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It's growing. The drowning sensation is growing worse and bigger then ever and I'm terrified. The waves are the size of mountains and the push and pull is equivalent to that of a tornado storm. I'm powerless to it all I don't fight back. I don't try and kick to the surface.

I'm slipping through the waves and fading in the pushes and pulls.

I don't tell anyone I can't, sometimes I don't realize that people are around me half the time anymore. I'm alone, always alone and cold. It scares me half the time I fear I'll be like this forever. Till the end of time. That no one can ever pull me out of this and the sun was something I'd never see again. I'd be trapped in the dark clouds of Ana's pond.

I was dissolving.

My brothers are worried they look at me with eyes of fear. Maybe it's the nightmares. They have taken their toll dark circles line my eyes. The pale skin could be something to cause a worried glance here and there. Bones and tight stretched skin could be something. I'm not sure because I don't see it in the mirror, I wonder how bad I really look sometime.

It's worse when Soda ask, "Are you ok Pony? You look sick."

It's like being on the edge off a cliff. That's 5,000 feet high, one more step that's all I need and I'm gone, I'm leaving this horrible thing. No more worries. I can't explain the number of times I lift my foot ready to fall. Trip off the tight rope I've been walking for a year. Then it's like I'm actually there and I turn my head back and I see them. Both my brothers and the gang. Soda smiles and waves, and I put my foot back. Feeling tear build up because I know I can't leave this cliff and go over there with them and be happy like I should.

I'm trapped on the edge.

I can't tell him even though it kills me to not tell anyone this. Oh how I wish to tell him anyone to get this off my chest. It doesn't have to Soda anyone. I just can't go on with this weighing down on my shoulders. It's killing me inside and out but I'm scared to tell and them think I'm being silly. I'm being ridiculous and this isn't a real thing.

That's the biggest fear I have right now. I finally ask for help and I'm rejected.

I look at Soda who looks back waiting for something anything. I know Soda would never turn his back on me but, what if he tries and can't? What if nothing ever can? I wish I could die when I start thinking like this. Die rather than be stuck in a world where I can never leave the edge.

"Yeah, my head hurts that's all."

He nods still looking at me worriedly but then goes back to his card game with Two-bit.

I can't tell if I really am sick or it's nerves. But my palms feel sweaty and my head is all over the place. I can't focus. It's like I have too much room in my mind. That the walls that helped keep everything in order and strait are gone and everything is all over. My head aches because of all the space. My hand writing is shake on the paper and my chest has this throb to it.

"Pony focus," It's Darry. I can't think and for a second I blank out I can't remember why Darry is here. I get my answer soon, "What happened after you turn 3/4 into a decimal? Come on kid you have a test over this soon." Right math homework over fractions. I couldn't focus in class and asked Darry for help.

Cause you're heads in the clouds and you never use your head to take notes off the bored do ya?

Ana makes me cringes I wish she would shut up for a day. just one day where she didn't invade my thought and I could focus on something that wasn't Eating or not eating. One last normal day.

"Ponyboy," Darry says agitated.

No stop thinking of Ana and try and figures out what I do next. I stare at the paper and the numbers don't make sense I look at the other problems and wonder how on earth I got the answers. I look at Darry and bit my lip. What is it, I think now I add this to the final product, no I subtract?

Darry sighs "Let's have a look at your notes." He reaches for my bag which is on the floor by my feet. I use my leg to slide it from his reach. He looks at me with a frustrated look, "Pony," he says warningly.

"I don't have any."

"Why not?"

"I didn't take any."

His face fills with anger and I feel anxiety start to build up. I should have taken notes why wasn't I thinking and took some notes? Because math is what's after lunch and I was distracted how this is going to be the third day of fasting.

"How come," his had gone up in volume? Out of the corner of my eye I see the boys in the living room look over. Everyone was here watching mickey playing poker. I wish I could be so relaxed and care free like them. "Pony!"

I turn my attention back to Darry, "I wasn't thinking about it."

