Author's Note: Thanks for reading my story, please review (if you feel like it). As a newbie to the game, I'm still TOTALLY excited about everything, pretty much, so... yay, next chapter! Hope you'll enjoy ;)
Reviews are always welcome and very much appreciated^^
Chapter 10 revised now!
Everyone seems to have a natural sense for boundaries. Boundaries are a fine, neat tool. They come in helpful to organize one's life, the world, or at least one's picture of it. You draw a line. And then another. It's as easy as making one step. You draw a line and that line then becomes a border. Suddenly, the plane, the state, the object is divided into two. And if you draw another that runs across the first, there you have four spaces, and even more boundaries. That is the simplest side to the world of boundaries, the world we call our own. We put up fences, build walls, houses, we install white-picked fences and rose gardens to mark our property, and in that regard we are not far different from a dog setting his territory with lifting his leg at some tree. We draw those lines because... well... why exactly? To protect our property, set our property, claim a stake. It sounds good, but couldn't be further from the truth. We put up fences to keep others out, because we are just too damn afraid of allowing people close, really close. Boundaries are insofar a neat tool as they give us not only the means to shut ourselves out from the rest of the world, but also to have a rationally sounding explanation for why we do it, so that we are not confronted with the truth that we are just too afraid of the world itself. Well, and even if one dares to step atop of one's own personal boundaries... it's still a hard decision to actually make the leap, because most of us are likely to forget that our boundaries do not just come with a line drawn, but include a castle ditch leading right into the abyss.
Bruce is on his way to the roof of the building. He likes to go there when he can't find a solution to his problems. He can think clearer with no walls surrounding him. The doctor figures that the Hulk is actually the one pushing for it. After all, that guy doesn't like being put into tiny cubicles, but even if that is his green anger monster calling, it's a good call, because Bruce likes it, too. He walks through the gate, but is surprised to see Loki standing on the edge of the roof, her body dangerously leaning over the rim. He quickly makes his way up to her, but keeps a safe distance.
"Hey, Loki... I didn't expect you here," he says, trying to keep his voice as calm and casual as possible. He is afraid that any rash movement or loud tone might make her jump. Loki looks at him once, flashing a fake smile, before her emeralds trail off to the ground below once again.
"... I didn't expect you either," Loki hums in a sing-song, her voice no more than a whisper.
"I actually come here... to think, you know?" Bruce says, carefully selecting his words.
"Yeah... all seems clearer once you visualize the world beneath you as tiny as it is...," Loki hums, looking down again, attracted to the edge like a moth to the light.
"Yeah, then all trouble seems so far away all of a sudden," Bruce agrees nervously. Loki leans even more over the edge. Darn, if there is a workshop of how to deal with suicidal Asgardians... Bruce is hereby enrolling for it, right now.
"Uhm, hey, how about we talk about those construction plans you gave Tony and me? We would love to...," Bruce hastily goes on, but Loki interrupts him, "I fear I will not be good company now. I am not in the best of dispositions."
"Hey, everyone has a bad day once in a while," Bruce assures her.
"I fear I might have a bad lifetime in a while now," Loki huffs.
"Why?" Bruce stammers.
"Oh, not because of you if that is what you fear... it has actually... nothing to do with you or the Avengers," she whispers.
"SHIELD?" Bruce goes on.
"Possible...," Loki shrugs. She cranes her neck further, as though that would grant her much of a better view. Bruce has to try very hard not to just leap forward to get to her, because he knows this will possibly make her fall down for real. And even if he is sure that the Hulk would actually take over... if the transformation takes just a bit too long or she uses her magic to keep him from it... Loki might still carry out her goal. And that can't be happening!
"Then... Thor?" Bruce grimaces. Loki says nothing, just glances ahead.
That is when the gate opens and Natasha steps outside. She means to say something to the doctor, but Bruce makes a quick move of the hand for her to stay there. She gets the hint and keeps her stance, realizing how dangerously close Loki is standing to the edge. Well... shit?
"Did you two argue?" Bruce questions her, hoping that keeping up conversation actually helps.
"The more productive question would be when we don't," Loki snorts.
"I suppose you don't want to talk about that?" Bruce makes a face.
"Then you suppose right," Loki hums. She leans, if even possible, more over the edge.
"Hey, uhm, how about you come down from the edge a bit? It's making me dizzy watching you there," Bruce tries to bargain, but Loki replies simply, "You may also leave if I'm causing you discomfort, Doctor Banner."
"No, no, I'm just afraid you might trip," Bruce holds up his hands nervously.
