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It's not so much the fact of eating that makes it so hard and unbearable, it's the what have I done that comes after that make it so bad. The thoughts that cycle in my head when I look down at the table and realize I cleaned my plate. The idea of having caved and lost control is what makes my head spin.
Ana's voice in the back of my head saying she knew I couldn't do it that I caved cause I'm weak. That I'll never be able to do anything because of this. That I'll let everyone down that I'll never reach zero cause I have no self-control.
The feeling of failure that settles in the pit of my stomach.
It's that feeling and the desperate need to get rid of that feeling is what drives me so far. It's that constant feeling that pushes farther. It makes me forget about wanting help just so I can get rid of that feeling. I'll start eating once I get rid of this feeling I tell myself over and over day after day. It should be gone soon then I'll eat.
It never goes away does it?
It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks building and building trying to claw its way out. Twisting and turning. Causing my stomach to grumble and whine cause it's ready for this to be over but I'm not. My shaky limbs and throbbing head are ready but I'm not.
Everything else is ready for this to go away so why doesn't it?
Why does it continue to grow and build rather than shrink and wither away? It's like a never ending nightmare. It never seems to have a new ending each day it's the same thing over and over each time with different but similar lines spoken by the same people.
How come you never use you head? You're obviously smart.
Golly kid you need to get your head out of the clouds.
Why is it so hard to try and have common sense every now and then?
Can't you just try?
Just try what? I sometimes feel like screaming it for the sake that everyone wants me to try but, I don't know what I'm trying for in the first place. It seems like everyone is asking me to try in something all at once. I can't take people always asking me to try in something when really I'm ready to completely give up.
Maybe that's why it's so hard. I can't tell anyone about this cause they already expect me to try.
Which brings me back to the feeling of failure. It's an endless loop. A broken record saying things over and over repeating the same song with the say tiring tune. I can't help but ask the question am I the record of the record player?
Am I in control or am I out of control pretending I'm not.
That thoughts is only adding to the weight in my stomach. It makes it so hard to operate with that in my stomach. It a sick feeling worse than the twisting of an empty stomach. The feeling of being full is worse than being empty.
It's the sick feeling that causes me to bend over a toilet gagging and reaching each time. Like a perfected magic trick it never fails. It happens every time I look down and realize I ate something I wasn't supposed to.
Like I said It's the what have I done feeling that makes eating so bad.
It's knowing that I can't go on like this or else I'm going to end up in a situation I can't get out of. It's knowing that I'm failing that causes me to shove fingers down my throat.
When I'm done I lean back gripping the seat. Panting and feeling exhausted and like I'm going to pass out. I flush and stand up walking to the scale checking the number it's down not a lot but it's down. I go stiff when I hear a noise. No one is here. Well no one should be here. Both my brothers are at work and the gang is who knows where.
I yank the door open and dart out. Looking around the house praying that I'm wrong and no one is here because I didn't even try to mask the sound of my puking. I normally don't if no one is here. I don't see anyone and I look in the drive way and there are no cars or signs of anyone leaving.
I'm being paranoid.
I let out a breath when I find the noise. It was Darry's coffee machine that wasn't turned off so the noise was the little reminder that the machine is still on. I flip the switch shutting it off. I curl my fist up on the desk that was a close one. I make a note to always make sure that the coffee is turned off the second Darry finishes using it.
I lean agents the counter trying to calm my racing heart. I shake my head and grab a dish rag and star cleaning the counters. I'd already cleaned them. Twice but now I'm doing it a third. I need a distraction. I always do after I use my back up plan.
If I start thinking about it will become the only thing on my mind and I won't accomplish anything else today. I wipe the counters and go start picking up the living room wiping dust off the T.V., scrub the floor boards with a mop and make sure all the furniture is strait and clean.
When I finish its two and I have nothing to do. I need another distraction and I have no other thing. In a desperate attempt to just not think about it. I grab my sneakers and scribble a note to Darry and it's off to the track.
The track is nearly empty because who would come here on a hot Thursday. Sure school is coming up in two weeks and it's about time for the high school track team to start warm up soon but I think they do it early in the morning or at night. Maybe when I get to high school I'll join track.
I spend a few hours running finding myself wishing I had come sooner. It sure is hot I think to myself when I finish my third mile. Of at least a bottle of water. I should have known better to bring one but I was in such a hurry to get out of there. To find a new distraction that I didn't stop to think about how hot it would be.
I don't ever think.
I stop in the middle of the track putting my hands on my knees and let out a bitter laugh. Of course not. I never do so why start now? Huh? I can't do anything right can I? So why start now by remembering to bring a water bottle? Maybe I'll die of heat exhaustion.
Wouldn't that be perfect? I died because I can never use my head. Darry always said it would be the way I got myself killed even before he took charge.
I don't know what time it is but it feels like it's been a few hours. I make my way to the track gates and try and rush home to make dinner on time.