He narrows his eyes and clenches his jaw. "Of course not. You never seem to be doing any of that lately."

I swallow thickly. As Ana says something similar. Please, please Ana, shut up.

My chest burn a little more when Darry starts ranting. "What's with you? Lately you seem to always have your head up in the clouds. Not paying attention in class isn't going to get you into college like that."

Like you had a chance in the first place.

Stop. Just stop I don't feel good.

Quite being a baby. No wonder you stopped losing weight you're weak and, you need to work harder.

"You need to start growing up. You're not a baby anymore. You need to have some responsibilities now. You see me and Soda we got jobs and take care of you. You can't act like this Pony, Mom and Dad are gone and I need you to help out with what you can."

I swallow thickly when he talk about our parents. In other word could you not be such a screw up Pony my dear? You're brothers work too hard taking care of your fat ass.

Standing up I need water. Water will help clear my head.

"Hey! I'm not done with you!"

"Well I'm done with you!" I have no idea where it came from if it's from Ana nagging me, Darry's yelling, or the sparks of fire in my chest but I snap. "Stop Darry just stop! I know already! I know I'm a screw up and I'm trying to not but it's hard! All of it is so hard and I- I "

The fire is too much and everything is too bright and the space in my head is carrying me off. It's a nice though for a second to just float off and not come back. Suddenly everything is filled with darkness.

After that everything is one big blur. I have glimpses of my life and what happened.

I vaguely remember being in someone's arms. There's shouting a lot of shouting it makes my head hurt and I groan. Then a voice I can't place. "It's ok Pony. Oh my god, you're going to be ok stay with me." I want to remember laughing at the voice because I'm not ok and I haven't been for a long time.

Then I'm shaking like in a car. The lights are bright. "Hey this kid is coming around."

"Alan give him something his heart is still all over the place. We need his as relaxed as possible"

My heart? What's wrong with my heart? And the loud shill sound in the air put an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I try to sit up and look around. I'm too weak everything keeps coming in and out of darkness like a flickering light switch. I try and form words on my lips but they don't want to work and I end up back in the darkness.

Then the last time is when I'm laying down in a quiet room. I feel something in the palm of my hand I wrap my fingers around it. Its warm and I'm cold always so cold. Someone calls my name and I briefly recall yelling at Darry. I don't know why that suddenly it's just the first thing that popped up. I feel bad I shouldn't have yelled it's my fault anyway. I was the one who stressed him out.

"Darry," I say weakly trying to sit up again, this time my shoulders are pushed down.

"No lay down," I can't tell who's telling me that but I can't lay down. I have to find Darry he's mad and I just know it. I didn't mean it

I never mean it so why do it do it?

"No," I squirm underneath the firm hold pinning me down, "I gotta…gotta find my brother."

"It's ok it's going to be ok; you have to relax Ponyboy."

"I gotta tell him I'm sorry," I mumble trying to get this person to understand.

I don't know what they say or if they say anything because it's back to darkness again. Darkness, darknes, darkness that's all it ever is, isn't it?

The first thing I realize when I finally wake or a good amount of time is that the lights are way too bright. Next is the annoying beeping coming from my right. Then the room that I'm in is a hospital room then the weight settled on my legs and the warmth once again in my palm.

I shift slightly trying to get the weight off it's starting to hurt and I know the weight alone will give me a bruise or something on my thighs. I look to see Soda laying his head on my legs and I stop going still as I watch him sleep. It's too late because he's blinking slowly.

And to my left fingers curl tighter around mine and I know its Darry. I try and piece together what happened last but all I have are the pieces and none of them are enough to fill in the puzzle spaces. I blink trying to make sense of it all but it's not working.

"Pony! Oh thank god your finally awake!" then Sodapop pulls me into a tight hug I try to bight back the gasp because it's too tight and I fele myself being squished like a bug.

"Easy little buddy he's fragile remember."

Hearing Darry say it like splash of cold water and I know they know something. He look they both have tells me they don't exactly know what it is. Soda let's go and nods at Darry "Yeah I remember."

