door opening and slamming. I nod when he says good morning and get him a plate. I pour some coffee and pass it to him when the boys all come in. like always there's commotion. Steve asking for Soda, Two-bit making some obnoxious comment, Dally threatening poor Two-bit's safety, And Johnny saying a quite hello good morning to Darry and I.

I busy myself making a plate for everyone when Steve and Soda coming back and add to the craziness by wrestling in the living room. I soon finish handing out plates and take a sip of my lemon water and go back to cleaning.

"Pony you're not going to eat," Johnny ask.

I turn over my shoulder where they're all seated looking at me. I smile weakly," yeah of course I'm just going to finish cleaning up this mess real quick."

That is seemingly enough to satisfy them because they go back to they're food and I take another drink. My stomach growls and I feel a tiny ach of hunger. I glance over at the guys and slam my fist into the lower part of my stomach. it stings and I probably gave myself a bruise but it makes me feel a bit better and It drives the hunger away for a bit. When the counters reach my standard of perfectly clean the boys finish and one by one bring their plates to the sink.

I quickly start to try and wash but Soda comes over with Darry, "Nu-huh you cook we do dishes," he said pushing me away.

"No I don't mind besides you have work."

"Yeah well Stevie and I aren't due at work for like an hour," Soda says.

"And you have that appointment I have to take you to. So go sit and eat breakfast."

I clamp my mouth shut having completely forgotten about both things. Before I could utter some type of response Two-bit comes up, "what appointment."

I'm thankful for the distraction I use it to slip out of the kitchen as Darry explains to the boys about the doctor. Go back to my room to get my shoes so we can leave. I sit on the bed and reach down to tie the laces when I sit up right my vision swims a bit and I grip the sheets in a tight fist as a slow steady throb starts.

Eventually it passes I stand up and walk back out where Darry looks at me, "There you are! Come on Ponyboy move it we're going to be late." By the time he finishes I'm already by the car waiting for Darry to unlock the door.

The car drives at regular pace not too fast and not too slow the steady rocking of the car is almost enough to put me to sleep. I can't sleep, not now when Darry is concerned with my sleeping already. Instead I pull out my pack of smokes pull out one and grab the lighter we have in the glove box I roll down the window as I light up and inhale.

Darry looks at me out of the corner of his eye, "You shouldn't be smoking before we go to the doctor. Wouldn't want to walk in smelling like smoke."

I pause mid inhale and glance at him I pull the smoke out of my mouth and release the smoke. "Right sorry." I look at the cigarette not knowing what to do with the other half of the smoke.

Darry rolls his eyes at it, "Might as well finish it."

I nod awkwardly and continue smoking. It isn't long before we get to a small building with a nearly vacant parking lot. I slowly slid out and started walking to the glass doors. I pull it open and leave it for Darry. I take a seat at in one of the chairs while Darry goes to the check in desk.

I look around knowing this isn't a normal doctor's office. Not one of those you come too for a checkup but more like a psychiatrist. It makes me wonder how long ago Darry made this appointment. Cause these places don't take walk in. Along with the fact these places are pretty pricey. I think to our first months after mom and dad passed, what if this makes up go back to being like that? What if this breaks us?

We'd be in debt and it would be all my fault.

The very idea makes me not feel too hot. A sick twist in my stomach and my palms are sweating.

Darry comes back to sit down, "you doing alright kid?"

I nod and think the very worse. This is a mental physician. They are experts in thinks like what I'm going through. What if just by one look at me he knows. Sure I'll get help but I don't think I'm ready for it. Sure I want it but what if it really is all in my head. I've always been told about my creative mind so, how do I know if this is just another creative thought all made up.

Really I'm fine. It's all in my head I'm fine.

"Ponyboy Curtis."

Darry stands up and I follow somewhat numbly. Why isn't the nurse phased by my name, I wonder dizzily. I feel that shaky feeling as we walk down the hall to an office. I take note that the walls are bare. Blank just like me when a tall man with a beard and glasses ask for my name.

Darry looks at me with this expression that I can never tell if he's mad or worried.

Of course he's mad you're over reacting about something in your head!

"P-Ponyboy."

The man smiles, "I'm Dr. Anzeqes nice to meet you." I smile and he holds out and return the greeting. "So Ponyboy what seems to be the reason you're here?"

I have this voice in the back of my mind so I can't eat oh and she gives me awful nightmares that have me waking up screaming. It worries my brother so he brought me here which is bad cause we're greasers and this is going to break the bank all because of me; I don't expect you to know you're a doctor so your basically a Richey McRick soc. Oh yeah then I always feel like I'm drowning. Like all the time.

"I have night makes that I can never remember."

He makes this hmm sounding noise in the back of his throatlooking me up and down. "How are you lately?"

"Fine," I lie. No I'm not lying it's all in my head.

"Enjoying summer?"

"Yeah."

"Kicking back with friends parting all night?"

I glance at Darry, "If they come over."

"What about eating?"

I feel a chill down my spine as he and Darry look at me. I swallow it's my chance. I can finally ask for help. Or say I have this weird made up idea where I can't eat and it's all in my head and wait for someone to tell me I'm crazy. I'm too fat to not be eating.

"Yeah, I eat like a horse. " Of course I fucking chicken out.

He nods, with a laugh, "You kids and your amazing metabolisms. I remember being able to eat like that."

Darry chuckles grinning at me.

"Well honestly all I can say is to make sure to mentally drain yourself before bed." I feel rocks in my stomach. No, I think, I lied I'm not eating. I can't eat and it's not in my head. "Go out and play with your friends and goof off playing football. Build a puzzle, read a book whatever make you exercise your mind."

Darry raises an eyebrow, "How will this help."

"Well since it seem to be a thing of an over active imagination then have him do activities that drain that energy. Exhausted brain means no dreaming, no dreaming no nightmares. There's not really a drug for nightmares, trust me if there was I'd give it to my kids."

Darry grins at the dry attempt of humor and stands, "Well thank you ."

He nods and shakes mine and Darry's hand. I feel like this was no help at all. There are still too many things wrong. So many I feel sick to my stomach.

This visit was to quick.

We load up in the car I waste no time to grab my pack and light up ignoring Darry's slight frown.

It's all too much, I think, way too much that still needs to be fixed

Whew! Longest chapter ever! Whoop! I kinda like it this chapter I got out how Pony feels about needing help, the denial and the fear! Yay broken!Pony CX

Oh yeah next chapter something is going down so I'll let you vote cause I can't decide who should it be Dally or Steve? Those are the only options!

Reviews and comments are true love!