Then something stops me.
Someone stops me.
"Kid."
I stop and look towards none other than Steve Randal.
He is Soda's best friend regardless of any past arguments I have to try and be nice. That and I've woken him up countless time due to nightmares, so I owe him. "Oh Steve, what are you doing here?" Maybe it's been longer then I thought and everyone is already home and, Darry didn't see my note and now he has everyone out looking for me. Everyone is worried and it's all my fault. "I left a note to Darry," I say quickly.
Steve nods and jams his fist in his pockets, "I know, I got out of work early and went to your house saw then I saw note and thought I might as well walk you home. Because you probably weren't thinking and didn't take a blade or a water bottle," I comes out harshly and I cringe because he right.
Why can't I ever think?
I take the water bottle he hold out and take a drink, "thanks."
Steve nods and we walk. It's quite between us for two reasons. One Steve and I aren't in anyway close, two I stop talking to the gang. I stopped talking when I realized I was fat. Then I stopped eating. I find it mighty funny when I stop one thing a thousand others stop too. Sleeping, talking, being happy, and the list goes on and on.
The silence it short lived as soon as we get to the corner of the track. Before we cross the street Steve knocks me upside the head. I wince because that defiantly doesn't help my head ach. Before I can ask what that was for, he talks first. "You stupid kid."
As we cross the street I look at him confused and in returns he gives me this really annoyed look. "Don't pretend you don't know."
For some reason I get this dreaded feeling. Like this wasn't about walking me home because I would be safe. Sense when does Steve do things for my safety? I look at him," I don't." who knows I could be wrong.
He narrows his eyes at me then looks around then leans in like he's trying to keep this as quite as possible. You can bet the fact that he's trying to keep this between us doesn't make me feel too hot. "Yeah so you don't know about purging earlier."
It shocks me to hear the word. It's a word I'd never used before. I know what it means and what it is but, I'd never actually thought of it as that. I'd always called it making things right, I guess Steve wouldn't know that. That too was odd I wouldn't expect Steve to know of such a word, or even know what it was.
Well, I think, you finally got caught. Someone knows now what are you going to do now?
"No, you got it wrong I was feeling sick." Lies lies lies.
"Bull don't even try. If you were sick you wouldn't have come to the track."
I stay quite because I don't know what else to say.
"What is it huh?"
I blink, "What?"
"Why? Is it your folks? You that beat up over them? Something happen in school? Someone say something mean? Darry? He yell too much?"
I shake my head because I can't say. I'm fat and not perfect. Maybe it's also everything piled up on everything else then it all mixes together into one big bowl of life and I have to eat it. I don't say this instead I try and change it over to how Steve knows any of this. Anything about this. He doesn't seem like the type to know about this type of thing.
He shakes his head, "Look I knew a girl back in middle school. It got real bad for her but, that's not what this is about. You better cut it out kid or I swear to god I'll make your life hell. It'll be so you can't go take a wizz with the door close you dig?"
The thought is both horrifying and relieving. This is it, I think, someone knows it's over.
"Did she die?" I don't respond to the threat.
"No." Damn I'd wish I did if I was her.
"Do you talk to her still?" I have no idea why I'm so curious about this girl.
"Not really."
I nod, "I don't know why." He answered all my questions so I should answer some of his.
He looks at me, "I'm guessing by the sound of it earlier this isn't your first time. How long?"
So long, I want to say, it's been so long I'm scared to be any other way. "Only a couple of weeks." Lies all of the time,can't I ever do anything besides lie?
He nods something tells me that this is a great load off his shoulders, "look I don't know what's going through your head but this had to stop. Stop before it's too late, it's only been a few weeks so you can still stop. Before it's too late."
No, I this hasn't been a few weeks it's been months. God can't you see that? I know you're not that smart but you're not an idiot. "Ok."
We stop at the street corner, "Ponyboy, listen I know life sucks. I won't sugar coat it your life is crap but if I ever catch you again I swear I'll rat you out to Darry and Soda in an instant Savvy?"
That's it! You're just telling me to stop? You're not going to make me? Not going to tell my brothers now and get it over with? Is this your way of telling me that you trust me enough to stop on my own? Oh Steve Randle maybe I was wrong you are an idiot.
I know I won't stop because Steve tell me too.
Still I still say," yeah I'll stop."
Once again it's the what have I done feeling that makes it so much worse.
So someone knows about it. I don't know do you think Steve came out ok? I wanted to show that Steve cares but he isn't going to turn to a big mushy mess yet. Did this chapter come out ok? Don't worry there's going to be a lot more happening in the next three chapters! Hang in there!
If you got confused Steve got off work then went to the Curtis' heard Pony left; then went back for a confrontation and found the note.
So I pretty much have up until his brothers find out down but if anyone has any ideas for when Pony's in recovery feel free to let me know! Cause I don't have that many!
Reviews are love!