Author's Note: Chapter 8 now revised... I actually had to do it twice because the site just logged me out, argh!
Fearing things is perhaps the most natural trait living creatures inherit. That is what makes us survive. When we see a bear, we run... or we draw a gun, depending on how you wish to canalize your terror. When we fear a person, we stay away from him or her, change the sidewalk, take a different bus. When we fear the future, we cave in, try to hide. When we fear the past, we try to forget. The problem with fear is that once it is directed at things about yourself, your very being... you can't do much about it. In fact, there is nothing you can do. You obviously can't run from yourself, unless you overcome the discrepancy of body and soul, or mind, or identity, whichever you may prefer. It remains the same. No matter how fast or how far you run, you won't escape yourself. And matters only seem to get worse when this fear is about weakness, when you fear growing weak. It is not about growing physically weak. Though possibly terrifying in the eyes of sickness or death, it is the ravages of time and if it isn't... you can still work out. But if it is a weakness of the mind, the disease reaches far deeper, cuts far more painfully and binds you so tightly to yourself that you almost suffocate. If you fear weakness, then it is not only a lack you fear, but also the slow erosion, this stealthy process of being less you and more something not your like. You are swallowed by yourself, greedily devoured. You look in the mirror and with every day passing, your suspicion grows that this is indeed no longer you who is staring at the reflection. And once you realize that the weakness has claimed you, no matter how hard you claw, no matter how loud you cry, whatever it is that you lost, it won't come back to you. So you have to pay close attention. You have to anticipate the erosion's every movement to perhaps douse the flame before it catches fire and burns you down. People who say that you can overcome your fears by matters of therapy, talking about it... smack them, because they are telling you lies. If you really want to overcome your weakness, save yourself, you have to shoot the bastard dead, behead him, poison him, punch, kick, bite, run a sword through his skull. Anything. Don't ever grow weak, if you can help it. Don't let the weakness have the better of you, or else you die from the inside, you decay - and that is something anyone should be deadly afraid of. That is worth terror.
After the events of Loki being put on the active team, she withdrew. Up until now, no mission was assigned to them, even if the young woman believes that Fury just doesn't want to give them a new mission to make his point clear that he doesn't like this new situation. Not that she actually cares, though.
Loki's inner fight is a far deeper-reaching one. She asked herself this question over and over, even at the risk of sounding like a scratchy gramophone, but what is becoming of her? Since when is she that weak, really? She is actually working for her former enemy, well, no, that wouldn't be the worst of all. She collaborated with enemies before, the hell, she worked with Laufey to kick his ass, so who are we kidding?
Is it being SHIELD's whore? Possibly. Definitely a part of it. Loki never liked to sell herself cheap, and that is just what she does. The fact that everyone congratulates her for finally being allowed to fight is only the totality to unite it all. Loki is crawling, creeping on the ground like a worm cut into two. And she used to stand tall, stand strong, above them all. She once was a God, for goodness sake. Yet, here she is... fighting for what? Getting killed? For people she doesn't want to care for? And that she starts to actually care for them only proves her point: she's losing her edge. A while back, Loki didn't care, didn't care for whom she hurt or how many, even that she did was not of her concern. And even if a part of her may have felt regret at this, the far greater part convinced her that even if the means were questionable, the goal was right: to be herself, and not to lose herself.
Then what is it? What is her poison, her kryptonite?
Thor? Well, honestly, he is the source. However, the true reason is a mixture of them both: to be the whore - and that not only in Thor's eyes, but also to an organization Thor is part of, above her, and thus... she is his whore, a slave, begging her master for attention. And even if she is having none of it, Loki catches herself seeking his reaction, glancing at him, seeking his brightly blue eyes, like one of those mindless maidens Thor always flirted with at the Aesir feasts and celebrations - the ones Loki hated with all her heart for their foolery.
But then realization dawns on the trickster that there is nothing that holds them together other than this, this concept, her new job, her new life. And then Loki just feels so utterly ashamed of herself for ever daring to waste a second of a thought on it, for she swore to hate this man till all worlds shall end, that she would just love to tear the whole world down. And still, still she didn't behead him, didn't scratch out his eyes, didn't design a scheme to not only humiliate him, but to cause him harm, pain, she didnt even fight him verbally much, so really, she lost something. She is losing everything. Whatever it is that she is becoming, Loki is, to say the least, terrified of what will stand at the end of this metamorphosis. But until she breaks out of that dark cocoon, she will knock and beat and claw against it. It may be a lost cause, but maybe she can prolong the moment of truth... because that is seemingly what her life is all about: prolonging.
