Chapter 17: Gone Forever
"I have no words, no words to describe what has happened. Which is just bullshit really, there's so many fucking words in the English language but I can't describe my feelings? No, well I'm going to try.
Logan was my best friend, my band mate, I loved him, as a friend, I don't want any of you getting the wrong idea. I miss him. I miss him so much, I have no one to help me with homework anymore, I have no one to call me stupid but then not mean it. I have no one to take my helmet. -I don't need it anymore, have it. I won't be doing anymore stupid stunts in an attempt to make my best friend laugh, because he's not here no more.
He's dead. And about to be cremated, which is making my head hurt because it just seems so unreal. I hate how he picked that, how he didn't want a gravestone because he didn't want to be remembered. Well I'll never forget him, I won't, I don't care that he wrote it in his will. I don't care that you should respect the dead. I won't forget him, I refuse to. I just won't.
He's gone. He's gone forever, he won't ever come back and I hate that. I hate that he left me behind. I hate him, I hate my dead best friend. I hate that I hate him, I can't help it. What really pisses me off is that he left no note, no explanation, nothing to help us get through, like he thought we didn't care. Well we did, we really fucking cared, more than you could ever know.
I'm sorry we couldn't save you, Logan. I'm really sorry."
I wipe the the tears from my face, and step down, leaving behind my helmet which I threw down in disgust earlier in the speech. I wait for the next one, James. I wonder what he will say or do, he was so close to Logan, we all were. Of course we all fucking were, we were his best friends. His freaking best friends. I don't know what's more stupid, the fact that we still care or the fact that he killed himself. Then the next eulogy starts.
"I miss Logan.
He was one of my best friends, because of him I'm getting help. Most of you already know that I'm on day release from a mental hospital to be here, to burn my best friend. But if he didn't kill himself, I wouldn't be there, I would have continued to starve myself but now I'm getting help. You could say that he saved my life. I would probably be dead if he hadn't but now he's dead. I don't like that.
So I've decided that I'm going to live for him. Maybe not his dreams and stuff, I mean, I could never be a doctor. But I will never forget him. Even if he wants me to. I owe him, and I will never stop owing him because I can never pay him back because he's not here. It's stupid but I feel so guilty. What's worse is that there's so few of us here. I mean think how many people knew and loved Logan, but who's here, his parents, me, Carlos, Kendall, Katie, Mama Knight, Gustavo and Kelly. That's it.
That's the sum total of people who really cared about our Logan. Which is bullshit really, total and utter bullshit, and you all know that. Nine fucking people and that's it. It's not right. Okay, it's nine people who care- cared about Logan, nine people who could have stopped this, it should be more. It just should be. I cannot stress that enough.
I kind of hate everyone at the minute, no offence, I just do, I can't help it, I'm messed up in the mind, as you all already know. I'm sure there's a lot we didn't know about Logan, such as music taste, or maybe his favourite colour-"
"Red." I interrupt, not meaning to. I get stares from everyone else, as though they're asking 'how on earth do you know.' So I answer the silent question. "He told me, when we were in hospital, I was talking about how I loved all colours and he just said he only really likes red. I asked him why, and he looked at me with innocent eyes and said 'it's the colour of blood.' Then I understood. Because he cut himself. Blood. Red was his favourite colour because of blood." I ramble but I come to my senses and apologise. "Sorry James, you can carry on."
"Umm, okay. I don't really know what to say now. I lost my train of thought." He breathes in. "But Logan should be remembered, and I guess that's all I can really say." He concludes, despite my interruption. "I love you Logan."
Kendall then gets up, challenged with the final remembrance speech, but he was always good at speeches, without him we wouldn't have been a band, or even friends. He clears his throat, and pulls out a stack of cards. He smiles, and throws them to the ground, landing on the floor beside my helmet, in a pretty scatter. A perfect mess.
"I've spent hours preparing for this, the worst speech of my life, but Logan would want it to be spontaneous. Spontaneous and straight from the heart. He always thought they were better like that, better than actually thinking about it.
But right now my mind is drawing a blank. I could go about Logan forever but what can I say when nothing will bring him back. Logan was the smartest guy I knew, although under pressure he didn't do so well. His backflips were amazing, such strength and grace. He had his perfect career picked for him, I suppose we all messed that up a little with this whole band thing, but he still enjoyed it. I thought he was happy. I think he was happy for a while. But then he wasn't.
He was sick. His brain was sick, which sound ludicrous because his brain was amazing, he was so intelligent but isn't there that quote which is something along the lines of "happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know". Which seems so relevant. I wish he never got depression which led to him killing himself. He thought he was a problem so he took himself out of the equation. He doesn't know how empty our lives are now, how lost we feel without him. How all we can do now is live on without him, whilst never forgetting. Never forget the impact he made on your lives, never forget how he was always there for you no matter what, how he was always willing to help anyone with anything. How he made this world a better place, it sounds such a cliche but it's true, this world seems so drab and empty without him. I miss you. I love you. I'm going to get better for you."