"Doctor, I think it is quite clear that I stand here for a purpose," Loki scolds him before her eyes drift off again. "Though I don't know if I will yet..."
She starts to walk along the edge, almost dancing. Bruce really has to fight any urge to not just grab her and yank her off that damn edge.
"Please, at least no dancing around," he covers his eyes for a second. Loki stops dead in her tracks, leaning over the edge again, like a kid does when it catches something of its interest.
"Why are you thinking about this?" Bruce asks her.
"Because I am this," Loki says, pointing at her tear-stricken face.
"Well, you are upset. Why?" Bruce questions in a soft voice.
"It's not about why I am upset. It's about what that makes me. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic," Loki grits her teeth.
"Everyone feels down once in a while, really. That's normal," Bruce assures her.
"No... this here... the reason for me being upset... it made me realize just what I have become," Loki shakes her head.
"And what is that?" Bruce asks her.
"Pathetic. So pathetic that I cry over an argument and that I stand here now on the edge to take my life because I can't take any more. I am a shadow of my former self," she cries out, cries it to the abyss below.
Isn't that all too familiar?
"Well, frankly, I like the new you quite a lot," Bruce tells her.
"That is not what I am talking about. I used to be a God, Doctor Banner. I used to have power, respect. When I entered a room... everyone looked up to me, everyone bowed their heads, if only just slightly. People knew my name and they feared its tone. I was the boot, rather than the ant. I was someone who mattered," Loki grits her teeth.
But that's all over now. It was over the latest when entire Asgard watched as Odin decided on Loki's banishment, and all just laughed at the trickster that he finally got what he deserved, snickered as he was led away in cuffs, in shame. That Loki walked on with a smile was just so that the trickster didn't go down in tears - because the God of Mischief knew that this was the end, that it was over the moment Odin passed his judgement.
"You are still powerful, and we all respect you – and now not because we fear you, but because we appreciate you. Isn't that worth more?" Bruce argues.
"Back then this was what lent me strength. I always was a social outcast, because I am different in more than one way, obviously. But at least I had my strength and my power... but here I am and... I am that little pathetic thing, the ant of an ant," Loki shakes her head.
She is one of those specters of color below her. She is that tiny. She grew to be one, she shrunk to be one. Why doesn't she just go to where she belongs, to that tiny universe below?
"Perhaps you just need more time to accustom to that," Bruce makes a face.
"I have no longer a reason to live, you see?" Loki argues.
"Why?" Bruce asks her, taken back by her admission.
"I lost it," she shrugs simply. "Before... it was for myself. I lived for myself. And that myself sought my family's approval. Foolishly. I lived for them... but here I am, far away from all this... and my former father banished me in hatred, my mother is out of reach... and my brother hates me with all his heart. I lost it all."
"Thor doesn't...," Bruce means to argue, but Loki interrupts him, "Doctor Banner, I politely ask you not to touch that topic. That is a battle you will lose."
"Okay, okay. Sorry," Bruce holds up his hands in surrender. "Either way... But even if you... lost your family... you still have yourself."
Yet, Loki shakes her head vehemently, "I don't. I am no more than a shadow. What am I? I... I once stood strong. I would have died before selling my dignity. And here I am and purposely got me into a prison and am obediently at the service of people. I serve what I meant to destroy not long ago. Whatever I once believed in, whatever I once had faith in... I have it no longer. So... I have nothing to hold on to. Even craving my family's affection once again won't work. It will never. So... I have nothing worth fighting for anymore."
"What about your work here?" Bruce asks, clutching at any straw he can find.
"Even if I enjoy it and even if I think of you all very highly... this does not define me. This is nothing that would make me hold on to life... and the more I think about it... if that is all I have left in life... then...," she leans even more over the edge, so Bruce quickly jumps in, "Wh, what about us?"
Okay, definitely the last straw here.
"You?" Loki frowns.
"I know that we don't know each other that long, but... perhaps you see that what we do, as the Avengers, is greater than ourselves. We protect more people than ourselves. And especially with your knowledge we get the chance to do so much more... maybe... maybe that's enough, for now? Until you... I don't know, find another reason?" Bruce offers.
"You are tempting me, Doctor Banner," Loki hums.
"Good," the doctor flashes a brief, uncertain smirk. He has to tempt her, as it seems.
"Not really," Loki sighs. "I shouldn't waver. Isn't that just showing how truly pathetic this is? How pathetic I am? I even waver in this resolution."
And Loki didn't the last time she fell into an abyss. She truly grew weak.