In order to release some of the tension and terror bubbling deep in her stomach, she made her way to the gym, now that Loki is finally allowed to, as Stark remarked the other day. She takes her stance in the middle of the room.
"JARVIS? Please, start program L Alpha 56," Loki tells the computer system that replies, "Yes, Miss Loki."
The room darkens and projections of different enemies appear (something that Loki actually gives Stark credit for, since this is a very useful gym that makes at least an effort of, well, creating real fighting conditions). Moments later, Chitauri, Goblin-like creatures, Firin, and soldiers roam around, wielding their weapons, smirking viciously. Loki flashes her devilish smile in satisfaction before she produces two disks of light she uses as knives before rushing ahead, swiftly slaying all monsters and enemies ahead of her, madly turning, twisting, throwing magic at each and everyone of them. Yet, this time one can actually see that certain tinge of desperation in her features. She needs this, needs this badly. Needs to feel the rush of blood, the rush of anger. Destruction. As more and more projections approach her, she suddenly hugs herself, keeping her head low, before releasing a blinding green light that destroys all enemies. Now she stands in the center of the room, panting, and not nearly satisfied in her anger.
"JARVIS, now program L Delta 5, full intensity," Loki gasps, her chest heaving agianst the exhaustion.
"Of course," Jarvis approces. This time Jotuns appear. The Frost Giants looming there with vicious smiles and blood-red eyes. Loki runs ahead, but this time just kicks and punches them.
"Why are you taking on Jotuns?" a familiar voice rings behind her. Thor stands at the gateway, watching the scene. Loki makes no gesture to acknowledge him, keeps her back to him as she snarls, "Brother, it seems to surprise you that I do."
If only that man would just leave her alone. She doesn't want to see him, doesn't want to talk to him. Loki just wants to be left alone, be allowed to live this meaningless life she has left now. Be it that it's a meager excuse of a life, but it's still hers - and Thor threatens it, with his mere presence.
"It actually does," Thor grimaces.
"Because you think I regard them my kin. I see. No, I hate them as much as I hate any Aesir," Loki sneers. No, she hates them all. She hates, hates, hates!
"And taking on those projections helps?" Thor frowns.
"Why exactly are you here again? If it is just to question the nature of my hatred towards people of my kin... then I do not see the point... or is it about the weapons I designed?" Loki sighs.
"I just...," Thor bites his lower lip, but the words won't come out. Loki rolls her eyes, growing impatient, "Ugh... will you tell me now or are you too embarrassed?"
"I'm...," he bites his lower lip. The last thing she needed. Kicked puppies. Useless creatures, really.
"... I was surprised," Loki interrupts. If he won't start to talk, then so she will.
"By what?" Thor grimaces.
"That you actually spoke for me in front of Master Fury... or was it just the peer pressure you gave in to?" Loki exhales, though she tends to go with the latter option.
"No, I mean what I do. So I meant this also," Thor argues. "I think... this is a good idea. No matter who made it, it remains a good idea."
Loki maintains a calm voice as she speaks, "... then I thank you for that."
"... you're welcome," Thor grimaces. They are so hollow suddenly. Their words are. A while back, they could still share victory, share loss, pain, feelings, thoughts. But now? Now they already fail with the trivial things of life, with mere conversation. They became strangers to one another. And now they are bound by the rules of politeness. There is just empty space between them.
"... what else would you like to discuss, then? Or will you now lecture me once again that if I mess up, I will suffer your rage?" Loki huffs, to which Thor replies with a hint of sarcasm, "I think you know by now."
"Quite rightly so," Loki shakes her head. There is a longer pause until she dares to whisper, "How is Mother?"
"Now you ask?" Thor snorts. After all this time she asks? After all the pain and dread she caused this one person Loki claims to always care about? It makes Thor just so angry how the trickster treats even their Mother that way. The God of Mischief truly lives up to the name, causing nothing but mischief and dread - and doesn't even seem to care.
