So it's been a while? I'm so sorry on top or writers block and school starting I haven't had time. But I got 22 reviews so I love you!
Guest: on no not the sanity, you might need that!
Siriusly Black: Hmm interesting.
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Phoenixx Rising: thanks!
Pop punk: thank you so much!
puppylover27: I'm glad you like it!
Guest: yeah they know
Z: B
Jayla728: thanks hun
SkyGiantz: I can see something like that maybe them not getting taken away but something.
Xx-Beautiful-Chaos-xX: hmm I like it! Thanks.
Lol: ok thank you!
Arlena. Ferrell::yeah that's kinda where I was going
Kylelover101: thanks!
DaughterOfMinerva-Athena: no thank you for the review
Jessieklove: Yup hopefully he will get better
It wasn't like a movie where Darry left and never came back. Of course he did I am his brother after all but, when he came back there was an air of stiffness that spread around the room. I didn't know if it was coming from me or him. Soda tried his best to ease it by joking around. Neither one of us could really laugh, Darry because he's still upset and me because I haven't had a real good laugh in months.
I can tell though that he looks for any reason to leave. That he can't stand being here in this room for me and I get it and I get him. I wouldn't want to be here in the room with a screwed up brother who can't get his act together even when he's in the hospital.
I thank god they don't know the extent of it yet, in visuals that is. They're never in the room when it's meal time. They aren't here because they're at work or visiting hours are over. Just because they haven't seen doesn't mean they know, I'm pretty sure that doctor tell them because every time Soda walks in he look at me like he's pleading me to 'just try' and eat.
I'm sick of it so much to the point where I almost want to tell everyone to get out of the room. That no one can come in till they stop judging and tell me that I need to try because I already do. I try but every time food's in front of me despite the constant telling of myself that I'm going to get better that the last meal was the last time it's like suddenly I have arthritis.
I can't force my hands to move, I'm frozen in time. I can't eat and I can see it in Soda's eyes every time he silently begs for an explanation. I don't get mad at him for that because I wonder about it too. Everyone else can eat normally but, for some reason I can't. It's some abnormal fact about me that I may be stuck with the rest of my life that eating is forever going to be a now impossible task. I do my best to explain it but in the end all that comes out was a small "I really wasn't hungry."
For some reason in some way Soda gets it because he nods and reply's "we all get like that time to time."
Darry on the other hand get frustrated and say that I need to cut it out or I'm going to get myself killed. Then I learn that my brother can't understand anything that can't be explained. Which is why he has such a hard time with this cause you can't explain ones desire to not eat. My desperation for some sort of sick twisted perfection.
I doubt anymore then two people will ever understand.
One being Soda who gets everyone and everything without much need for explanation. Which is why it has always irked me when he claims he's dumb. He may not have the talent for number and facts but he has a knack for getting people. So academically he may not rank high but that doesn't mean he isn't one of the smartest people I know.
The second being Johnny cade. Who despite not being told anything already know everything.
My brothers hadn't told the boys because something should remain just between brothers. It's inevitable I know because eventually we will have to tell them because how close we are and when the time come for my treatment plan to be officially decided upon. For now I consume the bliss that they don't know anything because when they visit it's like everything is ok that all I have is a real bad cold.
Until it's just me and Johnny.
Because Johnny may not get things fast but if you give him sometimes and he's really interested he's go at it like a dog with a bone and fiddle and toy with the idea and everything makes sense. I guess when his best friend collapsed with a failing heart that spiked some kind of interest because it isn't a shock when he says, "I've know from the beginning."
Johnny being Johnny is where I don't have to keep a close eye on my emotions like I do with my brothers. I don't have to worry about scaring him or upsetting him so I say with bluntness, "Did you? Why didn't you tell me? That way we wouldn't have to share the same secret alone." I grin at him and he rolls his eyes.
"I wasn't sure," he said "I kept thinking maybe if I didn't say anything it would go away. That maybe you needed time and at the same time if saying it would, "he trails off trying to figure out the right worlds.
"Make it real?" He nods and I join him, "Yeah I can see that getting to a guy."
"That maybe if I didn't say anything this would be something I made up in my head and you would be ok. It wasn't I saw you getting sick but I didn't tell you anything still, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry Ponyboy. I should hav-"
"Cut it out Johnny," I say angrily, "Like you said you weren't sure and that all that matters. You weren't going to say anything because you thought I was going to get mad at you. I would have because I spent so long denying it myself that I couldn't have another person to try and convince that it was nothing too. So you see Johnny? Say anything or not I would still be here."
He rubs his hands together and licks his lips, "So how much longer are you going to be in here?"
I blow out a sigh and shrug, "till they figure out how to help me or, I die because my heart gave out."
"That isn't something to joke about," he says sharply. This is the first time I think I've ever heard Johnny use that tone. I can't figure out why, it's the truth I'm not joking. Either they find help or I die. It plain fact which is the only thing Darry understands about the whole thing.
I've already accepted the fact that I can never eat and as depressing as it is I've accepted my death sentence along with it.
"I'm not, it's true."
"Well don't take it so lightly! Jesus you're in here literally on a death bed and you're ok with it! It's like you don't care that your leaving behind your brother after you just lost your parents, or the boys or me!"
I take a deep breath and try to explain it because no matter what I say Johnny will understand. He has to. "Look Johnny I don't want to die. I won't every want to die but, I can't eat. It's not a mental thing but a physical thing. If I even try I start to feel nauseous and sick. It's just as bad because when I don't eat I get so hungry it hurts. It hurts so bad that I would rather be dead then having to deal with either one of them."
He leans back in the chair, "I know, no I don't know but I imagine. I'm sorry Pone but I just hate seeing you like this this isn't you."
And I just like everyone in the gang hates to see Johnny so distraught. So I do what I've been doing for months and throw on the fakest smile ever and try and swallow down the real tears that I can feel building up inside, "Don't worry Johnnycakes, I'm not dead yet and I'm going to try," how funny that try rhymes with lie. I sometimes wish lie was like orange and it rhymes so no one could ever bounce and roll around my words back to that one.
He shakes his head because he knows that I'm lying, "Save that for your brothers. I don't care if you die in this moment just don't lie to me. Not anymore."
I swallow wanting Johnny to leave just so I can cry because, right now all I need right now I one real good cry. Because Johnny knows that this past year has been nothing but one big lie and what's worse is that I realize how much I miss my best friend more than anything in the world.
"I'm tired Johnny."
He nods I know he gets what I'm trying to say even when he says," Then go to sleep because you need your rest if you want to get better."
Johnny and I just dig each other on levels the gang can't reach.
Blaaaaah I don't know you guys how did Johnny come out? Was he too out of character? I tried to show some of that Johnny strength that Pony was talking about in the book along with the strength in their relationship if it makes sense.
I'm sorry it's short, that's why I need your ideas cause I need to know what to do I'm stuck. It doesn't even have to be brilliant just something anything please. *sobs*
Review lovelies!