"Because you know that there is still something worth holding on to, even if you don't know what... there is. You just have to give it a bit more time to figure it out," Bruce tells her.
"All too tempting, all too sweet in my ears," Loki says in a sing-song once again.
"Loki, please. Don't do this. Okay? Not out of the moment. Look. I have been where you are. I have been just in that spot. I tried to kill myself also. I had a gun in my mouth and wanted to shoot my brains out. But the Hulk didn't let me. And I didn't try since," Bruce tells her. Loki tilts her head at him curiously, "Do you regret it?"
"That I didn't follow through with it?" Bruce asks. Loki nods, so Bruce goes on to explain, "There are days when I do... but most days I am actually glad that the Hulk kept me from it."
"Hm... it still seems so tempting, this silence," she grimaces. Yes, this all-engulfing, all-consuming silence is about the best offer she received in ages. At some point Loki just wants to go back to that moment she let herself fall into the abyss after she forced the breakdown of the Bifröst. From the moment on she let go and until she woke up with the Chitauri. In between... this silence was just so beautiful, so absolute, wonderful, it was pure bliss, a brief taste of heaven on her tongue that then turned bitter again, but doesn't that make the taste before ever so sweet?
"Loki, please. You are a friend of mine. I don't want to lose you," Bruce tells her in all honesty.
"That is kind of you to say," Loki sighs.
"I mean it, though," Bruce insists.
"I believe you that," Loki assures him.
"Look, I see that you try to redeem yourself and make up for your past actions – and you are doing one hell of a job at it. But don't give that up just because you feel down now. Please, don't throw all the efforts you've made up until now away for... for this." Bruce argues vehemently. He won't give up, that much is for sure.
"You always end your life for this. That is what it always comes down to, Doctor. Whether you have a gun in your mouth or seek to jump off a building... the goal remains the same," Loki argues.
"You say you have nothing, well, then don't end your life for nothing," Bruce replies. At that she actually turns to glance at him - her eyes much fuller with... life, is it? Bruce almost jumps in glee at the realization that he seemingly finally managed to break through to her in some way, so he carries on quickly, "I get it that this must be damn tempting right now and that you would rather just throw it all away, but... but you say that you lost something, well, maybe you regain it if you give it a bit more time, or at least... find something else."
"I don't know," she exhales.
"You should have that much self-worth, Loki. You deserve to live and to die for something," Bruce tells her. She bites her lip, glancing to the side. Sadly, this is about the nicest thing she ever heard in her entire life. Still, pathetic, but at some point, Loki stops to care, for only just a touch of kindness caressing her pained soul.
"But for that you have to give life a try, even if it's shit now," Bruce argues.
"Right now I just feel shame," Loki bites her lower lip. To let a mortal comfort her like that. Actually consider... maybe Laufey was right with leaving Loki in that temple after all. Loki is just such a weak creature...
"No shame in any of this, Loki. Trust me," Bruce assures her quickly. "I know how that is like, but really... there is no shame in this. You just have to stop. You can stop. You can just come back down and this is over. You can, you just have to... want to."
Loki smirks whilst she wipes a tear from her cheek, "I'm really good at giving bad impressions."
"No one will learn about this, trust me. This is just between you and me," Bruce reassures her. "Just come off that edge – and not the other way around. C'mon. You are the only one I consider quite sane in the brain. Tony will make me lose my head if I don't have you to keep him grounded."
"You should perhaps start to hit him," Loki suggests, managing the faintest of smiles.
"We could try that," Bruce smirks at her. Loki turns on the heel painfully slow, visibly considering to pull back over and just fall, but then she finally makes a step towards Bruce and off the edge. Bruce sends silent prayers to all scientists (after all, he remains a scientist himself).
"Thank you," Bruce lets a sigh of relief.
"You thank me? That is an odd thing to do, don't you think?" Loki knits her eyebrows at the man.
"I'm just glad you didn't make me choose a new lab partner. Those are so hard to find," Bruce smiles at her encouragingly.
"Aha," Loki tilts her head.
"So... what would you like to do now?" Bruce asks her.
"I suppose I would do good at distracting myself," Loki grimaces.
"Chess?" Bruce offers, to which she replies politely, "That would be wonderful."
"Then how about we go inside?" Bruce smiles at her, holding out his hand to Loki. She takes it with the slightest of smiles on her lips. Together they make their way inside.
Natasha stays hidden behind one of the pillars, still staring at what just happened. She didn't think that Loki was really that... broken. It's true what they say, sometimes it's really hard shell, soft core.
And it doesn't take much to break that shell and throw it into the abyss.