If she still had her edge, Loki would just kick him for that comment, but instead she uses her voice to articulate her anger, "You normally don't talk to me, or you yell at me. Excuse me for not asking when you wouldn't listen to me. You seem to listen now. So... how is Mother?"
"She is well," Thor sighs.
"Good," Loki hums softly. Frigga is the one person in Asgard she still bears somewhat affection. The Queen of Asgard was there for her in the darkest hours, at least the ones Loki let her know about. After all, the trickster didn't tell Frigga of all her pains and sorrows for good measure. It might be that she made her mother cry for many other things, but deep down Loki knows that she actually spared Frigga the greater pains - because Loki cares for her that deeply. To the God of Mischief, it's quite simple: if you love someone, really care for that person, you better keep away from him or her the greater pains. You give them some pain, to make sure they don't see the real dread pulling you down, but the great darkness is something you keep to yourself. And for Loki herself it seems especially true - if she really loves something, someone, she has to let go.
"She grieves the loss of her son." Thor snarls, purposely stressing the last word, which makes Loki smirk at him angrily, "I take it that they are not aware yet that I now am... this?"
Of course he had to bring this up, Loki thinks to herself. That dull oaf is just so predictable that it hurts.
"I didn't see the necessity to cause her further harm," Thor exhales. No, if Loki wants to cause their mother so much harm, then he will do anything to make sure that Frigga is not harmed any further if he can help it by any means.
"Right... just another load of shame. Now the Whore of Babylon of a son again...," Loki snorts.
"She misses her son," Thor tells her sadly. He can't remember how many hours Frigga spent crying and mourning Loki's loss - and Loki's scheme. Though it stays unspoken that Thor, too, missed his brother, but he knows, deep inside, that he already lost him, long time ago.
"Well, there is nothing much I can do about it. I am bound to this place, literally," Loki sighs, her chest heaving.
"Truly. But I hope you see that this is something you brought upon yourself," Thor shakes his head.
"Of course," Loki hisses with an air of sarcasm. That song is just so, so old.
"I mean that. You still give it a smile, though Mother is paining," Thor grits his teeth at the young woman. And that is what makes his chest clench in fury. Loki says she cares for Frigga, still, even at this moment, she dares to smirk at him so mischievously. Loki is simply incapable of sincerity, as it seems. A trickster after all.
"Thanks to me. I know all that," Loki huffs, waving her hands at him dismissively.
"And that is what I don't get. You care for Mother, still you...," Thor argues, but Loki interrupts with vehemence, "Still I smile? What else do I have left, Thor? I wept the loss in a long time, but then I figured that it won't bring me forward. So I started to act, which I do with this work here, apparently."
She hugs her arms against the cold spreading throughout her body, claiming her soul, swallowing her in one piece. She feels so weak, exposed, naked in the snow. Just when will this bastard of a man simply leave her be?!
"You could at least pay her some respect," Thor snarls, to which Loki replies angrily, "I pay her all the respect in the world. It is just that the dear Allfather decided that it would be best to banish me for what I have done."
"You think he did wrong at that?" Thor shakes his head. Loki should know that this was the punishment he deserved. It could have been worse, but still, Odin showed mercy.
"I think it doesn't matter what I think," Loki hisses. No, she knows. She knows that her opinion doesn't matter. Because she doesn't matter.
"Now you try to gain pity again?" Thor huffs.
"I never asked for it. It is just that you assume such. If this causes pity in you, then this is hardly my fault," Loki sneers. There is a longer pause once again before Loki hums almost in a sing-song, "Does the Allfather make you report to him about me, I was wondering? Or doesn't he care at all?"
"He wishes to be informed about your actions," Thor confirms.
"I see. Sometimes I forget that you are my prison guard," Loki snarls. And isn't that epic irony? They are bound by the same prison, just that they are standing on opposing sides of the bars.
"You brought that upon yourself," Thor insists.
"Just as did you," Loki narrows her eyes at him.
"What now?" Thor blinks at her.
"You still don't see it, do you? Even after all this time... and people tell me that I don't know what is right and what is wrong," Loki huffs. That man will never change, not by an inch. Thor just always thinks he is right. Holier-than-thou dull oaf!