I look between both of them. "What-"I swallow because my throat is so dry "What's happened?" I gratefully take the water from Darry. Then I remember wanting water before I snapped at Darry.

"You're heart gave out or, is giving out"

I cough on some water, "What? How- I mean what happened that night I only remember only parts."

Soda then tells me everything from his point of view. How I was telling Darry all this stuff about being messed up and it being hard then just collapsing to the floor. He and Darry darted to my side trying to wake me up or get some response. Then Darry took a check at my pulse and noticed how slow it was. That's when they told someone to call an ambulance.

Darry had thought it was taking too long so he lifted me up ready to take me himself and Soda argued what if something happened on the way. That's when I woke up for a few seconds and by that time the ambulance showed. Soda rode with me to the hospital and I woke up again but my heart was to unstable so they put me back to sleep.

The doctors said because I was so underweight that my heart is losing its power. "Like an old car engine sputtering out." Then the next three days I was practically dead to the world except for when I woke up saying nonsense. "You scared us all something awful."

"Sorry."

Darry shook his head, "Stop that. This isn't you're fault. Not like you chose to get sick."

I pause I did. Not like anyone made me stop eating other than myself and Ana. Then again once I got it started there was no way to stop it. Then I blink remembering that one think they didn't know. The look in their eyes from earlier. "What do you mean sick?"

"The reason you lost so much weight. Doctors are trying to figure it out still. They took some blood and ran test and everything came out negative. They don't know what it is but they're going to figure it out and you're going to get better no sweat."

I swallow thickly because I get it now. They don't know. They know I'm not a healthy weight but they don't know why. I shiver because I know it's no more hiding and lying I have to tell them what's wrong now.

"You cold Pony?" Soda tugs the blanket up more and I don't move.

I look down at my lap then glance up at both of them. I feel my chest ache not the one I got because my heart is giving out. The one you get when you're soaked in guilt. "I'm so sorry," I start by saying. "I didn't mean it."

I hate that, I swear to god I hate saying that!

"Pony you don't-"

"Yes I do Soda." I feel my hands shake. "I really do."

I don't know what it was for the pieces to click for Darry maybe it's the look of fear I have in my eyes or the tone of my voice but, suddenly he's figuring out the puzzle. He drops my hand like it burns. "No," he say sharply, "You're a boy! Things like this don't happen to boys!"

I feel a wave of discomfort and uneasiness because doesn't that mean something is wrong with me? It's true this is a girl thing but here I am a boy with one. I continuously stare back at Darry trying to will it into him that this is real. It's really happening to me, I've been denying it long for Darry to deny it too.

Soda is still completely lost to both of us and the silent war we have on going. "What? You mean you know, what's wrong Darry?"

I don't answer him I just watch Darry, "Please," I plead, "Please believe me."

"What's going on Darry?"

Darry jerks his head away from me to look at Soda, "He's doing it to himself," he says harshly, "He's losing weight because he's not eating."

Soda's eyes go wide and I fear the worse that this is it and their going to walk out on. That their disappointed in me and I failed all over again. My attempts to 'just try' are wrong. And everything I've done to make our world better is a waste. The days of hunger and starvation we're for nothing.

Soda being Sodapop knows exactly how to handle it by pulling my into a hug, "it's Ok Pony, you're going to get better and everything is going to be fine. We'll get you help."

Darry on the other hand can't handle it and walks out of the room claiming need of air.

I've managed to disappoint Darry; superman.

God don't even start me on how hard all of this was! Literally I've written this whole chapter three times!

I know I made Darry seem like a jerk but, you have to remember in the book Pony has strong belief till the very end that Darry has a hate for him and he doesn't understand anything that isn't cold hard fact. So because this is all told from Pony's point of view it will carry on to this.

Ok guys I really need help because after this I want a chapter with Pony and Johnny talking and another with Pony, Dallas and Two-bit then after that I have nothing so unless you don't want a long wait because of writers block I need ideas!

Ok that's all for now send love in reviews!