"I was not the one who tried to take over Asgard, and then over Midgard," Thor retorts.
"Truly. That was me. But it was you who broke loose a war with the Jotun," Loki argues.
"Upon your ruse," Thor insists, but that only gets her anger flaring again, "Yes, a ruse. And still, this ruse pushed you over the edge so far that you declared war to an entire race, against what the Allfather had told you, against what anyone in Asgard knew was the right thing to do! The Warrior Three, Lady Sif, and I, we all told you that this would mean to defy the Allfather and that it is a reckless thing. No, more than that, actually, suicide for the Aesir race! And still, you wanted to go ahead and slay the Jotuns for trying to steal the Tesseract, unsuccessfully."
"You taunted me to go," Thor retorts.
"Thor, by Odin's beard, even if I had not said a word, you would have gone," Loki huffs.
"Again, it was you who started this," Thor argues vehemently.
"And you would have gone if they had genuinely found a way, too. That I let them in, well, that was their luck, but believe me when I say... they have their ways, and they had them ever before I dealt around with them," Loki sneers. She spent some time studying her own race - and by now Loki knows that they really have to be her real kin, after all, she had to get the mischief from somewhere. They are sneaky creatures who learned to wait, are so frugal that they can endure eons of ice and snow to seek the right opportunity to rise again. Truly, the cold blood runs through her veins.
"Ever so. What does that change now?" Thor shakes his head, to which Loki spats, "Everything, obviously. You went to Jotunheimr, with the Warrior Three, Lady Sif, and, by the time, the other crown prince. You risked the best warriors and heirs to the throne for a simple act of revenge."
"And you tried to seize the throne, tricked us, almost killed the Allfather, brought about the destruction of the Bifröst, and then came back to go havoc to Midgard by allying with the Chitauri," Thor retorts.
"You would have slain the entire Jotun race if the Allfather had not intervened," Loki huffs.
"So?" Thor blinks at her, to which she replies with a dread-filled voice, "What did he say about it to Laufey? The actions of a boy – and that is what he took it for. Something simple, something easily forgivable. You took so many lives with us that day, Thor. We have destroyed so much more in Jotunheimr than I ever did in my fit of rage here on Earth."
"Father banished me to Earth also," Thor argues, but Loki retorts crossly, "For how long, you tell me? A few days, Thor. Days. And he always had the intention to bring you back. Even though you risked entire Asgard with your actions, even if that meant breaking a war loose the Allfather had won only at high costs. Oh, and I know, for I was there, that in the bottom of his heart, he just wanted you to learn your lesson, learn humbleness, modesty. And once you did, he wanted to bring you back. That I intervened was of course... an unlucky coincidence, so to speak. But in truth, the banishment was only to make you learn a lesson, no more, no less."
"So what?" Thor grimaces, which only upsets Loki further to the point that she curses, "How long am I here, Thor? Months already. Almost a year now! And not once did he visit, not once has he given me a chance to redeem myself. He just threw me into prison before eventually sending me into banishment, because he couldn't bear me anymore. And that for actions that cost no one's life. So really, is it so far worse what I did? All the lives you took against the ones I didn't take? I can do whatever I want, the Allfather will never lift my banishment. That is the difference."
"Loki...," Thor sighs, but Loki is having none of it, "Even the Avengers trust me now. They accept that I redeem myself, but to the Allfather none of this seems to matter. And neither does it to you."
"You tried to take over Asgard," Thor argues. Loki tried to take over their home.
"At what price? No one died. My plan never involved that either," Loki retorts.
"Don't twist the truth," Thor hisses. Loki blinks at him. He can't be serious, can he?
"Twist it?! Twist it!" she cries out, her voice an octave higher. "The only ones twisting it are you people! Why is it an act of a boy when you do it – and felony when I do it!? That is the striking difference, Thor! That is the most basic difference in it all! That it was me who did this! If it had been you, you would be back in Asgard now! They would welcome you back with open arms, a feast! But for as long as it's me, it remains a capital crime that justifies eternal punishment!"
"That is not true," Thor shakes his head.
"It is true. It is!" Loki curses, her chest heaving. That he won't see it, even after all this time!
"Father loves you," Thor says. And Loki fears for a moment that she might faint. How dare he say that?! How can Thor actually think that - after all Odin's done to her?
"He loved me, perhaps, but now no longer!" Loki hisses her voice full of anguish and pain. No, truly, Odin is no longer the man who held Loki's tiny hand as a child as they walked through the gardens, who played with him, read stories to him, gave him books, took him on his lap and told him in a hushed little voice that this might be his kingdom one day. No, when Loki thinks of the Allfather today, she just sees an old man who took her children from her, left her in blood and tears, someone who punished her for being of different blood, drawing the line of heritage, a man who banished her, doomed her, someone who stood before the trickster and muttered that this was his destiny after all.
"And why do you think that is?!" Thor huffs, not even remotely understanding Loki's pain, the dull oaf!
"Because I am not his son! I'm not even his child! I never was and won't ever be! He hates me! And I hate him!" Loki growls, her voice shaking with dread and sadness.
"He does not...," Thor means to say, but Loki interrupts, riled, "Oh yes he does! He hates me! You hate me! All people of Asgard, deep down, hate me! The only one bearing me somewhat affection is Mother! Everyone else hates me – and believe me: I hate them just as much. I hate so much, Thor. You can't even imagine. I hate Asgard to its very core, just as I hate Jotunheimr to its core... just as Earth for being my last sanctuary! I hate all this!"
"Then why do you fight for it?" Thor asks.
"You wouldn't understand anyways," Loki snarls dismissively, but that gets Thor's anger flaring also, "Try me for once!"
Really, he hates it that Loki, ever since, won't take him seriously. Because, to Thor, that's what Loki's lies are all about. The trickster thinks Thor wouldn't understand anyways, or couldn't deal with the truth. If only Loki finally understood that Thor can and wants to - then she could finally stop lying to him.
"So that you can stand there in shine and glory to tell me that I am wrong?!" she snarls resentfully. "No, I won't. I am humiliated enough, Thor. I was stripped of my powers, I was stripped of myself and now I am no more than a shadow. I am a shadow of myself – and the only reason why I hold on to this shadow... I do not even know! I just do! Perhaps it's madness! Perhaps it's desperation! But something keeps me fighting for my last sanctuary, as much as I hate it! Maybe it is just that – I can only feel hate, so hate is the only thing I can hold on to. What do I have more than my hatred, huh?! I can only live for just that, hate!"
"And perhaps that is why Father won't lift your banishment – because you still hold on to the hatred!" Thor argues indignantly.
"What else do I have left?" Loki cries out.
"If you do not know, then...," Thor shakes his head, but Loki is having none of it, "Oh, save your breath, Thor. I am just a woman of hate now. I have nothing else. And I once did."
"Right, and then you gave it up," Thor retorts.
"You still don't see it... you won't ever," she shakes her head, a part of her still not believing it. Can someone be that blind, really?
How can someone have such bright eyes, so open for the world beyond, and still not see a single thing when it is right in front of him?
She means to walk past him, but as she comes abreast with Thor, he says, "You brought that upon yourself."
"Go to Hel, Brother!" Loki snarls, gritting her teeth at him. She means to walk on, but he stops her, again.
"Loki, now wait!" Thor says now almost soothingly. And that's it. Loki can take many things. Accusations, comments, criticism, but not this tone. Not this mocking affection for a brother she knows she is no longer to him, if she ever was. How dare he use that tone on her?!
Loki whips her head around and stops, though she won't look at him. Her raven curls falling over her eyes as she curses with venom in her voice, "No, I have waited long enough – I waited all this time. All these months I waited for you to say something, but you said nothing at all. Ignored me. Left me behind. Brother, whatever happens to me – it does not matter to you, so stop acting like it."
"I am here to watch out for you," Thor insists, to which she lets out a hollow laughter, "You are here to watch me. There is a difference in that. You report to the Allfather to make sure that I don't go havoc again. It is not because of care for me. It is just because you all still fear my rage to come upon you."
"That is not true!" Thor argues vehemently.
"Try to make yourself believe that, Thor," Loki hisses. "You could ask the Allfather, I think he wouldn't even deny it. You are my prison guard, no more... no less..."
"You make yourself believe that!" Thor spats. Loki suddenly turns. Much to Thor's surprise, tears are in her eyes, a rare sight. She blinks at him, her voice quivering so badly that it hurts her throat, "Do I? Do I really?! I am at my rock-bottom ever since on Earth. I crawl back to the people who wanted me dead, Thor! Dead! Don't you see that I literally sold myself to them, like a damn whore?!"
He glances at her with huge eyes, for the first time seemingly taking on this perspective. Thor never gave it much of a thought, but it's true. It must have been an unmeasurable load on Loki to go back to those people who wanted her dead once and demand shelter, by setting up a contract that almost nullified all her personal rights. In a sick sense... she really was prostituting herself in the beginning of this cooperation. The matters are changed now, because she is accepted within the group and has freedoms, but the step to go there... it must have been torture for Loki to really prostitute herself like that, Thor has to admit.
Loki glances back at him, and she can tell what is going through his head - realization, a very rare instant when it comes to Thor. The thing about the God of Thunder is that, seemingly, he can only realize things once it's too late already. He sees a ruse only once Laufey is already declaring war. Only sees Loki's scheme once his friends tell him. Apologizes to Loki only once he is a pathetic human. Only sees that Loki means it when he rammed the dagger into his side. Or when he let himself fall into the abyss. And now again, it just comes all too late. That he sees what he let happen to her, being a whore to everyone... it's just too late.
"So here I am, at my worst, and still... you all just come to kick me down again and again – rather than picking me up, offering me a hand. And normally this wouldn't bother me. By the Gods, I wouldn't give a damn!" she grits her white teeth, throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation.
"I would send you to Hel and would move on! But I can't! I just can't move on!" Loki cries out, desperation welling up inside of her.
"Why?" Thor asks.
"Because you are here!" Loki growls in absolute dread. She rips at her hair desperately, teeth bared, looking more like a caged animal than a woman.
"You are here!" she breathes, her body shaking so badly that her voice vibrates with it. "You are the painful reminder to me that truly no one cares about me anymore! That even those who..."
Her voice dies from the tears building up inside her throat. Thor gapes, he never saw Loki that desperate, never so desperate, hurt. Normally Loki's voice never fails him... or her. That it does now just shows how much she means it. She is in pain. She is suffering. And all just seems to well up.
She clasps her chest, trying to regain her breath. Thor means to step towards her, almost pathetically trying to offer her comfort in such a situation, but she holds up her hand to keep him away, "That those who once cared for me, loved me... and whom I cared for and loved... turned their backs on me, do no longer care for whether I'm dead or alive, whether I crawl on a rim, dangling by my fingertips, drawing blood, short before falling into oblivion, or already fell!"
"Loki, that is...," Thor stammers helplessly, but Loki interrupts, gritting her teeth at him, "I am no social person, I never was, and that is what protected me from this here most of the time. And by the Gods, I wish it had me protected from caring and loving you and your family! I curse the day I let you close, for that is the day I doomed myself!"
Thor just glances at her, numbly.
"... but now, here we are and... The few people I cared for turned their backs on me – and you have the effrontery to tell me that the same people still bear me affection, and that an honest plea of apology would redeem me!?" she cries out. "How dare you?! How dare you say that after all that's happened?! Yes, I did bring that upon myself – and yes, I do deserve punishment for my actions! Even I see that! But does that justify this?!"
She clasps her chest again, the pain visible in her features, as though every breath was a seething fire. Thor intends to say something, but the closes his mouth again, bowing his head. He confines himself to silence.
Just what Loki thought. The game is still the same, and so is the loss.
"Just what I thought. Even now you are too much of a coward to admit it," she hisses in a low voice. Loki stands there for agonizing seconds in which Thor is too afraid to face her.
"For the both of us: Just stay away from me. Don't talk to me," Loki says icily.
"But...," Thor means to argue, but Loki interrupts him harshly, "No, stop it! Isn't it enough humiliation that you bring me to cry?! I think it is! I know it is! I hate you, Thor Odinson, I hate you and what you stand for! I hate every fiber of your being! And I hate myself for ever having cared for you the way I did! For having l... loved you. You are no longer my brother! And I think at some point you never were!"
With that she goes outside, leaving a petrified Thor to his own thoughts.
Two losers.